Wedding guests

[Neapwind]

My granddaughter is getting married and only has one female cousin. She is not inviting her to the wedding as she is only 11 and they want NO children there. This has hurt me and surely one little girl who thinks she is going to the wedding will be very upset. Asking her to be a flower girl would be wonderful.
Other peoples thoughts please.

Don’t understand some of the responses on this thread to a grandmother who is naturally concerned about her own granddaughter not being invited to a family wedding.
@whistleryukon your response is disproportionate to the point of being abusive.

@Weirdwonders

Don’t understand some of the responses on this thread to a grandmother who is naturally concerned about her own granddaughter not being invited to a family wedding. *@whistleryukon* your response is disproportionate to the point of being abusive.

And holding a 'mini wedding' isn't disproportionate?

I can’t speak for anyone else, but as one of the posters who has been critical of the OP:

1. I understand that she’s upset, disagrees with the bride’s decision and wishes her younger granddaughter was there.

2. I think it’s overstepping normal boundaries to say she should not only be invited, but also be a flower girl.

3. I understand that most people don’t have babysitters on tap, and that it must be particularly difficult when a child is only comfortable around a select group of people.

4. I don’t understand why two grandparents have to miss their granddaughter’s wedding, rather than one aunt or uncle, unless it is to make a point.

5. I believe that, when both granddaughters are adult women, the knowledge that grandmother actively choose not to attend your wedding because she disapproved of your guest list will hurt a lot more than the distant memory of not being invited to a cousin’s wedding because it was child-free.

6. I believe that the OP will massively regret ‘taking a stand’ in this way, missing her grandchild’s wedding and achieving nothing in the process.

Does this show you that it’s possible to understand the OP’s disappointment and still think she’s wrong?

It’s irrelevant if the other side is also excluding family members. It’s irrelevant because it doesn’t make it less nasty of one side. It makes both sides nasty, but doesn’t make it right

What is nasty about not inviting all your relatives? Most people understand the vast majority of folk have finances that limit the number of guests. Who would invite their second cousin once removed over their best friend?

Deciding not to invite children is not nasty. It might not be what you would chose to do, but that doesn’t automatically make it nasty.

Exactly TrashyPanda

You've had your wedding, let your granddaughter have hers.

I don't understand these people that think they get to choose who goes to someone else's wedding, it's ridiculous!

@TrashyPanda not nasty to not invite all your relatives. It is nasty to invite all your relatives except one

I’m having one of these at my wedding. No kids allowed. Anyone wanna come?

@NessieMcNessface

You have every right to feel a bit hurt over this OP and some of the replies here have been unnecessarily harsh, one or two quite nasty and disrespectful. You’re only expressing your feelings on an anonymous forum and from what I can gather you haven’t shown your displeasure to the B and G. If you were being demanding, or trying to influence your granddaughter’s decision that would be different. I find it sad that you are not able to go to the wedding. Your granddaughter who is getting married is presumably aware of this as she must know that you will have to look after your younger granddaughter if she will only stay with you or her parents. So by excluding the younger child she is also excluding you. But if that is her decision it has to be respected.

She's straight-up said that the only way she'll go is if they invite the 11-year-old. If that's not "demanding" or "trying to influence the bride's decision," I'm not sure what would be.

If the bride was aware that her 11-year-old cousin is too much for anyone other than her parents to handle for a few hours, then 1) that's a perfectly good reason for her to not be invited, and 2) she probably assumed the non-blood-related parent would watch their own kid rather than expecting grandma to miss the wedding.

@LizzieAnt

Yes. Have you? How many people with ASD do you know who simplycan'tbe left in their own home with anyone other than their parents, but would be perfectly fine at a typical wedding and reception? That isn't common, to put it mildly. Either she could be left with someone else if the parents wanted to go that route and grandma is just inventing reasons not to attend in an attempt to force the bride's hand, or the child is effectively guaranteed to have a meltdown at that wedding. I've seen more than enough full-on meltdowns to understand why no one wants that at their wedding. It's not like a toddler crying where they've usually forgotten about it and are perfectly happy five minutes later.

The problem isn't necessarily that she might "struggle" in that setting. It's even that by using "struggling" as a very transparent euphemism for "completely ruining everyone else's experience," you're attempting to shift the burden from herself and her parents to ensure appropriate behavior, onto everyone else to tolerate whatever happens because she's just "struggling." It's that her parents clearly don't view her "struggling" as anything they need to inconvenience themselves by attempting to address or avoid.

