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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 28/10/2021 20:34

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
I don’t understand how your parents can still have so much control over you, as an adult but well done for telling them . Good luck on your new home. Sounds like you do need the escape
Mydogmylife · 28/10/2021 20:34

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
Proof positive you've done the right thing moving away. Enjoy your new home and try not to let her spoil anything else for you
feelingfree17 · 28/10/2021 20:35

This is your life, your little family unit. How dare they dictate to you.
My DM always said you hold on by letting go. Certainly true.
I think you need to move further than 45 mins away, as I think them being in your child’s life will him up.

Partyowl · 28/10/2021 20:37

I second what a previous poster said - don't give her details of your new address or when you are moving.
Your step dad sounds like a real piece of work.
Look forward to next summer and your little boy playing in that garden x

LittleDandelionClock · 28/10/2021 20:38

@HesterShaw1

Get it sorted then tell her.

Honestly 45 minutes is nothing

Not really is it?

I could understand the OP's mum's her rage and ire, if the OP said she was moving 10,000 to 12,000 miles away, like to Australia. (Assuming the OP lives in the UK!)

That would upset most people I think, if their adult child (or parent) moved multiple 1000s miles/several continents away! But 45 minutes (20 to 40 miles.) Nope, I couldn't be too bothered about that.

Middersweekly · 28/10/2021 20:39

Your DM and Step Father sound unhinged! What the hell is wrong with moving 45 mins away? Do they rely heavily on you OP or do they seem to think your DC is there’s? Any normal parent would be happy you are moving somewhere that you’ll be happier in. Hold your nerve OP. They are nasty and tbh I would be quite glad to be moving away from them!

museumum · 28/10/2021 20:39

Unless there’s a massive drip feed that you expect them to do childcare 45 minutes is nothing at all!
But actually it sounds like the further you are from these two the better!

LittleDandelionClock · 28/10/2021 20:40

@HesterShaw1

Get it sorted then tell her.

Honestly 45 minutes is nothing

Not really is it?

I could understand the OP's mum's rage and ire, if the OP said she was moving 10,000 to 12,000 miles away, like to Australia. (Assuming the OP lives in the UK!)

That would upset most people I think, if their adult child (or parent) moved multiple 1000s miles/several continents away! But 45 minutes (20 to 40 miles.) Nope, I couldn't be too bothered about that.

sjxoxo · 28/10/2021 20:41

45 mins is really really not far!! That’s very close by our families standards. Just tell her, I’m sure she’ll get used to it xxx

HouseOfFire · 28/10/2021 20:42

she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me

I wouldnt bother to tell her or speak to her again to be honest - life is too short for that kind of drama and shit

Merryhobnobs · 28/10/2021 20:42

We live 3 and 7 hours from our respective families. Our kids are happy and thriving and fine. We both live 30 min from work... 45 min is perfectly commutable and they are being irrational.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 28/10/2021 20:43

As someone who has had to cut their mum off recently I feel for you OP.

In your situation I think I’d text her and tell her you can’t believe she’d stoop so low as to make you feel bad about moving to a bigger house in a better area. But that’s just me and probably not sound advice.

I think you should consider going NC with her though

Star81 · 28/10/2021 20:43

I’m sorry they took the news so badly.

Why do they feel they can come tell where you live ? Do they do this in all areas of your life ?

ManifestingWisdom · 28/10/2021 20:43

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
they're ''only'' awful when you don't do what they want you to do.

They sound so immature. xx

kweeble · 28/10/2021 20:45

Please don't let them steal your joy in the new house; they don't deserve a relationship with you. Ignore them and don't let them bully you.
I would move without telling them my address; you could well be much happier having very low contact.

MareofBeasttown · 28/10/2021 20:45

I moved 5000 miles away and still would not put up with this drama. This is such odd behaviour.

HouseOfFire · 28/10/2021 20:45

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
seriously - this is not the behaviour of normal decent people - you should move further, as far as you can, I hear Australia is nice
minimecantrollerskate · 28/10/2021 20:47

OP do what is right for your family and ignore the craziness.

I grew up with both sets of grandparents around 30-40 minutes away.

A lot of my friends that moved here have family a good 2 hours away.

Enjoy your new home

Thadhiya · 28/10/2021 20:50

She's a batty old screecher and it doesn't matter what you do, she'll screech at you. Mine still screeches at me, enraged that I don't drive because "how are you going to care for me in my old age?" She says taking public transport is 'common', it's actually quite a lot of fun - I pretty much don't learn to drive nowadays just because it winds her up so much. If I ever do learn, I won't tell her. I like watching her spit blood over it.

Anyway, just tell her, put the phone down and hopefully start to move on.

longtompot · 28/10/2021 20:51

I'm glad you've told her. Sorry their reaction was as it was. Keep it in mind when you move at just how much happier your ds will be playing in his garden, and how much happier you will be not having to worry about speaking to them again.

My ds just moved out properly 2 months ago (he's been away at uni for 3 years, living with his gf) and they are now almost 2 hours away. We drove him there with his stuff, gave him some treats and wished them both well in their new home. That's what a parent does. I was sad he has moved out out, but so happy he is on his next stage in life.

Good luck in your new home. Please don't refuse it due to your parents reactions.

Jumpingintochristmas · 28/10/2021 20:52

Anyone who speaks to you like this should not remain a part of your life. Moving away is the best thing.

KitKat1985 · 28/10/2021 20:52

I'm sorry they were so horrible to you. Just remember that it validates your decision to move further away from them.

Immunetypegoblin · 28/10/2021 20:55

Jesus. I grew up at least a 5 hour flight away from any relative so this sounds proper bonkers to me!! I'm sorry she is so possessive of you OP Sad

Chloemol · 28/10/2021 20:58

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
Ignore, you will in fact do what he said if you stay

Just move, then ignore them

BasiliskStare · 28/10/2021 21:01

I live 350 miles from my parents . Have done for years. There are phones and trains . My sister lives 10 mins away from them - it can work out with some compromise from everyone. I would not have taken shouting etc though when I moved to where I live now. DCs speak to grandparents on the phone frequently and we go to see them so all ( I think ) is good )