AIBU to think my friend changed the goalposts

[StepCatsmother]

A friend needed to go into hospital for a small procedure and asked if I would be able to collect her after it and drive her home. I said I would, so long as when she had the date, I didn't have other arrangements already - she knew I had a week's holiday in October, plus a weekend away.

I hear nothing about it for a while, then on 7/10, while I am on holiday, she sends a message saying the procedure is in 6 days and that 'I have to stay with her overnight or she will have to stay in hospital'. This is the first time an overnight stay was mentioned.

I tell her immediately that I don't know if it is possible as the date of her procedure is the date my car has been booked for a service - this wouldn't have mattered based on the original request to pick her up as my OH was happy for me to use his car for this. However, it doesn't allow for an overnight stay as with only one car between me and OH, one of us wouldn't have been able to get to work on time the next day and being on holiday, neither of us could request the next morning off.

I tell her I will try to change the service date for my car, but remind her that I'm on holiday and may not be able to get a reply from the garage straight away (I reality, I think this bit was my mistake, I should have just said it wasn't workable at this point).

The garage could not move my service and I let her know that I cannot stay overnight. I offer to collect her from the hospital if someone else is able to stay with her. At this point it's 4 days before the surgery.

Long story short, she has a massive rant at my via message and is no longer talking to me. She says I am selfish and have let her down.

I do feel bad that I wasn't able to help & understand why she feels a let down, but that her reaction is OTT. I feel that giving someone 6 days notice of the need for an overnight stay when they are on holiday & can't really sort the necessary things out isn't entirely fair and she should have seen that herself really.

It feels like it should be a storm in a teacup but it's been a couple of weeks now and she is still not talking to me.

Am I a selfish cow? Have I gone totally wrong here?

I only voted YABU because I have had invasive surgery and was not told all the requirements until m\y presurgery appointment which was two days before my actually surgery. It was only at that point that I found out not only did I need a lift home, but I needed someone to help me from bed to bathroom for 48hrs afterwards....so two overnight stays. Luckily I had a DH and it was no problem, but if I had been single and depending on a friend, I would have felt similar to your friend.

But why would any of that be the friend's fault, @PlanDeRaccordement? It justifies being cross with the hospital, but surely not the friend who is already putting herself out to help?

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@yeahitsabadidea
We can disagree. But I still think it’s a poor “friend” who decides to renege on a promise of post surgery help only 4 days before because her car is in the garage. OP should have just said no from the start instead of saying yes and then pulling out at the 11th hour for a piss poor excuse.[/quote]
But she made it clear that she could only help so long as she didn't have other conflicting arrangements already. And, as it turned out, she did. So she didn't renege on anything.

I think you’ve seen her true colours. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be rushing to get back in touch.

@PlanDeRaccordement Actually the opposite, when it comes to agreeing to help a friend post surgery, if you agree to collect them you should then logically make allowance for any complications or extras which commonly are needed post surgery,...like an overnight

Absolutely mental. If you're having an operation it is YOUR responsibility to make arrangements for all variables. The friend asked OP for a lift home, OP agreed to this and was happy to fulfil that promise. The friend asked something else at the last minute and OP couldn't fulfil the new request. The OP didn't renege on anything as she never agreed to stay over with her friend in the first place.

OP, you've done nothing wrong. And if she thinks you've let her down then clearly everyone else in her life has let her down because no one else stayed over with her either! She sounds like a spoiled brat! I'd leave her to stew and would be having a think about whether I even want to make amends with her after she inevitably comes to her senses.

I’m happy to hear you have apologised. I don’t know what her surgery was for, but mine carried with it a risk of dying while under general anaesthesia and long recovery if I survived it. So, if her surgery was anything similar to mine, I am afraid her stress was worlds beyond your stress of juggling a holiday and car service. I would be rethinking my friendship with you in her shoes if left to cope alone/find another friend to help with only 4 days notice.

Day case surgery with the possibility of staying over if there was no-one to look after the patient at home doesn't sound in the least comparable, @PlanDeRaccordement

"Ultimately I'd like to find a way to remain friends, for her to accept I did what I could and my apology that I could not do what she needed this time, and then we draw a line under it. I'd like her to realise she shouldn't have been quite so rude to me, but that might be optimistic!"

Don't hold your breath Op!

It's all done & dusted now & she hasn't reflected & apologised.

If you are determined to remain friends-I'm tempted to ask why, just beware of her reeling you back in just for her own convenience.

As soon as you mentioned the car service I'm sure that most people would have stopped right there & said that they would stay in hospital & could you collect the next day.

Of course back tracking, how many people would tell you that you had to stay rather than asking if it was possible & no worries if not as they would just have a night in the hospital.

She's so entitled!

@StepCatsmother

I am on the fence. I think she is being a bit unreasonable, and I don't see why she needs you to stay overnight, BUT the car service excuse sounds lame. There's no way you cannot change that. It's only a car service.

Your friend is being unreasonable & a big baby.

Why can't they just stay in the hospital one night?

Sounds like she is creating a drama & wanting special treatment + attention for what is a routine, low risk procedure.

It's not like she'd just had laser eye surgery & was blind, needed help getting home.

Stay overnight, get a taxi home - solved.

I would let her have her silent treatment spell & would be wary to offer assistance again in future.

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@StepCatsmother

I am on the fence. I think she is being a bit unreasonable, and I don't see why she needs you to stay overnight, BUT the car service excuse sounds lame. There's no way you cannot change that. It's only a car service.[/quote]
Are you the "friend"?

