Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP obsessing over bouncer, weird bully behaviour?

483 replies

SweetMaryHell · 26/10/2021 08:10

This has been bothering me since weekend. Been with “dp” for 7 months. On Saturday night we went out for a few drinks. DP nudged me at one point and told me to look at the bouncer stood near the door. I looked, turned back to Dp and said “what about him?”. He burst out laughing and said “look at his crotch” 🤔 so I looked … slightly unusual but as a nurse I know there are many conditions that could present like this so shrugged my shoulders and said something like “so what”. DP continued laughing at kept telling me to look again. I was getting irritated and told him to stop being weird so he said “he must have socks stuffed down his trousers!” I asked him to stop going on about it. He then told me to look at bouncers face. Getting really bored of this now I asked what his problem was with this guy, he replied “he looks like Gru from Despicable Me!”. Ok … tried to change the subject and saw that he was taking photos of this bloke. I swear he paid more attention to this guy than he did to me during the whole evening. He just wouldn’t stop banging on about him, even suggested he ask him for a selfie. I told him I was leaving in the end as he just wouldn’t talk about anything else. Kept going on and on about his crotch and nose.
Long story short, we got back to my place and I went to bed. Heard him giggling, turned out he’d taken numerous photos of this bloke as well as zoomed in photos of his crotch. I told him he was out of order and went to sleep.
Next morning I thought maybe I should give him some leeway as he was drunk but still wanted to say something. I asked him why he kept going on about the bouncer night before and why he’d taken photos. He burst out laughing and started asking if I thought he’d stuffed something down his trousers. I said something along the lines of “I think you’re a bit of a bully to be honest and I don’t like this side of you”. He acted shocked and gave it the whole “woah! Where is this coming from? Did you fancy him or something?” So I reminded him that I wasn’t the one staring at his crotch all night!!!

In hindsight he’s shown signs of this bullying attitude in the past. One time loudly whispered that my hairdresser had a massive nose (loud enough for her to hear if she had good hearing) and then kept going on about her looking like Alice Cooper. On another occasion he loudly “whispered” taking the piss out of the way a caretaker had said a certain word. Again loud enough for him to hear if he had good hearing.

After the whole bouncer thing I’m thinking of calling the whole thing off. He made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt he was cruel to this bloke (he’d also said he was going to upload the photos to Facebook).

He thinks I’m totally over reacting and looking for something to argue about. AIBU?

OP posts:
sadie9 · 26/10/2021 16:09

You are well rid.
He's so obsessed by what others think of him. He had to make sure he went around to your friend and made up a story about you to present himself in a good light in case you bad mouthed him with others.
He puts others down in an attempt to feel better about himself.

Popetthetreehugger · 26/10/2021 16:13

Start a log ... just in case . Well done you for getting rid 💐

Blabla81 · 26/10/2021 16:13

I had an awful ex who was so horrible about people behind their backs - including his entire extended family. I finally couldn’t stand him anymore (after 5 whole years - I was very young - met him at 18 when he was almost 30). After I ended things with him, he told lots of people (his family members included) awful things I had apparently said about them, obviously to make them hate me even more for daring to dump him. All the “things” were “things” that he had said over the years about them.

MrsLighthouse · 26/10/2021 16:18

Finish with him but try to be brave enough to tell him why . Body-shaming is ugly and childish and unkind . He might or might not hear you but you’ll have integrity . I finished with someone because he called supermarket workers “pondlife” 😳

girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 16:19

@MrsLighthouse

Finish with him but try to be brave enough to tell him why . Body-shaming is ugly and childish and unkind . He might or might not hear you but you’ll have integrity . I finished with someone because he called supermarket workers “pondlife” 😳
She has.
OtterAndDog · 26/10/2021 16:28

That is so deeply unattractive. Get rid of him.

tomorrowalready · 26/10/2021 16:28

Well done on geting rid of him, the best thing woudl be to totally ignore any comments from him or the 'friend'. They sound like they'd do the world a favour by getting together and limiting their nastiness to themselves. The security personand your hairdresser were probably aware of his looks and comments but were being professionals in their jobs. These kind of personal comments really hurt and stop many people from daring to be seen in public.

