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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

460 replies

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:22

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP posts:
julieca · 28/10/2021 13:29

Driving rain is hard to drive in on any road because it makes visibility so poor. Luckily it is not common.

HermioneKipper · 28/10/2021 13:29

Why can’t you learn to drive? You say you’ve never needed to except your family live a long drive away? Have you always expected to be driven up and down?

Sorry but non drivers who don’t have a medical excuse drive me bonkers. Always expecting other people to Ferry them around, opting out of picking up others, not participating in taking older relatives to appointments etc. Can never go to any venue even slightly away from transport links without others collecting them … the list goes on and on.

DriftingBlue · 28/10/2021 13:29

When we lived far from both families, at most we alternated years. Trying to do them both in the same year, even if you offset from the actual holiday can just get to be too exhausting from so much travel.

We did also draw a line and start expecting family to reciprocate visits. Not necessarily at Christmas, but just in general.

Finally, driving long distances is mentally and physically exhausting.

Horriblewoman · 28/10/2021 13:34

We have an early Christmas (2-3 weeks before) with my in laws and then Christmas at my parents. It saves long car journeys in one week and makes it less stressful.

His suggestion is perfectly reasonable

thevassal · 28/10/2021 13:36

YABU to call him a lazy dick for not ferrying you all over the country.

He is BU for wanting to spend the 2 weeks of Christmas doing nothing and seeing nobody other than maybe a few days at your parents, and not even compromising with letting family come to you.

I would take him up on his offer to drive to your parents for a few days this year. If his parents then ask when he is visiting them surely its up to him to explain he's not because he doesn't want to drive and he doesn't want them visiting his house. It's possible dealing with the upset of that (because it's a nasty thing to say to family you are apparently really close with that you can't be bothered to see them over a period of time known for celebrating with family) might make him change his mind. Either way it's not your fault or problem.

I would then consider your options for next year if it is likely he will say the same thing, or say that year he will only drive to his own parents (fair enough if he drives to your parents this year). Whether that's learning to drive or accepting you might have to take the train, or make the house visitor ready by yourself.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 28/10/2021 13:36

@julieca traffic, roadworks, accidents, all the people who don’t normally drive and sitting at 50mph in the middle lane. I presume OP visits her family outside of Christmas and is using the average time. If she was only visiting at Christmas I expect we’d have had a massive drip feed you now to make her look less selfish. When I say my family is 4 hours away, I mean my family are 4 hours away in good traffic. Which is why I say that 4 hour drive is a 6 hour drive at Christmas because I’ve done it enough. Given that OP doesn’t drive and has no inclination to learn, it doesn’t make much difference to her whether she spends 4 hours or 6 hours reading through MN. To her partner who is driving an extra 2 hours, most of which will be stop-start it is a big difference.

Even if it’s usually a 2 hour drive and it’s 4 hour at Christmas, that’s still double the amount of time with all the other Christmas traffic that OP is just expecting her to DH to drive.

There are a lot of people who drive for a living. Of the ones I know, none would want to spend their Christmas break driving in Christmas traffic due to the previously mentioned issues.

episcomama · 28/10/2021 13:38

I think you're both unreasonable to be honest. You, as a grown woman with no medical reasons for not driving, who simply can't be arsed to learn to drive, expecting DH to do it all.

And your DH for claiming that a 4-hour drive is going to exhaust him to the extent that it'll ruin his Christmas time off.

Perhaps while you're taking driving lessons he can retire to his room like the Victorian spinster he is.

Both pathetic to be honest.

Joystir59 · 28/10/2021 13:38

I wouldn't do a four hour round trip drive either. That's knackering. I'm with your DP on this one and if you want things different I think you might consider learning to drive.

RampantIvy · 28/10/2021 13:38

@julieca

Driving 4 hours is nothing. I wouldn't think twice about this. But some people on MN act as if they are pulling a handcart for 4 hours.
Over Christmas on very crowded roads is very tiring, and tedious. I once got stuck in a 40 mile traffic jam on the M25 between Christmas and new year driving back to Leeds from South London. It's an experience I would not like to repeat.
supersop60 · 28/10/2021 13:39

I've only got to page 4, and everyone is saying much the same thing.
Your DP says he'll see his family early in December.
He has offered to take you to see yours.
What is the problem?

Oh - and learn to drive.
You say you've never had a reason - you've just mentioned a very good one, so you can see your family, and your DP doesn't have to be your taxi driver, getting tired, worrying about traffic, and presumably not having his Christmas sherry!

SausageSizzle · 28/10/2021 13:39

YABU. It's his holiday and he's entitled not want to spend most of it driving or cooped up in other people's houses.

He's being very generous offering to visit your parents. I think you need to say "Thanks but no thanks", go yourself on public transport and leave him to sort it out if he wants to visit his family. Let him spend his holiday how he likes. When you have children, that won't be possible.

