How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

[umwhyisthishappening]

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

As a parent of an adult DD I simply cannot get my head around your mother's reaction @umwhyisthishappening. DD is currently at university 2 hours away. If she chooses to stay in her university city I will be happy for her because I know that is where she feels happy and settled.

There isn't much to offer DD where we live - rurally and with fewer job opportunities. As long as DD is happy then so am I. Your mum is bonkers.

OP, the only people who would fuck your son up are the people you're moving 45 minutes away from.

Just go. If your mum is that bad, how much better life will be 45 minutes away.

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

Sounds like your son would be more fucked up by living near these horrible people and having any sort of relationship with them.

Run to your new house and enjoy it. Set new boundaries where your mother and stepfather are concerned - maybe NC would be a good place to be!

I voted yabu purely because you are a grown woman and don't need her permission. You don't have to live your life through anyone, much less your mum.

Well done and enjoy your new home.

Your mums not normal but you hopefully know that. Get some counselling if you can.

I wonder if your their future carer in their minds, so you moving would really fuck that little plan up.

Does she visit you. If so don't tell her for a while. See how it goes. If she does visit you, Sort out the best transport for her, train, bus etc. and arrange to pick her up at her arrival point. 45 minutes is not very far.

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

Holy shit, if that isn't proof that you're doing the right thing, I don't know what is.

Have a happy life away from them, OP.

Bloody hell id be off like a shot, they sound horrendous, they wouldn’t be having my address , good luck with your move, have a happy life op you certainly don’t need abuse like this,

45 mins is hardly any distance!

It sounds like you would fuck your son and yourself up by staying. I'd be very hesistant to give my new address to them if Im honest. Iv read some of your other posts and I know you're having a hard time mentally. For your own sake, I'd seriously consider NC.

Do you have some support outside of the family?

Just do it. When it’s 100% finalised tell your mum. She sounds like a nightmare. Do what you have to do. 45 mins is no time at all for what you would gain.

Tell her you're moving 45 minutes away..... And when she tries her usual tactic to control you, because let's face it, that's what it is. Tell her you won't be giving her the address until she stops being a dickhead.

Honestly stop rewarding this behaviour. Youre an adult now.

I don't think I've ever said this on MN before, but you need to cut these horrible people out of your life. They are toxic and I would not let them near my child.

Your mum and step dad sound very nasty, enjoy your life move to Australia if you want to! Never let anyone control you, and your son will probably do better without having them both treating you like something they can control and manipulate.

Hope you put that deposit done since your last comment ❤️

Oh and that house and area sound like a dream, you’re son will be happy and so will you.

I really do not understand the attitude of your mum. A girl we know in her 20s, had a long term boyfriend who got his lifetime ambition job of a firefighter in a city, 30 miles away, down a motorway. With good train and bus connections. Her mum went apeshit, and eventually the daughter stayed in the small town, boyfriend eventually left her. She didn't live with her mum. To me it us extremely selfish. You do not own your adult children and should do all you can to encourage them to spread their wings and experience all life can offer. Not stifle their life hopes and dreams.

It's your life, not your mother's chance for a second go. Don't get pulled into any discussion for tantrum. Just do it.

You do not own your adult children and should do all you can to encourage them to spread their wings and experience all life can offer.

Absolutely this ^^ which is what DH and I are doing.

Ahh this is such an exciting opportunity for you! I get the moving away from family thing because I would feel bad moving too far away but perhaps you could say to your mum that it's a nice big house so she would be able to come and stay every now and again and spend quality time with her grandchild x

Well done OP...
Honestly you've made the best decision.
I'm 138 miles from my Mum
My kids (one's at home forever but the other three) are
3 miles
300 miles
10000 miles away!

Yes I miss the further and farthest away ones, of COURSE I do (Covid meant I didn't see my doctor daughter 300 miles away for 9 months and it will be over 2 years before I see my son..and when he and his lovely partner have kids, it will be in Australia!)

We text, video call, FB... it was never my right to have my children stay nearby as adults, I'm very fortunate that one has and I won't deny I'd be sad if she moved far away as I adore my grandson, but if/when they do... I'll travel!

She'll either get over herself or you are better off LC anyway!

My daughters both live about 4 hours away. Sometimes that makes me a bit sad, but I tried to bring up the girls to go off out into the world and see all they could do. As a parent of grown up children, I would like to tell your mother to stop being so selfish, and she needs to grow up before she loses her considerate and caring daughter. Don’t tell her until you have signed everything, and do not, under any circumstances, give in. Its your life, now go and live it. Good luck!

Urgh these people are awful. Get rid.

Go for it and enjoy your new home. There's no need to make an announcement!
Personally I wouldn't even tell her!