AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

[minervas1]

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

I think there are 2 separate issues. 1 - you need to learn to drive, particularly if you are thinking of having children. But beign reliant on someone else to visit friends and family is an issue.

2nd thing is that you both have different ideas of what you want from your Christmas break. You want to spend it visiting family. He wants to see no one, visit no one and have no one visiting. To me, that's not Christmas. Christmas is about spending time with family and friends. But regardless of the logistics , you have very different perspective about how you want to spend the holidays.

Also, for me driving 4 hours, spending 3 days and driving back 4 hours wouldn't be an issue - but I like to see people.

@InTheNightWeWillWish why would a 4 hour drive take 6 hours? Or do you just mean because of traffic? I assume OP has taken that into account.

Learn how to drive. You'll then realise how tiring driving for 4 hours is.

It's not him being the lazy dick OP.....

He’s a lazy dick ???????
Yet you won’t learn to drive ,that’s hilarious

So 8 hours drive before Christmas, then 8 hours drive after Christmas?

Fuck that. Driving is exhausting, especially long distances on motorways over the Christmas period and often in the dark or bad weather.

You can't force him to see his family if he's not bothered.

Learn to drive. You owe him several years of doing all of the Christmas driving by the sound of it.

@freedomfaith Yes what my ex used to say. Then I learned to drive and found that was a load of bollocks.

I don’t think this is about Christmas, this is just a time when ‘never had to drive’ is shown to be a bit of a nonsense? Seriously, what would happen if something happened to your DH, or you separated, but were still hours away from family? What if you needed to get to a hospital or visit a family member in an emergency and DH wasn’t there? No, driving isn’t a necessity - of course it’s not - but it makes a bloody massive difference to being able to live life on your own terms.

Work something out for this year, but maybe make it your NY resolution for 2022 to pass your test, and to be the one doing the driving etc next year. You will be amazed at the difference being able to drive will make to your everyday life.

Good luck xx

[quote julieca]@InTheNightWeWillWish why would a 4 hour drive take 6 hours? Or do you just mean because of traffic? I assume OP has taken that into account.[/quote]
Seeing as @julieca thinks driving 4 hours on the motorway to somewhere, is a piece of piss, (despite 99% of posters saying it's exhausting,) maybe @minervas1 you should exchange details via private message, and get julieca to take you. 4 hours driving is a breeze to her, you need a lift. Result. Julieca will take you where you want to go!

visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway

Spoken by a true non-driver 😩😩

Your husband is not the lazy dick here.

The irony of you calling him a lazy dick for not wanting to do a massive load of driving on his days off but then you being too lazy to learn to drive because you 'have no interest' and 'never had to' because someone else does it for you is not lost on me. YABU. Honestly feel bad for your DH you sound so nasty.

@Summersnake

He’s a lazy dick ??????? Yet you won’t learn to drive ,that’s hilarious

The irony is strong on this one, as well as the sense of entitlement.

Fly?

See his family earlier and avoid the Christmas roads?

Visit your family alone by train and use the family visit he's up for to visit his?

Have another Christmas without the visits because of covid, and because you enjoyed it?

We will no longer do the driving from pillar to post we used to do every Christmas when the kids were young.

Once you have children you'll probably come under more pressure to do these visits so maybe enjoy the freedom not to while you can?

Driving is on its way to being a dead skill these days, and historically women are much less likely to learn than men.

I wouldn't beat yourself up that it's not in your skill set, and I probably wouldn't invest time and money into learning nowadays.

@julieca You've made your point really clearly that you don't find driving difficult or tiring, but I think you're failing to open your mind to the fact that some people do.

I don't do the 9 hours you mentioned but I do drive 3+ hours a day for work, and probably a bit more than half of that is on motorways. I'm not an anxious driver in the slightest and I find motorways easier than some A roads... but I still have days when I would rather not do it, especially in precious holiday time!

I don't think you're obligated to learn to drive OP but if you choose not to you can't assume that others will drive you around. You need to get public transport or not go instead.

OP - things you need to do. A) learn to drive. B) arrange to go to your parents over Christmas by public transport, leave him at home to have his quiet Christmas alone. C) break up and find a man you are more suited to be with. He wants to live hours away from family but never have them visit, I couldn't live like that, so I wouldn't consider building a future with a man like that. You have no DCs, so this is the perfect time to think about what sort of lifestyle you want. What he's offering isn't it.

@SpacePotato

He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself

Sounds like a great plan to me.

