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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

460 replies

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:22

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 30/10/2021 11:59

@Hont1986

If four hours of motorway driving doesn't tire you, then you are a dangerous driver.
THIS! And it gets worse as you get older, which should come as no surprise to anyone.

Driving in winter is fraught with danger, too, especially in the dark.

NoWordForFluffy · 30/10/2021 12:03

Driving in winter is fraught with danger, too, especially in the dark.

Especially with so many dazzling headlights out there now too. I rarely drive at night these days as I struggle to cope with these.

Briarshollow · 30/10/2021 12:48

@NoWordForFluffy

Driving in winter is fraught with danger, too, especially in the dark.

Especially with so many dazzling headlights out there now too. I rarely drive at night these days as I struggle to cope with these.

See, I’d find that anyone who was so completely taxed by a two hour car journey, in weather that is potentially slightly damper than usual, to likely be a poor driver at all times. December is extremely early winter, it’s very rarely below zero, the average UK temp is 7 degrees, it’s not dark all day so just travel in the morning. I really don’t see how people could find that overwhelming. Stop for a coffee after an hour for a wee, a coffee and a leg stretch if you need to.

Obviously he didn’t want to go and that’s probably his reason for digging his heels in initially, but I just can’t get my head around it being too ‘dangerous’ and ‘exhausting’ to drive two hours in one go in December . Confused

thing47 · 30/10/2021 12:54

Really whether any of us find driving tiring or not is completely irrelevant – OP's DH does, and since she can't drive, he is the one doing it all. He has every right to say he doesn't want to do it.

He has already offered the compromise of driving OP to see her family, he just doesn't want to make a second long journey over the Christmas period. He is happy to visit his family earlier in the month. How is that in any way unreasonable?

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/10/2021 13:13

See, I’d find that anyone who was so completely taxed by a two hour car journey, in weather that is potentially slightly damper than usual, to likely be a poor driver at all times

The OP said it was 4 hours - as they go and stay for a couple of days, I inferred it was 4 hours there and 4 hours back.

You positing that anyone suggesting driving for 2 hours during the Xmas period must be a "Poor driver at all times" if they finds it tiring - not al ALL judgemental, are you?

Briarshollow · 30/10/2021 13:15

@VickyEadieofThigh

See, I’d find that anyone who was so completely taxed by a two hour car journey, in weather that is potentially slightly damper than usual, to likely be a poor driver at all times

The OP said it was 4 hours - as they go and stay for a couple of days, I inferred it was 4 hours there and 4 hours back.

You positing that anyone suggesting driving for 2 hours during the Xmas period must be a "Poor driver at all times" if they finds it tiring - not al ALL judgemental, are you?

I thought the OP said it was four hours total. Two hours each way. I also thought she’d said they’d be staying over? So max driving is two hours a day.

I fully admit to being judgmental about it. Because I can’t understand it.

StormyTeacups · 30/10/2021 14:15

Me too 🤷

LaDamaDeElche · 30/10/2021 14:27

@Eilatan2018

You’re being a dick. Driving is tiring. Learn to drive or get the train
That's a stupid comment. You know there are people who literally drive for a living and spend more hours on motorways than that every day.
CSJobseeker · 30/10/2021 14:41

You know there are people who literally drive for a living and spend more hours on motorways than that every day.

This is a ridiculous comment. People who drive 8hrs a day are paid to do it precisely because it is hard work, it requires skill and it is tiring.

Similarly, some people clean for a living and will do 8hrs cleaning in a day. Does that mean cleaning isn't tiring and hard work? Does it mean that it's reasonable to expect your partner to do 4hrs cleaning because you don't want to learn how to do it yourself?

The fact that some people drive for a living makes it more obvious, not less, that driving is WORK.

CSJobseeker · 30/10/2021 14:47

Also, if driving isn't tiring, why are HGV drivers legally limited as to the hours they are allowed to spend on the road?

Briarshollow · 30/10/2021 14:52

@CSJobseeker

Also, if driving isn't tiring, why are HGV drivers legally limited as to the hours they are allowed to spend on the road?
It is tiring. In long bursts. The daily limit is nine or ten hours I believe for an HGV driver.

That’s a bit more than two hours.

CSJobseeker · 30/10/2021 15:03

Ah, so there's a magical tipping point where all of sudden driving becomes tiring work, and before that it's not at all? That's nonsense.

9hrs of driving is more tiring than 7hrs, which is more tiring than 5hrs, which is more tiring than 2hrs. But it's all tiring to some degree.

You could remove the word "driving" from the above sentence and insert "cleaning", or "cooking", or any other activity that people get paid to do for a living. Anything that involves human labour is going to be tiring to some degree.

CSJobseeker · 30/10/2021 15:07

I'm someone who will happily drive for long periods, on my own, in other countries (on the 'wrong' side of the road) etc. But I acknowledge that it's tiring and if you're starting the drive feeling below par (e.g. from work stress or because of the time of day), it will be more so.