@PurpleOkapi
I guess you've heard the expression 'If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism'. I do know someone like that, or at least a child - who can't be left with babysitters owing to anxiety - who'd like to attend a wedding, and who could, at least partially. No scenes at the church or reception, though the parents would be working hard in the background. I find your assumptions about autism worryingly prejudiced, and surprising for someone accustomed to the condition. There is nothing in the OP to indicate that the 11-year-old would disrupt the wedding with screaming meltdowns. And no, I am not using 'struggling' as a 'transparent euphemism for ruining everyone else's experience'. I'm using it for quiet distress of which only her parents might be aware, and which could be managed with some (or lots) of pre-planning on their part. I suspect if this child had the epic public meltdowns you're suggesting that she may have been diagnosed ealier. Some autistic people are very sociable and enjoy meeting people. That doesn't mean they find the experience easy or straightforward. It doesn't mean they want to be left out either.

This day isn't really about what the child wants though. As I said upthread, this is absolutely the bride and groom's decision and they should have the wedding they want. Nevertheless, I find it disturbing that you have changed the narrative from a couple simply wanting a child-free wedding to a couple who are actively discriminating against a little cousin who has autism.

So what happens when this child who "can't" be left with babysitters due to anxiety is left with babysitters? If it's screaming meltdowns, then it's just silly to insist they're no more likely than any other child the same age to have one at the wedding. If it's just slightly more unhappiness than most children feel in that situation, then "can't" is greatly overstating the situation.

Of course there are people with autism who would do fine in that situation, at least partially, with appropriate support from their parents. But this child won't be getting that support. The only reason this problem exists is because her parents told her she could go without bothering to check whether she was invited. Then when that didn't work out as planned, they asked the bride's grandparents to miss their own granddaughter's wedding to babysit, rather than one or both of them missing it themselves. Do these really sound like the sort of people who will monitor her closely and escort her out before it's obviously necessary?

Not wanting tantrums at one's wedding isn't discriminating against children with autism. I have no idea whether that's why they don't want her there, but if it was, that would be perfectly reasonable. People are "discriminated against" based on their behaviour all the time, and that's perfectly appropriate.

[quote Derbee]@TrashyPanda not nasty to not invite all your relatives. It is nasty to invite all your relatives except one[/quote]
They may be inviting all of OP's relatives except one, but it's not OP's wedding. I doubt they're inviting all of their own relatives except one. The bride has another grandmother who probably has her own grandchildren who are the bride's first cousins, some of whom may have their own small children. And there's no reason to assume every single cousin of the groom is invited, either.

@PurpleOkapi derp. The OP is the bride’s family? So the left out family member is the bride’s family. She’s her ONLY cousin. It’s a shit thing to do, regardless of how much you want to argue the toss

An 11 year old isn't really a child when it comes to attending weddings. I doubt she'd be running around and making noises like a toddler would. I think it's mean of them not to invite her particularly as there are no other children as immediate family.

But then again I don't really understand child free weddings, to me they add something special to the day and it's nice to have everyone you care about all together to celebrate. We invited children to our wedding, none of them made noises during the ceremony and they were lovely to have around. My DC were recently part of a family children only wedding, they were wheeled out for the church and the photos then shoved to one side with a bag of sweets so they didn't ruin the reception. I wish I'd have realised this beforehand as I wouldn't have let them be included. It wasn't a particularly enjoyable day.

@HoundofHades your DD and future SIL sound like disgusting people. Why is your DD jealous of a child? I'd be seriously worried about her becoming stepmother with an attitude like that although the child is probably used to it having a father like him. Of course the child's grandmother is concerned. Does it not concern you that your future SIL has this attitude towards his own child?

I think while maybe disappointing for the 11 year old it is the bride and grooms choice and they are not unreasonable for not wanting children present. I think I would be sad if my grandparents didn't attend because they were babysitting my aunt and uncle's child. Did they ask you to have her or did you offer? I think you not being there could cause real upset

Well I think it’s a shifty thing to do OP, not inviting the child of the sibling getting married. I’m all for not inviting kids of friends as it gets too noisy and expensive but this is too close to home.

