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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

483 replies

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 08:10

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

OP posts:
catfunk · 26/10/2021 18:03

Absolute knobhead, I'd get rid

Anonanon1234 · 26/10/2021 18:25

@SweetMaryHell

I’m fuming and so embarrassed. I’ve just had a text from a woman I know from when DD was at primary school (school gate mum friend). She asked if I was ok as he has only gone around to her house and “poured his heart out” to her saying I’d dumped him and he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!! He’s told her all sorts of personal business (and I’m a very private person), he only knows her as we popped around to pick something up once. We’re not close friends and she loves gossip so would have welcomed him in with a “tell me everything” approach. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say to her.
I'd just respond "Yep, I'm fine thanks for your concern" Give her absolutely NOTHING.

And he clearly has a boundaries issue.

Nayday · 26/10/2021 18:34

Lucky escape. Yes I'd post what @Anonanon1234 said - I'd be grey rock-ing the hell out of him, her and anyone else he spouted his BS to!

SleepingBunnies21 · 26/10/2021 18:35

Just more evidence that this dude is not right in the head.

He's generally very very childish, immature and inappropriate.

Imnothereforthedrama · 26/10/2021 18:39

He sounds a absolute 🔔 end op , sorry .

Anonymouseposter · 26/10/2021 18:41

He sounds horrible, you're well rid! To the concerned acquaintance" He has no need to worry about me, I'm absolutely fine. Yes, I have dumped him because I have very good reason to".

Tallisimo · 26/10/2021 18:41

You are well shot of such an unkind, unpleasant person. I’m sorry he has been talking about private things with this other person - but this is further evidence you’ve done the right thing by dumping him. Try not to dwell on his dickish behaviour, block him, and fill your life with those who you know are your friends.

Lilymossflower · 26/10/2021 18:56

Well his reaction to you ending things with him says it all, you dodged a bullet. He's putting on a show, involving other people... Ugh so dodgy.
I get why your embarrassed about it but better now than later, I recommend cut off from him completely, not before telling him please leave you and your friends/aquaintances/ family alone though.

jamandmarmalade · 26/10/2021 19:09

@SweetMaryHell

You have won! Star Halo Wine

''Nothing succeeds like success''

You have cut the supply that feeds his narc personality. He will stamp and gossip and blah blah he CANNOT stand to lose face.

Keep a record/screenshots if you are receiving any nonsense but other than that you have made the BEST decision of your life. Breathe a massive sigh of relief.

He is trying to undermine you to punish you through the local gossip to embarrass what he knows is your sensitive private personality. You are intelligent, brave and resolute. Don't bottle it up talk if you need to but more importantly don't give what he says or does importance.

Do not feed either of them.

Flowers Smile

TheGirlCat · 26/10/2021 19:24

@SweetMaryHell

I’m fuming and so embarrassed. I’ve just had a text from a woman I know from when DD was at primary school (school gate mum friend). She asked if I was ok as he has only gone around to her house and “poured his heart out” to her saying I’d dumped him and he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!! He’s told her all sorts of personal business (and I’m a very private person), he only knows her as we popped around to pick something up once. We’re not close friends and she loves gossip so would have welcomed him in with a “tell me everything” approach. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say to her.
Ohhhh that prick! He knew she was a gossip and went to her knowing she'd cause trouble for you. He is certainly manipulative and malicious. He knows what he is doing going to her, and talking about your business. He means to really hurt you and your reputation. What a lowlife. Unfortunately this seems to be entirely 'in character' with him. Keep your guard up and be aware that he may go to others as well to besmirch your character. I am so sorry, but am glad you had the self respect to dump his arse and he has proven that your decision to dump him was the correct one.
HikingforScenery · 26/10/2021 19:28

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. With a small one. What’s the obsession with another man’s crotch? So childish ugh!

Graphista · 26/10/2021 19:30

Juvenile twat!

Dump and move on op people like this don't change

Given he seems to zone in on peoples looks in particular I take it he's a Greek Adonis? No? You do surprise me 

Taking the piss out of the way someone said a word could be xenophobic, snobbery or disablism - none are things I would want in a life partner

And he's picking on you already too op he sounds like an emotionally abusive bastard in training!

@billy1966 yes kindness and compassion and understanding of peoples differences are vitally important in a decent person

Sounds like he's insecure in his own manhood/masculinity and deals with that by lashing out at others - and this was him in a good mood/on best behaviour in early stages of a relationship!

