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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

483 replies

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 08:10

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 26/10/2021 15:00

Be grateful you've seen this side of him 7 months in and not 7 years and married with kids.

What an immature bully prick. Stop thinking about ending it - just do it. Thanks

itsgettingwierd · 26/10/2021 15:01

@SweetMaryHell

I’m fuming and so embarrassed. I’ve just had a text from a woman I know from when DD was at primary school (school gate mum friend). She asked if I was ok as he has only gone around to her house and “poured his heart out” to her saying I’d dumped him and he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!! He’s told her all sorts of personal business (and I’m a very private person), he only knows her as we popped around to pick something up once. We’re not close friends and she loves gossip so would have welcomed him in with a “tell me everything” approach. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say to her.
Well done for getting out.

This is terrible and worrying from him.

Sorry I hadn't seen this update before I posted before. I'm at a hospital apt and service is dire!

ChargingBuck · 26/10/2021 15:02

He loved to lay into people’s looks and it was difficult to hold a conversation with him if there was any kind of reflective surface around because he was so distracted by his own reflection.

Grin Grin Grin
@Supertree I know it's not funny & congrats on dumping TaxiSickBoy, but oh your phrasing is hilarious!

Was he related to The Cat out of Red Dwarf?

PussGirl · 26/10/2021 15:05

What a nasty weirdo he is - well done for dumping him!

atee · 26/10/2021 15:12

@MrsColon

Re: the bouncer, some of them wear a cup to protect them in case someone gets violent and tries to knee them in the crotch.
Yeah that would be my assumption if someone pointed out a doormans crotch, well one assumption... I would be making a few about the person who felt the need to point out another mans crotch and then mock it!

OP's partner is a bully. She should dump him, and it looks like it's heading that way!

GenderAtheist · 26/10/2021 15:13

Do you think these men know what they're doing when they come out with this shit? Or do you think they're genuinely flabbergasted that anyone could dump them, and the only explanation is that the ex partner simply must be mad?

Yes they know what they are doing. You can tell by the person they chose to confide it. Ask yourself - who would you go to if you thought your partner was mentally ill? Their GP perhaps. Their best friend or close relative ? Someone who could help them.

This man chose to go to a very gullible virtual stranger who is known for being a gossip. How would telling her help the OP ?

No exactly , it wont. It will hurt her as this woman will spread it around.

It will hurt her because this woman now knows personal information that the OP has only told her intimate partner.

It will hurt the OP because shes a very private person and soon it will be public knowledge.

This is about revenge - not concern.

FetchezLaVache · 26/10/2021 15:16

@Sparklfairy

I've changed my mind. I'd reply to the mum with "and this is exactly the kind of irrational behaviour that made me dump him. Sorry he bothered you."
I'd go with this one!

I'd also be warning everyone else that he knows how to contact, 'cos he's clearly on the lookout for Flying Monkeys to recruit.

cantthinkofanything1 · 26/10/2021 15:17

What a very odd man! You were right to get rid. Just ignore the woman she's obviously just being nosey!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 26/10/2021 15:19

Do you think these men know what they're doing when they come out with this shit? Or do you think they're genuinely flabbergasted that anyone could dump them, and the only explanation is that the ex partner simply must be mad?

If I'm being charitable, I'd say he was struggling to cope with the idea that his marriage had ended and was trying to make sense of it, and was unable to accept the breakdown of the relationship/the part he'd perhaps played in it (I know the relationship had been 'iffy' at various points). But it's a recurrent theme from men - my ex did the same when he told me that he'd assumed I wasn't agreeing with him (I didn't want children) was because there was something wrong with me.

So if I'm not being charitable, I'd say it's just plain ol' male entitlement and the accompanying tantrum when they are told, once and for all, that they aren't getting their way.

fromdownwest · 26/10/2021 15:19

If anyone questions - tell them you dumped him because he was taking picutures of a mans crotch all night, then watching videos of that crotch whilst laying in bed!

Sparkletastic · 26/10/2021 15:19

Well done for dumping him. I'd give a very curt response to 'friend' along lines of 'Well I certainly dodged a bullet there'

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 26/10/2021 15:20

Nasty man and latent homosexual.

myheartskippedabeat · 26/10/2021 15:22

He sounds vile why are you with him???

Eralos · 26/10/2021 15:24

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Just don’t reply to the school mum. Keep an eye on his behaviour this isn’t a normal reaction.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 26/10/2021 15:27

He’s a weirdo and you’re well rid. Thank goodness you didn’t ignore the Chinese state circus number of red flags and end up years deep with financial entanglement and kids.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 26/10/2021 15:29

I have relatives who behave like this and its incredibly embarrassing when out in public with them. It rarely stops there though and once they're comfortable with you, you also become the butt of their jokes. It's really immature and it would definitely put me off.

ChargingBuck · 26/10/2021 15:34

he has only gone around to her house and “poured his heart out” to her saying I’d dumped him and he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!! He’s told her all sorts of personal business

Well that escalated fast.

Well done for the dump OP :)

I thought he'd initially respond with some minimising bullshit, move on to question your intelligence, then ramp up to personal insults when you didn't fall back into line.

But he's gone the express route to full Flying Monkeys -
narcissistabusesupport.com/red-flags/use-flying-monkeys/

We’re not close friends and she loves gossip so would have welcomed him in with a “tell me everything” approach. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say to her.

"I'm so sorry you had to deal with my Ex. He thinks I'm acting out of character because he doesn't want to accept I've dumped him. I couldn't go out with him anymore once I'd realised what a weird little bully he is - he gets off on slagging other people off & I don't like that."

Unless she's a bit thick, that should give her a blanket warning that you are not up for slagging - ie gossip. If she is too thick to see it - simply don't respond to any ... feelers she puts out about your personal business. You don't have to engage with her, she's just a random woman, not a close friend.

And block your ex.
You don't need him to agree with your decision, you just need him to fuck off quietly now.

Alcemeg · 26/10/2021 15:35

He sounds like an absolute nutter, OP. And to be honest I'm not sure a straight man would be so fascinated by what's down another man's pants.

ChargingBuck · 26/10/2021 15:36

@ImUninsultable

I think I'd be saying, "I'm fine. I've broken up with him because I've found a lot of his behaviour to be a problem. Him going around to yours to get at me and spread rumours is just another example. I really am fine. He is just unhappy that I dont want to be with him."
Wow, this is perfect!
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 26/10/2021 15:44

As @ImUninsultable said, really good response, tells her nothing yet blames and proves the issue right at his feet

As tempting as it might be to text him and give him an earful about what he's done, try not to. He's done it to get a reaction out of her and to try to engage you

tigger1001 · 26/10/2021 15:46

@Sparklfairy

I've changed my mind. I'd reply to the mum with "and this is exactly the kind of irrational behaviour that made me dump him. Sorry he bothered you."
This is just a perfect response! I'd go with that
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 26/10/2021 15:50

He sounds about 14 !

Still1nLove · 26/10/2021 15:53

Oh no, he’s an idiot

Gilly12345 · 26/10/2021 16:05

You deserve better than this plonker.

AuntMasha · 26/10/2021 16:06

Wow. What a reject this jerkoff is.