Mother in Law

[Rach16785]

So my mother in law has not been the best mother to my dh. His parents divorced at 15 and he moved in with his Dad. Since we got together 8 years ago I encouraged a relationship with his Mum which he now has (he's now 38). We have 4 young children and she barely does anything to help, if we ask for a babysitter she'll say yes but be home by 9pm as this suits her new boyfriend and she only agrees to this once every 3 months if we're lucky. My parents have my younger children on Mon and Tues as we both work full-time so we don't take this for granted. This weekly parents are not only having the 3 Yr old and 6 month old but also our 4 and 5 year old as its half term. The elder 2 are in holiday club Wed and Thurs and as dh had just started his new job he is unsure of finish time. I finish at half 5 and holiday club finishes at half 4. To help for the 2 days he has asked his mum (who only works until half 2) if as a back up she could collect the kids. She doesn't drive so has basically said no and I've seen a message she sent to him saying 'she should have thought about this but all she cares about is being close to her parents'. Basically blaming me. I'm furious and expect him to have my back. My choice of house is nothing to do with where my parents are but a choice of the best area. My mil lives in a rough area. Opinions more than welcome

OP, try to see it from your MIL point of view why should she interrupt her day twice a week walking there and back with kids in tow just to give you 45mins child care? Have you offered to pay for the taxi?
It would save her DP having to subsidise your childcare pick up.

As you are concerned about her response blaming you in a message to your DH about your house location then correct her and tell her DH has decided to change his working pattern and that's the reason. Use that as your opening gambit.

I note you say MIL 'barely does anything to help' yet she gives you a break by babysitting until 9pm every three months. That is not barely anything. That is a lot for someone looking after 4 kids and who doesn't drive.

It may be only 45mins twice a week in the half term hols as far as you're concerned but that does not work for her. You did choose 4 kids. Have your parents always been so involved in assisting you?
It may be appreciated by you, become the norm even but it does not entitle you to 45mins from your MIL she has her own life.

Hi @Rach16785 probably best not start a late thread as people seem to read and interpret what they want.

I thin your q for aibu was if your dh should have your back when she texted what she did - Yanbu

Further you gave some background as to what request was and made it clear you don't ask too much of her and accommodate her wishes by babysitting only till.9pm occasionally and saying she will babysit her bf children. therefore trying to say you don't expect to then be insulted via text for enquiring about a favour for 45 min each day for 2 days.

So yes she is being unreasonable to talk like that about you when it doesn't appear she cares much about helping dh even occasionally.

@Rach16785

The childcare thing is not the issue I agree with that it's not an entitlement. The way she addresses it is more what I'm seeking opinions on..

then why all the childcare detail?

I think MIL sees straight through you.

@Rach16785

Everyone seems to think I'm moaning about childcare. Typical Chinese whispers lost in translation maybe read the initial post

Out of 283 words in your initial post only 12 of them were about your alleged 'real issue'. The remaining 271 were moaning about childcare and how useless your MIL.

If you want posters to comment on something in particular then you need to be clear about that.

I don't know if your DH had your back or not as you didn't say, you only said what you read in your MIL's message.

So you don’t like your MIL and she’s a cow for not doing childcare for you. Whatever.

1 why did you "encourage" a relationship with the mother who you admit has not been the best mother to my dh and didn't live with him from the age of 15?

2 agree she does NOT owe you childcare! Nor do your own parents

Your parents have care of 4 children inc a baby this week?! How many days and how long for?

I hope you're suitably appreciative and show it! And don't expect this regularly/long term!

I suspect the way she addresses it is a response to how she was asked!

We both work full time

In that case - you organise and PAY FOR childcare inc in the holidays to cover all the hours you're (plural) unavailable like everyone else!

Your poor father not 6 months on from a seizure and you're piling this on him?!

Have you any idea how EXHAUSTING it is caring for young dc like this when you're older yourself?

I actually think your a CF and taking advantage massively of your parents especially your df who you say isn't in good health.

I have to say I agree!

I have seen such setups in my close family and the grandparents say they "don't mind" when actually I know for a FACT they are knackered!

