Page 14 | Wedding guests

Neapwind · 2021-10-25T18:32:28+00:00

My granddaughter is getting married and only has one female cousin. She is not inviting her to the wedding as she is only 11 and they want NO children there. This has hurt me and surely one little girl who thinks she is going to the wedding will be very upset. Asking her to be a flower girl would be wonderful. Other peoples thoughts please.

Ginger1982 · 27/10/2021 10:24

I had no kids at my wedding but my nephews and nieces were all included as family. I don't see the harm in inviting one child relative. But, as others have said, it's their wedding.

Hathertonhariden · 27/10/2021 10:26

OK- missed that, but it's still a kind thing to do to enable the couple to attend when they rarely get the opportunity to go to an event as a couple.

MaggieFS · 27/10/2021 10:39

@Hathertonhariden

OK- missed that, but it's still a kind thing to do to enable the couple to attend when they rarely get the opportunity to go to an event as a couple.

It's very kind. Why the OP has to do it for that specific day when she could presumably do any other date though is beyond me.

Hathertonhariden · 27/10/2021 10:43

@MaggieFS - because it's a special occasion and she doesn't want her dd to miss out as well as dgd? It's not the same as giving them a bog standard weekend off from childcare

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2021 10:50

[quote Hathertonhariden]@MaggieFS - because it's a special occasion and she doesn't want her dd to miss out as well as dgd? It's not the same as giving them a bog standard weekend off from childcare[/quote]
That is making the wedding all about one child and one granddaughter, while ignoring the other child (brides parent) and the other granddaughter, who is actually the bride.
And that’s more than a little perverse.

Hathertonhariden · 27/10/2021 11:05

@TrashyPanda - but that works both ways and will equally build future resentment from the excluded half of the family. It's a no win situation

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2021 11:35

[quote Hathertonhariden]@TrashyPanda - but that works both ways and will equally build future resentment from the excluded half of the family. It's a no win situation[/quote]
It’s 1 child from 1/4 of the bridal couple’s extended family. We have no idea about the other 3/4, which might include 20 children. Would you think it was fair to invite this one child and not the other 20?

Making one child your main focus of your granddaughters wedding, rather than the bridal couple, is perverse. Refusing to and using this child as an excuse is almost guaranteed to cause great upset and possibly irreparable division.

It’s clear who is the favourite granddaughter. Maybe the bride has had years of this favouritism and wants her wedding to be about her, not her cousin?

Derbee · 27/10/2021 12:29

@TrashyPanda why are you so obtuse? The OP has already explained that the child being left out is BRIDE’S ONLY COUSIN. Most people could use their bloody judgement and their brains.

If there are 20 children on the bride’s other side of the family, it doesn’t mean inviting 21 children. It means inviting the ONE child on ONE side of the family who is the ONLY person being excluded.

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2021 12:51

[quote Derbee]@TrashyPanda why are you so obtuse? The OP has already explained that the child being left out is BRIDE’S ONLY COUSIN. Most people could use their bloody judgement and their brains.

If there are 20 children on the bride’s other side of the family, it doesn’t mean inviting 21 children. It means inviting the ONE child on ONE side of the family who is the ONLY person being excluded.[/quote]
Not obtuse at.

Just pointing out there is a good possibility there are cousins on the grooms side. Who are no less important than the 11 year old. It is not hard to understand.

Why should the no children rule apply to everyone but this child? The fact she is the brides only cousin is irrelevant.

It would be mad to say “oh, the other 20 don’t count, because they are from the other side of the family”. It’s totally crazy!

There is a “no children” decision by the bride and groom. That is their choice. It isn’t mean just because this girl is a child.

You think an exception should be made and this child treated differently from every other child. The bride and groom clearly don’t.

Derbee · 27/10/2021 12:59

@TrashyPanda I do think an exception should be made when it is only one person being left out on any side of the family. You clearly think excluding an 11 year old is fine. As do the bride and groom.

It doesn’t mean that your opinion, and the bride and grooms opinion is correct. I agree with the grandparent. Opinions and decisions have consequences. If the bride and grooms opinion means that a grandparent doesn’t attend the wedding, so be it.

No point arguing, people are entitled to their opinions. If you choose to exclude one child in on side of the family, and it hurts feelings, and some people don’t attend, it’s merely a natural consequence to your actions.

Everyone is entitled to make the correct decision for them. Not sure what’s difficult to understand

TractorAndHeadphones · 27/10/2021 13:03

@Derbee so what’s an acceptable number before it’s not deemed ‘excluding’ anybody but just no child rule? 2? 10?

Derbee · 27/10/2021 13:13

It’s really not hard

Derbee · 27/10/2021 13:15

1 person has been left out. Not the 2 or 3 or 7 children, as it’s a child free wedding. An entire side of the family has been invited, except 1.

