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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

483 replies

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 08:10

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

OP posts:
SleepingBunnies21 · 26/10/2021 10:54

@liveforsummer

I think the fact the bouncer had what I assume is a crotch bulge made him feel inferior so to boost his fragile ego he needed to ridicule him. Pathetic man! And your pot hairdresser. Not a nice character. Glad you've seen this now
It's very possible that the guy was wearing a jock strap type thing, as suggested by poster uptrend- the fact that a man would spend so much time nothing, looking at, commenting on, ridiculing, and then photographing a bouncer's crotch without this occurring to him as a possibility (from watching sports etc, which most men do some of) or even just common sense (odd bulge, he's in a potentially violent job with dirty, drunk fighting) .... instead he's repeatedly saying:he's got a sock down there haha" etc,; actually makes him look as dumb as fuck on top of everything else.

Men would in general be bigger watchers of sports and combat sports so you'd think it would occur to them before many women.

Palladin · 26/10/2021 10:54

I'd say YABU for not dumping him the first time he showed you what a vile, cruel creature he is.

TheGirlCat · 26/10/2021 10:56

Be careful though, he sounds like the type of malicious bastard that would post revenge porn, so I sincerely hope he doesn't have any nudes of you.

SleepingBunnies21 · 26/10/2021 10:56

But yeah, the fixation (on top of the comments zboyt his own genitals, also sound like major, actually creepy, fixation abd insecurity about his dick size etc.

SleepingBunnies21 · 26/10/2021 10:58

The photo taking of another person's genital area, no doubt with the express intention of ridiculing by sharing with mates/online is actually the worst part.

Got to be illegal.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 26/10/2021 11:00

Ewww that's awful behaviour. Why does he think it's ok to take photos of another persons genitalia. Just because it's a bloke taking a picture of a bloke doesn't make it right. If a lady had big boobs would he think it's ok to take photos of her without consent.

I agree, he's a bully and you should walk

DandyHighwayWoman · 26/10/2021 11:02

Ghastly man, dump him.

fromdownwest · 26/10/2021 11:05

Clealry got a c*ck and physical size complex, mocking others to apease his own insecurities.

Sounds like a complete be** end.

See ya!

SleepingBunnies21 · 26/10/2021 11:06

And the hair dresser comment; his behaviour is like that of a child who's not even gained the social awareness and discretion that most children gain past the earliest years.

I'd question his mental/personality development.

pictish · 26/10/2021 11:12

As an asides, I have always hated the type of humour that relies on the public humiliation of people who are unaware that they have been photographed or filmed…like ‘people of Walmart’ etc…
Of course there are some bizarre and amusing people out there, but when someone’s just going about their business, it’s very cruel to display them for jeering and derision that they never agreed to being the target of.
Awful.

TonTonMacoute · 26/10/2021 11:14

Why are you even asking OP?

itsallgoingpearshaped · 26/10/2021 11:14

He IS a bully. Get rid.

HireStarter · 26/10/2021 11:18

YANBU. He's rude and immature.

Call it off before you waste anymore time on him.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/10/2021 11:22

Oh, I dated one of those for a short while. Does it happen to coincide with a particularly virulent case of homophobia by any chance?

Some men are so closeted, it comes out like this and they won't even admit to themselves that's why. You can't tell them that the Bitchy Drag Queen act does nothing for you and that therapy regarding their supressed sexuality would probably help, because they're very likely to turn violent to prove their 'masculinity'. The one I knew finally let slip that he used to go out and attack gay men, which made everything fall into place for me and I promptly dumped him.

He's either a violently homophobic, closeted homosexual or a common or garden domestic abuser who despises everybody not as wonderful and physically inadequate lacking as him, gradually stepping up his game so you won't run the hell away when he hurts you for the first time.

Either way, your decision to dump him is absolutely the right thing to do.

Skyla2005 · 26/10/2021 11:33

I wouldn't want to be with someone who takes the piss out of other people for fun. He clearly must have issues going on with himself to feel the need to do this. This is a very big red flag. Take notice now. Your only 7 months in

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 11:50

I’ve text him saying it’s not working out, I don’t like the way he comments on other people’s appearances and am getting sick of him commenting on my clothes also. He’s not replied yet.

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 26/10/2021 11:55

Well done.

WonderfulYou · 26/10/2021 12:01

I’m glad you’ve seen the light OP.

People who take the piss out of other people do it because they’re insecure. For him to fixate on someone so much shows that he’s incredibly insecure.
I’ve seen this in people who think they’re ugly, have a small penis etc but to be such a bully he actually could be hiding his sexuality.

TheCuntessOfMiddlesex · 26/10/2021 12:02

He sounds a complete Wanker
Get rid
Lets hope he's not taken photos of you and showing/sharing them

SavageBeauty73 · 26/10/2021 12:03

Well done for ending it. Not only is he a bully, he sounds very weird.

SleepingBunnies21 · 26/10/2021 12:03

@SweetMaryHell

I’ve text him saying it’s not working out, I don’t like the way he comments on other people’s appearances and am getting sick of him commenting on my clothes also. He’s not replied yet.
I'd imagine you could be in for some abuse, if any minimising and gas lighting doesnt work; you might be better to block if you don't want to hear it.
Viviennemary · 26/10/2021 12:04

He is a complete weirdo. Get rid. Yuck.

citycitycity · 26/10/2021 12:07

Well done, and I'm glad you told him why. It might make him think about his shitty behaviour.

TwoleftUggs · 26/10/2021 12:08

My dd had a friend when she was in primary school, and her dad was this exact type of person, poking fun at anyone in exaggerated whispers. He commented to her face, on something of my dds appearance that she was v sensitive about and 10 years later she still hasn’t forgotten it. It affected her confidence massively at the time. Bullies like this who think they are just making a joke are horrible. Good for you dumping him. You are worth more.

PeterIsACockwomble · 26/10/2021 12:09

Well done, OP.

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