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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

483 replies

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 08:10

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

OP posts:
pictish · 26/10/2021 14:12

What is YOUR behaviour please?

dottiedodah · 26/10/2021 14:17

If she says anything to you about it ,then just say you have broken up with him .If she asks anything else ,keep it short "just didnt work out" or some such thing . If she is the type to gossip then I dobt anyone will listen to her anyway.

Noavocado · 26/10/2021 14:19

Sorry it was meant to say that YOUR behaviour is odd. As in it takes the spotlight of his behaviour.

AuntMargo · 26/10/2021 14:19

Get rid, he sounds a complete and utter prick, a total dick head!.

Mulhollandmagoo · 26/10/2021 14:20

'yes, I'm absolutely fine! He was exhibiting some bullying/controlling/inappropriate behaviour so I ended the relationship, turns out I was completely right to do so! Apologies you've been dragged into this. Hope you're doing well and all is good with your DD also, take care'

What a utter idiot he is, and as others said don't give him the reaction he so desperately wants from you! Ignore him and let him make a twat of himself

knittingaddict · 26/10/2021 14:21

I recognise that kind of behaviour (particuarly the way he has handled this breakup) and I would see all of this as red flags for domestic abuse. I think you've got out fairly early on and that's great news.

LanisHouseLot · 26/10/2021 14:22

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you got dragged in like that. I'm totally fine but thank you for checking. In the the nicest possible way, I'd take whatever he's said with a pinch of salt - I'm not sure how well he took the break-up..."

pictish · 26/10/2021 14:23

Ah I see. Thanks. I wondered if it was an acronym…doh.

pictish · 26/10/2021 14:25

Yes absolutely ignore him and the fact that he did this. Acknowledging it will only encourage him to respond..and before you know it, back in contact.
IGNORE.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/10/2021 14:27

@SweetMaryHell

I’m fuming and so embarrassed. I’ve just had a text from a woman I know from when DD was at primary school (school gate mum friend). She asked if I was ok as he has only gone around to her house and “poured his heart out” to her saying I’d dumped him and he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!! He’s told her all sorts of personal business (and I’m a very private person), he only knows her as we popped around to pick something up once. We’re not close friends and she loves gossip so would have welcomed him in with a “tell me everything” approach. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say to her.
Tell her you're absolutely fine and that he clearly doesn't like being dumped
Cerebelle · 26/10/2021 14:29

@SylvanasWindrunner

Oh bloody hell! That's bonkers!

I think I'd just say something 'Sorry, I've got no idea why he's bothering you. I'm absolutely fine, thank you for checking. I don't want to see or speak to him again and the relationship is over, so please don't feel bound to let him in if he appears again.'

That's actually quite sinister though. It doesn't sound like he's going to go quietly (and thus confirming you were right to ditch him).

Very good response. If she pushes, you can just say you no longer wish to see someone who demonstrates such poor behaviour and do not wish to discuss it any further. Very light on detail is best.
Bananalanacake · 26/10/2021 14:30

Thank god you don't live with him, much easier to dispose of

Owlink · 26/10/2021 14:31

I was at a band's rehearsal once which an acquaintance was filming. He started filming me and I knew it was because I have a big nose. I could see the camera zooming in. He was so unsubtle. It was about 25 years ago & it still hurts. The bloke is cruel. Him going round to your friend's house is pathetic but it also shows how manipulative he tries to be. Respond to her that you're fine, you finished it for good reasons then block & ignore this total arsehole.

roundtable · 26/10/2021 14:32

Well done for getting rid op.

I'd be tempted to tell her -

He had a strange obsession with another man's penis to the point he was taking photos of it and criticised everyone appearances negatively, including mine. Sounds like what he is telling you confirms why I dumped him. Thanks for checking up on me though.

Then ignore - gossips will gossip. You are well shot of him and hopefully he's put to rest any niggling doubts you night have had.

pictish · 26/10/2021 14:36

My nutso dad did something very similar actually. After my mum told him she wanted to split owing to his alcoholism, volatile anger and mental health issues, he went round to visit her friend to tell her was worried my mum was losing her mind.

He wrote letters to the same effect to another couple of her friends too.

My dad was later diagnosed with a personality disorder.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 26/10/2021 14:37

Woah, more red flags than a Communist rally. And all topped off with "She's acting out of character" trope, which translates as "I'm going to make you think that @SweetMaryHell is mad so that a) you sympathise with me (and I'm going to want a new victim so I'm seeing if you'll do) and b) you disregard anything SweetMaryHell might say about my shitty behaviour".

'yes, I'm absolutely fine! He was exhibiting some bullying/controlling/inappropriate behaviour so I ended the relationship, turns out I was completely right to do so! Apologies you've been dragged into this. Hope you're doing well and all is good with your DD also, take care'

I'd absolutely reply with that.

pictish · 26/10/2021 14:38

Oh and no…don’t tell the woman anything other than the bare bones. You didn’t send him round there and quite frankly, it’s none of her business.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 26/10/2021 14:40

My nutso dad did something very similar actually. After my mum told him she wanted to split owing to his alcoholism, volatile anger and mental health issues, he went round to visit her friend to tell her was worried my mum was losing her mind.

Blimey, I'm now remembering a friend whose wife (who was also a friend) told him she wanted a divorce. He came to see me, terribly upset, and said she was acting out of character, maybe she needed to go back on anti-depressants or maybe she was menopausal. I remember thinking to myself "Or maybe she's just had enough" but I'm seeing that conversation in a completely different light now Hmm

thisplaceisweird · 26/10/2021 14:49

yes, I'm absolutely fine! He was exhibiting some bullying/controlling/inappropriate behaviour so I ended the relationship, turns out I was completely right to do so! Apologies you've been dragged into this. Hope you're doing well and all is good with your DD also, take care

Yup this is the message! What a loser he is

ChargingBuck · 26/10/2021 14:50

How - HOW - are you still with this dolt?

What has he done to you to have you still wondering if you ought to dump him, instead of fucking dumping him already?
Is it this? -

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about.

Is he often a crass twat who tells you what you're allowed to think & feel when you object to his crassness?

Sparklfairy · 26/10/2021 14:50

@BrightYellowDaffodil

My nutso dad did something very similar actually. After my mum told him she wanted to split owing to his alcoholism, volatile anger and mental health issues, he went round to visit her friend to tell her was worried my mum was losing her mind.

Blimey, I'm now remembering a friend whose wife (who was also a friend) told him she wanted a divorce. He came to see me, terribly upset, and said she was acting out of character, maybe she needed to go back on anti-depressants or maybe she was menopausal. I remember thinking to myself "Or maybe she's just had enough" but I'm seeing that conversation in a completely different light now Hmm

Do you think these men know what they're doing when they come out with this shit? Or do you think they're genuinely flabbergasted that anyone could dump them, and the only explanation is that the ex partner simply must be mad?
MargotMoon · 26/10/2021 14:53

@ChargingBuck

How - HOW - are you still with this dolt?

What has he done to you to have you still wondering if you ought to dump him, instead of fucking dumping him already?
Is it this? -

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about.

Is he often a crass twat who tells you what you're allowed to think & feel when you object to his crassness?

@ChargingBuck RTFT

Nomorefuckstogive · 26/10/2021 14:53

You’re well rid. Put him out of your mind. If the mum mentions him, say his behaviour is odd and change the subject.

Sparklfairy · 26/10/2021 14:57

I've changed my mind. I'd reply to the mum with "and this is exactly the kind of irrational behaviour that made me dump him. Sorry he bothered you."

DeireadhFomhair · 26/10/2021 14:58

@SweetMaryHell

I’m fuming and so embarrassed. I’ve just had a text from a woman I know from when DD was at primary school (school gate mum friend). She asked if I was ok as he has only gone around to her house and “poured his heart out” to her saying I’d dumped him and he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!! He’s told her all sorts of personal business (and I’m a very private person), he only knows her as we popped around to pick something up once. We’re not close friends and she loves gossip so would have welcomed him in with a “tell me everything” approach. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say to her.
Shocking behaviour Shock You are so well rid of him now, horrible little man!!

As for nosy "friend", I'd tell her it's all lies and you broke up with him because of his lies.