So you think that Op is a liar or that only certain "excuses" are acceptable??!!

@PlanDeRaccordement

By your logic no one would ever offer help just in case unforeseeable changes happened

Actually the opposite, when it comes to agreeing to help a friend post surgery, if you agree to collect them you should then logically make allowance for any complications or extras which commonly are needed post surgery,...like an overnight stay.

No, there really is no logic in that. Take it to the real logical conclusion, you should cancel all engagements for the following month in case of major complications. If there is a possibility of extra care being needed, then it is up to the patient or his/her family to arrange it, they can't just assume that the person who has already put themselves out will rearrange their lives for them at a moment's notice.

If this had been a friend of long-standing or a relative, then I would have stayed and cancelled the garage.

But this is a newish friend and most probably OP doesn’t want to stay at her house. A lift would have been fine, but the favour morphing into looking after someone… awkward.

Perhaps the friend had given the OP the cold shoulder as she could see the OP had defined her boundaries as far as this friendship is concerned. In which case it’s a fair result on both sides.

Also if the car needs a service isn't it tempting fate to need to rely on it to transport someone from hospital?

Could the friend not have offered to get a hire car so OP could drive her?

Depending on your mechanic & type of car then you might be waiting awhile to rebook the service, if they are popular I imagine.

Just seen that you only met her before lockdown?? What! She's not even an established, old friend. That is even worse, that she is kicking off about this.

Oh OP, when people show you who they are, don't ignore it. You hardly know her, a year of stilted lockdown friendship doesn't show you someone's true personality. And people who are transactional friends always pick someone they KNOW they won't need to stay even with i.e someone less needy/emotionally demanding/people pleasing. So the only one who would ever be put out is you.

This is too new a friend to be making such demands and then kicking off so rudely.

I was told this when I had a minor op a few years ago - but not told until I was actually at the hospital.
Friend called in after work, we got a cab back to mine and she saw me in and whizzed off to do whatever she had planned - how does the hospital know what happens after you've left?

It seems that you are desperate to remain friends with her-& she knows it!

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@StepCatsmother

I am on the fence. I think she is being a bit unreasonable, and I don't see why she needs you to stay overnight, BUT the car service excuse sounds lame. There's no way you cannot change that. It's only a car service.[/quote]
Well, I don't know how old OPs car is, but if it's still within warranty, the car does need servicing before so many miles/months or you can lose the remainder of your warranty.

OK missed the part where OP has only known this chick since Covid

I would write this one off, can't be dealing with other people's verbal abuse & emotionally needy behaviour.

People are dying of Covid & she is too precious to spend 1 night in hospital?

"Nice knowing you then, off you pop"

There's no way you cannot change that. It's only a car service.

Well yes, but the next available date the garage had was after the expiry date for my MOT, so didn't work for me. I needed the service done ahead of the planned weekend away (mentioned in my OP) as I was driving long-distance and wanted to be sure the car was roadworthy, so yes there was some leeway to move it (and I tried) but not a right lot.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Have you misunderstood?

The friend changed the ask so that OP needed to stay overnight with her, at her house - not that the friend had to say in hospital overnight.

OP - there are many people that I would be happy to pick up from hospital. Not many that I would then stay the night in their home. You are not being unreasonable.

There's people on MN that could argue in an empty room to a concrete wall just to be contrary,@StepCatsmother! The patient who was to have surgery under general anesthesia would've been informed very early in scheduling process about needing a person with them for 24 hours or a possible overnight stay in hospital even in covid times. She's out of order

I don’t think you did anything wrong, and I would have been annoyed by having to piss around doing car admin on holiday. But I suspect that this whole episode has made your friend realise that she has very little in the way of support around her, and that has shaken her. It’s not your fault or your responsibility, but it must have been quite an unpleasant realisation for her, and I’d guess that’s why she’s being so unreasonable.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@todaysdilemma
It’s just common sense imho that an overnight stay is a common circumstance that might crop up with post-surgery. I don’t think you’d need to educate an adult on this when you ask for them to get you post surgery at the hospital. It’s no different from asking a friend to collect you at an airport. You don’t have to educate an adult on how the plane might be delayed, or immigration lines could be 3hrs long, or their baggage might get lost....the adult agreeing to pick you up takes on the risk and understanding that it might not be as easy as rolling up in your car 1hr after the arrival time on their plane ticket and picking them up[/quote]
This is getting into the realms of fantasy. No, it isn't common sense, and it is no way comparable to picking up someone from an airport. Lots of people have little or no experience of surgery - for instance, the first time in his life that my father had other than minor hospital treatment was when he was in his 70s. Whereas most people have some experience of the problems of travel, and the only complication really is that you might have to hang around waiting if you're meeting someone off a plane or train - not that you're going to have to stay at theirs overnight and take the considerable responsibility of looking after them when they're post-surgery and post-General Anaesthetic.

And why does looking after the patient overnight automatically become the responsibility of the driver rather than the hospital or other family or friends? Why is it the driver's responsibility to arrange it rather than the patient's?

I too am a little sceptical that your friend only found out about this overnight. When I had to have a day case hospital procedure recently, I received a long letter with detailed instructions around a month beforehand.

YANBU. She sounds quite difficult and you haven't known her long, so I'd step back from this relationship.

Op, you are definitely not unreasonable and your friend sounds like an entitled drama queen

So many threads lately full of such entitled and using individuals!