To completely cut ties with my parents over racism towards my husband and daughter

[ST90]

My husband is Japanese, he moved over here when he was 14. All my family are white. He is a really amazing guy, is a great dad, treats me really well and we get on so well. Our relationship is far more healthy than any previous relationship I was in. We've been together 6.5 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I am sure my parents would love him if he was white.
They have always been very rude to him, talk to him as if he doesn't speak English very well, frequently make a disgusting racist joke about asian people, always refer to him as being Chinese, still don't know how to say his name properly. They have accused me of only dating him because he was rich, which is completely untrue and our incomes are very similar. I've called them out on this repeatedly from the start but this hasn't helped, they just deny they are being racist and pretend that they are the victims.
When we first got together his parents where uneasy about him dating me and wanted him to be with an Asian girl but now I get on quite well with his family. I had hoped a similar thing would happen with my family and they'd eventually change their attitude towards him.
After a while I decided that if we were spending time with them and they made a racist comment we would immediately leave. This improved things somewhat initially.
I hoped things would get better when our daughter was born, however they have not. She looks Asian and they treat her much worst than my sister's children. We're raising her bilingual and she frequently says a Japanese word or phrase in her English, which is completely normal. My parents told her off for doing this and have spoken to me about how we're confusing her by raising her this way. They've also said bad things about Asian culture to her, which makes me so angry. Recently I've tried to see them less often and when I do try to see them alone. Obviously Covid has helped with this. My husband says that although he is hurt by them and doesn't like spending time with them, they are family and will always be. And that he loves me and they are a big part of my life and so he wants to keep making an effort. One time we got a babysitter for an evening and they found out about this and told me she should stay there and I should have asked them. I was honest and told them I didn't want her to spend time with them alone when they repeatedly said awful and not true things about Asian culture in front of her. They decided that he had pressured me into this and that this was a sign of abuse and sent me an article on how pressuring someone from spending time with family was a key sign of abuse. This is completely untrue and he has always encouraged me from continuing to make an effort with them.
Obviously I've spoken to them so many times about this and nothing gets through to them and I am so angry. I feel so awful that they are treating the 2 people I love the most so horribly. My sister agrees with me about their behaviour and has spoken to them too but this didn't work either.
Recently I saw them and they were criticising him and comparing him unfavourably to my sister's husband and some of my exes. They kept on mentioning how they now think he is stopping me spending time with them and how they thought this was abuse. Ridiculously they were comparing him unfavourably to an ex who was abusive. I got so angry with them and told them that I no longer wanted them to be in our lives and didn't want to see them anymore.
My husband thinks this is an over reaction as they will always be family. And my sister and a couple of my friends agree. I do feel awful at the thought of cutting them out of our life when they have made so many sacrifices for me and I have lots of happy memories with them. However I just can't keep watching them treat my husband and daughter like that and can't keep putting them in that situation and feel awful for having done that for so long. If anyone other than my parents were doing this I'd have cut ties ages ago. Do you think I am right to cut contact with them or is it an over-reaction?

That is not something I could forgive. Your poor poor husband and daughter.

I couldn't spend time with them - but If you must see them I would keep a very close eye and pull them up every. Single. Time. In front of people.

My children are also mixed race and neither my partner nor I would stand this for one second. It's very important you stand up for your child and partner. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I guess I would hope that cutting contact shows them the error of their ways and they change...... Your partner sounds like a keeper though.

