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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To completely cut ties with my parents over racism towards my husband and daughter

119 replies

ST90 · 27/10/2021 18:13

My husband is Japanese, he moved over here when he was 14. All my family are white. He is a really amazing guy, is a great dad, treats me really well and we get on so well. Our relationship is far more healthy than any previous relationship I was in. We've been together 6.5 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I am sure my parents would love him if he was white.
They have always been very rude to him, talk to him as if he doesn't speak English very well, frequently make a disgusting racist joke about asian people, always refer to him as being Chinese, still don't know how to say his name properly. They have accused me of only dating him because he was rich, which is completely untrue and our incomes are very similar. I've called them out on this repeatedly from the start but this hasn't helped, they just deny they are being racist and pretend that they are the victims.
When we first got together his parents where uneasy about him dating me and wanted him to be with an Asian girl but now I get on quite well with his family. I had hoped a similar thing would happen with my family and they'd eventually change their attitude towards him.
After a while I decided that if we were spending time with them and they made a racist comment we would immediately leave. This improved things somewhat initially.
I hoped things would get better when our daughter was born, however they have not. She looks Asian and they treat her much worst than my sister's children. We're raising her bilingual and she frequently says a Japanese word or phrase in her English, which is completely normal. My parents told her off for doing this and have spoken to me about how we're confusing her by raising her this way. They've also said bad things about Asian culture to her, which makes me so angry. Recently I've tried to see them less often and when I do try to see them alone. Obviously Covid has helped with this. My husband says that although he is hurt by them and doesn't like spending time with them, they are family and will always be. And that he loves me and they are a big part of my life and so he wants to keep making an effort. One time we got a babysitter for an evening and they found out about this and told me she should stay there and I should have asked them. I was honest and told them I didn't want her to spend time with them alone when they repeatedly said awful and not true things about Asian culture in front of her. They decided that he had pressured me into this and that this was a sign of abuse and sent me an article on how pressuring someone from spending time with family was a key sign of abuse. This is completely untrue and he has always encouraged me from continuing to make an effort with them.
Obviously I've spoken to them so many times about this and nothing gets through to them and I am so angry. I feel so awful that they are treating the 2 people I love the most so horribly. My sister agrees with me about their behaviour and has spoken to them too but this didn't work either.
Recently I saw them and they were criticising him and comparing him unfavourably to my sister's husband and some of my exes. They kept on mentioning how they now think he is stopping me spending time with them and how they thought this was abuse. Ridiculously they were comparing him unfavourably to an ex who was abusive. I got so angry with them and told them that I no longer wanted them to be in our lives and didn't want to see them anymore.
My husband thinks this is an over reaction as they will always be family. And my sister and a couple of my friends agree. I do feel awful at the thought of cutting them out of our life when they have made so many sacrifices for me and I have lots of happy memories with them. However I just can't keep watching them treat my husband and daughter like that and can't keep putting them in that situation and feel awful for having done that for so long. If anyone other than my parents were doing this I'd have cut ties ages ago. Do you think I am right to cut contact with them or is it an over-reaction?

OP posts:

Mantlemoose · 27/10/2021 20:08

I would cut off contact, that's horrific.

bozzabollix · 27/10/2021 20:10

I’ve got a good friend who has lost his marriage mainly because his family are racist pigs and were to his soon to be ex. He’s heartbroken.

I’d go full nuclear on this and say unless they start to update their attitudes and join the twenty first century then you won’t be in their lives anymore. If they continue then do it, they’ve had enough chats, they need a rocket up their arses now.

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2021 20:12

Ignorant, racist, spiteful people are always someone's 'family'

They don't need to be yours

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/10/2021 20:14

At the risk of sounding equally racist (or stereotypical, at least), I know that Japanese people place great store in family and respecting their elders so this must be very difficult for your husband to understand, let alone deal with. It’s heartbreaking for you in respect of your daughter, though. No sensible advice, just really sad to read your post.
My parents (80s and 70s) have a real hatred of Japanese people because of their personal, close family histories. However illogical now, I just avoid the subject (though our youngest child’s best friend was for some years Japanese, has returned to their homes country now). The fact that you have such a young child suggests that isn’t the issue, though, at their ages.
In the same situation, I would prioritise my child and husband, no question.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/10/2021 20:19

I'm the product of a multiracial relationship and I can't stress enough how the best thing to do is cut them right off. The second you have to start justifying someone's humanity to someone else who can't see it because of the person's race the show's over.

bembridge11 · 27/10/2021 20:20

I dont have any solutions. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear this. Your husband sounds like a lovely person and he is showing some wonderful tolerant qualities in the face of this awful behaviour.
It would utterly break my heart if my parents were mean to my child in the way you describe.

Your first priority has to be your husband and child. Some distance and space is what you need right now - and thats ok.

