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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

460 replies

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:22

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 28/10/2021 12:49

oh and YABVU

NailsNeedDoing · 28/10/2021 12:50

This is why I'm particularly annoyed with him as he wants everything his way.

No he doesn’t, if he had everything his way, he wouldn’t be taking you to visit your family.

It’s you that seems to want everything your way without compromise because you’re not happy with his reasonable idea of visiting his family in early December.

toomuchlaundry · 28/10/2021 12:50

Think it is time for you to learn to drive! If he is happy to see them earlier in December do that. Assume you are not leaving a MIL completely on their own over Christmas

itsallgoingpearshaped · 28/10/2021 12:50

That being said, though, you don't sound very compatible.

He doesn't want to host anyone in his home as it's his sanctuary? What about your feelings on the subject?

mbosnz · 28/10/2021 12:50

So you're not bothered to learn to drive and do the driving, and don't want to run around getting the house ready for guests all on your own.

I don't think the dude who is putting his foot down and saying he's not prepared to do a 4 hour drive in Winter Christmas traffic is the unreasonable, or lazy one, here.

Original poster
minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:53

@mbosnz

So you're not bothered to learn to drive and do the driving, and don't want to run around getting the house ready for guests all on your own.

I don't think the dude who is putting his foot down and saying he's not prepared to do a 4 hour drive in Winter Christmas traffic is the unreasonable, or lazy one, here.

If I had posted saying that my DH wasn't helping get the house ready for guests, everyone would have been saying LTB, but me saying I don't expect to have to do that on my own is UR?? Okay.
OP posts:
Libertynan · 28/10/2021 12:55

I think it's clear that you are being VVVVVVU by not learning to drive.

If you have no medical reasons then you should not expect your DH to do all the driving. It IS tiring especially on long drives. The driver has to concentrate pretty hard to negotiate tricky junctions, bad light, bad weather, other motorists. Non-drivers do not 'get' this aspect.

Brefugee · 28/10/2021 12:56

he's not your taxi service. You want to visit? learn to drive, take the train, get your parents to collect you.

It is an absolute pain in the backside being the only driver in a family and someone trying to dictate what you do in your downtime.

misskatamari · 28/10/2021 12:56

We have this situation sort of. I don't have much family, DH's are a four hour drive away, and he can't drive, so it all falls to me. I find it exhausting and stressful. Thankfully he's quite the homebody anyway, and likes to spend Christmas quite chilled, I'm probably the one who more wants to go visiting. I don't think your DH is being at all unreasonable to only want to do one trip over the break.

If it's something that is causing problems, maybe learn to drive? I know i find it quite a burden that all the driving always falls to me, so I can empathise if he feels similarly

NailsNeedDoing · 28/10/2021 12:56

But it would be you that wanted the guests, not him!

You’d get support if he wasn’t pulling his weight for guests that you both wanted to invite, but he’s offering to drive you to where you want to be even though he doesn’t want to. Can’t you see that he’s already compromising?

mbosnz · 28/10/2021 12:57

If you had posted that your husband had wanted guests, but you didn't, I'd have been saying, in that case it's up to him to get the house ready and do the entertaining, leave him to it.

JorisBonson · 28/10/2021 12:57

YABU.

I don't drive either, and my family are an 8 hour drive away. DH has done this trip of his own volition, not because I've expected him to. If he didn't want to do it, I'd book us train or plane tickets, not call him a selfish dick.

user1487194234 · 28/10/2021 12:58

No way I wouldn't see my family at Chrisrmas,but I wouldn't ask anyone to drive me

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/10/2021 12:58

OP why are you worrying about his family? It's his job to do that.

If you want to visit your family at some point over the festive period, agree a date with them and book yourself onto a train.

You have way more flexibility now than you would if you have dc so just have the December you want.

SpacePotato · 28/10/2021 12:59

He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself

Sounds like a great plan to me.

IslaPineappple · 28/10/2021 13:00

That much driving is tiring. And I don't think you can say it's easy as you're not the one doing it. Motorway driving can be shit

RaininSummer · 28/10/2021 13:00

Sorry Team DH here. Winter driving is hideous. Go up on the train yourself this time. You do need to make better plans going forward though if you actually want to be family oriented as life goes on. I do think you should learn to drive too. It's a life skill and you may regret not learning and being so dependent on others one day.

Effram · 28/10/2021 13:00

If you've never had the inclination to drive (because you've been driven around) you can't expect him to do it. It IS exhausting driving, especially 4 hour round trips, especially in Christmas traffic, especially in winter weather. I am not surprised he wants to relax. Learn to drive and if you share it with him (or drive him!) he might be more up for it. I am the driver in our relationship and I like driving and STILL find it exhausting and get fed up at Christmas that it's all on me and my partner does not appreciate how tiring it is. also you can't relax/have a drink on the day you have to leave so yeah - I'm with him.

Brefugee · 28/10/2021 13:01

If I had posted saying that my DH wasn't helping get the house ready for guests, everyone would have been saying LTB, but me saying I don't expect to have to do that on my own is UR?? Okay.

no we'd say, as people often do to posters whose DH has invited the inlaws to visit without checking with the OP, "the person who did the inviting can do all the running around"

I don't blame him for not wanting to traipse around in winter. It's boring and exhausting. He's kindly offered to take you to your parents, he's not bothered about seeing his, if you're that bothered about seeing his parents take the train and visit them yourself?

Chikapu · 28/10/2021 13:02

I also don't want to run round getting the house ready for guests all on my own

Why not? Are you a lazy dick?

SuperSange · 28/10/2021 13:03

The entitlement is strong with this one. He doesn't want to do it, you you do it yourself. You don't get to dictate how others should spend their holidays. Driving for that length of time is bloody tiring. Perhaps try it yourself, or address why you can't be arsed to learn?

maddy68 · 28/10/2021 13:05

I think you also have a duty to parents and Xmas is a special time for them. You should see them both imo could you compromise and meet them half way?

Chloemol · 28/10/2021 13:05

Don’t be such a twat

You don’t drive because basically you couldn’t be bothered to learn and then complain when your husband says he is not prepared to spend his holiday driving

And assuming motorway driving is not difficult is ridiculous, it’s very tiring having to have your wits about you at all times

He has offered to go to your parents, he is therefore not bothered about seeing his parents. From the post it would appear that he loved last year because he didn’t have to drive you across the country, and has decided that’s what he would like moving forward, less driving

So how about you learning to drive then you can share the load? In the meantime if you are that desperate tobsee his parents use public transport

amusedbush · 28/10/2021 13:05

My DH doesn't drive and has no intention of learning. Generally it doesn't bother me but there are times when he'll whinge and say, "can't we just drive there? It's so much easier". Easier? For whom? For him, because he gets to sit on his arse and be ferried door to door. Sometimes I'd like to just sit and decompress on the train instead of being tense and stressed in traffic.

Winter driving is shite so I wouldn't do it, and I say that as someone who crams family obligations in before the 24th so I can spend the entire Christmas period seeing nobody and doing nothing.

Merryhobnobs · 28/10/2021 13:05

We travelled every single year to my parents (3 hours away) and then to his (an additional 6 hours away) to then return home ( 8 hours) over the festive season. After kids we've stayed at home and it has been so nice. There are various things you think back on after your kids are born and one of them for us is how we could have occasionally enjoyed our holidays so much more and been relaxed without all that travel. Now we stay at home and if family want to see us they can travel. This year is an exception as we are going to one destination but thats an outcome of that person not being able to travel and covid, if we didn't go it would be summer before we saw them.But we've made it clear that it is a one off. Why not just stay a tohme this year like your husband wants and take it turn about.

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