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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

483 replies

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 08:10

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/10/2021 12:10

I think you've done the right thing.
Be prepared for a lot of really vile replies.

SleepingBunnies21 · 26/10/2021 12:12

You'll probably just be abused for it bit you could point out that the bouncer was probably wearing a joxk strap to avoid damage from kicks etc and thst he has no right to be in possession of photos of his crotch with his awareness or permission, he needs to delete them.

Does he have any into.ate photos etc of you?

DeireadhFomhair · 26/10/2021 12:13

@SweetMaryHell

I’ve text him saying it’s not working out, I don’t like the way he comments on other people’s appearances and am getting sick of him commenting on my clothes also. He’s not replied yet.
Good job OP! And good that you've told him exactly why.
Liverbird77 · 26/10/2021 12:15

You sound lovely, he sounds like an utter, utter dick!

HadEnough798 · 26/10/2021 12:17

Good on you for saying something and ending it!

He sounds incredibly unattractive and mean and like he wouldn't be supportive of you when you needed it. You sound like a good, nice, kind person who will find someone better :)

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 26/10/2021 12:24

No way. Horrible behaviour.

Also - sooner or later he'll do this to the wrong person and you could end up getting dragged into a row or worse.

Bin.

billy1966 · 26/10/2021 12:28

Well done OP.

He sounds like a very strange, insecure man, obsessing about a another man's penis and negging you.

Ick.

Noavocado · 26/10/2021 12:28

Well done OP. He has shown his character and I'm sure this would have continued to happen.

You sound lovely. Congratulate yourself on having the strength of character to walk away.
Treat yourself to something lovely tonight. Flowers

Joystir59 · 26/10/2021 12:29

Gay. My ex h used to obsess about men we'd pass in the street who'd given him the eye

Jux · 26/10/2021 12:31

Well done. Don't go back on it. What on earth could yyou possibly want with an adult who behaves like a primary school kid for a partner?

Jux · 26/10/2021 12:31

NASTY primary school kid, that should be.

Cactus1982 · 26/10/2021 12:32

I bet that bouncer would have flattened him if he’d heard him say that stuff. It’s a shame he didn’t.

bluebeck · 26/10/2021 12:38

I think you did the right thing, he sounds awful.

FrenchieFromGrease · 26/10/2021 12:38

Well done for dumping him, he sounds absolutely vile. I hate this trend of taking pictures of random people going about their daily lives and posting on social media to mock them. It sickens me.

A previous poster was right, if he was taking pictures of an unsuspecting woman's chest or crotch in a nightclub he would be seen as a sexual harasser; this is no different. He clearly has massive insecurity and no social skills. Please don't let him wheedle his way back in.

FlippinFedUp21 · 26/10/2021 12:38

Well done for dumping him. You've definitely made the right decision. He sounds absolutely awful. Can you just block him from your phone? I don't think I'd want to hear from him again tbh.

Username817391920384747 · 26/10/2021 12:42

He sounds so unbelievably childish …. How old is he ?

notapizzaeater · 26/10/2021 12:45

He's a bully, good for you for dumping him.

Sally872 · 26/10/2021 12:49

Good for you. Much better off without him.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/10/2021 12:51

@SweetMaryHell

I’ve text him saying it’s not working out, I don’t like the way he comments on other people’s appearances and am getting sick of him commenting on my clothes also. He’s not replied yet.
Good for you
RampantIvy · 26/10/2021 12:54

Well done. It's a good call that you told him why. Hopefully he will reflect on his behaviour. Although I very much doubt it.

McOrange · 26/10/2021 12:55

Good for you op

FilledSoda · 26/10/2021 12:55

@Joystir59

Gay. My ex h used to obsess about men we'd pass in the street who'd given him the eye
That was my first thought too
minimecantrollerskate · 26/10/2021 12:59

Well done OP.

I was going to say that he sounds extremely ignorant as in thick and not aware of other peoples feelings or normal social behaviour. I have known people like it in the past and it is embarrassing to be out with them

Enwi · 26/10/2021 13:07

Oh that’s awful. I had a friend once with a DH like this and it was awful, and similarly he was just as oblivious as your DP seemed to the fact that his wife, me and my DP weren’t at all impressed with his nasty and snide remarks. I think it’s obviously a sign of insecurity (and probably lack of social awareness too), but regardless it would be a total dealbreaker for me, especially combined with the other instances you mentioned.

LittleDandelionClock · 26/10/2021 13:31

No brainer @SweetMaryHell Dump this asshole.