FangsForTheMemory · 28/10/2021 13:40

Goodness, it's not often I side with a DH but I do here. I can't drive myself and have never felt it worthwhile learning but I wouldn't expect someone else to ferry me around like that.

Joystir59 · 28/10/2021 13:40

I think your dp's idea of seeing family early in Dec and then hunkering down for Xmas is great

Notaroadrunner · 28/10/2021 13:40

YABU. You can visit your own family by public transport and let Dh stay at home. It's not your business if he chooses not to visit his family. If you're so desperate to see them then visit them on your own too. And learn to drive. Its unfair on your dh to expect him to drive you places just because you can't be bothered to learn.

julieca · 28/10/2021 13:40

The only thing I don't like is driving rain and thick patches of fog. Apart from that I don't care. Traffic jams - put music on and sing along.

episcomama · 28/10/2021 13:41

And it's a four-hour round trip? I thought you meant 4 hours each way? So two hours each way is enough to induce an attack if the vapours in your DH? Fuck me, unless he has ME or CFS I'd wonder what was wrong with him.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 28/10/2021 13:42

As long as he is up for visiting your parents, I would leave him to decide whether to visit his

ejhhhhh · 28/10/2021 13:43

We don't see my family at Christmas. We don't see them for precisely the reasons your DH has expressed, my family are also 4-5 hours away and I just find the drive and general travelling faff just too exhausting during Christmas. Christmas itself is bad enough, the run up to Christmas is always knackered, and all I want to do is be at home. I won't budge on that, after too many years when it was all too much and I returned to work needing (but obviously not getting) another holiday immediately. YABVVU.

BoredZelda · 28/10/2021 13:44

never had any interest in learning

Presumably because you want other people who have bothered to learn to give you a lift.

If I had posted saying that my DH wasn't helping get the house ready for guests, everyone would have been saying LTB, but me saying I don't expect to have to do that on my own is UR?? Okay.

Yes, but you didn't post that. You are relying on him for lifts. He is quite within his rights to say no.

ddl1 · 28/10/2021 13:44

If he says driving exhausts him, it does. I don't drive either (medical issues in my case), but I know that long-distance driving is exhausting for many, though not all, people. And apart from it being unfair to him to force him, someone who drives to the point of exhaustion is more likely to get into an accident.

Is there any way of getting there by public transport? If not, then your husband's suggestion of making the trip in a more relaxed way earlier in the month and 'hunkering down' for Christmas itself seems a reasonable one. Even apart from the driving aspect, being in a position of a guest at this often rather stressed and perfectionist time of year can be quite stressful in itself.

It would not be selfish in the least to have Christmas on your own! There are no rules about how Christmas MUST be done, and many people prefer to celebrate quietly, and nothing's wrong with that!. It would, however, be rather selfish IMO to put your dh through the stress of long-distance driving and being a guest at that time, if there are reasonable alternatives, which it seems that there are.

episcomama · 28/10/2021 13:45

@julieca

Driving 4 hours is nothing. I wouldn't think twice about this. But some people on MN act as if they are pulling a handcart for 4 hours.
Me too! Thank goodness, @julieca, I thought I'd fallen into a parallel world. Set off at 8, say, and you're there by 12 (assuming four hours one way).

That's the thing about MN though, isn't it? I think there's a disproportionate number of people for whom normal everyday life seems like too much of a struggle.

daisyjgrey · 28/10/2021 13:46

I mean, I don't find driving tiring so it's not a big deal to me, but also you don't have any idea and apparently don't fancy the idea of learning to drive (which is baffling, tbh), so I'm going to have to say it's you who is being a berk.

AliceMcK · 28/10/2021 13:46

It’s never too late to learn to drive. I was 29, my mum was in her 30s, my Nan in her 50s a friend of mine past her test just before covid, she was 49. You can’t expect anyone to do all that driving if they don’t want to.

Your also being unreasonable demanding he see his own family, it’s his family, if he chooses not to see them that’s up to him.

I totally understand where he’s coming from, I like to have all family obligation visits done by the 22/23rd then as you say, hunker down for Xmas.

He’s got a taste of a quiet Christmas now and I don’t blame him for wanting to keep it up.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 13:47

There's also a disproportionate number of people who assume that their experiences in life are the rights ones and feel that it's OK to look down on people who experience different struggles to themselves.

LittleMysSister · 28/10/2021 13:48

Tbh I think his family is his problem, why not just agree to his suggestion of doing one trip to your family and not going to his?

He can explain to them why when he sees them earlier in December.

It does seem a bit mean especially as if everyone is 4 hours away I assume you don't see them all the time, but people should also be allowed to enjoy a Christmas to themselves sometimes.

I would definitely learn to drive though, then you wouldn't have these problems as maybe he'd be more amenable if you could split the journeys.