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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in Law

127 replies

Rach16785 · 25/10/2021 22:23

So my mother in law has not been the best mother to my dh. His parents divorced at 15 and he moved in with his Dad. Since we got together 8 years ago I encouraged a relationship with his Mum which he now has (he's now 38). We have 4 young children and she barely does anything to help, if we ask for a babysitter she'll say yes but be home by 9pm as this suits her new boyfriend and she only agrees to this once every 3 months if we're lucky. My parents have my younger children on Mon and Tues as we both work full-time so we don't take this for granted. This weekly parents are not only having the 3 Yr old and 6 month old but also our 4 and 5 year old as its half term. The elder 2 are in holiday club Wed and Thurs and as dh had just started his new job he is unsure of finish time. I finish at half 5 and holiday club finishes at half 4. To help for the 2 days he has asked his mum (who only works until half 2) if as a back up she could collect the kids. She doesn't drive so has basically said no and I've seen a message she sent to him saying 'she should have thought about this but all she cares about is being close to her parents'. Basically blaming me. I'm furious and expect him to have my back. My choice of house is nothing to do with where my parents are but a choice of the best area. My mil lives in a rough area. Opinions more than welcome

OP posts:

whispamint · 25/10/2021 22:48

I'm sorry about your dad but think it's crazy that you would expect him to look after a baby, toddler & 2 other young children. I couldn't cope with that many!

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 22:49

That's his grandchildren I bet there's not 4 of them from the ages of 6 months to 5.

Barton10 · 25/10/2021 22:49

You chose to have four children it is a lot to ask people to look after them. I wouldn’t want to babysit either. Your kids your job to look after them.

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 22:50

I actually think your a CF and taking advantage massively of your parents especially your df who you say isn't in good health.

whispamint · 25/10/2021 22:50

She has a partner and they are always taking care of his grandchildren. He drives and could drop take them to ours for when my dh is home

This is why you are coming across entitled.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2021 22:50

Stop doing her partner favours.

ittakes2 · 25/10/2021 22:51

I am sorry it was your choice to have 4 young children - her own son didn't live with her I am not sure why you thought she was going to or should help you.

tofuschnitzel · 25/10/2021 22:51

Could your Dad collect your children in a taxi?

Original poster

Rach16785 · 25/10/2021 22:51

That's what we always did. But DH has decided he wants to work days. My parents help out for him to do that but his won't which is very frustrating. I used to walk in at half 4 and he would go straight to work. He refuses to do that anymore and my point is his mother therefore shouldn't blame me when we need additional support

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 22:53

This reminds me of the thread about the 90 year old grandmother who was doing childcare for a baby and toddler and whilst the op had a day to herself upstairs to rest,the sense of entitlement was alarming as it is in ops threads. They are your children you choose to have them.

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 22:55

Surely you speak to people about helping out with childcare or seek childcare that covers the working day before taking a new job?

whispamint · 25/10/2021 23:00

Why can't you pay for additional support?

freelions · 25/10/2021 23:00

It sounds like your relationship with MIL and your own parents is very much based around what they are prepared to do to help you out with childcare.

Do you do anything for them?

whispamint · 25/10/2021 23:02

This reminds me of the thread about the 90 year old grandmother who was doing childcare for a baby and toddler

really? that's crazy. I have help from mum & mil which is often at odds with MNs but I would never expect a 90 yr old to deal sign that much stress.

Patapouf · 25/10/2021 23:04

She doesn't owe you childcare and she doesn't owe you anything just because you think you are responsible for restoring her relationship with her son.

Why don't you have better childcare arrangements?

Original poster

Rach16785 · 25/10/2021 23:05

We do. We pay for nursery and after school all week and holiday club. Holiday club ends 45 minutes before I finish work that's all we are asking for. 45 minutes
People can't seem to read it properly

OP posts:

TheBlackArt · 25/10/2021 23:05

@Barton10

You chose to have four children it is a lot to ask people to look after them. I wouldn’t want to babysit either. Your kids your job to look after them.

Couldn't agree more.

sisteract21 · 25/10/2021 23:05

Do you have an agreement or employ either set of parents for childcare in an official capacity? Working full time with children is hard. Especially 4.

I have one child and have managed to stay full time only due to working from home. Otherwise I'd have went part time. We use holiday clubs if we can and take time off for childcare if that doesn't work. We don't have any help for childcare but if we did have a Grandparent helping I wouldn't expect them to be so involved unless it was an employment type agreement

Original poster

Rach16785 · 25/10/2021 23:06

We do. We cover it all week every week and pay for that..unfortunately holiday club finishes 45 minutes before I tonight work and that's the only help we ask for. Not sure how that's unreasonable

OP posts:

whispamint · 25/10/2021 23:07

We do. We pay for nursery and after school all week and holiday club. Holiday club ends 45 minutes before I finish work that's all we are asking for. 45 minutes
People can't seem to read it properly

No, you are paying for some childcare. If childcare finishes before you are out of work you need more childcare

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 23:09

Go part time, one of you need to alter your hours to accommodate your dc, it's your issue. Your childcare obviously doesn't cover your hours properly.

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 23:10

Surely your on mat leav? You also have your dp having your 3year old and 6 month baby.

whispamint · 25/10/2021 23:10

Not sure how that's unreasonable

It is unreasonable to be annoyed that someone who doesn't drive doesn't want to pick up 2 small dc & take them home. It's ok for your mil to decline.

Original poster

Rach16785 · 25/10/2021 23:11

We are literally only asking for 45 minutes for 2 days in half term!!

OP posts:

sisteract21 · 25/10/2021 23:12

@Rach16785

We do. We cover it all week every week and pay for that..unfortunately holiday club finishes 45 minutes before I tonight work and that's the only help we ask for. Not sure how that's unreasonable

Not saying that a request to help is unreasonable but you keep saying it is only 45 mins and not a lot - if it's not a lot why can't you finish work early to provide care for your children when the paid childcare ends?

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