Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend changed the goalposts

154 replies

StepCatsmother · 26/10/2021 14:00

A friend needed to go into hospital for a small procedure and asked if I would be able to collect her after it and drive her home. I said I would, so long as when she had the date, I didn't have other arrangements already - she knew I had a week's holiday in October, plus a weekend away.

I hear nothing about it for a while, then on 7/10, while I am on holiday, she sends a message saying the procedure is in 6 days and that 'I have to stay with her overnight or she will have to stay in hospital'. This is the first time an overnight stay was mentioned.

I tell her immediately that I don't know if it is possible as the date of her procedure is the date my car has been booked for a service - this wouldn't have mattered based on the original request to pick her up as my OH was happy for me to use his car for this. However, it doesn't allow for an overnight stay as with only one car between me and OH, one of us wouldn't have been able to get to work on time the next day and being on holiday, neither of us could request the next morning off.

I tell her I will try to change the service date for my car, but remind her that I'm on holiday and may not be able to get a reply from the garage straight away (I reality, I think this bit was my mistake, I should have just said it wasn't workable at this point).

The garage could not move my service and I let her know that I cannot stay overnight. I offer to collect her from the hospital if someone else is able to stay with her. At this point it's 4 days before the surgery.

Long story short, she has a massive rant at my via message and is no longer talking to me. She says I am selfish and have let her down.

I do feel bad that I wasn't able to help & understand why she feels a let down, but that her reaction is OTT. I feel that giving someone 6 days notice of the need for an overnight stay when they are on holiday & can't really sort the necessary things out isn't entirely fair and she should have seen that herself really.

It feels like it should be a storm in a teacup but it's been a couple of weeks now and she is still not talking to me.

Am I a selfish cow? Have I gone totally wrong here?

OP posts:
yeahitsabadidea · 26/10/2021 14:47

@Hankunamatata

But your putting you car service over your friend. The garage cant postpone the service for next month?

Er. She tried and they couldn't.

She also said she couldn't do the overnight stay but could still pick her up the next day - as she promised.

Iheartbaby · 26/10/2021 14:48

If this was me, I would never expect my friend to stay over night to help me, I would rather just stay in hospital.

SylvanasWindrunner · 26/10/2021 14:49

OP said she couldn't move her service (which I well believe - our local garage has a long wait to book a service as they're so busy at the moment). And OP isn't putting anything over anyone. She agreed to do something, she was going to do it with no problems, and then at the 11th hour her friend dropped the not insignificant news that it wasn't just a lift she required but someone to stay overnight with her.

OP was still willing and able to do the original agreed job but wasn't able to do the additional one, which is absolutely fair enough! You can't just keep heaping on other favours when someone agrees to do one with the expectation the person will be able to do them Confused

HunterHearstHelmsley · 26/10/2021 14:53

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@yeahitsabadidea
We can disagree. But I still think it’s a poor “friend” who decides to renege on a promise of post surgery help only 4 days before because her car is in the garage. OP should have just said no from the start instead of saying yes and then pulling out at the 11th hour for a piss poor excuse.[/quote]
She didn't renege on any promise. The request changed. OP couldn't agree to the new request. No excuse, piss poor or otherwise, was required.

FreedomFaith · 26/10/2021 14:54

She should stay in hospital overnight and you pick her up the next day. Easiest solution.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 26/10/2021 14:57

@sbhydrogen

She can spend the bloody night in hospital! It's not like she's going to be out on the streets.

She's been ridiculous.

This. Honestly, grown ass people behaving like little princesses.
Original poster
StepCatsmother · 26/10/2021 15:01

She should stay in hospital overnight and you pick her up the next day. Easiest solution.

I offered this, I could have picked her up after work but she declined and got a different person to do that.

This thread is helping me see why she feels put out but also that it's OK that I feel a bit put in an awkward situation too.

I know she is lonely with a lot of her family abroad and think she sometimes asserts herself like this because she wants to be sure of who she can rely on. So I do feel awful that I couldn't help her as she wanted, whether reasonably or unreasonably.

I will find a way to try and bridge the silence but I want to do it in a way that doesn't mean she thinks stropping at me was the right way to deal with this.

OP posts:
Wimpeyspread · 26/10/2021 15:02

@FreedomFaith

She should stay in hospital overnight and you pick her up the next day. Easiest solution.
This was probably not an option - there are not usually beds available for day surgery, and they would have cancelled her
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/10/2021 15:03

You offered one thing and she's decided you are to do something more than you offered.
You are not in the wrong here.

diddl · 26/10/2021 15:07

Bloody hell Op I can't see that you did anything wrong at all & I'm sure plenty of people wouldn't even have tried to change the date of the car service & it would have been a straight "no can do".

I think that PlanDeRaccordement has a very skewed view on this!

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 26/10/2021 15:08

@Wimpeyspread

I have to stay with her overnight or she will have to stay in hospital

Sounds like it was an option.

FinallyHere · 26/10/2021 15:11

not told all the requirements until my presurgery appointment which was two days before my actually surgery

Patients may not be explicitly told until two days before the procedure, but the 'rules' will not change. There is no need to wait to the last minute to be told, it is entirely possible to make enquiries and find out the circumstances under which you would be discharged.

If someone is doing you the favour of collection from hospital, I would be inclined to make sure the arrangements were rock solid in advance, to make sure that my arrangements were good.

It would take someone pretty selfish to leave details like an overnight stay to the last minute.