Also agree with this - sounds like a great plan

Sorry - he won't have families visit us during those two weeks either as he wants home to be his sanctuary. This is why I'm particularly annoyed with him as he wants everything his way.
Everything his way?? You don’t drive so your whole plan is him doing 4 hours each way which when you’re worn out is exhausting. I’d need multiple rest stops. And then when he’s agreed to do one visit it’s to your family and instead of being super appreciative you’re mad his neglecting his family!! Give the man a break, and get your driving license while you’re at it. This is the consequence of your I can’t be bothered learning to drive attitude, it means you can’t dictate activities that require driving.

@MargosKaftan

OP - things you need to do. A) learn to drive. B) arrange to go to your parents over Christmas by public transport, leave him at home to have his quiet Christmas alone. C) break up and find a man you are more suited to be with. He wants to live hours away from family but never have them visit, I couldn't live like that, so I wouldn't consider building a future with a man like that. You have no DCs, so this is the perfect time to think about what sort of lifestyle you want. What he's offering isn't it.

Woah - how the hell did you get to C) ?! The bloke just wants a quiet Christmas at home to relax and enjoy for one time of the year?? OP said he’s happy to see family earlier in the month….. just wants a quiet Christmas. Really not ‘LTB’ kinda material?

He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses

This is the other point that he raised - he doesn't want to spend 7/10 days as a guest in other peoples houses.

I completely get this, I'd hate to be a guest in one house for 3 days, then a guest in another house for 3 days. It involves spare rooms, sharing bathrooms, or worst case sodding air beds or sofa beds!

I don't blame him for wanting to stay home.

@Justcallmebebes

4 hours of motorway driving is hell and I wouldn't want to do this at Christmas either. You need to learn to drive and share the load or get the train.

Non drivers don't get to dictate (obviously only in driving related matters, not everything!)

This, plus he is then the designated driver, so can’t have a glass or two of wine with food. Motorway driving is very stressful, especially at Christmas when you know people are likely to be stressed, have had a drink, or have over excited children in the car, or even all three.

Not a driver? Think he’s lazy? Think driving is easy? Put a not very comfortable dining chair in front of the window, sit on it for four hours , try concentrating and paying attention to what is happening on the street outside, (who is walking past, how fast are they going, which direction are they walking in, what road traffic is there,) all while someone is talking to you and a radio is playing. Now imagine doing that on a fast busy road when a moments inattention could lead to injury or your death .

I don’t think you can insist because of the fact you don’t drive. However it’s quite unusual that he doesn’t want to see family at all. I can understand why you feel disappointed

I can't drive because of a health conditions and the meds I'm on making me spaced out and slow to react sometimes. I wouldn't call my husband a lazy dock if he didn't want to traipsing around family, he had a three hour drive each way for work recently, it's utterly exhausting and a motorway might seem easy but it's boring and long and straight and makes a tired person more likely to nod off in my opinion, I'd never and don't expect him to ferry me about anywhere and if he says no or that he needs some down time then he gets it, and if we're heading to my mothers one weekend and he says he's too tired then I book a taxi, or I meet my mother in a town accessible to us both or sometimes my mother will come and collect me (I never ask for her to do that) and we go for lunch or something.

Saying that though, he would never except me to clean and run around after guests on my own too because he sees how my health makes that hard for me. He'd never say a flat no to me having my family or friends in my home.

In very aware of looking like a piss taker with lifts so I never ask for them unless it's something urgent. I'm lucky to have family and friends who offer lifts but I decline most because I feel bad for making them go out of their way.

I'd say you either go see your family on train and stay overnight and if you want to see his family then you can arrange that too. If he doesn't want to see his own family himself then leave him at home and you go see them yourself. I wouldn't invite them round because I don't think you should be expected to clean and run around in your own just like I don't think he should have to do the driving on his own if he finds it stressful. So you can't share the driving, he won't share the hosting so I'd take yourself to see the people you want to see yourself.

Motorways are easy to drive on.

It depends though, doesn't it?

I usually find the run to Southampton (two hours for me) fine but on Tuesday night it was horrendous - driving rain and lane closures everywhere, so a night of merging and unmerging in unclear conditions. That was tiring as I had to be hyper-alert.

Dover is a similar distance for me and I find that much more stressful than the usual Southampton run due to all the large lorries heading for the port. I find I need to concentrate extremely hard the whole way on that route as the lorries overtake each other, do weird things to the wind, and so on.

We all have different capacities for driving too. Maybe it is a weakness to find it tiring but it is not a crime.

YABVU