How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

[umwhyisthishappening]

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

Just wanted to say well done! I imagine that was very difficult for you and I know it must hurt but I hope you also feel a little empowered too that you did it. I think it’s wonderful that you’re doing this for your toddler but also for yourself.
Don’t pander to them now, they need you more than you need them, that’s what I used to always tell myself with my parents. Once you have realised that it will be so much easier going forward to assert yourself with them. Ignore them for awhile and sure enough they’ll be back after they’ve finished sulking. No one else will put up with their shit.

Blimey! I'll tell you what will 'fuck your son up'...

...& it's not moving further away from them!

She sounds horrible. What does it have to do with her? It’s your life!

You’re mum has lived her life and had her choices, she can’t expect you to live your life just to suit her. No one’s died and it’s 45 minutes, you’re not emigrating.
Just tell her, she might sulk or have a rant but she’ll get over it.

Your mum, bloody autocorrect.

@umwhyisthishappening

Thank you everyone for the support. The funniest thing is that my sister moved 35 minutes away a few weeks back... they were supportive and didn’t blink an eyelid.

You should have moved first

@umwhyisthishappening

Thank you everyone for the support. The funniest thing is that my sister moved 35 minutes away a few weeks back... they were supportive and didn’t blink an eyelid.

Probably a golden child / scapegoat dynamic. Read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. It's excellent. You might find the Stately Homes threads helpful too.

@Suzanne999

Your mum, bloody autocorrect.

@Suzanne999

phew. thank fuck for that. I was starting to judge you

🤣

Fucking hell OP
Move and don’t give them your new address until they apologise.
Just think how much more chill your life will be!!
I moved away from my “ dm” and now, if she starts her screaming shite:I just leave. Or tell her to leave. Cheerio.
You’re not on this Earth to be so afraid
start a good new life, block any nasty unhelpful messages

*now dm keeps herself in line ( mostly) because she knows she can’t bully me

Just don't tell her until you have moved .that would be fun.

@umwhyisthishappening You have an unhealthy codependent relationship. Have a read of this link below.

There is only you that can change to meet conditions. 45 minutes is nothing. You need to break the umbilical cord. Yup I've been through this too

codauk.org/

Just do it. Your Mum is overreacting and controlling but she will get used to your move. She is lucky it is still relatively close!

Oh my goodness, your mother sounds like she has narcissistic traits... it's your life and she will eventually be happy for you. Maybe. Do what's best for you and your family now not what's best for your mum. You're doing the right thing!

What the fuck is wrong with her? Is your sister the golden child, so she can do as she wants with zero recriminations? No way! Just ignore the nonsense and repeat ‘This is best for my family’ every time she whinges. I’m appalled at her. Surely parents should want what’s best for their (even grown up) kids? She sounds awful, sorry, OP.

Thank you for all the support - currently I’m just waiting on the landlord to make a decision as to whether we can have the house (I’m self employed so they’re being a bit funny). But it all currently looks good according to the estate agent.

One thing I am nervous about is my son changing nurseries. I know this happens to lots of children but will he be okay? This new nursery is wonderful and much bigger with more for him to do so I’m excited to register him as they have space - but I am concerned about his reaction after him loving his current nursery.

Thanks in advance for any advice on this!

Firstly, I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by moving away because your mother and step father sound awful!!!

With regards to your DS and nursery, did he settle ok when he started his current one? I imagine he'll be absolutely fine.

Good luck!

Wait until you are settled in, and then tell her. Let's face it, you'll get the same reaction whether it's before, or after, you have moved.

Good luck with it all. It is your life.

I wish you happiness in your lovely new home.

If she kicks off, feign surprise and ask why on earth a mother wouldn't be happy to see their child get on and improve their life.

Your parents sound so, so awful. I think it’s important that you go so I really hope you get the house.

Have they always controlled/attempted to control you? Are you the eldest? Are you a bit meeker than your sister as a result of it? Whatever has happened, run. And don’t look back.

Also your son will be absolutely fine. Kids are so resilient. And you will absolutely not be ‘fucking him up’. That was a ludicrous, nonsensical bit of panicked abuse on your stepdad’s part.

I can’t imagine any child being fucked up by moving further away from abusive grandparents to a bigger house with a garden.

"we've found the most amazing house, dgs will have a garden and the schools are great etc"

Mum "Where is it?"
You "x town"

You can't stop her having a tantrum, sounds like she will anyway, but you don't need to say ordo anything more, no justification, no pleasing or listening to her guilt trips, just walk away.

Gosh,what would she say if yo were moving abroad?anyway just do it and tell her straight away. I never understand mothers like this.you are a grown up now !

Wow. Sounds like the best thing for you to move further away!
Just focus on the positives and get excited about Christmas in your new home.
As to changing nurseries, young children are very adaptable, and I'm sure he'll take it in his stride. He'll have new friends before you know it!

Really hope you get the house op! 🤞 and don’t worry about your son. He is little and will adapt easily to a new nursery I am sure!

Is this your life? or hers, ? This is your life & no one elses,change has to happen otherwise we would never evolve, so move,if she doesn't for whatever reason accept the new situation,then she has to deal with it herself,she is an adult & so are you,45 mins,is not the other side of the world,GO & get on with your life,otherwise stagnate & be permanently tied by strings, she does not have carteblanch on anyone,although she likes to think she does