SirYawnsAlot · 26/10/2021 16:31

Is the school-mum-friend who he went to single? Might be lining up his next victim.
I wouldn't respond, once he knows she's passing on messages he won't stop.
Start keeping a log of his behaviour.

chaosrabbitland · 26/10/2021 16:31

he sounds about as mature as a 12 year old , i think any respect i had for him after exibiting this odd childish behaviour would have vanished out the window and id have to call it a day ,
you wont be making a wrong move by deciding to dump him

RandomDent · 26/10/2021 16:33

Lucky escape there. Well done on getting rid.

chaosrabbitland · 26/10/2021 16:34

@SweetMaryHell

I’m fuming and so embarrassed. I’ve just had a text from a woman I know from when DD was at primary school (school gate mum friend). She asked if I was ok as he has only gone around to her house and “poured his heart out” to her saying I’d dumped him and he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!! He’s told her all sorts of personal business (and I’m a very private person), he only knows her as we popped around to pick something up once. We’re not close friends and she loves gossip so would have welcomed him in with a “tell me everything” approach. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say to her.
well now you know you have done the right thing after hes done this , let this woman have him if shes so keen to listen to him blathering on . and you dont have to say anything to her if you see her other than the usual good morning stuff , if she starts going on about it , just say its a senstive subject and you dont want to disscuss it thats all , its none of her business remember
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/10/2021 16:35

You tell her the truth.
Everything.
He was taking pictures of a man's crotch all night, he mocks peoples appearance. You don't like bullies and it is rather manipulative of him to go to her crying and pretending there's something wrong with you when you were very clear that you found his bullying behaviour unacceptable. Also that him disclosing your personal information was unacceptable and you hope you can trust it will go no further.

Crazycakelady17 · 26/10/2021 16:44

This is so weird your well rid especially as you have DC bet he would of started being nasty about them
I think he started off testing the waters and pushing the boundaries very concerning glad your out of it

me4real · 26/10/2021 16:44

Well done for getting rid of him- he's a twat.

You could just tell the truth to the random woman- say you didn't like how he mocked people's appearances.

Clumsyvolcano · 26/10/2021 17:01

Are you sure he’s an adult? That’s shocking. He sounds like a primary school child. So unattractive. I’d have exploded at him that night! He sounds like he might have confidence issues himself.

prettyteapotsplease · 26/10/2021 17:03

Now you've got rid, stay rid OP. His behaviour is absolutely classic, isn't it? Plenty more fish in the sea.

2Two · 26/10/2021 17:04

Don't be embarrassed about nosy friend. Just use one of the responses suggested upthread to make it clear that he's a dickhead and a liar whom she should not believe, and that you're perfectly fine.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/10/2021 17:04

@SweetMaryHell

I’m fuming and so embarrassed. I’ve just had a text from a woman I know from when DD was at primary school (school gate mum friend). She asked if I was ok as he has only gone around to her house and “poured his heart out” to her saying I’d dumped him and he’s worried about me as I’m acting out of character etc!! He’s told her all sorts of personal business (and I’m a very private person), he only knows her as we popped around to pick something up once. We’re not close friends and she loves gossip so would have welcomed him in with a “tell me everything” approach. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say to her.
What should you tell her? I'd go with

"I'm absolutely fine - really good in fact! Sorry about my ex using you like this, I should have expected his self-absorption wouldn't be able to handle being dumped. I guess in his mind he must "punish" me by making stuff up to smear me. Now you (and everyone he runs bleating to) can see why I don't want to be with him - I don't think he'll ever see it. Apologies again for having your time wasted."

Make it all about him, nothing about you (other than that you're doing great). Sow that seed that all the 'gossip' she's harvested is total bollocks. And that she's unlikely to have an exclusive scoop.

He is punishing you, because you are a private person. I hope this response wouldn't be uncomfortable to you.

bossybloss · 26/10/2021 17:07

Cruel bully ..you know you need to get rid.The fact you are shocked indicates that you are not like him at all .

bossybloss · 26/10/2021 17:08

Sorry sorry sorry! Didn’t read whole thread ..classic MN mistake !!!

SunshineCake1 · 26/10/2021 17:11

People are saying the bouncer might be wearing a protective box but the OP said she is a nurse who knows of genital conditions that make a penis present like this.

Mygodicanteven · 26/10/2021 17:23

End it asap. Just imagine a horrid man like that as the father of your children. No. No. No.

TopCatsTopHat · 26/10/2021 17:44

I'd reply to her something like
'doesn't it strike you as odd that a man you barely know has turned up at your door to cry on your shoulder over his heartbreak? I'm fine, I had exceedingly good reasons for terminating my relationship with him and in your position I wouldn't be entertaining him for another minute'

I absolutely wouldn't waste my time saying sorry he bothered you, not your choice and she was daft enough to let him in cos she loves drama.

limitedperiodonly · 26/10/2021 17:56

If you really need to answer her just say you're fine, thanks. Anything else is feeding the drama. You've told him you don't want to see him again. It's over. That's good.

I don't understand how being a "private person" makes it any worse. You don't have to be a spy or a terrorist not to like people talking about you.

Salayes · 26/10/2021 17:59

He’s embarrassed himself. If this woman welcomed a random crying man she barely knows into her home to get the gossip more fool her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread