AIBU to think my friend changed the goalposts

[StepCatsmother]

A friend needed to go into hospital for a small procedure and asked if I would be able to collect her after it and drive her home. I said I would, so long as when she had the date, I didn't have other arrangements already - she knew I had a week's holiday in October, plus a weekend away.

I hear nothing about it for a while, then on 7/10, while I am on holiday, she sends a message saying the procedure is in 6 days and that 'I have to stay with her overnight or she will have to stay in hospital'. This is the first time an overnight stay was mentioned.

I tell her immediately that I don't know if it is possible as the date of her procedure is the date my car has been booked for a service - this wouldn't have mattered based on the original request to pick her up as my OH was happy for me to use his car for this. However, it doesn't allow for an overnight stay as with only one car between me and OH, one of us wouldn't have been able to get to work on time the next day and being on holiday, neither of us could request the next morning off.

I tell her I will try to change the service date for my car, but remind her that I'm on holiday and may not be able to get a reply from the garage straight away (I reality, I think this bit was my mistake, I should have just said it wasn't workable at this point).

The garage could not move my service and I let her know that I cannot stay overnight. I offer to collect her from the hospital if someone else is able to stay with her. At this point it's 4 days before the surgery.

Long story short, she has a massive rant at my via message and is no longer talking to me. She says I am selfish and have let her down.

I do feel bad that I wasn't able to help & understand why she feels a let down, but that her reaction is OTT. I feel that giving someone 6 days notice of the need for an overnight stay when they are on holiday & can't really sort the necessary things out isn't entirely fair and she should have seen that herself really.

It feels like it should be a storm in a teacup but it's been a couple of weeks now and she is still not talking to me.

Am I a selfish cow? Have I gone totally wrong here?

@PlanDeRaccordement

I only voted YABU because I have had invasive surgery and was not told all the requirements until my presurgery appointment which was two days before my actually surgery. It was only at that point that I found out not only did I need a lift home, but I needed someone to help me from bed to bathroom for 48hrs afterwards....so two overnight stays. Luckily I had a DH and it was no problem, but if I had been single and depending on a friend, I would have felt similar to your friend.

I don’t think she personally moved the goal posts, it is more likely the hospital did not tell her about the overnight stay from a carer until the 6 day mark when she then told you.

I also think it very odd that you used you car being serviced as an excuse to back out of your commitment. Most garages provide a loaner car for very cheap when a car is being serviced, why didn’t you get one? And even if the garage you use didn’t have one, then why couldn’t you get a taxi and ride with her and then have your DH pick you up or take another taxi? I’m sure she would have split costs with you.

To me, you seem like you said yes, but didn’t really mean it and took first excuse you could and left your friend hanging.

Even if the friend didn't find out until shortly before that she'd need someone to stay with her that's not OP's fault. The original deal was to pick her up not to stay overnight. The friend was out of order to insist OP would have to stay with her. Of course she had every right to ask but not yo expect then go off on one when OP couldn't commit. OP still said she could pick her up from hossy - she didn't back out of that part.

@todaysdilemma
It’s just common sense imho that an overnight stay is a common circumstance that might crop up with post-surgery. I don’t think you’d need to educate an adult on this when you ask for them to get you post surgery at the hospital. It’s no different from asking a friend to collect you at an airport. You don’t have to educate an adult on how the plane might be delayed, or immigration lines could be 3hrs long, or their baggage might get lost....the adult agreeing to pick you up takes on the risk and understanding that it might not be as easy as rolling up in your car 1hr after the arrival time on their plane ticket and picking them up

The daft thing is that it wasn't Op staying for the night or nothing-hospital was an option!

I'm sure a lot of us would rather be home (including Op!) but it wasn't as if no one to stay would lead to the Op being cancelled!

What a drama over nothing.

It was kind of you to offer to help and not really your fault that you couldn't help in the end as she changed what she needed from you at the last minute and you originally agreed based on the information she gave you at the beginning. Quite honestly I think she's being a jerk, if you ask for help you expect either a yes or no, the fact that she's pissed that you said no meant she was never anticipating that you couldn't help her and was just assuming you're there at her beck and call. Very uncool to ignore you over it.

I have never let her down before so I'm surprised at the stance she has taken over this.

Ah, now I see.
Sorry OP - catching up with your updates now.

btw - you didn't let her down - you were clear & direct all the way through. She did change the goalposts though.
But the very first time she thinks you 'let her down', she drops you. Nice.

