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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To completely cut ties with my parents over racism towards my husband and daughter

119 replies

ST90 · 27/10/2021 18:13

My husband is Japanese, he moved over here when he was 14. All my family are white. He is a really amazing guy, is a great dad, treats me really well and we get on so well. Our relationship is far more healthy than any previous relationship I was in. We've been together 6.5 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I am sure my parents would love him if he was white.
They have always been very rude to him, talk to him as if he doesn't speak English very well, frequently make a disgusting racist joke about asian people, always refer to him as being Chinese, still don't know how to say his name properly. They have accused me of only dating him because he was rich, which is completely untrue and our incomes are very similar. I've called them out on this repeatedly from the start but this hasn't helped, they just deny they are being racist and pretend that they are the victims.
When we first got together his parents where uneasy about him dating me and wanted him to be with an Asian girl but now I get on quite well with his family. I had hoped a similar thing would happen with my family and they'd eventually change their attitude towards him.
After a while I decided that if we were spending time with them and they made a racist comment we would immediately leave. This improved things somewhat initially.
I hoped things would get better when our daughter was born, however they have not. She looks Asian and they treat her much worst than my sister's children. We're raising her bilingual and she frequently says a Japanese word or phrase in her English, which is completely normal. My parents told her off for doing this and have spoken to me about how we're confusing her by raising her this way. They've also said bad things about Asian culture to her, which makes me so angry. Recently I've tried to see them less often and when I do try to see them alone. Obviously Covid has helped with this. My husband says that although he is hurt by them and doesn't like spending time with them, they are family and will always be. And that he loves me and they are a big part of my life and so he wants to keep making an effort. One time we got a babysitter for an evening and they found out about this and told me she should stay there and I should have asked them. I was honest and told them I didn't want her to spend time with them alone when they repeatedly said awful and not true things about Asian culture in front of her. They decided that he had pressured me into this and that this was a sign of abuse and sent me an article on how pressuring someone from spending time with family was a key sign of abuse. This is completely untrue and he has always encouraged me from continuing to make an effort with them.
Obviously I've spoken to them so many times about this and nothing gets through to them and I am so angry. I feel so awful that they are treating the 2 people I love the most so horribly. My sister agrees with me about their behaviour and has spoken to them too but this didn't work either.
Recently I saw them and they were criticising him and comparing him unfavourably to my sister's husband and some of my exes. They kept on mentioning how they now think he is stopping me spending time with them and how they thought this was abuse. Ridiculously they were comparing him unfavourably to an ex who was abusive. I got so angry with them and told them that I no longer wanted them to be in our lives and didn't want to see them anymore.
My husband thinks this is an over reaction as they will always be family. And my sister and a couple of my friends agree. I do feel awful at the thought of cutting them out of our life when they have made so many sacrifices for me and I have lots of happy memories with them. However I just can't keep watching them treat my husband and daughter like that and can't keep putting them in that situation and feel awful for having done that for so long. If anyone other than my parents were doing this I'd have cut ties ages ago. Do you think I am right to cut contact with them or is it an over-reaction?

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 27/10/2021 18:16

They won't change so its probably best to avoid them

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 27/10/2021 18:17

This is horrendous behaviour and these people need to not be in your lives! Your poor husband! Your poor child. Please cut them out for their sake.

Flowerlane · 27/10/2021 18:18

I cut ties with a majority of my family for being racist against my child. 7 years on no regrets here. Protect your child. Your husband sounds lovely.

Wisewordswouldhelp · 27/10/2021 18:19

I think if you continue to have a relationship with them you would be exposing your daughter to hatred and the feeling that she is less!

RightOnTheEdge · 27/10/2021 18:19

YANBU! I'm surprised that you put up with it for this long OP.
They sound horrible.

stairway · 27/10/2021 18:21

Im in multicultural relationship and gave experienced similar although not directed at our children. I will go against the grain though and would never cut my parents out as I love them and they won’t be around forever.

takealettermsjones · 27/10/2021 18:22

Your husband is an absolute trouper for wanting to put up with this BS for your sake. But it hurts you, too, as it should - and maybe he hasn't factored that in. And oh my word, the impact on your daughter as she grows up! You are absolutely right to cut them off.

Allthesefolks · 27/10/2021 18:23

Your husband is a saint! You need to protect your child, they will never change, it isn’t your DH keeping you away from them, it’s their toxic behaviour.

PhoboPhobia · 27/10/2021 18:23

You seem to be the only one taking this seriously and good on you for doing so. They sound awful.

If your DH wants you to maintain a relationship that’s one thing but your DD can’t speak up for herself. If you do t act now she will grow up thinking she has to make allowances for people being racist just because they’re blood related.

