Mother in Law

[Rach16785]

So my mother in law has not been the best mother to my dh. His parents divorced at 15 and he moved in with his Dad. Since we got together 8 years ago I encouraged a relationship with his Mum which he now has (he's now 38). We have 4 young children and she barely does anything to help, if we ask for a babysitter she'll say yes but be home by 9pm as this suits her new boyfriend and she only agrees to this once every 3 months if we're lucky. My parents have my younger children on Mon and Tues as we both work full-time so we don't take this for granted. This weekly parents are not only having the 3 Yr old and 6 month old but also our 4 and 5 year old as its half term. The elder 2 are in holiday club Wed and Thurs and as dh had just started his new job he is unsure of finish time. I finish at half 5 and holiday club finishes at half 4. To help for the 2 days he has asked his mum (who only works until half 2) if as a back up she could collect the kids. She doesn't drive so has basically said no and I've seen a message she sent to him saying 'she should have thought about this but all she cares about is being close to her parents'. Basically blaming me. I'm furious and expect him to have my back. My choice of house is nothing to do with where my parents are but a choice of the best area. My mil lives in a rough area. Opinions more than welcome

Why are you not on mat leave? What happens at Christmas or the 6 weeks

Are you planning on having more dc?

I think you need to focus on the key points here, not just let the challenges finding childcare make you annoyed at all parts here.
-it’s kind of fair enough your dp doesn’t want to work nights, I think you should work through your feelings on this separately. Obviously you’re in an adjustment period. Is there a reason it’s completely unfair for him to think well you can work nights for a change if you think that’s the solution to our childcare?!

• the holiday club timing is very frustrating, I’d look for proper holiday care that is for working parents. Apppreciate your dc might like this one but I only book mine into fun days that end before 5 if we can collect them.
• his mum is not supportive, and not a good mum. She cares more about her partners family than her child and she doesn’t really like you. You have to accept this, and not rely on her (although once every 3m is pretty good for a detached grandma)

-that doesn’t mean she can be rude about you. You should ask your dp to reply and be clear about that, but not because it’s his fault you need childcare. Just because you are his partner.

• this is all very important as it sounds like your parents may need to wind back their extensive help for health reasons, if not immediately then in the nearish future, so you need a new system in place.

Some of us can't afford mat leave for 9 months. I have Christmas off every year and school hols covered, this half term was an anomaly with dh starting a new job.

@Bananarama21

Are you planning on having more dc?

How is this relevant? I get that people are trying to point out to OP that she's asking a lot of others. I agree that she's unreasonable. But I don't think it's on to start questioning her and her DH's decisions on how many children to have. This post comes across as a sly dig.

Holiday club ends 45 minutes before I finish work that's all we are asking for. 45 minutes

How long will it take mil to get there from her house? How long will it take to walk them to your house? How long will it take her to walk home? In the dark? Is it rural? What if it's chucking down? What if the 4 and 5 year old are slow because they're tired?

I can't say I blame her really.

Gazelda
Given she doesn't remotely see the issue why someone wouldn't want to care for 4 young dc and collect 2 of them when she doesn't even drive. She's bloody lucky to have the help off her parents I think its fairly relevant comment. Have a big family by all means but not an the expense of extended family members. Not once has recognised that she might be taking the piss out of people for her lifestyle choices that impact them.

Thank you for the most reasonable and sensible reply.
In terns of nights, I absolutely support his shift as want him to be happy, just came a little earlier than expected hence the stress now but we'll work it out.
With my parents I agree wholeheartedly. I have told them numerous times I'm increasing my youngest 2s nursery days to take the load off but they won't allow it. They didn't see any of my 4 for 18 months when covid hit as I wanted to protect them so we juggled it...think they're now making up for lost time xx

She's bloody lucky to have the help off her parents

Agree with this - we have absolutely no family help on either side. If we want a break it's a paid babysitter or nothing. People with any family at all are incredibly lucky.

@Sofiegiraffe

She's bloody lucky to have the help off her parents

Agree with this - we have absolutely no family help on either side. If we want a break it's a paid babysitter or nothing. People with any family at all are incredibly lucky.

