Wedding guests

[Neapwind]

My granddaughter is getting married and only has one female cousin. She is not inviting her to the wedding as she is only 11 and they want NO children there. This has hurt me and surely one little girl who thinks she is going to the wedding will be very upset. Asking her to be a flower girl would be wonderful.
Other peoples thoughts please.

It's also not disablist to be very sad about a new diagnosis of autism @tigerinyourtank

I've spent a 40 year career in autism. Maybe I should tell the very many parents who've sobbed in my presence (sometimes many years after the diagnosis), that they shouldn't be sad about or for their child

Autism affects people and families in many different ways, depending on the severity and the type. You must know that. Have some empathy for OP.

@Neapwind

I am not asking them to get my granddaughter to be a bridesmaid. This means I cannot go to the wedding as my daughter and husband will go so I will need to look after GD as she is mildly autistic and will only stay with me or her parents. Sorry Mumsnet for asking this question but some of the replies were unnecessary. I

I can understand why you would expect your on,y other grandchild to be at the wedding, if the bride only has 1 cousin, I have over 40 first cousins, if I were to get married it would inevitable some wouldn’t make the cut.

But sorry, I don’t understand why YOU would be one missing your own granddaughters wedding to look after the other child? It’s your granddaughters wedding! One of the child’s parents (the one not directly related to the bride) should be staying home to look after her!!

@Neapwind

Thank you for all your replies although some were strange. My husband and I will have a mini wedding with granddaughter while we look after her. Her own parents will be at the main wedding.

Please do not do this. Because it is you making the day all about the 11 year old, rather than the bride. And that is awful. Doing this deliberately sends a very clear message about your priorities when it comes to your granddaughters and which one is the obvious favourite. It is very cruel. Why isnt the child’s parent staying with her, so you and your child (the other parent)can attend the wedding together? Put your hurt aside and think of the bride. Don’t be tempted to retaliate. This is the biggest day of her life and you are making it all about your favoured grandchild instead. What does the bride’s parent (ie your child) think of your plan?

Why does she think she’s going, who told her so?

This ^
Of course YABU.
Perfectly reasonable for the B&G to have a childfree wedding.
Perfectly reasonable for a cousin not to be invited - as I presume there is a significant age gap and the cousin's aren't close. Most weddings have to limit numbers, and most B&Gs would probably rather invite a good friend than a cousin they possibly don't have much to do with.

Martyring yourself is not a good thing to do, and never a good plan to show favouritism to one Grandchild over another.
You have said she has no behavioural issues and just goes a little quiet around people she doesn't know. There is nothing in that sentence that shouts that you are the "only people that could look after her" - I am sure her parents can find another solution whilst you attend your DGD's wedding, and they attend their DN's wedding. If they really can't (really?) then one of them will stay with her, and perhaps rethink the decisions they have taken in life that mean they have no-one an 11 yr old well behaved child can stay with.

@saraclara

It's also not disablist to be very sad about a new diagnosis of autism *@tigerinyourtank*

I've spent a 40 year career in autism. Maybe I should tell the very many parents who've sobbed in my presence (sometimes many years after the diagnosis), that they shouldn't be sad about or for their child

Autism affects people and families in many different ways, depending on the severity and the type. You must know that. Have some empathy for OP.

She isn't a parent.

She's referred to a diagnosis of 'mild autism' (whatever that is) and then decided she's 'very sad' to the point that it requires her to hijack a family member's wedding over it.

Pull the other one.

@Neapwind

I am not asking them to get my granddaughter to be a bridesmaid. This means I cannot go to the wedding as my daughter and husband will go so I will need to look after GD as she is mildly autistic and will only stay with me or her parents. Sorry Mumsnet for asking this question but some of the replies were unnecessary. I

Well surely her dad stays behind with her her and you go to your grand daughters wedding. I am afraid this smacks of cutting off your nose to spite your face and/or a way to punish your granddaughter for jot wanting children at her wedding.

YANBU at all OP. I really don’t like nor understand the reason for the idea of child-free weddings. To me, a wedding should be a joyous occasion, a celebration for the whole family to share in. Excluding children strikes me as pretty miserable, like people are more concerned about image than inclusion. Many children love weddings, and can’t understand why they would be excluded.

