To completely cut ties with my parents over racism towards my husband and daughter

[ST90]

My husband is Japanese, he moved over here when he was 14. All my family are white. He is a really amazing guy, is a great dad, treats me really well and we get on so well. Our relationship is far more healthy than any previous relationship I was in. We've been together 6.5 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I am sure my parents would love him if he was white.
They have always been very rude to him, talk to him as if he doesn't speak English very well, frequently make a disgusting racist joke about asian people, always refer to him as being Chinese, still don't know how to say his name properly. They have accused me of only dating him because he was rich, which is completely untrue and our incomes are very similar. I've called them out on this repeatedly from the start but this hasn't helped, they just deny they are being racist and pretend that they are the victims.
When we first got together his parents where uneasy about him dating me and wanted him to be with an Asian girl but now I get on quite well with his family. I had hoped a similar thing would happen with my family and they'd eventually change their attitude towards him.
After a while I decided that if we were spending time with them and they made a racist comment we would immediately leave. This improved things somewhat initially.
I hoped things would get better when our daughter was born, however they have not. She looks Asian and they treat her much worst than my sister's children. We're raising her bilingual and she frequently says a Japanese word or phrase in her English, which is completely normal. My parents told her off for doing this and have spoken to me about how we're confusing her by raising her this way. They've also said bad things about Asian culture to her, which makes me so angry. Recently I've tried to see them less often and when I do try to see them alone. Obviously Covid has helped with this. My husband says that although he is hurt by them and doesn't like spending time with them, they are family and will always be. And that he loves me and they are a big part of my life and so he wants to keep making an effort. One time we got a babysitter for an evening and they found out about this and told me she should stay there and I should have asked them. I was honest and told them I didn't want her to spend time with them alone when they repeatedly said awful and not true things about Asian culture in front of her. They decided that he had pressured me into this and that this was a sign of abuse and sent me an article on how pressuring someone from spending time with family was a key sign of abuse. This is completely untrue and he has always encouraged me from continuing to make an effort with them.
Obviously I've spoken to them so many times about this and nothing gets through to them and I am so angry. I feel so awful that they are treating the 2 people I love the most so horribly. My sister agrees with me about their behaviour and has spoken to them too but this didn't work either.
Recently I saw them and they were criticising him and comparing him unfavourably to my sister's husband and some of my exes. They kept on mentioning how they now think he is stopping me spending time with them and how they thought this was abuse. Ridiculously they were comparing him unfavourably to an ex who was abusive. I got so angry with them and told them that I no longer wanted them to be in our lives and didn't want to see them anymore.
My husband thinks this is an over reaction as they will always be family. And my sister and a couple of my friends agree. I do feel awful at the thought of cutting them out of our life when they have made so many sacrifices for me and I have lots of happy memories with them. However I just can't keep watching them treat my husband and daughter like that and can't keep putting them in that situation and feel awful for having done that for so long. If anyone other than my parents were doing this I'd have cut ties ages ago. Do you think I am right to cut contact with them or is it an over-reaction?

same issue with my partner parents yet he insist on me being around them and refuses to believe his mum is a racist even though she married one who is very openly racist.
he is half pakistani and the mums husband has referred to him, her own son as a Pk

@dementedpixie

They won't change so its probably best to avoid them

This. Sorry op but they are scum. Scum don't deserve attention.

Give them due warning that if they say one more nasty thing about your beloved ones, you will cut them out of your life.

If they do, then they have nobody to blame but themselves.

I’m mixed raced. My white mother allowed racist people to be around me throughout my life until I cut her off in my late twenties.
Life is tough enough to navigate as a non-white person without it coming from friends & family. I don’t speak to any of them now & I struggle with knowing we share the same DNA. It repulses me actually.

To allow it is to actively condone it. Your husband’s perspective maybe different because he can choose to not take this personally. What these people think may mean nothing to him because they are no one to him. Your child does not have that privilege.
He also isn’t mixed raced and so he won’t understand the complexities of needing to plant firm roots on each side.

Your family are racist. Whatever else they have been & are is not relevant now. That supersedes all else. If you choose to continue to have them around you are aligning yourself with their views. Your child will never be able to opt in or out of racism. That’s a privilege that in your household only you can enjoy.

Yes you can call them out every time they say something unsavoury but racism mostly isn’t about what is said but about what isn’t. It’s often a carbon monoxide sort of affair.

Hey everyone, thanks for replying. I'm not going to contact them anymore unless they admit they've done wrong and apologise. My husband has now agreed that it is probably right because of our daughter. I think he feels bad about it and blames himself, he keeps apologising to me even though he's done literally nothing wrong. And it should be me whos apologising for putting him in that position for so long. I keep telling him its completely on them and he's done everything perfectly. But we have definitely both agreed that we can't let our daughter or any other child we may have in the future spend time with them any more. He is such an amazing guy and is being really great about it and keeps telling me I'm brave and selfless and that he can't imagine having to do that. I feel really sad about it and it almost feels like grief but I know this is right and we've given them too many chances.

@Whatinthelord

I think you’re right to cut them out, mainly because of the potential harm they could cause your daughter by their comments about her father and “Asians”.

What do your friends and family advise you then? How are you supposed to mitigate against the harm of being treated worse than your white cousins or hearing your father\you be racially abused?

They haven't really offered any good solutions. Just to keep trying and making it clear they are wrong but we've tried for too long already. They just say they are my parents and that you can't cut off parents when they've done so much for me but I have to unfortunately

Yanbu. Not at all! Their behaviour is horrendous.
Its awful on its own, but it's not only that. They are completely disrespecting you by saying things to your daughter that they know they shouldn't. They dismiss your views and feelings constantly. They sound like they are just overall rude, nasty and disrespectful.
It would be enough to cut them out just for their treatment of you.

You are 100% right in protecting both your lovely husband and daughter. I couldn't care less what race another person is if they're good people

@SparklyGlasses

This is awful and so sad - how the hell can't they see what they're doing and what they stand to lose?! As your DH is really supportive, I'd go with a low communication. How that works is up to you really - you see them as a family but only occasionally or you ring them sometimes to chat or you contact them via email - something that works for you? I think you need to make it really really clear that the no or low communication is all your choice and your DH is actually encouraging the relationship and not hindering it at all and it is absolutely not a situation of abuse (although it sounds like you already have but do so in a very blunt text or email maybe so they have it in writing?).

I think I will message them occasionally but not actually see them. I have and they don't believe me and think I am just saying that. I have sent them texts to say it is from me not him before but they don't believe me

@Tigersauros

Hi op, nced to reply to you. I'm the dd in this situation, but it didn't help that my parents divorced later (for other reasons). I'd suggest first trying a different approach to cutting ties, that is for your DD and dh to spend a lot of time together with them, so they start seeing commonalities rather than differences. Your DH comes from a culture that puts family ties first even if those ties make your life very difficult. He'll understand and try his best. Your parents sound from the 50s, in their approach to bilingualism. Show them documentaries about how bilingual children are more likely to be ahead in various areas in school. If nothing works, don't take them seriously, even make a joke out of it. My grandparents did accept me and ended up loving me but not my parent. At some point they might start viewing your DD for who she is, rather than a "race". I am not upset at them and am glad they were in my life. Your DH sounds resilient. So really it is down to you to see how much upset this causes you but maybe try to get them to be close before severing ties.

I don't think it is fair really to ask them to do this and they have already spent far too much time with them and it hasn't made it any better. I obviously want them to change but we've tried so much already and I can't keep doing that anymore

You can’t force your parents not to believe those things but they make a conscious choice to repeatedly say them in front of your husband and DD. You have warned them they have decided to carry on. They are 100% responsible.

I’m a speech therapist by the way and you are doing the right thing regarding languages.

@CookieDoughKid

I'm Chinese and my husband is white. I agree with previous poster that your husband is looking at this from his own cultural lens. Japanese much like Chinese do not like to speak out and cause trouble or at least think they could be a factor in any trouble. I'm generalising of course but we are a more passive society. My DH's family has done some dispicable things. And we've really distant ourselves. The distance has heeled things alot. DH is ready to cut them off but I've said to DH they are your parents, it might be something you regret. That's my culture talking and the feelings of duty. It's ingrained in me. I think your DH is a saint personally, he's a very gracious man and probably able to rise above it all a lot better than I could or would. Can distancing be an option?

Thanks, I think this is true at least to some extent and also just he just sees the best in people and also he knows that they are important to me and loves me. I'm sorry you've been in a similar position and pleased it has got better. Hopefully over time I will feel a bit less sad about the situation. Yeah he is a really great man but it is our daughter who we most need to do this for. We have been gradually distancing ourselves from them over time, I think now none of us our going to see them at all and I might occassionally message them but that's it

I am so sorry op . I am the Asian part of a mixed race family and I know how hard it can be. My immediate in laws did come round after some time, but I am not seeing signs that your mum and dad will. I would never expose my mixed race children to anyone who would say racist or unkind things around their heritage. I have broken ties with some of my DH's extended family because of this and frankly they have not been missed. Different with parents though. I would sit down again and set out clearly how you feel. That this is bad for you, your DD, your husband and just generally bad. I still doubt that it will make a difference, but at least try. Then if this does not work, go very low contact. It will be hard, but it is the right thing to do and you need to do it to support your DD.

@BananaPB

I am NC with my racist mother and have no regrets. I'm proud that she has never met my kids and not tainted them with her disgusting views. At a minimum I would go very low contact - they certainly wouldn't know details about our lives like using a babysitter.

I am sorry you had to go through a similar thing They found it out as I asked my sister first but she couldn't babysit that night, and she mentioned it to our parents

Reading your posts is so sad because your blinkered parents are clearly going to miss out on potentially fabulous relationships with lovely people. So sorry you’re in this (ridiculous) situation.

@Cuddlemuffin

I think the obvious answer is yes you need to cut off from them but it's always going to be a very complex situation. I think you should get some professional counseling to support you with this decision and how you will move forward. The impact it must be having on you is horrendous and your child needs to be protected from them. Just because they are family ndoesnt excuse their behaviour and it's hardly covert emotional manipulation it's just straight upfront racism. Your daughter won't forgive you for facilitating this awful relationship with her grandparents which allows her dad and her to be victimised. Get some professional advice and support for this, it's going to be a rocky road ahead x

Thanks, it is really tough but I know I am doing the right thing. Tbh it feels almost like grief and you're right I probably should see a therapist about it

@Brainwave89

I am so sorry op . I am the Asian part of a mixed race family and I know how hard it can be. My immediate in laws did come round after some time, but I am not seeing signs that your mum and dad will. I would never expose my mixed race children to anyone who would say racist or unkind things around their heritage. I have broken ties with some of my DH's extended family because of this and frankly they have not been missed. Different with parents though. I would sit down again and set out clearly how you feel. That this is bad for you, your DD, your husband and just generally bad. I still doubt that it will make a difference, but at least try. Then if this does not work, go very low contact. It will be hard, but it is the right thing to do and you need to do it to support your DD.

Thanks and I'm sorry you've been through a similar situation. We have already done that and unfortunately it didn't make a difference to anything. I know this is right and we're doing the right thing but yeah it is tough

Follow your gut, your husband sounds lovely. They won't change, and your sister can see it too. xx

@Spidersinmyhair

I'm half East-asian like your daughter and this kind of shitty behaviour is part and parcel of the experience of growing up as a non-white person in the UK. It's awful and even more hurtful when it comes from supposed friends and family. It sounds like you've tried your best to get through to your parents. Tbh whether you cut ties or not the message your daughter is receiving is that her ethnicity is unacceptable. By cutting them off you will be exposing her to less of the direct racism, but their absence in your life will speak volumes to her anyway. Sorry that you are all going through this. Tackling racism is a lifelong battle.

I'm sorry that you have to live with that all the time and it is awful. I've seen a lot of it through my husband and he's told me some of what its like but tbh I am still somewhat ignorant of the extent of what its like. It is really sad that this situation has occured but you're right I can't let her see them again and I need to protect her as much as I can from racism

@Tigersauros

Ps. Of course this all depends on how much racism is happening here and whether ger your DD is affected. Is there open mockery going on? Deragotary comments? Assumptions on character traits, ability, skills? If that's the case, and you see nothing changing, then cutting ties is the best option.

Shocking post.

@SlamLikeAGuitar

Oh OP this hurts my heart to read I’m also white British and married to a man of Asian descent. My DH was born in Thailand, but has lived here since he was a child. We also have DCs together who we are raising bilingual. If I found myself in your position, I would absolutely cut my parents out - not just for the sake of myself and DH, but for the sake of my DCs. The things your parents are saying in front of and directly to your child are beyond damaging. A lot of mixed race children already struggle with fitting their cultural identity into a specific “box” as they grow up, and your parents’ views and opinions are just going to perpetuate the idea that there is something “wrong” with your daughter’s asian half. My parents welcomed my DH and his family with open arms, the same way the would if I’d brought home a white British man. The only question that ever arose regarding our relationship is “does he make you happy?”. A few other members of the extended family have made a few unsavoury comments over the years, but luckily those are people I don’t have to see or speak to more than a few times a year. The whole “they’re still your family” bullshit simply doesn’t wash with me. Toxic is toxic, regardless of whether you share dna with them. (Also with your dd slipping Japanese words/phrases into her speech when she’s speaking English, I promise you that gets better with age I spent the first couple of years of my middle child’s life translating for my parents because he would often start a sentence in English and finish it in Thai!!)

Thanks, its really great how easily your parents welcomed your husband and I'm really happy that it is working out so well for you! I have cut them off and it was hard but I know it is the right thing to do. I am really worried that our daughter will feel like that and I probably unaware of the extent of this and should be more concerned. I am not worried at all about her speaking Japanese words in English, it is not a problem and I know it is normal.

@bembridge11

I dont have any solutions. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear this. Your husband sounds like a lovely person and he is showing some wonderful tolerant qualities in the face of this awful behaviour. It would utterly break my heart if my parents were mean to my child in the way you describe.

Your first priority has to be your husband and child. Some distance and space is what you need right now - and thats ok.

They will always be your family. But it is ok for you to put some distance between you and them for a time while you process and manage your hurt and upset.

Thanks, yeah he is an amazing person and I am really lucky to have him. I am really upset and hurt about it. I don't think I can let them back in unless they admit they were completely wrong and apologise to all 3 of us

@Unsure33

I think I would be tempted to write them a letter and keep a copy to explain it is your DH who is encouraging you to keep contact but you are not willing to put up with their racist behaviour .

They sound like people who would twist the situation to suit themselves. But if you put it in black and white they won’t have any excuse to turn it round on you .

I would in your situation have very very low contact .

I have told them this in texts so I have got proof of this, but it hasn't really worked and they think I am just saying this