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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:
Original poster
umwhyisthishappening · 30/10/2021 09:36

I so hope we get the house but won’t find out until Monday but I’ll keep you all updated! I have blocked her on everything and also all people who she will ask to keep an eye on me.

To answer some questions, I am the eldest child and my sister is second eldest out of four.

She has always been like this - even when I was 15, she kicked me out so I had to sofa surf at some friends. When she finally allowed me home, she’d given my room to my younger sister.

On nursery, he did take a while to adapt so we went to lots of sessions with him at first to help him which I’m planning to do with this one if we move. Hopefully that will help him to settle quicker!

OP posts:
yoyo1234 · 30/10/2021 09:55

Hope you get the houseSmile. It will be lovely having a garden and amazing schools and lots of nurseries do great settling in periods (I changed nurseries with my eldest and he settled really well into the new nursery).

fuckyourpronouns · 30/10/2021 11:05

I hope you get the house @umwhyisthishappening. I'll keep everything crossed for you. Your son will be absolutely fine changing nurseries. He'll have a week or so of getting used to it and then it'll be like he was never anywhere else.

My very nervous DD started school this year. She didn't know anyone and I was worried she would hate it. She went in and didn't even look back and was chattering all about her new friends when I picked her up. They're a lot more resilient than we give them credit for.

pollymere · 30/10/2021 11:37

Your parents don't dictate where you live. If it means that much to her I suspect she may move to be nearer you though... You just need to tell her that you're buying a lovely house and be really enthusiastic. Say where it is and treat her like you probably treated your little boy when he was tiny and didn't want something to happen...kind but firm.

Pipsquiggle · 30/10/2021 12:30

Fingers crossed for you OP. Sounds like a very good move for all of you.

In terms of the nursery, have a chat with them and see what they recommend. My DC went to 3 nurseries - due to moving houses. They all wanted me to drop off very quickly and leave. My older son cried for 5 mins and then was happy as Larry. My younger son was totally oblivious and just wanted to play with the new toys

ProfessionalWeirdo · 30/10/2021 12:38

even when I was 15, she kicked me out so I had to sofa surf at some friends

In which case, it seems even more strange that she doesn't want you to move away now.

Good luck, OP. Fingers crossed for you.

BiLuminous · 30/10/2021 12:38

Well done OP. Really hope that you get the house.

2bazookas · 30/10/2021 13:06

This reply has been deleted

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FlowerFlour · 30/10/2021 13:45

I hope you get the lovely new house and move away from their toxicity.

Why did you feel the need to involve your parents at all though? You didn't need to tell them face to face. They were obviously going to blow up and you put yourself right there in the firing line. If I thought someone was going to be a dick to me, I would text them then mute / block them for a few days so they couldn't bother me.

Do you feel a misplaced sense of duty to always be 'the bigger person' and do everything 'right' so you can't be criticised? Well, stop! Theyre going to criticise you anyway, no matter what you do. You don't owe them anything. You have your own life and your own family; you don't need their abusive bullshit anymore. Your new house will be a lovely new start in your life. Flowers

littlefireseverywhere · 30/10/2021 13:46

45 mins is a great distance, she’s just put out that she’s not number one in your eyes & sounds like hard work, you’ve got a family now and they come first. Hope it works out for you.

Ghoulette · 30/10/2021 13:55

Everyone is here telling you to manage this situation, but actually, do you REALLY want someone so fucking toxic in your childs life?

Why are you still in contact with this abusive woman?

VestaTilley · 30/10/2021 14:07

Just get the house signed for and get it all done so she can’t browbeat you.

She sounds abusive and controlling. It’s definitely a good idea to put space between you.

45 mins really isn’t that far away- she has nothing to complain about, if she does complain ignore her. You’re doing the right thing.

GeorgiaLove · 30/10/2021 14:36

Get her fucking told. Take no shit. Live your own life. Please. 🍀

purplehair1 · 30/10/2021 15:00

Blimey she sounds like a nightmare. 45 minutes is hardly any distance anyway. Do as one of the other comments suggested - arrange it and then send her a text with your new address. The wrong address!

happysouls · 30/10/2021 17:48

Email her a link to this thread so she can read how reasonable people deal with these things! Good luck with the house!

pointythings · 30/10/2021 18:20

I really hope you get the house. Your son will settle, the nursery will help you support him in that and he will make new friends.

I would suggest that you go very low contact with your mother and her OH - they sound utterly toxic.

Buggersticks · 31/10/2021 09:50

Wow, no wonder you want to move away. Good luck in your new place, I hope you are marvellously happy x

Chamomileteaplease · 31/10/2021 10:13

What was your reason for telling your mum this, when it wasn't even definite?

I hope this event and this thread has shown you that the best way ahead is to have as little to do with your mother and her husband as you can Sad. Protect your son from such toxic people.

Siriisatwat · 31/10/2021 10:20

I’ve got no advice i’m afraid, but please don’t end up like me.

My dad was the same. I turned down so many job opportunities, my ex husband left me as he was offered a job of a lifetime abroad and we didn’t go because my dad threw a fit and threatened suicide.

Twice, we just had to move. He followed me and then blamed me for the money it cost him to buy/sell.

I was priced out of the area we lived in last year, we just had to move two hours away to a place we could afford.

He’s driven himself mad. He’s here now, he drove himself to a breakdown. I’m still trying to figure it if he has dementia or if he’s putting it on to get his way to be here (dr, memory clinic insist he’s fine).

I’ve ended up hating him for it, I let him ruin my life.

Just leave and don’t look back.

Bringonthepjs · 31/10/2021 10:33

So many sad stories on here, OP hood luck xx

JustDanceAddict · 31/10/2021 10:43

45 mins is still near. We are about half hour drive from mil and it’s nothing. Can take a bit longer if bad traffic.
Sounds like it’s good you’ve got the distance

romany4 · 31/10/2021 11:24

I'd move and never contact her again.
She sounds batshit

MrsR2018 · 31/10/2021 13:49

Go for it, bite the bullet and just tell her quickly.

I moved 30 minutes away from my mum as we have quite a toxic relationship. She bloody followed me and is now 15-20 minutes away.

MrsR2018 · 31/10/2021 13:50

Also to add, when I told her you’d think I was moving to the other side of the planet judging by her reaction.

It’s hard but we have to do what’s best for us and our families

itsallgoingpearshaped · 31/10/2021 13:55

She kicked you out when you were 15 when you had no place to go?

She's vile.

I'd report her now if she's still looking after younger children and wouldn't let her near mine!

Go and have a nice life without her. She doesn't deserve to have you in it.

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