You sound like a lovely DGM, and it’s really kind of you to offer to miss the wedding to look after your DGD. Shame not everyone is as nice as you. And that includes many of the people commenting on this thread.

@Neapwind “My husband and I will have a mini wedding with granddaughter while we look after her. Her own parents will be at the main wedding.”

Your granddaughter getting married is going to be very hurt that both grandparents have chosen, and it is a choice, to babysit her cousin rather than come to her wedding. Especially when you can babysit anytime and a wedding is a rare special life event. The child’s parent not related to the bride is perfectly capable of looking after them on the day of the wedding and you can babysit your granddaughter (and do your mini wedding idea) on any/all of the other 51 weekends in the year.

The autism diagnosis is a completely separate issue and should not be muddled up with the wedding arrangements. Although the diagnosis is new, it doesn’t change who your younger granddaughter is.

You are too old to have tantrums!

Be honest. You love your younger granddaughter more than your older one.

The autistic granddaughter doesn’t need you to console her about not going to the wedding when one of her parents can.

You are purposely punishing your granddaughter by CHOSING not to go to her wedding because you feel slighted.

I’m not sure if I could forgive my grandma If she did this to me (not that she would)!

YABVU- you have absolutely no right to tell a bride or groom who to invite to their own wedding. You do, however, have a right to feel upset/angry/frustrated at their decisions around their wedding planning but ultimately that’s your problem- not theirs.

I am so confused as to why you think an 11yo (in secondary school?!) would want to play “mini wedding”?
I have a just turned 12yo who would be WTF if I suggested something so daft.

“Main wedding” my ass. I can’t believe you’re going to miss your granddaughters wedding to babysit. The 11yos parents can find another babysitter who isn’t going to the wedding.

*She isn't a parent.

She's referred to a diagnosis of 'mild autism' (whatever that is) and then decided she's 'very sad' to the point that it requires her to hijack a family member's wedding over it.

Pull the other one*

I agree with @tigerinyourtank. A diagnosis of autism is an adjustment and can be a lot to absorb. However, as Tiger and PP have observed, the OP seems to be making this wedding about her own needs and wailing about the diagnosis of autism.

From the OP's description of "mild" autism - which isn't a thing by the way - and no behavioural problems there's no associated learning difficulties. Yes, autism can have devastating consequences when there is associated cognitive impairment but that isn't the case here.

I'm autistic and my DC are both autistic. We don't need pity and I don't think hand-wringing over a diagnosis is fair on anyone. I'd suggest OP learns a bit more about autism because her description and ideas sound very out of date. Perhaps if she was more informed she wouldn't be so utterly devastated and worried. Many autistic people lead fulfilling, happy lives - some of us even manage to pass for one of you normal folk, there's more of us than you might think... 😘

Is it a shame that the 11yr old can't attend? Of course. And if she was expecting to go she'll be disappointed. I feel for her, of course I do. But at the same time, the granddaughter is entirely free to have the wedding she wants. Maybe others have asked to bring their DC and she's told them it's a child-free wedding - once you allow one child to attend, you start causing problems with other guests.

Autistic children normally do quite well with facts which are clearcut and easy to understand. There are no other children at this wedding, so that's the only reason she can't go. Very black and white. Also, as a softener, could you suggest to granddaughter that you do a separate wedding meal that the little girl could go to?

What's needed here are solutions and unemotional explanations rather than reinforcing the idea that this is all so unfair.

[quote Crunchymum]@HoundofHades

What kind of nasty bastard excludes a step child from their wedding.

Your DD should be utterly ashamed of herself.[/quote]
The kind that marries a man who "couldn't give two shits" about whether his daughter is invited.

Does the couple know this means you can’t go? Are there really no other options for caring for an 11yo? If just diagnosed I assume she’s been going to school for 6 years which doesn’t exactly align with there is no one else in the world her parents could leave her with. Based on what you’ve said I would think hmm they should find a qualified nanny or two who do casual babysitting (ideally starting many years ago), let her get to know them and then life would be simpler, and also probably think her parents and grandparents are choosing to take a martyr approach, but I’m not going to structure my wedding around that which is fair enough.
Maybe I’m wrong, and maybe it’s impossible for anyone to take care of her and she has never gone to school. In which case just her being quiet is not the main sign of her autism and she has also been severely let down by the system if only diagnosed now.

I haven't read every response. I have read everything OP has written.
I understand your sadness OP.
I think it's really sad that children are excluded from such a fun, exciting and positive life event. And I don't understand why.
If it's for financial reasons that makes sense but I'd rather cut back on a bouquet of flowers and that would cover a few kids fish and chips.
When we got married we invited all kids and left it up to their parents. We had no kids at the time. I love kids at a wedding. They're so excited and happy and first to get everyone up and dancing!! If people don't want to take their kids that's fine. Excluding children I find odd. (And no I'm not an Earth mother. I find having kids hard. Love them. The life change is a challenge)

It’s not what you want. It’s not your wedding though. What does your child (brides mum or dad) think about this. You’re being really unfair here. It’s doubtful your relationship will recover but honestly you don’t sound too bothered. Do you treat them equally normally or is 11 year old your favourite?

Find it hard to understand why it’s you that cannot go and not the 11 yo’s actual parents?

Really- should be her father - who isn’t related to the bride - who stays home. Sure best thing is he plans a lovely father / daughter say with her that has nothing to do with weddings. To take her mind off it. A mini wedding at home - and being looked after by someone who is upset about it all - is the last thing that should happen.

Sorry, but YABVU. The wedding couple made this rule and it’s their prerogative, not yours. Stop feeling hurt and accept it. This is an easy one.

The general consensus on mumsnet is that you can be as big of a bitch as you want because it’s “your day”. There’s not usually much here in the way of treating people nicely, not hurt fully leaving people out, etc etc. Because it’s “your day”

I think you going to refuse to emotionally blackmail your bride grand daughter. I think if you even suggest that you won’t be going so that you can babysit, you could be jeopardising your relationship with your older grand daughter for ever.

You could also ruin any relationship with the parents of the bride too. Think carefully before you create this drama, it might very well come back to bite you!

YABU. It's not your wedding, and you don't control the guest list. More importantly, why does the 11-year-old think she's going to the wedding? That's the fault of whomever led her to believe that. This can't be the first her parents have ever heard of a childfree wedding, so what kind of idiot would not only assume their child was invited without checking, but tell the child she was invited? (Spoiler: someone who doesn't give a toss about their child's feelings, but is hoping the bride does, and will make an exception "because my little angel is just so upset" so they won't have to pay for childcare.)

If her autism doesn't affect her behaviour, and the only manifestation is that she's "quiet," why can't she be left with someone other than her parents or yourself for a few hours? I think we all know what the answer is, and the bride understandably doesn't want her cousin to ruin her wedding. I'm not sure which is worse: the fact that you think it's fine to try to force her into risking that by giving her an ultimatum about your own attendance, or the fact that you're utterly unconcerned about how your your autistic granddaughter who "can't" be left with anyone outside her immediate family would be affected by all the chaos.

Also, child free weddings are usually pretty joyless affairs, and it’s not even reasonable to count an 11 year old as a child. Surely the child free thing is because people don’t want unnecessary noise, not because they don’t even want to SEE an under 18 anywhere in the vicinity. It’s bizarre not to invite her either way

I am very sorry you have had this shock and are so upset at the moment, but I think you should go to the wedding, as should your husband and daughter. Your 11-year-old granddaughter's dad needs to care for her for that day. It will cause division in the family if you don't go imo.

After that you can spend lots of time with your young granddaughter and have some special treat days.

I agree it would be better if the 11-year-old could go too if she wished, but, unfortunately, that isn't your decision to make. Maybe there are lots of children on the groom's side and they can't all be included? There's every chance, too, that your older granddaughter doesn't realise the impact of her decision, as most children could be left with a babysitter or friends at that age. Of course, it can be very different if a child has autism (depending on the child), but the bride may not have the experience to know that, and may not realise that an adult family member has to miss the wedding as well.

Crowds and new situations can be difficult for many people with autism, so it's not a given that the day would be stress-free even if your young granddaughter could go. That's not to say it shouldn't be attempted, she may have really enjoyed it, but careful planning and back-up or retreat plans are always needed in my experience.

Hope everything works out OP.

@HoundofHades you should be utterly ashamed of your daughter and SIL for leaving his daughter out of their wedding. Not showing off about how cold and heartless they are here