It's affecting their health

The parents of the dc don't give them a PENNY towards the out of pocket costs (the grandparents concerned are comfortably off and again say they "don't mind" but I still think it's a piss take! Especially when those costs have included things like nappies that are bloody expensive! PLUS there's the fact the grandparents have often had to shop last minute for things for the kids because the parents have failed to provide necessities!)

The grandparents have also ended up paying more for their own holidays as they daren't book in term time when it's cheaper!

But DH has decided he wants to work days

Arguably then HE should have looked into and arranged childcare first BEFORE changing his hours. But am I right in thinking he changed cos he was knackered working nights full time AND caring for all those dc in the day time?

I'm generally not judgey about larger families as each to their own BUT you don't have a larger family and expect others to pick up the slack when you don't bother to organise yourselves as the parents of those dc!

that's all we are asking for. 45 minutes

But it's NOT just 45 mins is it? It's pick up and drop offs, it's caring for very young dc at an age where doing so is very physical and very demanding (I'm an ex nanny and childminder so I'm well aware)

If you (plural both parents) wanted to make these changes that meant you can no longer cover that "only 45 mins" then you should have sorted paid for childcare and not EXPECTED other relatives to step in!

There's a phrase at least one of these people should be saying to you :

Your failure to prepare is not my emergency!

Not sure how that's unreasonable

Yea you genuinely don't see it do you? Weird

Your kids, your responsibility to ensure childcare is covered and NOT by presuming others will step up because you're poorly organised!

If it's only an issue in this holiday and dh is in a new job you should have taken time off! Or if your employers are more flexible perhaps arranged different hours or 2 afternoons off just or something.

I raised dd as a single mum, childcare availability meant I had to limit the jobs I could do as I had to account for not only childcare hours but also commuting time etc

That's what the rest of us do!

Ok to ask for help in a genuine emergency (like transport breaking down that kinda thing) but not reasonable to EXPECT others to help purely because the situation has been caused by your (plural) failure to plan properly!

This is not a genuine emergency yet it sounds like you left it to the last min - maybe cos you ASSUMED someone would help you out for free and without complaint! ?

Some of us can't afford mat leave for 9 months.

Again, generally speaking I'm sympathetic if eg circumstances are outwith someone's control, but quite honestly I suspect this IS a case of you CHOSE to have children that you couldn't afford at the time of planning them but went ahead anyway!

Yes my circumstances were tight/difficult raising dd but when I was still married and planning dd we looked at all the financial ramifications we could at that time and wouldn't have gone ahead if we couldn't afford it.

There seems to be no sense of accountability or planning or preparation but a lot of entitlement and presumption!

@Rach16785

That's what we always did. But DH has decided he wants to work days. My parents help out for him to do that but his won't which is very frustrating. I used to walk in at half 4 and he would go straight to work. He refuses to do that anymore and my point is his mother therefore shouldn't blame me when we need additional support

So you and your partner’s reproductive and work choices are heavily impacting on your parents. As for your partner’s parents, they won’t help you out which is very frustrating.

Your and your partner have produced 4 kids and are expecting family to look after them for free. His parents did their child rearing already and as much as his mother was rude, they don’t want to help out. Their choice.

You are rude for expecting help in the first instance and being frustrated when told no.

Your poor parents. I feel very sorry for them.

Wtf do you think single parents do or those, who have no help locally?

@Rach16785

Some of us can't afford mat leave for 9 months. I have Christmas off every year and school hols covered, this half term was an anomaly with dh starting a new job.

Well you know the score around mat leave and are still choosing to keep having kids.

I don’t think I’d ask my parents or PIL for free childcare unless they offered tbh. In your scenario where I needed to finish earlier I would arrange it with my employer or DH so one of us could do it. I get the impression it’s just for the school holidays? If so I’d organise with work or independent babysitter etc. I don’t yet have kids in this situation so maybe I’m underestimating the strain of it all but seems stressful to me to use family for childcare when you ‘need’ it rather than yourselves or paid for help. She’s obvs not really keen so I’d put some distance and leave her be xox

This was a tad convoluted to follow but...

I agree that your MIL's comment about your parents was unfair as you were the one who encouraged your DH to extend a relationship toward his mom. So, it's untrue that "all [you] care about" is being close to your parents; you obviously cared about your DH being close to his mother.

