AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

[minervas1]

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

And I think he is being a dick.

Learn to drive, obviously. Go and see your family on the train, if he doesn’t want to see his, fine.

You go to your parents on the train.
You invite his parents to yours for one day or if your dh really doesn’t want to see them that’s fine he can explain that to his family

But is this the only thing you don’t agree on as you sound quite rude towards him so perhaps worth reviewing if you are overall happy in this relationship

He's happy to see his family earlier in December - but you don't want that.

He's happy to compromise and drive you to one set of parents - but you don't want that.

They could come to you for a change - but you don't want that.

You could learn to drive and share the load - but you don't want that.

Everyone - YABU
You - No I'm not. Lol

Take the train. What did you do before he took you everywhere?

He’s not alone. Loads of people realised last year how nice Christmas is without travelling or visitors. You were the one who said it was perfect. Leave him be.

If you want to travel that’s up to you.

Seriously learn to drive or give your DH a break. You have no idea how exhausting it is.

Solution: ask for a set of driving lessons for Xmas, then you can be mistress of your own destiny instead of demanding a chauffeur.

I'm with your dh on this. See them earlier in December and enjoy your Christmas.

The pressure to see family at Christmas seems to fall on kids to bring grandkids to see older relatives.

My dps will come to us so that's fine but ILs expect us to visit. It's a 2.5 hour drive. I don't want to.

Driving 4 hours is nothing. I wouldn't think twice about this. But some people on MN act as if they are pulling a handcart for 4 hours.

Your families live 4 hours drive away and you've never learnt to drive?

Is there a compromise here?

He's already suggested one but you're not happy with that and accuse him of wanting everything his own way! Otherwise you need to learn to drive so you can share the driving or do family visits on your own.

I and many other drivers try to avoid driving on motorways because they are unpleasant to drive on. Lanes of traffic, lots of speeding even in poor conditions, people driving close behind you and people cutting you off when they change lanes so you have to change speed constantly. In the uk, you can hardly ever bung on cruise control and enjoy listening to the radio.

I also don't want to run round getting the house ready for guests all on my own.

In reality this is likely to take much less than the 8+ hours you want your DH to be driving for.

Driving 4 hours plus 4 hours back is very tiring. You may just have to trust us on that .

Your Dh is not wanting things all his way as he has agreed to drive you to your folks. You want to drive to both sets of parents - which appears to be wanting things all your way?

Is Dh driving you to his folks and you alone getting the train to yours a solution? he then does one journey only and you get to see both sets of parents.

Like with the others @minervas1 you lost me at 'I don't drive, can't be arsed.' People who cannot be arsed to learn to drive but expect everyone else to do it FOR them, and run them around wherever they want to go, really piss me off.

As other posters have said, you have no idea how exhausting it is. I would never, in a million years, be in a relationship with someone who could be ARSED to even try to learn to drive. 100% dealbreaker for me.

YABU of course, massively.........

You've never seen any reason to learn to drive because he's been doing it for you.

He's offered to take you to see your own family at Christmas at the expense of his own!

And you're online calling him a dick.

@Sailor2009

It's only October. Get yourself on an intensive course then you can do the "easy" 4 hours of motorway driving instead.

This...

Are you very young OP??

Am fed up with non drivers telling us how 'easy' driving is....my non driver pal had the audacity to insist I should do my 'fair share" of food prep at our self+catering that evening... ... After I had just driven 8 hours... But as it was motorway...' its nothing '...

You should do an intensive driving course... As you now NEED to LEARN and not be such a princess about it...it will worsen when you have kids... Or will you call him lazy when he doesn't fancy an evening of taxiing kids around?!

Also... I dobt know where to start about you not wanting to prep your house for visitors....but you presumably expect both sets of parents to do this for you

Let me guess... Can you feel a pea through mattresses too

I completely get your partners thinking here. He's not saying he doesn't want to do Christmas, he's putting your special time together above driving for hours to see family.
I think seeing family earlier December and then doing your own thing for Christmas sounds great!

@julieca

Driving 4 hours is nothing. I wouldn't think twice about this. But some people on MN act as if they are pulling a handcart for 4 hours.

Bore off. You don't get to say 4 hours driving is NOTHING. Maybe not for you, but for many others it is. So blob off.

@Essen

I and many other drivers try to avoid driving on motorways because they are unpleasant to drive on. Lanes of traffic, lots of speeding even in poor conditions, people driving close behind you and people cutting you off when they change lanes so you have to change speed constantly. In the uk, you can hardly ever bung on cruise control and enjoy listening to the radio.

No most drivers dont avoid motorways. Motorways are easy to drive on. Anxious drivers avoid motorways.

YABU

I do drive and I live four hours from my family. Driving 4 hours is exhausting at the best of times. Driving 4 hours with everyone travelling for Christmas is actually a 6 hour drive and it’s hell. The weather is usually awful. Everyone is impatient to get to their own destination and therefore 90% of drivers are dicks.

I think it’s also fair enough that he doesn’t want visitors over the Christmas period. I wouldn’t want to get the house ready for visitors if I’d told my DH I didn’t want visitors over the festive period. He’s willing to drive you to see your parents early in December. We’ve done Christmas with my family early December a number of times. It’s still exhausting doing that drive but you know you only have a few weeks of work to get through and you can have a proper rest over Christmas. We have a meal, leave Christmas presents and take ours back with us. I’ll do Christmas things with my mum, maybe help her bake or go for a wonder around a Christmas market. It’s really nice spreading out the visits and festivities.

If his compromise is to visit one family, why can't join both visit his and then you take the train to visit your family on your own for new year? I can understand him wanting to have time away from visiting or hosting, especially as you describe last year as perfect.

@1FootInTheRave

I can't believe you have the audacity to call him a lazy dick.

You're the lazy one who never learned to drive.

Stop leeching lifts and sort yourself out.

This

Motorway driving can be a nightmare.
You’re the lazy one OP. Learn to drive and have some autonomy.

@LittleDandelionClock it really isn't that big a deal. On MN I wonder how people think that anyone who drives for a living manages? Driving 9-10 hours a day for five days a week.

** why can't you

No idea where "join" came from

If I had posted saying that my DH wasn't helping get the house ready for guests, everyone would have been saying LTB, but me saying I don't expect to have to do that on my own is UR?? Okay.

Honestly - cop on to yourself!

Your DH has offered to drive to visit your family at Christmas. How on earth is that selfish?

And if I didn't want to host at Christmas but I was overruled I would leave my DP to crack on and get everything ready. Hosting can be tiring too.

FWIW - I've never learnt to drive either and I think you are BVVVU.

YABU. He's offered to take you to see your family and he's happy to forego seeing his so that he doesn't spend the entire holiday driving or entertaining people. It is not unusual to just see one side of the family over Christmas and then alternate families each year. I think a lot of people will have realised last year that having to go and see people or have people to stay is quite tiring and stressful. We actually enjoyed not having to travel 4 hours on Boxing Day last year to visit family and although we will probably do it this year (as MIL is 93 so may not have too many Christmases left) I'd prefer not too - and my DH happily does the driving.