Wedding guests

[Neapwind]

My granddaughter is getting married and only has one female cousin. She is not inviting her to the wedding as she is only 11 and they want NO children there. This has hurt me and surely one little girl who thinks she is going to the wedding will be very upset. Asking her to be a flower girl would be wonderful.
Other peoples thoughts please.

@HoundofHades

My daughter's planning her wedding right now - and is adamant that she wants NO children there. Problem is that her partner has a 3 year old little girl whose grandmother has automatically assumed that the little darling is going to be a flower girl...

My future SIL couldn't give two shits as to whether his daughter (who's a sweetheart, to be fair) attends or not - all he cares about is keeping out of the row between my daughter and his mother. In other words? He's picked his battle. Not every bride wants her vows drowned out by small children screeching, her dress potentially touched by sticky fingers, or everyone "ah..."ing over cute toddlers carrying flowers and/or looking terrified. Your older granddaughter is probably wiser than you about these things, @Neapwind

Everything about this is just gross

I really feel for you and your 11 yo granddaughter. I have only read your posts not TFT but, I have a 12 yo Hf autistic daughter and I can well relate to the fact that she would be absolutely devastated not to invited to the occasion, especially if the cousins are otherwise close, are they?

I will say this however, my DD would in reality find a wedding hugely overwhelming (as much as she would want to be invited and think she wanted to go), we would need to plan carefully and have a ‘get out of jail free card’ up our sleeve so to speak for when it was all too much on the day. So it’s worth keeping in mind that it would be a mixed bag of emotions for her even if she was invited.
All the posters saying ‘not your wedding mind your own’, the works doesn’t revolve around an 11yo’ etc etc sound immature, callous, opinionated for the sake of saying something and essentially ignorant of the situation here. If you don’t have a child it close relative with Aspergers/ HF autism then you really aren’t well placed to comment.

Your younger DGD will really appreciate ;possibly in her own way) and benefit from the special mini celebration you are planning to have with ger to celebrate the wedding. Your GDG (her cousin) will have plenty of people surrounding her on her big day to not need you there too as much (as I’m sure she would want you there). Our DD would also oniy be ok to be left with GPs or DPs (us) so again I can relate to the. It’s not as easy as oh ‘couldn’t she just …’ If autistic children and people could ‘just’ flex their needs when it was inconvenient for others, well, then they wouldn’t be bloody autistic would they?!!

If I was you, I would allow yourself to feel a little sad about this, take the time to genuinely and with kindness explain why you won’t be able to come (but not with a view to manipulate the bride and groom into changing their mind and inviting your DGD) and stick to your plan of making a special day together with your DGD.

I agree. They both sound disgusting excuses for human beings. Hopefully the dc has a mother who is not a complete bitch.

That was in response to the post about the poor 3 year old.

@GreenClock

OP - be honest - are you martyring yourself by offering to babysit in the hope that the child will then be invited? That’s a risky strategy if so.

I’m not trying to be mean, honestly. Just saying that it might not work and you’ll miss out too.

The child’s parents should make other arrangements.

I agree, it looks like the OP is martyring herself in order to try to force the bride's hand. It won't work.

As several other posters have pointed out, the girl's father (who is the bride's uncle by marriage) or the girl's other grandparents could potentially look after the child, allowing the OP to attend the wedding.

@Neapwind

Thank you for all your replies although some were strange. My husband and I will have a mini wedding with granddaughter while we look after her. Her own parents will be at the main wedding.

The main wedding? You mean the wedding

Sorry for the many typos, grammar errors etc hopefully you get the gist! @Neapwind!

@HoundofHades

My daughter's planning her wedding right now - and is adamant that she wants NO children there. Problem is that her partner has a 3 year old little girl whose grandmother has automatically assumed that the little darling is going to be a flower girl...

My future SIL couldn't give two shits as to whether his daughter (who's a sweetheart, to be fair) attends or not - all he cares about is keeping out of the row between my daughter and his mother. In other words? He's picked his battle. Not every bride wants her vows drowned out by small children screeching, her dress potentially touched by sticky fingers, or everyone "ah..."ing over cute toddlers carrying flowers and/or looking terrified. Your older granddaughter is probably wiser than you about these things, @Neapwind

Completely different scenario. But Jesus what throughly unpleasant people your daughter and son in law are, not inviting the future step daughter to her fathers wedding. You sound almost proud of it in the second paragraph as well!