I'd let it lie now OP, be sad for the friendship you thought you had, & relieved that you've now found out she's not the friend you hoped she was, but a user you used to know.

"It’s just common sense imho that an overnight stay is a common circumstance that might crop up with post-surgery. I don’t think you’d need to educate an adult on this when you ask for them to get you post surgery at the hospital."

@PlanDeRaccordement

By your logic no one would ever offer help just in case unforeseeable changes happened

Actually the opposite, when it comes to agreeing to help a friend post surgery, if you agree to collect them you should then logically make allowance for any complications or extras which commonly are needed post surgery,...like an overnight stay.

An overnight stay for the patient, not the driver. The latter is definitely not something a driver should have to anticipate

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@todaysdilemma
It’s just common sense imho that an overnight stay is a common circumstance that might crop up with post-surgery. I don’t think you’d need to educate an adult on this when you ask for them to get you post surgery at the hospital. It’s no different from asking a friend to collect you at an airport. You don’t have to educate an adult on how the plane might be delayed, or immigration lines could be 3hrs long, or their baggage might get lost....the adult agreeing to pick you up takes on the risk and understanding that it might not be as easy as rolling up in your car 1hr after the arrival time on their plane ticket and picking them up[/quote]

I think you are too close to the subject to be objective.

I've had operations. Day patient and overnights. It wouldn't have occurred to me it would involve an overnight stay. Otherwise I would expect the friend to say so.

And clearly the friend didn't think that either as she didn't mention it when first asking for the favour.

Asking someone to stay overnight in hospital is very different to asking for a lift home. You must see this or theres bugger all hope.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@todaysdilemma
It’s just common sense imho that an overnight stay is a common circumstance that might crop up with post-surgery. I don’t think you’d need to educate an adult on this when you ask for them to get you post surgery at the hospital. It’s no different from asking a friend to collect you at an airport. You don’t have to educate an adult on how the plane might be delayed, or immigration lines could be 3hrs long, or their baggage might get lost....the adult agreeing to pick you up takes on the risk and understanding that it might not be as easy as rolling up in your car 1hr after the arrival time on their plane ticket and picking them up[/quote]
Does it occur to you a lot of people have never had surgery and certainly do not assume that all complications require an overnight stay in SOMEONE'S HOUSE rather than a hospital.

If you're asking for a favour, why would you not just give the person all the information including what additional complications it requires?? And why would you assume anyone will take the time off, rearrange their lives and schedules, inconvenience partners/kids on the off chance you might need an overnight stay, that you can't even take 5 mins to bother communicating. It's the most selfish thing I've ever heard off. People offering a favour are doing it within their own boundaries and limits - no one has the right to expect they bend over backwards to then accommodate past the point of comfort when it was never even discussed.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@yeahitsabadidea
We can disagree. But I still think it’s a poor “friend” who decides to renege on a promise of post surgery help only 4 days before because her car is in the garage. OP should have just said no from the start instead of saying yes and then pulling out at the 11th hour for a piss poor excuse.[/quote]
I think a poor friend is someone that asks for one thing and then gets shitty because their friend can't do a completely different thing.

If I was her, when I found out I would need you to stay overnight, I would have told the hospital that I didn’t have anyone (as she clearly didn’t have anyone else) and stayed the night in hospital. Then stuck to the original kind offer from you to give her a lift from the hospital.

Telling you that you needed to stay overnight was slightly cheeky, ranting about it and calling you selfish was downright rude, and ignoring your texts is completely petty.

I’d let the “friendship” die as she clearly only wants contact with you when she can get something

PlanDeRaccordement are you OP's 'friend' by any chance?

@PlanDeRaccordement
How on earth would op assume that because she was going to pick up her friend from hospital, that she may then be expected to stay overnight with her friend?
I feel you've either misunderstood or have had something similar happen to you and it feels personal

@todaysdilemma

That's a good point as well, about time off. Were you expected to take time off then to care for her? Presumably so, as you wouldn't be "allowed" to leave her on her own for 24h after her op.

That's pretty unreasonable on its own. I have my own life and family, and every single day off is precious. Both mine and my husbands jobs are horrific most of the time and our time off is just that, time off. Not for us to be carers for others.

Thankfully, you can get emergency care in circumstances like these, but of course you will need to pay for that.

@Wimpeyspread - did you miss the part in the OP's post where she said the following:
I hear nothing about it for a while, then on 7/10, while I am on holiday, she sends a message saying the procedure is in 6 days and that 'I have to stay with her overnight or she will have to stay in hospital'. This is the first time an overnight stay was mentioned.