Oh OP this hurts my heart to read
I’m also white British and married to a man of Asian descent. My DH was born in Thailand, but has lived here since he was a child. We also have DCs together who we are raising bilingual.
If I found myself in your position, I would absolutely cut my parents out - not just for the sake of myself and DH, but for the sake of my DCs. The things your parents are saying in front of and directly to your child are beyond damaging.
A lot of mixed race children already struggle with fitting their cultural identity into a specific “box” as they grow up, and your parents’ views and opinions are just going to perpetuate the idea that there is something “wrong” with your daughter’s asian half.
My parents welcomed my DH and his family with open arms, the same way the would if I’d brought home a white British man. The only question that ever arose regarding our relationship is “does he make you happy?”. A few other members of the extended family have made a few unsavoury comments over the years, but luckily those are people I don’t have to see or speak to more than a few times a year.
The whole “they’re still your family” bullshit simply doesn’t wash with me. Toxic is toxic, regardless of whether you share dna with them.
(Also with your dd slipping Japanese words/phrases into her speech when she’s speaking English, I promise you that gets better with age I spent the first couple of years of my middle child’s life translating for my parents because he would often start a sentence in English and finish it in Thai!!)

It would be ridiculous to continue the relationship with them!

Don’t argue with them, just stop communicating with them.

They don’t deserve your lovely husband, daughter or you!

Yanbu. You are doing the right thing and protecting your child from being racially abused by your parents. Your husband is old enough to make the decision to endure their comments. Your child is not and needs protecting. They sound absolutely vile

I am shocked, and pretty disgusted, that this hadn't been actioned before now.

Feel very sorry for your dh and dd.

There’s saying things that aren’t politically correct or even saying racist things behind your back but they are being intentionally racist and rude!

It’s so difficult cutting your family off and I’d usually say keep in touch for your DCs sake but no way would I keep in touch with them.

Most grandparents would be amazed at a bilingual child - not tell her off for it!

Even if your husband thinks this is an overreaction, as someone who is half asian I distinctly remember comments one of my grandparents made even as a very young child about me / siblings / my Asian parent. It sticks and you don’t forget it. If it were me I wish my white parent had stuck up for my Asian parent more (maybe they did the scenes I don’t know). They still make comments about anyone that isn’t white and even though they aren’t extremely racist remarks, the microagressions really does wear on a person. You have enough to deal with in terms of comments from classmates / teachers / friends / strangers nevermind your own family. I don’t think I realised how much it affected me or how much I suppressed until I was an adult. I sadly thought it was normal and acceptable, something I should get used to. I’d cut ties for the sake of my daughter, even if it’s just to give a bit of a breather as it really isn’t acceptable and I wouldn’t want to teach my daughter it was.

You sound lovely.

Your parents…not so much….

You are100% in the right to protect your child and stand up for your husband. That is not on.

I think you’re right to cut them off, at least for a while. You are teaching your daughter that racism is not acceptable.
Hopefully they will see sense and apologise for their disgusting behaviour. Unlikely but let’s hope so

You both have histories and culture that deserve to be appreciated, honoured, and enjoyed. (Okay, there's some fairly dodgy stuff on both sides, too, but that's not pertinent right here!)

You daughter should be allowed to enjoy, practice, and celebrate both aspects of her cultural heritage. Your husband should not have to deal with his being mocked, insulted, and derided.

I agree that his cultural lens is very much likely at play - to honour your parents, not rock the boat. . . but that doesn't make what he is being subjected to, you are being subjected to, or your daughter is being subjected to, at all okay.

@ST90 YANBU and you’ve had some excellent advice. I would definitely invest time and money in seeing a counselor about this to help you walk through your emotions and possible next steps.

You’re doing a good thing. This is how you inoculate your child from racism. Well done. 👏🏻👏🏼👏🏽👏🏾👏🏿

Parents do make sacrifices for their kids all the damn time. You don't own them anything for parenting you. You do owe your dd a pleasant atmosphere to live in, you owe it to her to raise her to be happy in herself and proud of her culture which is hard to do if you put your racist family before her. I wouldn't let them anywhere near my husband or child.

I can’t believe your husband is willing to slow his daughter to be racially abused in the name of “family”. Your daughter deserves better from him.

It’s easier for your husband because at 14, if he’s grown up in a country where he was the tunic minority, he doesn’t understand first how awful it can be as a child. He doesn’t need to understand. He needs to protect her.
She’ll face racism in parts of society. Her home/family should be a safe place.

