AIBU to think my friend changed the goalposts

[StepCatsmother]

A friend needed to go into hospital for a small procedure and asked if I would be able to collect her after it and drive her home. I said I would, so long as when she had the date, I didn't have other arrangements already - she knew I had a week's holiday in October, plus a weekend away.

I hear nothing about it for a while, then on 7/10, while I am on holiday, she sends a message saying the procedure is in 6 days and that 'I have to stay with her overnight or she will have to stay in hospital'. This is the first time an overnight stay was mentioned.

I tell her immediately that I don't know if it is possible as the date of her procedure is the date my car has been booked for a service - this wouldn't have mattered based on the original request to pick her up as my OH was happy for me to use his car for this. However, it doesn't allow for an overnight stay as with only one car between me and OH, one of us wouldn't have been able to get to work on time the next day and being on holiday, neither of us could request the next morning off.

I tell her I will try to change the service date for my car, but remind her that I'm on holiday and may not be able to get a reply from the garage straight away (I reality, I think this bit was my mistake, I should have just said it wasn't workable at this point).

The garage could not move my service and I let her know that I cannot stay overnight. I offer to collect her from the hospital if someone else is able to stay with her. At this point it's 4 days before the surgery.

Long story short, she has a massive rant at my via message and is no longer talking to me. She says I am selfish and have let her down.

I do feel bad that I wasn't able to help & understand why she feels a let down, but that her reaction is OTT. I feel that giving someone 6 days notice of the need for an overnight stay when they are on holiday & can't really sort the necessary things out isn't entirely fair and she should have seen that herself really.

It feels like it should be a storm in a teacup but it's been a couple of weeks now and she is still not talking to me.

Am I a selfish cow? Have I gone totally wrong here?

@Bluntness100

Why are you ignoring the fact she would have needed to stay with the woman until the 24h was up? So not only could she not get the car to her husband first thing in the morning, she would also need to take time off.
Or do we also think the husband should be inconvenienced by this, to him, random woman's op and walk over first thing to get the car to be able to get to work?

When did people become so incredibly demanding?

Ok to address some of the recent comments:

The car was drop in one day, collect the next - that's always how my garage does it - I've never had it back same day. It was one of the things I asked them when I was seeing what I could do, but they wouldn't agree.

On 'local' - she's about 12 miles away. I didn't want to get into all the logistics, but I live in a town, she lives in a smaller village outside the town. Her home is in the opposite direction from my house to both the hospital and the city where I work (which is 30+miles away from home, I get the train).

So the overnight stay without me having a car would have meant taking my work things to her house, getting up early enough to get a taxi back to my town and then getting the train to work.

In hindsight, there were things that made it more do-able and I've acknowledged in earlier posts that with more time to think about it there were other ways to have sorted this out - but they didn't occur to me at the time as I was on holiday and trying to sort it the way I thought best when the request changed at the last minute.

Part of the problem is that my friend didn't make any other suggestion at the time either - it was simply 'you must do this' - if she'd made some of the suggestions that are being raised here, that might have helped!

Thank you ChargingBuck for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post - there is a lot in there I need to think about.

To be honest, I hadn't given much thought to whether I was comfortable staying the night or not, the lateness of the request in relation to the surgery date meant I just tried to fix it so that it could happen.

I know some posters don't think I did enough but some of the things being suggested here just didn't occur to me at the time, and I do feel bad for that.

Did she ever even mention to you it's actually 24h though, and not just an overnight stay? At least that's what I have had and family as well.

Did she ever even mention to you it's actually 24h though, and not just an overnight stay? At least that's what I have had and family as well.

No, but based on how things have panned out, I'm beginning to think she was planning to land that on me when I picked her up!

Shes doing you a favour by not speaking to you, she sounds like a right CF. I'd be glad she was out of my life.

It's a pleasure OP, & thank you for a gracious acknowledgement.
Hope it didn't come over as too 'instructional' but I was concerned that you could get sucked back into a very unhealthy dynamic when your 'friend' resurfaces.

Which she will do, when she runs out of other favour providers, & needs the next one from you ...