@mumoflittlemice

I really feel for you and your 11 yo granddaughter. I have only read your posts not TFT but, I have a 12 yo Hf autistic daughter and I can well relate to the fact that she would be absolutely devastated not to invited to the occasion, especially if the cousins are otherwise close, are they?

I will say this however, my DD would in reality find a wedding hugely overwhelming (as much as she would want to be invited and think she wanted to go), we would need to plan carefully and have a ‘get out of jail free card’ up our sleeve so to speak for when it was all too much on the day. So it’s worth keeping in mind that it would be a mixed bag of emotions for her even if she was invited.
All the posters saying ‘not your wedding mind your own’, the works doesn’t revolve around an 11yo’ etc etc sound immature, callous, opinionated for the sake of saying something and essentially ignorant of the situation here. If you don’t have a child it close relative with Aspergers/ HF autism then you really aren’t well placed to comment.

Your younger DGD will really appreciate ;possibly in her own way) and benefit from the special mini celebration you are planning to have with ger to celebrate the wedding. Your GDG (her cousin) will have plenty of people surrounding her on her big day to not need you there too as much (as I’m sure she would want you there). Our DD would also oniy be ok to be left with GPs or DPs (us) so again I can relate to the. It’s not as easy as oh ‘couldn’t she just …’ If autistic children and people could ‘just’ flex their needs when it was inconvenient for others, well, then they wouldn’t be bloody autistic would they?!!

If I was you, I would allow yourself to feel a little sad about this, take the time to genuinely and with kindness explain why you won’t be able to come (but not with a view to manipulate the bride and groom into changing their mind and inviting your DGD) and stick to your plan of making a special day together with your DGD.

Surely the special day with the granddaughter should be with the one that is getting married. I was surrounded by lots of people on my wedding day but I would honestly have been devastated if some of those weren't my grandparents! This is the elder granddaughter's special day, there is literally no reason the younger granddaughter should have a mini celebration in my eyes and if there is then the parents should be accommodating this!

THANK YOU for your kind reply. You seem to understand That I am not being a bitch to my Granddaughter who is getting married. I love them both but worry more about the newly diagnosed autistic GD and am still in shock.

I can see that not having a grandchild invited to another grandchilds wedding is very disappointing and upsetting . Tbh I can't see the harm in inviting an 11 year old cousin. It is the bride and grooms day but I think they are being a bit self absorbed and selfish not to invite your other granddaughter. Can anyone raise it with them in a calm non confrontational way? Ultimately its their choice but I personally think excluding children, particularly family dc, is a rubbish, weddings are meant to be a family celebration which in our family includes children.
Can't believe the PP that said the groom wouldn't even have his own DD at his wedding ffs.

@Neapwind

THANK YOU for your kind reply. You seem to understand That I am not being a bitch to my Granddaughter who is getting married. I love them both but worry more about the newly diagnosed autistic GD and am still in shock.

I have close relatives with autism (I'm married to one for a start) and I disagree, I think you are trying to turn this wedding into a vessel for your feelings about your grand daughter's diagnosis of what you have described as 'mild autism'.

I had this this when I got married. I have v small family and 2 cousins who are a lot younger.
Dh has huge family (his dad was 1 of 9 kids and his mum 1 of 4) and over 30 cousins. We decided to only invite aunts and uncles to the day and cousins to the evening. I really upset my gran and aunt and uncle but honestly how else could we do it without being unfair to everyone else?
Unfortunately guestlists can prove really stressful and I'm sure it's not a decision they've taken lightly

Why are you in shock?

I think child free weddings are daft, especially when there are so few children to consider, but your reaction is very disproportionate.

@Neapwind

THANK YOU for your kind reply. You seem to understand That I am not being a bitch to my Granddaughter who is getting married. I love them both but worry more about the newly diagnosed autistic GD and am still in shock.

You really don't need to make your elder grandchilds wedding about your younger grandchilds autism diagnosis. I struggle to understand it being such a shock to you at 11 years old, surely your grandaughters traits have shown themselves to you before now? Please don't define your grandaughter by a label or diagnosis, there's plenty enough people that will do that already

Does your granddaughter know that you’ll have to miss her wedding to babysit? That’s likely to cause much more general upset.

It feels that your granddaughter diagnosis is more of an issue than the actual wedding invite. I’m sure when your granddaughter chose a no children wedding they did not factor each individual families special needs into the decision. They have rightly chosen a blanket rule that they are happiest with. Hope you and your granddaughter have a lovely day.