And being lonely is no reason to put extra demands in friends or take your frustration out on the people trying to help. That way madness lies.

longtompot · 26/10/2021 15:11

As far as I know all procedures that require a general anaesthetic require you to have someone with you for 24 hours afterwards. It sounds like her worry about it made her overreact, but she really should have just stayed in hospital for that one night.

Sparkletastic · 26/10/2021 15:12

I'd be quietly letting that friendship go if I were you.

1FootInTheRave · 26/10/2021 15:14

She's demanding and hard work.

I would be blocking the cheeky cow tbh.

Wimpeyspread · 26/10/2021 15:16

[quote JesusIsAnyNameFree]@Wimpeyspread

I have to stay with her overnight or she will have to stay in hospital

Sounds like it was an option.[/quote]
Fair enough - I have seen surgery cancelled for this reason though when beds have been scarce, as it’s not a medical need

TheQueenOfTheNight · 26/10/2021 15:16

She's already ignored your last message. If you get in touch again, ask yourself why you're doing this? If you have any people pleasing tendencies then maybe it's unbearable for you to think you've done the wrong thing (you haven't). Unless you're very careful here you could end up in a very imbalanced situation.
What does your husband and other friends think of her?

SirensofTitan · 26/10/2021 15:19

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@yeahitsabadidea
We can disagree. But I still think it’s a poor “friend” who decides to renege on a promise of post surgery help only 4 days before because her car is in the garage. OP should have just said no from the start instead of saying yes and then pulling out at the 11th hour for a piss poor excuse.[/quote]
Why would she say no at first when it was possible to do what was needed. By your logic no one would ever offer help just in case unforeseeable changes happened. That makes no sense, how would any one ever help anyone else?

todaysdilemma · 26/10/2021 15:23

Very confused as to why she wouldn't just stay in hospital for ONE night?? Or immediately look for an alternative friend the minute you told her you may not be able to get your service booked..

For reference, I too live without any family in this continent and alone and once when I did have surgery was more than happy to stay in hospital (better for me anyway to be with easy access to medical treatment) and had a friend pick me up the next day. If she hadn't been able to, I had others I could call and would never have held it against anyone. Because I don't think anyone owes me favours and appreciate any help I get. Too many people treat friendship as a replacement for a parent or a partner and expect the same level of sacrifice and compromise. If your friend is making life decisions and financial decisions and health decisions consulting and accomodating your needs like a partner or parent might, then they can expect the same level of support.

You cannot make up for her family not being here, and she is adult enough to understand you weren't being malicious or mean. Life happens, you tried your best, you made your boundaries clear and you are not responsible for her as if she were a small child. I think you did all the right things and please don't be guilt tripped into feeling bad and overcompensating.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/10/2021 15:25

@FinallyHere
There is no need to wait to the last minute to be told, it is entirely possible to make enquiries and find out the circumstances under which you would be discharged.

In my case, I was told by the receptionist that all would be explained at my presurgery appointment. Who did not know the requirements herself to tell me and rightly didn’t want to waste time having the consultant call me back when I already had an appointment with them for it!

It would take someone pretty selfish to leave details like an overnight stay to the last minute.

But the friend didn’t do this? She let OP know the second she found out?

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/10/2021 15:28

By your logic no one would ever offer help just in case unforeseeable changes happened

Actually the opposite, when it comes to agreeing to help a friend post surgery, if you agree to collect them you should then logically make allowance for any complications or extras which commonly are needed post surgery,...like an overnight stay.

todaysdilemma · 26/10/2021 15:32

@PlanDeRaccordement

By your logic no one would ever offer help just in case unforeseeable changes happened

Actually the opposite, when it comes to agreeing to help a friend post surgery, if you agree to collect them you should then logically make allowance for any complications or extras which commonly are needed post surgery,...like an overnight stay.

But by this logic, the friend should have made allowances for an overnight stay due to possible complications and told OP this was a possibility the first time around? Who has a better idea of the complications/risks/change in plans expected - the person in direct contact with the doctors and who has all risks explained to her, or a friend who isn't?
SylvanasWindrunner · 26/10/2021 15:46

I would absolutely not assume that merely picking someone up from hospital could involve an overnight stay with them or would have various other conditions attached to it, and I would certainly never make allowances for that without being actually told by the person involved.

OP was asked to pick her friend up and take her home, and she agreed to pick her up and take her home. Friend then much later asked (or rather told, as it sounds) OP to stay overnight. OP can't stay overnight but she can still pick up and take home as originally arranged.

How anyone can find that unreasonable in any way is absolutely baffling to me! When someone agrees to one favour, they are not obligated to then agree to any other favour you later pile on top. Saying yes to one thing doesn't mean you say yes to other things too Confused

ChargingBuck · 26/10/2021 15:49

Am I a selfish cow? Have I gone totally wrong here?

No, & no.
Your friend however ... is a selfish cow who has got it totally wrong.

It feels like it should be a storm in a teacup but it's been a couple of weeks now and she is still not talking to me.

I was prepared to give her some benefit of doubt, as she might have been anxious etc about her op.
But this is ridiculous.
Looking back over the friendship, was she always there for you when you needed her?
Or, in light of this demanding & unreasonable behaviour, was it more of a one-way street, where she was your friend so long as you proved useful & knew your place?

BungleandGeorge · 26/10/2021 15:50

You shouldn’t feel bad you were available to do as originally asked at short notice even though it was more inconvenient without your own car! She should have just stayed in hospital and got you to collect her the next day. Asking a new friend to take the responsibility of medical care overnight is a big ask. She’s being extremely petty to ignore you and totally unreasonable to feel annoyed about the situation. Is the friendship usually like that? She doesn’t sound like a very good friend if it is

Swipe left for the next trending thread