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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in Law

127 replies

Rach16785 · 25/10/2021 22:23

So my mother in law has not been the best mother to my dh. His parents divorced at 15 and he moved in with his Dad. Since we got together 8 years ago I encouraged a relationship with his Mum which he now has (he's now 38). We have 4 young children and she barely does anything to help, if we ask for a babysitter she'll say yes but be home by 9pm as this suits her new boyfriend and she only agrees to this once every 3 months if we're lucky. My parents have my younger children on Mon and Tues as we both work full-time so we don't take this for granted. This weekly parents are not only having the 3 Yr old and 6 month old but also our 4 and 5 year old as its half term. The elder 2 are in holiday club Wed and Thurs and as dh had just started his new job he is unsure of finish time. I finish at half 5 and holiday club finishes at half 4. To help for the 2 days he has asked his mum (who only works until half 2) if as a back up she could collect the kids. She doesn't drive so has basically said no and I've seen a message she sent to him saying 'she should have thought about this but all she cares about is being close to her parents'. Basically blaming me. I'm furious and expect him to have my back. My choice of house is nothing to do with where my parents are but a choice of the best area. My mil lives in a rough area. Opinions more than welcome

OP posts:

shockedNeighbour · 25/10/2021 22:26

Honestly? You sound INCREDIBLY judgemental and entitled.

frazzledasarock · 25/10/2021 22:26

She said no. She’s entitled to not want to babysit your DC. It’s not her responsibility.

She has her opinions on your housing choices and you have yours about her.

She doesn’t want to do the school run/babysit. Her prerogative.

MacMahon · 25/10/2021 22:28

She doesn’t sound very nice but she also doesn’t owe you any childcare.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/10/2021 22:29

I suppose it depends on the family dynamic. You seem to think everyone should schedule their time to work around you and your kids. Some families help is a given, others it is a one-off if ever at all.

MacMahon · 25/10/2021 22:29

Opinions more than welcome

I’m not sure how this will pan out.

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 22:29

Ime people who try to encourage relationships that just aren't meant to be usually get their arsed bitten.
Ime
.
Raise your own dc and be thankful to no one is a great motto..

Original poster

Rach16785 · 25/10/2021 22:30

The childcare thing is not the issue I agree with that it's not an entitlement. The way she addresses it is more what I'm seeking opinions on..

OP posts:

Tulips15 · 25/10/2021 22:31

If she can't drive, that will make it harder.
If all she is ever asked is to babysit and not have simple visits from you too, then you are using her a bit.

Can one of your parents stay with the younger 2 & the other get the older 2?
or younger 2 get in car to pick up the older 2 with one of your parents(if they can drive?)
It is short notice to only be organising this now though tbh.

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 22:32

You choosen to have a 5 year old 4 year old, 3 year old and baby it's all on you be thankful you get all that help off your inlaws for 4 kids 5 years and younger. I think your expections are unrealistic and your being massively unfair to your mil she's not there to provide unpaid childcare for your brood.

Rainbowheart1 · 25/10/2021 22:35

Some mothers are just like that, your not the only one. She blames you, well obviously, she isn’t going to admit it’s herself is she.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2021 22:35

Why did you encourage him to have a relationship with her when he was happy enough not having much of one? He knows her much better than you do, you should have trusted him.

As it is, she’s doing plenty of free childcare for you. You’re blindingly lucky to have so much support from both sets of parents, do you realise that?

She isn’t obliged to help you this time or any other time. It doesn’t sound like you’re close and you don’t seem to like each other much. So step back, don’t ask for favours, be grateful if they’re offered, leave his relationship with her to him.

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 22:35

Surely you considered childcare options before having a big family in quick succession?

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 22:36

Not being awful op but you knew she was a crap dm. What did you think happened when she became a dgm? The Good Fairy came and blessed her with goodness?

nopenotplaying · 25/10/2021 22:36

She wasn't very maternal with her own son, so she's likely to be the same with her grandchildren I'm afraid

RestingPandaFace · 25/10/2021 22:37

She completely out of order and very sexist blaming and ranting about you when it’s actually your DHs work situation that has changed, but it’s automatically our job to arrange childcare because female….

Having said that she doesn’t actually owe you childcare, and just because your parents help put doesn’t create an obligation on her so for that YABU.

Unanananana · 25/10/2021 22:38

She owes you nothing in terms of childcare amd you shouldn't expect it. You had four in very quick succession so must have been willing to deal with them on your own. She doesn't drive so how are you expecting her to pick them up?
You don't seem to like her or the area she lives in either. You sound thoroughly unpleasant all round. Its not surprising shes not jumping for joy at being asked to babysit.

whispamint · 25/10/2021 22:39

I subscribe to the view that families should help each other out but you sound incredibly entitled. I would never expect my mil or mum to have a 6m, 3 yr, 4yr & 5yr. That's crazy!

Original poster

Rach16785 · 25/10/2021 22:41

Yes absolutely. Normally the elder 2 are in after school club and on hols my Dad would collect them from holiday club. Sadly he had a seizure months ago and consequently can't drive for 12 months. We both work full time and will make it work but it's just upsetting when your very rare request for help is a means to slag you off xxx

OP posts:

Incognito4 · 25/10/2021 22:41

You chose to have 4 children. She doesn't owe you anything and she's perfectly within her right to express that.
You always knew it'd be tricky to manage childcare for 4 kids, particularly in holidays.. What are you shocked about?

Original poster

Rach16785 · 25/10/2021 22:43

I don't, the 5 and 4 year-old are in holiday club which we pay for. We have asked if she can collect them at 4:30pm and drop them at ours 30 mins later. The younger 2 will be in nursery and we will pick them up

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 22:44

It's not a case of a request to help. Your reproductive choices are your own, you and your dh made the decision to have not 1 but 4 children in quick succession without any regard to childcare provisions. It shouldn't be down to your mil to pick up the slack nor your dad if he's as poorly as you say with seizures. 4 children under 5 would be utterly exhausting for an older person, I find three exhausting nevermind 4 children in those age ranges.

whispamint · 25/10/2021 22:44

We both work full time and will make it work but it's just upsetting when your very rare request for help is a means to slag you off

I do agree she shouldn't blame you & not her son. Obviously DH is starting new job but can you take holiday or leave early?

I don't think your mil is being unreasonable to say no.

whispamint · 25/10/2021 22:46

I don't, the 5 and 4 year-old are in holiday club which we pay for. We have asked if she can collect them at 4:30pm and drop them at ours 30 mins later.

Is that a 30 min walk? with a 4 & 5 yr old?

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 22:46

What would you do if your inlaws where no longer there? You alternate the holidays between you and your dh to cover childcare and paid out childcare for the reminder. Me and dh work back to back for this very basis so there's anyways one of us there.

Original poster

Rach16785 · 25/10/2021 22:48

She has a partner and they are always taking care of his grandchildren. He drives and could drop take them to ours for when my dh is home

OP posts:

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