They will always be your family. But it is ok for you to put some distance between you and them for a time while you process and manage your hurt and upset.

GumsAndTeeth · 27/10/2021 20:21

This broke my heart for your poor husband but especially child who doesn’t understand why she’s being treated differently and would grow up confused about her culture.

You’re doing the right thing OP.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/10/2021 20:25

I think you should focus on the impact on your daughter and base how you act on that.

To me they are abusive racists and I could not live with allowing them to harm my daughter. No contact is entirely justifiable. It sounds like your parents have always been controlling and you haven't yet managed to see the impact this had has throughout your life.

Gimlisaxe · 27/10/2021 20:25

I think if I was in this position, I am not sure I would cut contact completely, they would never see my child or my husband and if they started, I would walk away and go home.

But I will say, I think I am coming from this from the point of not experiencing this with my family

ToughLuckCharlie · 27/10/2021 20:26

Not a chance they’d see their grandchild with this behaviour.

I’m so sorry you and your family have had to deal with this shit. Enough is enough, though.

Notaroadrunner · 27/10/2021 20:26

While your Dh may be able to put up with their vile behaviour as he may have different cultural views about family, it's not just about him - it's about your dd. And she should never be put in a situation where racism is tolerated. I would never want to see them again and going NC is the only way you will protect your dd from such disgusting people.

mbosnz · 27/10/2021 20:28

And for her to be scolded for using one of her languages? Not good. Not good at all.

Lotusmonster · 27/10/2021 20:43

Honestly OP, I’d massively reduce contact and I’d tell them why. Having your heritage ridiculed or belittled is hugely damaging to any persons self-worth. This bigoted behaviour could really damage your beautiful daughter and cause resentment and anger in your DH. It’s just horrible. They are dinosaurs. Enough is enough. Break contact and tell them why. I’m so sorry this must really hurt you! 💐

Lotusmonster · 27/10/2021 20:48

I cannot comprehend your elderly parents being so stupid in their behaviour to risk loosing contact with their daughter and grandchild. How silly they are 😕

Unsure33 · 27/10/2021 20:51

I think I would be tempted to write them a letter and keep a copy to explain it is your DH who is encouraging you to keep contact but you are not willing to put up with their racist behaviour .

They sound like people who would twist the situation to suit themselves. But if you put it in black and white they won’t have any excuse to turn it round on you .

I would in your situation have very very low contact .

Lovelymincepies · 27/10/2021 20:51

They sound absolutely vile. I'd have no problem cutting them out of my life if they spoke like that about my partner and child.

Phineyj · 27/10/2021 20:53

I think you've given them a more than fair opportunity to change their behaviour (it was probably always unrealistic that they'd entirely change their views and attitudes).

Whatinthelord · 27/10/2021 20:55

I think you’re right to cut them out, mainly because of the potential harm they could cause your daughter by their comments about her father and “Asians”.

What do your friends and family advise you then? How are you supposed to mitigate against the harm of being treated worse than your white cousins or hearing your father\you be racially abused?

NatriumChloride · 27/10/2021 20:57

Oh OP. I’m so sorry. Your parents’ behaviour is abysmal and you’re absolutely right to go low contact with them. They sound very toxic, and hateful and bigoted. It would be toxic for your daughter to be exposed to their horrid views. Keep away.

Sandinmyknickers · 27/10/2021 22:36

Yanbu. Well done for protecting your daughter. She comes first. Such comments can really stick with a child from a young age.

Djifunrsn · 27/10/2021 22:40

Easier than actually cutting contact is to go very low contact.

donemeover · 27/10/2021 22:45

Your child is going to grow to be confused if they are around family members that are racist.

Protect your child and keep them away from them, YANBU

donemeover · 27/10/2021 22:45

@Djifunrsn

Easier than actually cutting contact is to go very low contact.

Agree

LobsterNapkin · 27/10/2021 22:47

THey are way over the top and I doubt if they will change.

I would minimize contact but not cut them off. I generally think that there are some obligations we have to family, even if they are awful. Though with parents who are still able to care for themselves, they can be fairly minimal if their behaviour warrants it. So I would be thinking about what those might include and look to meet those obligations without doing much more.

I would absolutely avoid your daughter and husband having to see them much, though your daughter might have different views as she gets older.

MaraScottie · 27/10/2021 22:53

@Unsure33

I think I would be tempted to write them a letter and keep a copy to explain it is your DH who is encouraging you to keep contact but you are not willing to put up with their racist behaviour .

They sound like people who would twist the situation to suit themselves. But if you put it in black and white they won’t have any excuse to turn it round on you .

I would in your situation have very very low contact .

I would do this. Put it clearly, in writing where nobody can gaslight or interrupt you. And cut contact.

You and your husband sound like lovely people and your family deserve better.

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