@LizzieAnt
If DGD's condition is such that it's unthinkable to leave her with anyone other than her parents or grandma, then no matter her fuckwitted parent have led her to believe, she won't "love" the ceremony and will inevitably have a meltdown at the reception (if not before).
Reading between the lines there, I think it's likely that they don't want her there because they know she'll be disruptive. In a harmful way, not a "joyful" way.
Do you have much experience of ASD PurpleOkapi?
It's entirely possible the 11-year-old wouldn't be at all disruptive.
She may struggle, yes. That doesn't necessarily mean she'll have public meltdowns. Everyone with autism is different and I'm sure the OP knows her granddaughter better than you. I think you may be reading too much between those lines.
There are reasons other than disruptive behaviour that can make care by family members, rather than a babysitter, a necessity (anxiety, for example).
Even if someone with autism does struggle a lot in a setting such as a party or wedding, that doesn't automatically mean they would prefer not to attend. With careful planning (by the parents in this case, not the bride and groom) and with certain accommodations everyone can have a good time.
It's called inclusion.
That said, the guest list is up to the bride and groom of course, but I really hope they're not excluding a young girl for the reasons you describe.
Yes. Have you? How many people with ASD do you know who simply
can't be left in their own home with anyone other than their parents, but would be perfectly fine at a typical wedding and reception? That isn't common, to put it mildly. Either she could be left with someone else if the parents wanted to go that route and grandma is just inventing reasons not to attend in an attempt to force the bride's hand, or the child is effectively guaranteed to have a meltdown at that wedding. I've seen more than enough full-on meltdowns to understand why no one wants that at their wedding. It's not like a toddler crying where they've usually forgotten about it and are perfectly happy five minutes later.
The problem isn't necessarily that she might "struggle" in that setting. It's not even that by using "struggling" as a very transparent euphemism for "completely ruining everyone else's experience," you're attempting to shift the burden from herself and her parents to ensure appropriate behavior, onto everyone else to tolerate whatever happens because she's just "struggling." It's that her parents clearly don't view her "struggling" as anything they need to inconvenience themselves by attempting to address or avoid.
These are the parents who told her she was invited without bothering to check - clearly they aren't too concerned about her feelings, or anyone else's. And grandma thinks the child should be a flower girl. It's apparently assumed that the bride should just rearrange her ceremony in whatever manner is needed to make having a flower girl with ASD more likely - but far from guaranteed! - to not be a disaster.
They're the bride's relatives, and the child is 11, so the bride probably knows this about them. There's a good chance things would have been different if the parents could be trusted to remove her from the situation when it started to become too much for her. This is also true of neurotypical children. I have relatives who can be trusted to promptly remove screaming babies and properly supervise older children, and relatives who can be relied upon to do neither. Guess which families I invite to things more often?
No one is obligated to include anyone, of any age, who can't be trusted to behave in a way that isn't disruptive. That's not limited to children, or to people with ASD. It also applies to ex-spouses who can't be in the same room without causing drama, alcoholics who've been known to pass out on the dance floor, etc. Whether those individuals would prefer to attend, or why they behave the way they do, is irrelevant. One could argue that attending isn't good for them, but that too is irrelevant. Those things are irrelevant because the event isn't about their wants, needs, or best interests. It's about the couple and how they choose to celebrate their day.