ILoveYou3000 · 27/10/2021 13:34

@Derbee

1 person has been left out. Not the 2 or 3 or 7 children, as it’s a child free wedding. An entire side of the family has been invited, except 1.

Do we know that for sure? Because twice the op mentioned 'only female child'. Why make that point unless a boy or two were also excluded?

To a point I get what you're saying about leaving out one person. But imagine on the other side of the family there are 3 children, then the same again each side of the grooms family. They invite the cousin in question but there are now nine other children 'excluded' whose parents/grandparents will take offence as one cousin is made the exception. And suddenly there's bad feeling and additional pressure to invite the other nine kids.

Derbee · 27/10/2021 13:37

With 3 children, they’re left out because it’s a child free wedding. There’s 3 of them. One just seems hurtful. I wouldn’t do it, but I’m allowed to hold that opinion

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2021 14:21

Everyone is entitled to make the correct decision for them. Not sure what’s difficult to understand

Of course they are.

But - OP has unilaterally decided on a course of action that involves her and her DH without consulting him or the child’s parents. Or indeed the bride. The parents may wish that one or both of them stay with their child. Or that this is a good time to get her used to staying with other people. The husband may wish to attend. The bride might be willing to make an exception.

To decide that you (and your DH) are not going without any discussion and will hold a “mini wedding” is not constructive - it is destructive and has the potential to destroy family relationships: not just with the bride and groom , but also her parents and brother and the child’s parents. The child’s parents are the ones who decide what is right for their child.

JustLyra · 27/10/2021 14:36

@Neapwind

I am not asking them to get my granddaughter to be a bridesmaid. This means I cannot go to the wedding as my daughter and husband will go so I will need to look after GD as she is mildly autistic and will only stay with me or her parents. Sorry Mumsnet for asking this question but some of the replies were unnecessary. I

It absolutely does not mean that you cannot go.

For family weddings if childcare is needed then the parent who is least closest to the bride or groom should miss out.

Your SIL should stay with his daughter and let your daughter go.

If your daughter doesn’t want to go without her husband then that’s her choice. There is no way you should miss a family wedding to mind a grandchild. None at all.

choli · 27/10/2021 16:38

This means I cannot go to the wedding as my daughter and husband will go
Funny that they are not taking offense over the invitation situation like the OP.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/10/2021 17:39

What does surprise me is the number of instances upthread of posters referring to other women as 'bitches' and 'cows', whether that happened to refer to the OP or her grandchild, and the OP once (unprompted) she wasn't living up to one of these unattractive pejoratives. Delightful.

I'd be curious to know what it is about weddings that has such a tendency to bring out this behaviour in people. Maybe someone somewhere has done a study into it.

The decision is no children. We can't know - the OP hasn't told us - what precisely has prompted this decision or how it would affect the bride and groom if they start making certain exceptions. It could affect their budget: more importantly to them it could cause tension and division if they're seen to be making unfair exceptions for certain other children and not for them.

I'm not a fan of rules like 'no kids' or 'no ring no bring' (the only four guests at our overseas wedding were a couple and their two young kids). But people generally take these decisions for a reason, and with careful thought. A 'no children' wedding will result in some parents not attending. This is understandable and unavoidable - where issues arise here is when the B&G take gratuitous offence when people do decline.

There's no indication anywhere on this thread that the granddaughter in question is the only child on the bride's side of the family.

Perhaps the bride is also fed up of playing second fiddle to the favoured grandchild. The grandmother in this case has made it more than clear where her priorities lie.

I have no patience whatsoever with bridezillas. There's a lot we don't know about this story, but from the little that's been shared here the bride is the one who has my sympathies here.

Incidentally, the Golden Child dynamic doesn't do many favours for anyone either at the centre or periphery of that dynamic, and that includes the Golden Child. If OP wants to create a family rift out of a perfectly usual and reasonable decision over the hosting of this wedding, that is 100% her choice.

TractorAndHeadphones · 27/10/2021 17:54

@choli

This means I cannot go to the wedding as my daughter and husband will go Funny that they are not taking offense over the invitation situation like the OP.

Exactly…the child’s actual parents don’t care!

Kite22 · 27/10/2021 23:52

Wtf do you think weddings are? Since when are they "adult functions"? They have always been family celebrations for most people.

That shows that you are ignorant of what "most people" do.
Some people have a culture of having lots of dc at weddings. Other people don't.
For example, I never went to any weddings as a child. One of the -many, many, many-- threads this has come up on before prompted me to start asking people what their experiences were (in case this were a family oddity) and I asked lots of people that I know from different parts of my life, and hardly anyone felt weddings were things that dc went to in their childhoods.