You might find this "oldie but goodie" book interesting -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

She is a relatively new friend and she needed you to do a huge favour because she has no one else to ask?

Well, you just found out why she has no one else to ask. Because she is unreasonable.

@Saoirse82

Shes doing you a favour by not speaking to you, she sounds like a right CF. I'd be glad she was out of my life.

At last! - & how ironic it's the only favour 'friend' has ever done OP ...

Sometimes life gets in the way.

My husband's long standing friend is in poor physical and mental health. Recently, the friend asked if my husband could pick him up following a biopsy. My husband agreed, then I heard he needed to have a GA. I told my husband he would have to stay with us or my husband with him.

Unfortunately in thethe few days leading up to this I fell of my bike and fractured my shoulder and while I felt bad, this wasn't really practical. Our flat is not bbug and I needed a lot of help with personal care, not possible really with a 3rd party present. We were ready to tell him he would have to stay in and my husband collect him next day. Fortunately (for us, anyway, not for him) it was more serious than originally thought and he had to stay in 2 nights.

Because of the friends poor health, he is socially isolated and the only other person is his dad who as well as being elderly and frail has a difficult relationship.

We can't always do what is agreed. Things get in the way.

In her eyes you chose a car car service over helping her with a scary medical procedure. I can see why she is mad. I would have skipped the service. But then I’m rubbish at getting my car serviced.

@StepCatsmother

Did she ever even mention to you it's actually 24h though, and not just an overnight stay? At least that's what I have had and family as well.

No, but based on how things have panned out, I'm beginning to think she was planning to land that on me when I picked her up!

Quite likely. You really are well rid, OP.

She sounds very demanding. I wonder did her boyfriend get the same abuse? I suspect not.

In one of your posts, you mentioned she's lonely. People who speak to people like she does often are. It's not a reason to feel sorry for it. It's typically due to the fact others saw her true colours before you did.

Completely different but given the level of Covid19 transmission in hospitals at the moment, it's even selfish of her to ask. She had alternative solutions, reschedule until she had provisions in place, accept your compromise of driving her home the following day.

I'm off the view that most things can be forgiven and people do/say/act stupidly at times but if they can't cool off and apologise then you are better off without them.

I would have skipped the service

I've explained above why I couldn't.

But I appreciate now why she might see it like that.

I think it's HIGHLY unlikely she only got 6 days notice for a surgical procedure on the nhs!

I also doubt she didn't know from early on that she needed overnight supervision afterwards.

It may be anxiety about the procedure, I suspect it's that she's far too used to her saying "jump" and you saying "how high?"

Reset this friendship with some boundaries or let it go altogether

She can be very direct about what she expects

Yes not surprised at the update

How often does she do YOU or indeed anyone else a favour? What's her attitude when you ask?

Think I can guess!

confirmed with so little notice. so she says! Waiting lists are very long at the moment for most procedures so I'm not buying that one. This type often claim stuff came up "at short notice" then you find out they simply didn't bother to plan!

My sister is of this type, everything ends up a panic/rush cos she ignored the first letter she got telling her when x would be happening

Most garages provide a loaner car for very cheap when a car is being serviced, why didn’t you get one? And even if the garage you use didn’t have one, then why couldn’t you get a taxi and ride with her and then have your DH pick you up or take another taxi? I’m sure she would have split costs with you.

Why on EARTH should op be out of pocket to do this friend a favour?

I am sad she appears to want to throw away an entire friendship over it where I have done a lot for her at other times.

In all likelihood it was less of a friendship as far as she was concerned/behaved and more of a useful arrangement

Again this is typical of my sister she makes friends depending on what they can do for her more than anything else and moves on as soon as their usefulness is clearly no longer the case (eg if they had a staff discount and then move to a non retail role, if they go back to work now their dc are school age and are therefore no longer available to provide last minute free childcare for her endless "emergencies") or when she notices them getting wise to how she works

Your friend sounds of this type - learn and move on op - her not talking to you? Her loss!

Honestly, grown ass people behaving like little princesses.

Yep!