Drivers who won't admit that even a 2hr drive can be very tiring in the right circumstances are probably fucking dangerous on the road, because they don't know when to pull over and give themselves a break.

LaDamaDeElche · 30/10/2021 15:15

@CSJobseeker

Also, if driving isn't tiring, why are HGV drivers legally limited as to the hours they are allowed to spend on the road?
Yes cleaning for 8 hours a day is tiring. Cleaning for 2 hours isn't. They aren't driving 8 hours they're driving 2 hours each way. Many people commute for longer than that every day.
NoWordForFluffy · 30/10/2021 15:23

@VickyEadieofThigh

See, I’d find that anyone who was so completely taxed by a two hour car journey, in weather that is potentially slightly damper than usual, to likely be a poor driver at all times

The OP said it was 4 hours - as they go and stay for a couple of days, I inferred it was 4 hours there and 4 hours back.

You positing that anyone suggesting driving for 2 hours during the Xmas period must be a "Poor driver at all times" if they finds it tiring - not al ALL judgemental, are you?

I agree, Vicky. Complete lack of understanding for others' capabilities.

I can drive that far without a break (I detest stopping for leg stretches and bloody coffee breaks; I want to just get where I'm going), but it is tiring. Some people would find it taxing, especially during a break from work when they just want to unwind and relax.

I think that the majority of driving I see is of a poor to piss poor quality. I'm not sure how long you can or can't drive in one go has any bearing on this!

timeisnotaline · 30/10/2021 15:23

I think cleaning for 2 hours a day is tiring! Driving is harder though as you need to keep focus, while your attention can drift dusting and vacuuming and scrubbing grout without causing a fatal accident. Plus driving is just sitting there so it’s even harder to keep focus personally, my brain finds it exhausting.

He’s tired. So not fresh and full of energy to do this drive. Our holidays next year with a small baby are not going to involve driving for long days out, as I want my husband to share the night waking while on holiday but I don’t want him driving long distances tired.

LaDamaDeElche · 30/10/2021 15:24

@CSJobseeker

I'm someone who will happily drive for long periods, on my own, in other countries (on the 'wrong' side of the road) etc. But I acknowledge that it's tiring and if you're starting the drive feeling below par (e.g. from work stress or because of the time of day), it will be more so.

Drivers who won't admit that even a 2hr drive can be very tiring in the right circumstances are probably fucking dangerous on the road, because they don't know when to pull over and give themselves a break.

You're just adding more things with each comment 😂 The OP is talking about driving for an Xmas trip, no mention of whether her DP will be suffering from tiredness before setting off, will be stress, whether the conditions will be bad, what time of day etc. A normal drive of two hours, with a stop over for a few days before driving the two hours back is completely normal and doable for most drivers. People in other countries, like where I live in Spain, drive those kind of distances all the time, because everything is more spread out. Unless there is some kind of genetic difference between British people and people from other countries when it comes to driving, I think complaining that a two hour drive is extremely tiring is a bit over the top.
BurntO · 30/10/2021 15:27

You think he’s a lazy dick and yet you cba to learn how to drive? Confused

Briarshollow · 30/10/2021 15:57

I think complaining that a two hour drive is extremely tiring is a bit over the top.

You’re right @LaDamaDeElche. It is. The partner is presumably a youngish and healthy person. However, he didn’t want to go so saying it would be exhausting as the OP doesn’t drive, would be a pretty good argument to make as she can’t really dispute it. Anyway, some posters on here are extremely precious and sensitive about driving for some reason and won’t be told. Confused

AnnieSnap · 30/10/2021 16:21

@Briarshollow you’re from the South aren’t you? 🙄

Daughterpanic · 30/10/2021 16:36

Op, I feel for both of you, but his family is his responsibility.
He said he's happy not to see them, I don't think it's your business now to interfere in that and I also understand why he wants peace when he's off. It seems to be you need to get the train.

Fanackapansy · 30/10/2021 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CSJobseeker · 30/10/2021 16:53

no mention of whether her DP will be suffering from tiredness before setting off, will be stress

The OP literally said in her posts:
"DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired"
"I think possibly he is feeling incredibly drained after this year"

Regarding the conditions - if I am visiting family and driving a long way, I'd usually be leaving early and getting back late. In December that means it will be dark, and the roads will be icy (I live up north and rurally, and heavy frosts here are the norm.) That's not guesswork, that's just a fact about driving round here in December.

I'm not a nervous driver in the slightest, I drive a long wheelbase van and am comfortable on any kind of road in the UK or abroad, but driving is not a relaxing snooze, and nor should it be treated as one - you're in charge of a machine that can kill people!

The OP is being unreasonable because she is showing absolutely no consideration of the fact that doing 100% of the driving is basically an extra chore for her DH.

CSJobseeker · 30/10/2021 16:55

And if driving is so super relaxing, the OP needs to get a licence and do it herself. The fact that she cba speaks volumes.

Briarshollow · 30/10/2021 17:07

North-west Scotland originally, @AnnieSnap, why?

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