I dread to THINK what he's like when he's in a bad mood/his guard is down!

His reaction was nasty and cruel! What a piece of work!

Straight out of the abuser’s playbook

Yep!

Bullet dodged I reckon big time!

I've changed my mind. I'd reply to the mum with "and this is exactly the kind of irrational behaviour that made me dump him. Sorry he bothered you."

This!

Perfect!

Puts your point across without giving the local gossip more info and to a degree makes it clear she was foolish to entertain him!

billy1966 · 26/10/2021 19:59

OP,
Very annoying but I wouldn't get worked up.

Completely play it down that he was a bit creepy, you weren't interested and have been trying to shake him off, bit of a looser.

THEN, call 101 and tell them that this creep that you have shaken off and dumped has now called, faux concerned to someone and is making aspersions on your mental health and trying to intimidate you.

Ask would the police mind calling to his work place to warn him off as you have a feeling he may be about to harass you and you have children.

There is nothing quite like having the police call to his workplace to put scum like him back in their box.

thecatsarecrazy · 26/10/2021 20:19

Narcissist and went straight for the flying monkey approach. Shocking

Noavocado · 26/10/2021 20:25

I have a feeling they have kissed and made up. OP no where to be seen

ChargingBuck · 26/10/2021 20:31

@Noavocado

I have a feeling they have kissed and made up. OP no where to be seen
Doubt it.

OP maybe ... has a life?

PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside · 26/10/2021 20:59

I think, if this is true, that OP is definitely well rid.

OP - what is this crotch-related affliction, that you as a registered nurse are familiar with?

Have to say, I'm intrigued.

RosiePosieDozy · 26/10/2021 21:12

Him turning up at this woman's house is definitely annoying. Don't be embarrassed though. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. As a pp said, just say to this woman 'yes, I'm fine thanks' if you haven't already replied. Don't give her any gossip or information from you.

Stand your ground with him. You have told him why you don't want to be with him. You don't need to do any more explaining. He seems unhinged.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 26/10/2021 21:40

How have you resisted the urge to say that you dumped him because he has a tiny penis?

He will have been listening to the entire conversation. He is manipulating her in his attempt to manipulate you.

Take care that this isn't just the start. People like him don't let shit like this just lie. You've given his ego a nasty knock.

Albertinier · 26/10/2021 21:48

My very controlling ex would do things like that. Try and scare you into continuing with him, by embarrassing you with friends and family. I would get rid while you can. This is very manipulative behaviour.

miniwolf · 26/10/2021 22:02

Oh god he sounds vile. Get rid immediately! What a horrible man 😠

flatclearancehelp · 26/10/2021 23:05

Well, this thread is warming up nicely

Mystery0723 · 27/10/2021 05:18

I would get rid of him. One reason is I wouldn't want people to think I'm like him and I'd be very embarrassed by his behavior.

SweetMaryHell · 27/10/2021 07:25

@PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside

I think, if this is true, that OP is definitely well rid.

OP - what is this crotch-related affliction, that you as a registered nurse are familiar with?

Have to say, I'm intrigued.

There are a few. Fluid in the scrotum, enlarged blood vessels, infection and also one you might not consider … weight loss surgery causes loose skin which hangs down the lower abdomen area (if there is lots of it it can hang around crotch area. Some folk would rather stuff it down their trousers/skirt rather than have it hanging over their clothes.

———

Anyway, update - he turned up here at 7pm last night crying on the doorstep saying he can’t understand what he’s done wrong then asked “is this all about that bouncer? If so I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you knew him”. I said “I didn’t know him!!” So he replied “oh? Well then I can’t understand your obsession with him?”

Wtf

I told him to go away, he refused. I closed the door and told him to go home. He sat on the doorstep watching YouTube videos and laughing away to himself to south park (I could hear it). So I turned my WiFi off 🙄 at that point he got back up and started knocking on the door again but I ignored it. He eventually went away but I got a text later that night saying he’s shocked at the way I’ve turned out, he never thought I could be so heartless apparently - god imagine if I’d got pregnant to him??!

OP posts:
overnightangel · 27/10/2021 07:31

What a absolute fucking lunatic Shock
Offended by everything guilty of nothing 🙄
As an aside I am chuckling to myself at you knocking the wifi off 🤣