Happening more and more I'm noticing

she finds her very 'transactional'
Aka she's a user! Put diplomatically!

She has the measure of her I reckon

so like she will do things for me but likes to ensure things are 'even',

Point scorer!

Yea that's not a real friendship

Ultimately I'd like to find a way to remain friends

Genuine question why?

Because she has other very good qualities that you value and make you feel supported in the friendship...or because if the friendship ends you'll worry that you "failed" in some way?

just beware of her reeling you back in just for her own convenience.

Yep!

That's when she'll get in touch, when she needs another favour!

Your update at 1732 - so she's no great shakes as a friend and you say you've not needed to rely on her yet you've done a number of favours for her...

She's a cheeky fucker! Be glad she's moved on honestly

@ChargingBucks posts are spot on

I'm beginning to think she was planning to land that on me when I picked her up!

Of course she was! When she had you cornered

You say she was a relatively new friend when lockdown started so overall you've not been friends for all that long. By ignoring you she's showing you that she's done with the friendship and tbh she sounds like hard work so you've had a lucky escape. You were happy to go along with your original offer of collecting her. She expected you to stay the night, and has been very unreasonable since you told her that bit was not possible. Personally I wouldn't bother with her again.

I know some posters don't think I did enough but some of the things being suggested here just didn't occur to me at the time, and I do feel bad for that.

You really shouldn't feel bad, you were willing to do what you'd agreed to, she was unreasonable to ask a much bigger favour when it sounds like it really would have inconvenienced you. She can view it how she likes but that doesn't mean her view is reasonable to most sensible people.

I have had two NHS surgeries and I never got more than 14 days notice.

I don't be,Ive she had so little notice. I think she was hoping that by springing it on you at the last moment, you wouldn't say no.

Every time I have had minor surgery I have had good notice about aftercare.

I'm very surprised at plans experience too. I was fairly sure she didn't live in the U.K.

I once went for a minor procedure where I was told I could go to work the next day. But after the procedure I was told they didn't know why I was told that because I needed four days off.
But seriously - an over night stay in hospital is not the end of the world. I would leave her be.

@LocoCoconanas

Devils advocate - you don’t get much notice with surgery and she probably didn’t get told about the overnight until her pre op. So it’s not really her fault.

But she could stay in the hospital for the night so no big drama that Op couldn't stay over.

It's not as if she had to cancel her surgery!

I agree with Graphista, OP.

You were happy to collect as originally agreed, but yes, the goalposts were indeed changed when the overnight stay was dropped on you at short notice. Your friend should have accepted you couldn't help with the additional request, especially as you were away when you found out.

You were happy to honour the original agreement of fetching her from hospital and dropping her off at home so YANBU.

If people are having an operation do they not enquire/research about the recovery process?

Whilst I'd be happy to stay with a family member or good friend (I'd never stay at anyone's house I didn't know really well), providing I had plenty of notice as I can't just take time off work whenever I like likr most people, I would never demand someone stays with me overnight. I don't know anyone who would. Especially if they weren't that much of a friend and especially when I could stay in hospital with medical professionals in case of any issues following the surgery.

I'm surprised at the apparent short notice the hospital gave (I also suspect she was banking on you dropping everything for her and then springing the 24hr care on you). I arrange many (it'll be well into the hundreds at this point) medical appointments including operations for the people I care for and I've never had such short notice for an operation especially one requiring an over night stay.

OP you did nothing wrong. I had surgery earlier this year, was told the same that I needed someone with me for 48 hours post surgery or I needed to stay in hospital. My partner doesn't drive (yet, started lessons again recently) so I had to get a friend to pick me up. If I hadn't have had DP at home, I would have stayed in hospital. Asking for a lift home is one thing, but asking a friend, who has their own family/jobs/shit to do to drop everything to care for me post surgery wouldn't have crossed my mind. It's selfish when you can stay in hospital IMO!

And the friend I asked to give me a lift has been my best friend for 16 years! I still would have stayed in hospital. I also have no other support network/family anywhere near me so I get the feeling of being isolated but she is so in the wrong to kick off the way she did! It's not your fault she has no family nearby.