Was everyone going originally except the child? I'm with you Runnerduck34. OP I hope you have a pleasant day and that your GD gets to dress up and is not too hurt. I understand how you feel - I would be equally upset if this had happened to my GD.

@Neapwind

THANK YOU for your kind reply. You seem to understand That I am not being a bitch to my Granddaughter who is getting married. I love them both but worry more about the newly diagnosed autistic GD and am still in shock.

Well quite frankly I think your granddaughter who is getting married WILL be hurt and she’ll actually have a right to be.

I’m sure if the save the dates only arrived recently there is ample time to find an appropriate babysitter in time without you having to play the martyr.

Autism isn't anything to be 'very sad' about. Your time would be better spent adjusting your disablist attitude than fretting about other people's weddings.

It's not disablist to be anxious about a very new diagnosis of a much loved DGD @tigerinyourtank.

@HoundofHades

My daughter's planning her wedding right now - and is adamant that she wants NO children there. Problem is that her partner has a 3 year old little girl whose grandmother has automatically assumed that the little darling is going to be a flower girl...

My future SIL couldn't give two shits as to whether his daughter (who's a sweetheart, to be fair) attends or not - all he cares about is keeping out of the row between my daughter and his mother. In other words? He's picked his battle. Not every bride wants her vows drowned out by small children screeching, her dress potentially touched by sticky fingers, or everyone "ah..."ing over cute toddlers carrying flowers and/or looking terrified. Your older granddaughter is probably wiser than you about these things, @Neapwind

Not something I'd be sharing. I'd be too ashamed to have a child like that. Oh, and what a peach she's marrying. Guess they deserve each other.

Why, oh why, would you share something so gross?

@saraclara

Autism isn't anything to be 'very sad' about. Your time would be better spent adjusting your disablist attitude than fretting about other people's weddings.

It's not disablist to be anxious about a very new diagnosis of a much loved DGD @tigerinyourtank.

She said 'very sad' not 'anxious'.

Can you re-write your point responding to what I actually wrote? Thanks.

Unfortunately it's her wedding, her choice. I was devastated that my godmother did not ask me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding (I was 7) - though I was a guest and other children were bridesmaids. When I got married I redressed the balance - any girl that wanted to be a bridesmaid got a dress (ended up with seven).

@Hippee

Unfortunately it's her wedding, her choice. I was devastated that my godmother did not ask me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding (I was 7) - though I was a guest and other children were bridesmaids. When I got married I redressed the balance - any girl that wanted to be a bridesmaid got a dress (ended up with seven).

@Neapwind I think in the longer term your empathy will be a huge asset to your younger DGD and goodness knows, she will need it. It is a difficult time immediately after diagnosis, for all involved. You are clearly not being a bitch to anyone and if you think your bride-to-be DGD will be upset and it will help her understand, I would be inclined to arrange to meet with her, just the two of you to talk and to listen. Not only about the wedding day situation, but also that you are finding it hard learning this new information about her younger cousin and that you’re feeling conflicted about her (the older DGD’s) special day. She may really appreciate the chance fir someone one to one time with you to talk about how the planning is going outside of this issue. She may not even have the slightest inkling that you are worrying about all this. Planning a wedding is stressful! But it is a DAY and I do think the wedding hysteria can be all consuming (most definitely for many on this thread).

I think it’s essential that you have it straight in your mind that you’re not attempting to change their minds about inviting DGD11, it will not go well if this is your aim or even hope. She doesn’t have to agree with your choice but just as she is free to choose, as are you. I dint imagine she is deliberately setting out to cause hurt and upset with her choices and you need to try and express that equally, neither are you.

Those who keep spouting on about things not revolving around the 11yo DGD, please believe me when I say that any autistic child or young person (or adult come to that!), discovers a thousand times a day, every day, that the world does not revolve around them. I thought I knew what autism was about before I had my autistic DDs. I did not. If you don’t live with this closely in your life, you really don’t know either and compassion is the ONLY path. A lot of other things such as infinite strength, boundaries and the rest too are needed, but compassion is above all else.

Send your bride DGD a beautiful gift on her wedding day, tell her you understand her wishes (even if they wouldn’t be your choice) and mean what you say, but maybe you can help turn the world around your 11yo DGD for a few hours on that day too.

Proceed with kindness good luck.