I don't totally agree that DH should have your back about the relationship with his mother. If it wasn't for your "encouragement", there would not be a relationship with your MIL to cause the issue in the first place. You should have had his back by accepting his (inferrable) NC with his mom. If you let the MIL relationship revert to its natural state (of NC/LC) you'd all be happier (except, perhaps, your MIL).

TL;DR you aren't unreasonable to be furious about the comment but it seems that you initiated the original chain of events that led up to the current situation. GL finding a childcare solution for the 90 minutes you need.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why did you encourage him to have a relationship with her when he was happy enough not having much of one? He knows her much better than you do, you should have trusted him.

As it is, she’s doing plenty of free childcare for you. You’re blindingly lucky to have so much support from both sets of parents, do you realise that?

She isn’t obliged to help you this time or any other time. It doesn’t sound like you’re close and you don’t seem to like each other much. So step back, don’t ask for favours, be grateful if they’re offered, leave his relationship with her to him.

100%

I have 3 children. Youngest is 6 and disabled. We have absolutely zero help from either set of our parents despite them living locally. 1 can't physically help and the others don't want to and that is absolutely their right
You're luckier than you realise OP.

she barely does anything to help

And there's your problem, OP. Not your mil, but your own expectation that your dh's mother should share some of your burden. Stop having such ideas and you'll feel a lot better.

A 6m, 3,4 and 5 year old - I'd say no too. It's a bit much to expect. You sound so judgemental about her. These MIL moans are always the same

If you chose to have 4 kids ridiculously close together I don't think you can be surprised when people don't want to help. It's utterly mad.

Everyone seems to think I'm moaning about childcare.

Are you saying you haven't moaned about that? 🤔

Typical Chinese whispers lost in translation maybe read the initial post

see above

We are literally only asking for 45 minutes for 2 days in half term!!

The fact you can't comprehend that the above is not a big deal is odd.

His mother had a history of having difficulty with relationships. You can accept that or feed into the drama.
It's more trouble and mentally draining for you two to expect her to behave like your parents. She's not like them, she's different. She responds to demands differently because of her own issues with control going back many years.
Can you ask a friend who can do the lift instead rather than escalate the drama around this.
How much your parents help out is utterly irrelevant to what she 'should' do. That doesn't come into it.

I think you are ooo for expecting your mil to be delighted to provide childcare for four children.

That’s hard going. My MIL sounds very similar. If she doesn’t feel like doing something then she just won’t do it! She has no urge to help out - ever. I haven’t read other replies, sorry : but I would just not involve her if at all possible. Too much of a headache. She sounds unreliable anyway and could let you down at the last minute. Is there another mum who could help for those 45 mins? Or could you finish work early two days and WFH? Best of luck with this juggling act, it’s not easy, but it’s not forever. You’re doing a great job

“ my point is his mother therefore shouldn't blame me when we need additional support”

I think everyone else’s point is that you shouldn’t be expecting additional support for bog standard childcare arrangements in the first place!

"Read properly and get a clue. You are clearly not capable of getting the original point"

I think the problem may be your huge wall of rambling text in your op. Maybe you should write properly.....

They’re your kids you shouldn’t expect someone else to look after them. I have a 3 year old and my mum who works two days a week and lives round the corner hasn’t had him once, even for an hour. Yes I’m upset about that because it would be nice if she had a bond with him and also for emergencies so he wouldn’t be shocked if he stayed with her but I’ve had to get over it. My MIL I wouldn’t trust with him as she’s too ditzy. He’s stayed with my sister once so that’s one night my husband and I have spent together without our son in 3 years!

Think yourself very lucky your parents help.

Sounds super tough, OP! Good on you working hard to look after your kids. It sounds like you have lovely parents. Focus on them and forget about your MIL - how does your DP feel about her now? I dont think I would want to give up a precious fortnightly Sunday seeing her anymore tbh...

Childcare and managing clubs is the worst. Sounds like you have a fair few years of it yet. Not sure how you afford it, so expensive too :(

Good luck and take care.

Your MiL works until 2:30 and doesn’t drive?
YABVU