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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 29/10/2021 09:18

Don't waste your tears on people who don't support you. Sod them, move and enjoy your new home with people you love.

starrynight87 · 29/10/2021 09:30

I would have it all confirmed and purchased before telling her.

Good Luck OP, go for what suits your family!

billy1966 · 29/10/2021 10:01

45 minutes is too close.

I would strongly recommend you do not give them your new address and I would be staying away from them.

I wouldn't want such rough people near my child.

Step away.Flowers

Asleanna · 29/10/2021 10:04

You've made the right decision. Even more do judging by their reaction!
45 mins is literally nothing. They could still see you regularly (or as regular as you would want!)

LookItsMeAgain · 29/10/2021 11:03

@BigYellowHat

‘Mum, I’m moving. Here’s my address’
I wouldn't even bother doing that.

"Mum, I'm moving. You have my mobile phone number. I'll be in touch once I've unpacked and have settled in. I hope you can be happy for me"

LookItsMeAgain · 29/10/2021 11:10

@umwhyisthishappening

Thank you everyone for the support. The funniest thing is that my sister moved 35 minutes away a few weeks back... they were supportive and didn’t blink an eyelid.
She must be the 'golden' child....is she? Does she seem to do any wrong according to your parents? They probably see you moving as the apron strings being well and truly severed and you're free of their control. This can only be a good thing.

Keep going @umwhyisthishappening - you're doing this for your family and your son. Don't give your parents conduct towards you a second thought at this stage.

bondgirl76 · 29/10/2021 17:22

I moved to Canada for 2 years....took her 3 grndchildren.When we got back...thought she would be estatic..she just moaned abput their accents

Jack80 · 29/10/2021 17:32

Ring or email her and tell her, she needs to know. If she will have a go at you let her and then she will get over it.

Angelil · 29/10/2021 17:34

Tell her some people’s children live abroad and she should be grateful it’s only 45 minutes’ journey and not a whole day.

bluebeck · 29/10/2021 17:37

So sorry OP - my mother would behave in a similar way. Being No Contact with her is the best decision I ever made.

I can't imagine why you would expose your own DC to these toxic awful people?

Stay away and start over without them fucking up your life. Flowers

jesst81 · 29/10/2021 17:41

I moved 12 hours flying time away, she will be fine , good luck !

Madamum18 · 29/10/2021 17:42

That is a seriously bad response OP. Well done for doing it!

You need to focus on your move. Do NOT get dragged in to "apologising" or back tracking. If they start working on you just walk away. Hard but necessary!

And a good repeated comment might be: "Look we are moving. We know you dont like it. But we are doing it so get used to it" And then walk out. Do NOT stay to be shouted at. And do that every time.

That is if you even bother to see them again at the moment!!

ManifestingWisdom · 29/10/2021 17:42

@umwhyisthishappening

Thank you everyone for the support. The funniest thing is that my sister moved 35 minutes away a few weeks back... they were supportive and didn’t blink an eyelid.
Very common for parents to treat their children differently but deny that even though its obvious!
EchosMum2007 · 29/10/2021 17:46

When I read the subject line I thought that 45 min away story was going to be about the "too close" scenario, not the other way around. Your mum is being VERY unreasonable and controlling by the sound of things, and you are being rather submissive and unreasonably terrified of her reaction. It's high time you've cut this Gordian knot.
You have to put your own family's interests first, not your mother's.

SpeakingFranglais · 29/10/2021 17:50

You know, I get on really well with my kids I’d love them to be on the doorstep by DD is 20 miles away, on a Sunday morning that’s only thirty minutes door to door on a Monday morning is 75.

But she’s happy, she loves in a great part of Leeds, all her fiends are close by and her work.

I’m grateful, she could be 200 or 20,000 miles away.

Go for it, she will get used to it.

LadyEloise1 · 29/10/2021 17:50

You @umwhyisthishappening, were advised by many not to tell her til after the deal was done and not to do it in person.
For your own peace of mind.

And you're now upset because you told her in person before you'd bought and you were then verbally abused by them.

Sometimes I wonder why people post on Mumsnet looking for assistance and then ignore invaluable advice. 🙄

Fleshmechanic · 29/10/2021 17:52

Why would you want to live near someone like that anyway. Do what's best for your own little family

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 29/10/2021 17:52

she screamed because of you moving 45mins away?

I suggest you move to a different continent - move first, inform her later

User112 · 29/10/2021 17:54

Your mum can either pay the difference for you to rent a similar property in her neighbourhood (if you are up for it) or just suck it up. She cant have it both ways. Also private school fees if local schools are not good enough.

Wait, why can’t she move?? Hmm

Maggiejardine · 29/10/2021 17:55

Do you know why your mum behaves in this way? Is she ill or lonely?
If it’s just selfishness or attention seeking I would be inclined to think moving away is in your best interest, and your family. But I agree with OPs, point out the positive aspects and that you hope she will visit you in your new home and see how her grandchild enjoys having a garden to play in. If she sulks, let her be for a while, she will probably come round given time. You cannot organise your life just to satisfy your mum’s wishes.

User112 · 29/10/2021 17:56

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
Why did they say that? Do you heavily depend on them for child care or any mental/emotional support to cope with parenting ?
ProfessionalWeirdo · 29/10/2021 18:00

@umwhyisthishappening

Thank you everyone for the support. The funniest thing is that my sister moved 35 minutes away a few weeks back... they were supportive and didn’t blink an eyelid.
I've only just seen this, OP, and I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been asked, but I can't help wondering if your mother wants you to be her carer in her old age. This might explain why she wants to keep you nearby. This same thing happened to a friend of mine (I'll call her Jane) some years ago. Jane's mother had had all the responsibility for caring for her own elderly relatives, and made it quite clear that in the fullness of time Jane would be expected to do the same for her.

Jane did manage to move to a different city. It took a lot of courage, but she never regretted it.

ManifestingWisdom · 29/10/2021 18:03

Dont communicate for a while op.

No oluve branches. No appeasing remarks to try and win back her approval.

She believes you need her permission to do things she doesnt want you to do so dont feed in to that by sending olive branches.

When thats how you'd usually react to to her "reverse victim offender" its important that you sit with the discomfort till it passes with just time. Do not try to alleviate the discomfort by attempting to reframe what just happened or by extending olive branches.

Its important to send the message that she has LOST CONTrol of you.

If you go back to her "look mum, i didntvwant to hurt you, i just wanted to live somewhere more affordable" then it plays in to the current narrative that you need to explain yrslf to her.

supperlover · 29/10/2021 18:03

I have three adult children and they all live in GB whilst we live in N.ireland. You're mother is being ridiculously selfish. 45 minutes is nothing. She should be pleased for you.

TheMamaYo · 29/10/2021 18:11

Good heavens! Cancel renting this house. Move to another country!

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