This is a bit of a silly approach. I had my first two children in the opposite hemisphere to family so am very familiar with no family help, and now I live near them and it makes a huge difference. It is luck but so is the fact that some people are disabled and some aren’t, etc etc etc you don’t take able bodied parents and say they’re bloody lucky to be able bodied so can’t complain, you don’t look at parents full stop and say you’re bloody lucky to have children at all so can’t complain. Some people do have supportive family who want to help, and that’s fine. They don’t have to be in a permanent state of super grateful because of that.

You sound incredibly lucky to have the parents you have, I have no help with my four.
Unfortunately when you choose to have four kids it undoubtedly causes issues with childcare, I would be so thankful if I had parents like yours, you do sound entitled and like she should do it, when she doesn't even drive to be able to pick them up easily.
You or your partner should get off of work early.

I think you’re being totally unreasonable. You have chosen to have four children and both work full time and yet you seem to be annoyed that some poor sap isn’t prepared to do unpaid childcare to enable your choices. Plus evening babysitting, presumably so you can have evenings out, but not as often as you want and not as late as you want.

Stop asking. Pay for your babysitters. Or accept that you can’t go out so often when you have so many children.

Spend time with your MIL that doesn’t involve her working for you (unpaid). You need to recalibrate this relationship so that it isn’t about her doing your childcare whilst you’re off doing something else, but actually spending time together, like normal families do.

Try reading and you would see that we go to spend every other Sunday at hers. Stop judging offhand a story

Read properly and get a clue. You are clearly not capable of getting the original point

@Rach16785

Read properly and get a clue. You are clearly not capable of getting the original point

The original point is easy. You want childcare. She doesn’t want to do it.

Most of us feel you are being unreasonable. She said No. She was totally reasonable.

Everyone seems to think I'm moaning about childcare. Typical Chinese whispers lost in translation maybe read the initial post

Ah OK good for you. The majority wins but bad need when same majority also can't fathom a situation and runs off with a point that was never the issue

Hang on here. OP isn't asking for regular childcare. She's asking for 45 minutes for two days. That's just two days, not two days a week. ALL other childcare is covered. It's just those two days during half term where there's a gap of 45 minutes.

It's like people are making up a whole different scenario and yelling without listening.

OP, I have no idea why you thought you should persuade your DH to have this relationship that he didn't need or want. Give up on it. Stop expecting what MIL can't give, and moaning about it.

Do your kids have any friends whose mum's you know? Anyone who picks up from holiday club at the same time who might have them for that 45 minutes?

Your issue is with your MIL blaming you for being close to your mum and not helping for what you see as 'only' being 45 mins and for 2 days?

I don't think you clarified the logistics of her collecting them from childcare - would she be walking/driving etc?

She is fully entitled to say no however it does sound like she was being quite mean and nasty about it by getting a dog in about your mum but you also acknowledge that she hasn't always had a great relationship with her son so no surprises there really?

Your post focuses on the childcare you need/request/have from both mothers and further posts focus on how little time it is and for 2 days. So is your issue childcare or how she spoke to you?

As your husband changed his work pattern without thought to childcare and it's his mum - why is he not asking her to do it or sorting it out himself?

Unfortunately your post does focus on the lack of help you think you are getting for this period of childcare and you have told us how often they all provide childcare for you. The issue seems to be childcare imo

That should say dig. Not dog.

Also are you unable to finish work early those days?

Sorry ignore what I said about your husband asking Iv just realised he was the one who asked and she came back with that remark.

I'm struggling to see the problem you have with her to be honest.? She was a shit Mum to your DH and now it appears she is also a shit Mum to you/your other children.
I'm amazed you are both surprised?

@Rach16785

We are literally only asking for 45 minutes for 2 days in half term!!

So just hire a babysitter!

@saraclara

Hang on here. OP isn't asking for regular childcare. She's asking for 45 minutes for two days. That's just two days, not two days a week. ALL other childcare is covered. It's just those two days during half term where there's a gap of 45 minutes.

It's like people are making up a whole different scenario and yelling without listening.

OP, I have no idea why you thought you should persuade your DH to have this relationship that he didn't need or want. Give up on it. Stop expecting what MIL can't give, and moaning about it.

Do your kids have any friends whose mum's you know? Anyone who picks up from holiday club at the same time who might have them for that 45 minutes?

It doesn't matter. Her MIL said no, which is fine. It was a request and she got her answer. Now OP and her husband need to think of someone else. A friend, a baby sitter, a school mum, a playdate, whatever.

Of course she's not being unreasonable to not be able or willing to provide free childcare to your children when it's not convenient for her??