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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

483 replies

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 08:10

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

OP posts:
Cantstopthewaves · 26/10/2021 13:34

@BumBurnerBum

How do you put up with him, he sounds about 9. People will judge you by his behaviour if he is saying things loud enough for them to hear.
Yes, they'll definitely see you as being just like him if you choose to be with him.
Fallagain · 26/10/2021 13:40

@SweetMaryHell

I’ve text him saying it’s not working out, I don’t like the way he comments on other people’s appearances and am getting sick of him commenting on my clothes also. He’s not replied yet.
Then its over. Good for you. Neither of you need to reply and communicate any further.
1forAll74 · 26/10/2021 13:46

How old is this guy of yours, he sounds unhinged. Even taking photo's of someone unknown, and putting them on FB is very bad, I am surprised that the bouncer didn't whack him one.. Glad you are going to dump him. !

SylvanasWindrunner · 26/10/2021 13:46

What a horrid bully of a man (although I bet he'd have shit himself if the bouncer had heard and approached him - that's always the way!). He just sounds unpleasant.

SylvanasWindrunner · 26/10/2021 13:47

Glad you have got rid, OP! Without knowing you, I can almost definitely say you deserve much better!

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 13:47

I’m fuming and so embarrassed. I’ve just had a text from a woman I know from when DD was at primary school (school gate mum friend). She asked if I was ok as he has only gone around to her house and “poured his heart out” to her saying I’d dumped him and he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!! He’s told her all sorts of personal business (and I’m a very private person), he only knows her as we popped around to pick something up once. We’re not close friends and she loves gossip so would have welcomed him in with a “tell me everything” approach. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say to her.

OP posts:
AnyName1 · 26/10/2021 13:52

At least you know you were right to ditch him.

SylvanasWindrunner · 26/10/2021 13:54

Oh bloody hell! That's bonkers!

I think I'd just say something 'Sorry, I've got no idea why he's bothering you. I'm absolutely fine, thank you for checking. I don't want to see or speak to him again and the relationship is over, so please don't feel bound to let him in if he appears again.'

That's actually quite sinister though. It doesn't sound like he's going to go quietly (and thus confirming you were right to ditch him).

Merryoldgoat · 26/10/2021 13:54

Christ what a complete tosser.

Therealjudgejudy · 26/10/2021 13:58

Just wow at his behaviour. What a grade A loser

FilledSoda · 26/10/2021 13:59

What an absolute dickhead .
Is he going to embarrass you into getting back with him ?
Not that bright is he?

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 26/10/2021 14:00

He's nasty and horrible. I often find people like this are in fact very boring, dull people and don't really have much to offer in the way of interesting/intelligent conversation, so resort to this to fill up their conversational content.

Sparklfairy · 26/10/2021 14:01

Wow your latest update is awful. I'd feeling exactly the same! Just send a non committal text back to her as she's a gossip, "everything is fine, it just didn't work out" and ignore anything else.

Although I'd have to sit on my hands as I'd be so furious, do NOT text him and give him both barrels. Thats what he wants.

pictish · 26/10/2021 14:01

Oh good grief, really??

Oooh gosh run away, he’s a loon. Tell the woman the truth, you’ve ditched him because it’s not working out…and that you certainly didn’t expect him to turn up at her house. Ouch.

dottiedodah · 26/10/2021 14:02

Is he 8 or something? Seriously this is really weird behaviour from a grown man! There is nothing funny about any of this .He sounds shallow and immature .Dump ASAP!

TeaStory · 26/10/2021 14:02

he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!!

Straight out of the abuser’s playbook. Hold your head high, don’t engage. It’s him, not you.

YouJustFoldItIn · 26/10/2021 14:02

He sounds incredibly childish, insensitive and annoying.

Time to say goodbye I think.

pictish · 26/10/2021 14:02

@SylvanasWindrunner

Oh bloody hell! That's bonkers!

I think I'd just say something 'Sorry, I've got no idea why he's bothering you. I'm absolutely fine, thank you for checking. I don't want to see or speak to him again and the relationship is over, so please don't feel bound to let him in if he appears again.'

That's actually quite sinister though. It doesn't sound like he's going to go quietly (and thus confirming you were right to ditch him).

Or this…it’s a really good response.
FilledSoda · 26/10/2021 14:02

If that's not a one off I wouldn't hesitate in going to the police . It could tip into harassment type behaviour quite easily and he's clearly an asshole so 🤷‍♀️

ImUninsultable · 26/10/2021 14:03

I think I'd be saying, "I'm fine. I've broken up with him because I've found a lot of his behaviour to be a problem. Him going around to yours to get at me and spread rumours is just another example. I really am fine. He is just unhappy that I dont want to be with him."

OhPatti · 26/10/2021 14:07

You're well rid OP. He sounds like an utter bellend.

Noavocado · 26/10/2021 14:07

This is very manipulative behaviour on his part @SweetMerryHell. He is not worried about you at all. He is planting a seed in the head of an acquaintance of yours that YOUR. Classic diversion technique.It takes the fault away from him.

Tread carefully. It would be best to completely ignore... I guarantee this will spiral.

Noavocado · 26/10/2021 14:08

Sorry typed your username wrong @SweetMaryHellConfused

Noavocado · 26/10/2021 14:10

That YOUR behaviour is odd.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/10/2021 14:11

@SweetMaryHell

I’m fuming and so embarrassed. I’ve just had a text from a woman I know from when DD was at primary school (school gate mum friend). She asked if I was ok as he has only gone around to her house and “poured his heart out” to her saying I’d dumped him and he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!! He’s told her all sorts of personal business (and I’m a very private person), he only knows her as we popped around to pick something up once. We’re not close friends and she loves gossip so would have welcomed him in with a “tell me everything” approach. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say to her.
Ugh.

I'd text back with 'That's really creepy and must have been uncomfortable for you. Are you OK?'

'I'm fine, he's really worried about you'

'Few too many red flags to carry on seeing him. And now he's stalking people I know, some more to add to the list, really. Thanks for the warning. Anyhow, that [thing I picked up] has been really useful/thank you for that....[take it off into something more interesting like how her DC is doing]'