DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

[SweetMaryHell]

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

He IS a bully. He sounds really, really unkind.

Imagine you were anyone one of the people you have witnessed him bullying. How small, sad, insecure, and ashamed do you think his comments made them feel? I'd suggest very. It's making me quite sad to even think about it.

And remember that these are just the comments you have witnessed. I bet he's even worse with his friends.

You're spending your time with a bully who humiliates people for fun.

I'd leave him. For SURE. I can't tolerate bullies.

@MadameGazellee she has dumped him.

Just seen your updates. He sounds even worse in those! Well done for getting rid!

Well done for seeing the red flags, and ditching the idiot. Lets be honest, people who act like this have deep seated issues about themselves that they present to the world as verbal bullying of others. It screams of narcissism. Also lack of judgement. Posting pictures of strangers on the internet is a breach of privacy law, and he could get into trouble. How long before he turned that nasty behaviour on you, and you became another domestic violence statistic? Well done for doing the right thing, it takes courage to walk away from this.

I just adore his righteous indignation, how very shocked he is at you. How you've "changed" (you haven't - he just wasn't listening all this time).

I had one like this. Never listened/didn't believe me when I told him I'm never going to move, never partner up again, etc. His "bye Felipe" level reaction to my breaking it off with him was /epic/, peppered liberally with "I was so wrong about you" snarls. Well, duh, YEAH you were wrong.

OP, this might be unpleasant at the moment, and I do echo concerns that you might want to put police on standby. But it does mellow into (for me it's now) comedy gold.

@SweetMaryHell

What’s that supposed to mean?

That I'm surprised someone educated and in a profession is still juvenile enough to make jokes referencing sexuality.

"I nearly told her has was gay, ha ha ha"..

Well done to get rid of him. He sounds like a bully and I don’t know any straight guy that would get so utterly obsessed with what another strange guy has in his pants.

@PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside

The OP has/had genuine confusion around her ex’s sexuality due to his obsession with the male bouncer and the size of his genitals.
If anything, she was mocking the no doubt terribly homophobic reaction he would have at someone suggesting such a thing.

@Whataroyalannoyance

Bin him. One day you will be the butt of one of his 'jokes'

This.

@PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside

You don’t think obsessing about the genital area of another man is a hint at possible homosexual interests?

Wow …

[quote SweetMaryHell]@PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside

You don’t think obsessing about the genital area of another man is a hint at possible homosexual interests?

Wow …[/quote]
Which is EXACTLY what you should have told your ex-DP!

I did in a fashion, when he accused me of fancying the bouncer I reminded him that it was HIM that was staring at his crotch all night

@SweetMaryHell - and taking photos of it, AND enlarging the images the next day for a better view…. He certainly sounds like a fully-paid member of Gaslighter’s Anonymous and frankly, quite fucking unhinged. The giggling and South Park stuff, the constant taking the piss… He’s an aggressive little shit with very labile moods. Thank god you got out as soon as you did.

I'm also thinking back to his reaction, his genuine confusion that you're "sticking up for the bouncer" because you know him (and that slightly pulled him up a bit) - he simply didn't get that you'd stick up for a total stranger, or object to an action/belief on its own merits.

Better minds than mine, versed in child psychology, will probably be able to tell you, but doesn't that speak to some kind of condition? That's no excuse of course. Nobody in their adult dotage should be thinking like that, frankly. You see it all the time on IDontWorkHereLady freds, though - Karens who can't understand that a customer just did something nice for somebody.

I don't really need to add anything else to this massive thread, but I know someone like this, who is sadly a blood relative. I am really low contact with them. You don't have the blood connection so you can happily get rid of him!

[quote Blueemeraldagain]@PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside

The OP has/had genuine confusion around her ex’s sexuality due to his obsession with the male bouncer and the size of his genitals.
If anything, she was mocking the no doubt terribly homophobic reaction he would have at someone suggesting such a thing.[/quote]
Yes, and she was saying the school gate mum would have relished that idea so she was glad she didn't mention it. Op hasn't sneered or laughed at that, though not unreasonably it has crossed her mind.

@SweetMaryHell

I did in a fashion, when he accused me of fancying the bouncer I reminded him that it was HIM that was staring at his crotch all night

In a fashion is not direct. You go in hard and direct, not muck around the bush, with these type of men. You call it out, direct.

I also think you should have told the gossip that you ended it because he was taking photos of a man's crotch and wanted to upload it on the internet. His face when he learns that the gossip knows, will be priceless. Lets see him explain/defend that one to the gossip.

Brilliant. You couldn't possibly find his behaviour unsavoury unless you were personally acquainted with the victim? Just wow.

I also love the fact that he needed your wifi to watch the YouTube videos he required to solace his broken heart!

If nothing else, he has succeeded in ensuring that you will never feel sexually attracted to him, even for a second, ever again.

@TheGirlCat

You obviously didn't tell him you found him to be a bully and nasty. I read what you said you sent him, but it seemed to weak and wishywashy to me. You needed to be direct; that he is nasty and a bully to other people and women aren't attracted to those men. You also should have said to him you think he's gay (even if you don't). That's the only way to get through to men like that. He needs to be told his bullying and nastiness is a turnoff.

Yeah, it's OP's job to re-educate this plonker, & she OUGHT to take your advice, @TheGirlCat.

After all, how will the poor weirdo find another woman to hoodwink into going out with him, unless OP tells him how he went wrong? Because that's OP's responsibility too, right?

Fucksake, OP has sent a perfectly viable break-up text. Nobody asked you to mark her homework. And this b/f REALLY doesn't "need" to be told his bullying is a turnoff. The more women he turns off with it, the better.

You also show a v poor understanding of personal safety around dysfunctional men.
This man is unhinged - the last thing OP should be doing is anything enraging to him. She doesn't need to "get through to him" - she needs to GET RID OF HIM, which she has, so far, successfully done.

@ChargingBuck Seriously, calm down. My point is he clearly has not got the message of why she wanted to dump him. With men like that, it needs to be spelled out.

she needs to GET RID OF HIM, which she has, so far, successfully done.
Considering he showed up at her house and sat outside, all evidence to the contrary! Her not being direct clearly hasn't worked. That's evident.

Well done for ditching him. Make sure you block him too, and be aware of him trying to lovebomb you back. Full of how sorry he is. Because he will then just dump you. There seems to be so many of these horrible narcissist creatures

[quote TheGirlCat]@ChargingBuck Seriously, calm down. My point is he clearly has not got the message of why she wanted to dump him. With men like that, it needs to be spelled out.

she needs to GET RID OF HIM, which she has, so far, successfully done.
Considering he showed up at her house and sat outside, all evidence to the contrary! Her not being direct clearly hasn't worked. That's evident.[/quote]
Seriously, no.

OP being any more "direct" will escalate him.
Grey Rock is the way for her to go now. With her ex, & with Gossip Friend.

And a call to the police if he shows up again.

This man is craving a reaction from & attention from OP.
Her focus should be on not providing it.
It's the safest & most effective method. You don't have to believe me - Gavin de Becker would tell you the same.

@SweetMaryHell omg he sounds like a complete nightmare, I'm surprised you put up with him for 7 months! Do you think he might also be gay as he seems to have an obsession with men's crotches? I read once that if they're still in the closet they come across as bullies who like to humiliate people as it makes them feel better about themselves...

He's not a project that she needs to improve before she hands him.

He's a nasty, ugly man who I think has shown clearly what an insecure twat he is.

Going crying to her friend?
Manipulative prick.

She owes him nothing but a call to the police to report him.

Freak.