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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

483 replies

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 08:10

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

OP posts:
onlysomany · 26/10/2021 09:25

@ThePlumVan

I couldn’t be with someone so unkind. You sound lovely, so I really don’t think this is a good match.

Bin him now.

Yes, I agree you sound lovely. Find someone lovely to share your life with (they do exist, honest!) and you'll have a wonderful time together. It may take some time to find him, but this one is a frog, not a prince. Move on, continue your search for someone actually worthy of you. It's not this nasty man.

Your instincts are great, you've got him sussed! Maybe next time try not to give so many chances, you're worth more than this.

Irishfarmer · 26/10/2021 09:25

He does not sound nice at all! The fact he said he would put it on FB really is the pits for me. Imagine how that man would feel if he comes across himself as a meme.

I think you're right get rid of him. Slagging off your clothes too. There are a lot of great guys out there, he isn't one of them .

Supertree · 26/10/2021 09:26

God, what an arsehole! He reminds me of my eldest child’s dad. I was young and accidentally fell pregnant very quickly, then realised he was a vile human being. He loved to lay into people’s looks and it was difficult to hold a conversation with him if there was any kind of reflective surface around because he was so distracted by his own reflection. I remember the horrible, squirmy feeling of just wanting him to shut up and hoping people around us couldn’t hear what he was saying. Sometimes they did hear and he ended up getting into fights.

One night he racially abused a taxi driver and mocked his appearance and his ‘lowly job” (note - he was unemployed and sponging off me at the time) after he’d thrown up in his taxi, then tried to start a fight on him. I don’t think I’ve ever been so ashamed in my entire life. The taxi driver had to charge us for the vomit cleanup, but he realised I was paying for it so he only charged me half of the official charge. He clearly felt very sorry for me being linked with such a loser and told me I deserved better!

I’ve never felt relief like the relief I felt when I broke up with him. It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t have to feel on edge about him constantly judging and making comments about other people anymore. Just dump him. He’s an immature bully.

FireworkParrot · 26/10/2021 09:26

He sounds like a child, how old is this man?! I couldn't be with someone who was this ugly on the inside. He's an insecure bully.

Skeumorph · 26/10/2021 09:27

Yep, get rid, and make sure you slap down any 'You're so weird and overreacting' type comeback by telling him that last night was one of the more boring nights of your life, sitting there while your so-called boyfriend did literally nothing but talk about a bouncer's crotch.

Ethelfromnumber73 · 26/10/2021 09:27

He's obviously got very low self esteem and makes himself feel better by belittling and bullying people. This does not bode well for the future. He's got to go.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/10/2021 09:30

Just think what he will eventually do to your self esteem? As a father, that doesn't even bear thinking about.

McPie · 26/10/2021 09:30

Definitely time to toss this one back in the pond!

MilduraS · 26/10/2021 09:31

He sounds awful and embarrassing. Glad you're getting rid. I couldn't imagine spending decades apologising for someone else's behaviour or living with constant embarrassment.

RosiePosieDozy · 26/10/2021 09:32

Ugh. Definitely get rid. It seems like he has very low confidence and this is why he's picking on everyone else. Whatever it is, it's nasty and weird. He's not a nice person. Definitely not a nice partner.

Spidey66 · 26/10/2021 09:32

@MrsColon

Re: the bouncer, some of them wear a cup to protect them in case someone gets violent and tries to knee them in the crotch.
I didn't know this but it makes sense.

Every days a school day!

iklboo · 26/10/2021 09:32

He's a juvenile bully with an inferiority complex. Get rid.

pictish · 26/10/2021 09:35

What an insufferable idiot. This would be a deal breaker for me…just indicates a rather callous and shallow individual. Not an attractive long-term prospect in the least!
It won’t be long before he turns this bullying shit on you.

Saoirse82 · 26/10/2021 09:36

He sounds vile and you sound lovely. You're right to ditch him as unfortunately you'd end up guilty by association.

SleepingBunnies21 · 26/10/2021 09:40

He is an urter utter wanker.

When women stay with men like him I tend to look at then and think thet are either stupid, have very low standards or must be like them.

Its only 7 months, lol enough to see the pattern but not long in terns if relationships, no commitment, no ties ..

Also I believe his photos of that bouncer without his awareness or permission, esp of his genital region, are an illegal act (?)

Shutupyoutart · 26/10/2021 09:40

Yeah he's a prat throw him back in the sea.

Djifunrsn · 26/10/2021 09:41

Bullies don’t change.

I personally would avoid going into too much detail on the split. I’d just say “our personalities aren’t compatible and it isn’t working”.

People are saying he’s childish but in fact, children who aren’t bullies learn not to comment on people’s appearance when they are about 3. So I don’t even think it’s childish - it’s straight up bullying.

Sillyotter · 26/10/2021 09:41

What a nasty little man. I bet he was a bully in school and sounds like he continues to be. Get rid

Salayes · 26/10/2021 09:45

Agreed with the consensus. He’s horrible and a bully and clearly insecure about something. He’s turning it on you too now - imagine how nasty he’ll get say a couple of years in when he’s really sure of himself with you. 7 months in and he’s already like this? Grim.

TopCatsTopHat · 26/10/2021 09:45

Your boyfriend is a total dickhead. Stick with him and you'll soon see what kind of people are willing to spend time with you as a couple. Amazed you're having to ask but i suppose horrid people like him have a way of making you question yourself

dottypencilcase · 26/10/2021 09:47

Reminds me of a well known 'comedian' I met at a friends dinner party. A complete and utter dick. He wasn't funny at all. People put up with him because they were scared to be at the receiving end of his 'jokes'.

Winniemarysarah · 26/10/2021 09:49

@kissmelittleass

I know someone who's heard shit like this from nasty bullies like him whispered loud enough for victim to hear or sometimes not even bothering to whisper and this beautiful person was depressed because of it and had thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore she was damaged because of people like your nasty prick of a boyfriend. You sound like a nice person your worth so much more just send one text ending it and block that scum from your life he's toxic he doesn't deserve a reason karma is a bitch what goes around comes around.
I was thinking along the lines of this. I’ve got poor mental health and I woke up with terrible anxiety today. If I heard someone make a comment like that about me I think I’d cry. How disgusting and vile of a person do you have to be to actually go out of your way to make a complete stranger feel like shit about themselves?
midlifecrash · 26/10/2021 09:52

He’s awful,plus he’ll spend the whole night going on about something you’re not interested in… why spend a second longer with him. How creepy and how BORING

Gilmoregale · 26/10/2021 09:53

Almost all the boys I was at school with were like this (plus, sadly, quite a few idiots in my own family and some people I worked with in various environments). I'm no oil painting but I'm not as hideous as they made me believe for years. It severely affected my self-esteem and when I managed to escape my home town it took me years before I could interact with ordinary, nice people in a normal way that didn't involve me being savagely sarcastic right from the off.

Get rid of him. He won't improve.

(Just seen you're planning on doing just that - well done.)

SleepingBunnies21 · 26/10/2021 09:53

He'll embarrassed you at best, involve you in fights at worst.

Abd then there's whether his constant criticism and ridiculing of people will escalate with you (already started with the granny coat and clothes too loose comments) and, as others, have said, maybe your kids to be.

He's an embarrassing cringeworthy childish, quite nasty wanker. There must be a better prospect to hit h your wagon to.

He sounds like he's developmentally stunted tbh.