I’m not even going to comment on your parents

It's bad enough that they were like this with him at the onset of your relationship but for them to have not grown or learned anything at all over an entire 6.5 years is beyond bad. I would expect to absolutely wipe the floor with my parents if they were ever to be racist towards any partner of mine and for it to then never happen again.

You are definitely doing the right thing. You should not need to constantly defend your choice of partner or his race/culture to your family. They sound like complete bigots, nothing is going to change that. If they have not changed by now they won’t. You need to protect your child, she should not grow up feeling less than. She is still young, as she gets older your parents behaviour will effect her more. Cutting contact while she is still young is definitely the better option. I have no contact with my mother, it’s the best thing I’ve done for my own and my children’s well being.

Hi op, nced to reply to you. I'm the dd in this situation, but it didn't help that my parents divorced later (for other reasons). I'd suggest first trying a different approach to cutting ties, that is for your DD and dh to spend a lot of time together with them, so they start seeing commonalities rather than differences. Your DH comes from a culture that puts family ties first even if those ties make your life very difficult. He'll understand and try his best. Your parents sound from the 50s, in their approach to bilingualism. Show them documentaries about how bilingual children are more likely to be ahead in various areas in school. If nothing works, don't take them seriously, even make a joke out of it. My grandparents did accept me and ended up loving me but not my parent. At some point they might start viewing your DD for who she is, rather than a "race". I am not upset at them and am glad they were in my life. Your DH sounds resilient. So really it is down to you to see how much upset this causes you but maybe try to get them to be close before severing ties.

Ps. Of course this all depends on how much racism is happening here and whether ger your DD is affected. Is there open mockery going on? Deragotary comments? Assumptions on character traits, ability, skills? If that's the case, and you see nothing changing, then cutting ties is the best option.

I would walk away and I definitely would not let them anywhere near my child. Some people are just dicks.

This is awful and so sad - how the hell can't they see what they're doing and what they stand to lose?! As your DH is really supportive, I'd go with a low communication. How that works is up to you really - you see them as a family but only occasionally or you ring them sometimes to chat or you contact them via email - something that works for you? I think you need to make it really really clear that the no or low communication is all your choice and your DH is actually encouraging the relationship and not hindering it at all and it is absolutely not a situation of abuse (although it sounds like you already have but do so in a very blunt text or email maybe so they have it in writing?).

The sound disgusting. I think you’re right to cut contact. Why should you, your dh and dd be subjected to their racist bullshit abuse?

@ohnana

Even if your husband thinks this is an overreaction, as someone who is half asian I distinctly remember comments one of my grandparents made even as a very young child about me / siblings / my Asian parent. It sticks and you don’t forget it. If it were me I wish my white parent had stuck up for my Asian parent more (maybe they did the scenes I don’t know). They still make comments about anyone that isn’t white and even though they aren’t extremely racist remarks, the microagressions really does wear on a person. You have enough to deal with in terms of comments from classmates / teachers / friends / strangers nevermind your own family. I don’t think I realised how much it affected me or how much I suppressed until I was an adult. I sadly thought it was normal and acceptable, something I should get used to. I’d cut ties for the sake of my daughter, even if it’s just to give a bit of a breather as it really isn’t acceptable and I wouldn’t want to teach my daughter it was.

@HikingforScenery

I can’t believe your husband is willing to slow his daughter to be racially abused in the name of “family”. Your daughter deserves better from him.

It’s easier for your husband because at 14, if he’s grown up in a country where he was the tunic minority, he doesn’t understand first how awful it can be as a child. He doesn’t need to understand. He needs to protect her.
She’ll face racism in parts of society. Her home/family should be a safe place.

I’m not even going to comment on your parents

*allow

You're first paragraph told me all I needed to know. Step away before they poison your child.