I think you’re right to very much distance yourself from them.

rrhuth · 27/10/2021 18:23

Yanbu, this is awfully sad and upsetting for you but their behaviour is really unacceptable.

HeckyPeck · 27/10/2021 18:25

YANBU. The choice as I see it is for you to subject your child to racism from your parents or not see your parents. I think you're making the right choice.

Your child will sadly experience racism in their life and you can't stop it all, but at least you can stop her own family from doing it by keeping them away from her.

Chloemol · 27/10/2021 18:25

You husband may be looking at it from a cultural thing as Japanese culture is to look after family whatever

However their behaviour is appalling and I would go LC as a minimum. Only seeing them at large family events when others are there

Hoppinggreen · 27/10/2021 18:25

They sound awful and you need to protect your daughter from them.
It doesn’t matter if they are family

mbosnz · 27/10/2021 18:26

How horrible, closed minded, and bigoted of them.

Your husband sounds lovely, and like he's got a strong set of values, but I think he's wrong on this one. It is a toxic family environment, where your husband, your little girl's father, and indeed, your little girl are getting badly treated. That's not healthy for them.

I'd be telling them their abusive behaviour will not be tolerated, and at the first appearance of any racist comment or action around me, my daughter, or my husband, and we'd be leaving. And not coming back anytime soon. I'd give them that fair warning, and when it happened, and it will be when, not if, I'd follow through.

My first priority is my husband and child, and I could not tolerate them being denigrated and abused.

blubberyboo · 27/10/2021 18:26

This is awful and as you have already spoken to them multiple times to no avail I can’t think what else you can do. They are still going to accuse him of being abusive which means I can’t see them ever changing. Unless you can get someone outside to talk some sense into them

Its all incredibly sad for your daughter

Harlequin1088 · 27/10/2021 18:28

Your parents sound like awful people. Your husband has the patience of a saint.

BananaPB · 27/10/2021 18:29

I am NC with my racist mother and have no regrets. I'm proud that she has never met my kids and not tainted them with her disgusting views. At a minimum I would go very low contact - they certainly wouldn't know details about our lives like using a babysitter.

Original poster

ST90 · 27/10/2021 18:30

Thanks everyone, I'll continue to cut them off. I feel really sad about it all but I can't put them in that situation

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/10/2021 18:31

Cutting them off is well overdue.

Spidersinmyhair · 27/10/2021 18:32

I'm half East-asian like your daughter and this kind of shitty behaviour is part and parcel of the experience of growing up as a non-white person in the UK. It's awful and even more hurtful when it comes from supposed friends and family. It sounds like you've tried your best to get through to your parents. Tbh whether you cut ties or not the message your daughter is receiving is that her ethnicity is unacceptable. By cutting them off you will be exposing her to less of the direct racism, but their absence in your life will speak volumes to her anyway. Sorry that you are all going through this. Tackling racism is a lifelong battle.

ParmigianoReggiano · 27/10/2021 18:33

YANBU, but personally I would reduce contact significantly rather than completely cutting them off. Leave them a way back in case they do have a change of heart.

Squirrelblanket · 27/10/2021 18:34

This is an awful situation, I'm so sorry.

It sounds like your parents are unlikely to change. Based on this, I would go no contact or at least very low contact. It's upsetting for you and your husband but I'd mainly be concerned about the long term effects on your daughter who will pick up on the tensions more and more. It's a terrible position to be in but I think you need to put YOUR family first.

hangrylady · 27/10/2021 18:35

Your husband sounds great OP, as do you. Remove yourselves from these toxic people, your husband and daughter are your family now.

Cuddlemuffin · 27/10/2021 18:36

I think the obvious answer is yes you need to cut off from them but it's always going to be a very complex situation. I think you should get some professional counseling to support you with this decision and how you will move forward. The impact it must be having on you is horrendous and your child needs to be protected from them. Just because they are family ndoesnt excuse their behaviour and it's hardly covert emotional manipulation it's just straight upfront racism. Your daughter won't forgive you for facilitating this awful relationship with her grandparents which allows her dad and her to be victimised. Get some professional advice and support for this, it's going to be a rocky road ahead x

CookieDoughKid · 27/10/2021 18:38

I'm Chinese and my husband is white. I agree with previous poster that your husband is looking at this from his own cultural lens. Japanese much like Chinese do not like to speak out and cause trouble or at least think they could be a factor in any trouble. I'm generalising of course but we are a more passive society. My DH's family has done some dispicable things. And we've really distant ourselves. The distance has heeled things alot. DH is ready to cut them off but I've said to DH they are your parents, it might be something you regret. That's my culture talking and the feelings of duty. It's ingrained in me. I think your DH is a saint personally, he's a very gracious man and probably able to rise above it all a lot better than I could or would. Can distancing be an option?

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