The friend could have stayed overnight in hospital, requiring no rejigging of car servicing or anything else by the OP.

Wow OP she’s waking all over you. The rant is unacceptable. Don’t know why so many people are siding with her.
Even if you’re anxious etc about surgery that’s no excuse to rant at people.
I understand how hard it can be to make friends as an adult but honestly no friend is better than an ungrateful user

@TheQueenOfTheNight

She's already ignored your last message. If you get in touch again, ask yourself why you're doing this? If you have any people pleasing tendencies then maybe it's unbearable for you to think you've done the wrong thing (you haven't). Unless you're very careful here you could end up in a very imbalanced situation. What does your husband and other friends think of her?

@StepCatsmother - I would be thinking long and hard before making any sort of communication (my earlier post was more for guidance and not to be sent in the heat of the moment). @TheQueenOfTheNight has made a good observation here.

Not unreasonable at all. As for the suggestion of the taxi, that is ridiculous, I don't know how far your local hospital is but that would have cost a fortune where I live! The friend had the option of staying in the hospital over night (which she did do) and could have still been dropped there and collected the next day by the OP. Sounds like the OP offered everything she reasonably could have in the situation. If I was her friend I would have been very grateful for what she was offering and probably wouldn't have even asked her to stay the night as I wouldn't have wanted to put her out, especially when the hospital was an option.

OP, if it is a friendship you want to keep I'd probably text her saying something along the lines of, "I hope you are feeling better, I'm sorry if you felt left down but I did everything I could to try and accommodate you. Can we move past this?" that way you're not saying sorry for not doing it, just sorry for how she felt about it. I also wouldn't be offering her much help in future.

The original agreement didn't include an overnight stay. Therefore the goalposts were moved. Not OPs fault. She could fulfil her obligations as per the original agreement.

She is obvs being unreasonable. On balance how does the give and take of your relationship work? Does she expect a lot and never return the help? Do you ask for help? If it's a one way street I think you're better off out of it.

I would move forward with a get well card expressing sadness and best wishes
Make it all about her and how she must be feeling with a teeny bit of your explanation
Sorry haven’t read whole tread so don’t know why you couldn’t stay over ??and I personally would have cancelled the service as it’s not an MOT or urgent repair and could have waited

But having said that her reaction is way OTT and she owes you an apology too
Time to evaluate if you value this friendship

i wouldnt even bother trying to repair it , you offered to do what she asked and then she added another thing onto it which you tried to do ,but couldnt , its only one bloody night in hospital ,i really dont see what the big deal is with that . if she has kids she just has to ask someone to have them for the night , if she hasnt its not big deal , id forget about it and let her go

It’s just common sense imho that an overnight stay is a common circumstance that might crop up with post-surgery. I don’t think you’d need to educate an adult on this when you ask for them to get you post surgery at the hospital

It's very different. For one thing, would the OP have necessarily known whether her "friend" was having a GA?

If someone said to me, can you pick me up after an operation and take me home I would take it at face value. Maybe not now. Maybe now I would say "have you checked if you need someone with you overnight". But I think if you are doing someone a favour, the onus is on them to do the research.

Anyway the friend could have just said to the hospital that she did have someone with her overnight. They don't check. I bet lots of people who live alone have to ignore that "rule".

I'm grateful for all responses :)

Even if 9/10 people think I've not done much wrong, the sad fact of the situation is my friend is one of the 1/10 who thinks I have, so if this situation is fixable, it's good for me to hear things that help me understand her point of view - I already see a few things I hadn't before, like she may have thought I knew about the anaesthetic/overnight stay risk etc.

If you have any people pleasing tendencies....What does your husband and other friends think of her?

I certainly don't like to upset people and probably struggle a bit to differentiate when it's reasonable upset or someone being a bit much. My husband doesn't know her very well, as like I say we only met just before lockdown and because of the restrictions, me and her mostly went for walks. One of my other friends is a bit skeptical of her, she finds her very 'transactional', so like she will do things for me but likes to ensure things are 'even', but they are both very different people.

Ultimately I'd like to find a way to remain friends, for her to accept I did what I could and my apology that I could not do what she needed this time, and then we draw a line under it. I'd like her to realise she shouldn't have been quite so rude to me, but that might be optimistic!

So when you offer someone a lift home from the hospital you are a bad friend if you don't realise that a lift home means a lift home and stay with them overnight
Ok then. 🙄