The flower girl bit isn’t really on, my DD only wants her best friends to walk her down the aisle, but not inviting the wee little thing which in turn means the mother and father of the bride or groom can’t go it unforgivable and says a lot.

Sorry meant grandparents of bride or groom, not parents

@SpeakingFranglais It doesn't mean the GP's can't come. OP has said she's giving the cousin's parents time away to attend. OP is choosing to babysit rather than attend her own GD's wedding which I think is very very sad.

In the absence of other options, surely the child's father, who is not a blood relative of the bride can babysit. As I said in a previous post, that's what you do when you have kids. You miss things.

[quote Crunchymum]@HoundofHades

What kind of nasty bastard excludes a step child from their wedding.

Your DD should be utterly ashamed of herself.[/quote]
Couldn’t agree more. What a horrible thing to do.

[quote Derbee]@TrashyPanda not nasty to not invite all your relatives. It is nasty to invite all your relatives except one[/quote]
And you do not know if the bride has done this, as OP only refers to one side of her family.

@PurpleOkapi

Again, the OP didn't say her GD has public 'screaming meltdowns', she said she was quiet. And it seems to have escaped you that, yes, making these sort of assumptions about someone on the basis of their disability is prejudiced and discriminatory. Substitute the word 'race' or 'sex' for 'disability in the previous sentence and see does that make it more obvious for you. In your mind autism = screaming meltdowns and disruptive, anti-social behaviour that the bride has wisely banned from her wedding. In previous posts you have likened the exclusion of the 11-year-old to excluding a badly behaved ex, or an alcoholic who passes out on the dance floor!! Can you really not see how disablist you're being? It's shocking!

And the thing is, the OP never suggested the exclusion had anything to do with the autism diagnosis, but rather that the bride and groom had decided on a child-free wedding. So I ask again - why are you inventing this narrative?

The uncaring, unsupportive parents are another pure fabrication on your part! One error in mentioning the wedding to their child and you are painting a picture of incompetent or apathetic parenting.
But this child won't be getting that support
And there has been no suggestion that the OP's daughter actually asked her mother to miss the wedding, something you're presenting as fact, when the OP has given no such information.
Then when that didn't work out as planned, they asked the bride's grandparents to miss their own granddaughter's wedding

I suggest you stop inventing backstories and motivations and if you want to advise the OP, stick to the facts you are given or to insights borne by experience. The way you're posting about autism is really ignorant. I asked if you had experience of the condition upthread and you replied you had lots, but I really can't believe this to be true any more.

[quote Derbee]@PurpleOkapi derp. The OP is the bride’s family? So the left out family member is the bride’s family. She’s her ONLY cousin. It’s a shit thing to do, regardless of how much you want to argue the toss[/quote]
The OP is the brides grandmother.
She is one side of the brides family.
The groom also has maternal and paternal grandparents and probably also has cousins.

You do not know if there are other relatives who are not invited, as the OP gave no details of the grooms family.

@TheGirlCat

Actually your post pretty well proves my point of why children should never be at weddings.

Wtf do you think weddings are? Since when are they "adult functions"? They have always been family celebrations for most people.

OP is enabling her child to go to their sister's wedding. It sounds as if the couple rarely get the opportunity for couple time due to not being able to leave the 11yr old.

GPs do miss weddings (thinking overseas/distant venues) because of the bride and grooms choices but you don't see threads criticising couples for excluding elderly/disabled guests.

Hopefully the bride has the maturity to understand that their choices have consequences (even if unintended) and not take it personally.

@Hathertonhariden

OP is enabling her child to go to their sister's wedding. It sounds as if the couple rarely get the opportunity for couple time due to not being able to leave the 11yr old.

GPs do miss weddings (thinking overseas/distant venues) because of the bride and grooms choices but you don't see threads criticising couples for excluding elderly/disabled guests.

Hopefully the bride has the maturity to understand that their choices have consequences (even if unintended) and not take it personally.

I don't think they're sisters, they're cousins. The OP mentioned a younger brother of the bride but no other siblings.

@Hathertonhariden

OP is enabling her child to go to their sister's wedding. It sounds as if the couple rarely get the opportunity for couple time due to not being able to leave the 11yr old.

GPs do miss weddings (thinking overseas/distant venues) because of the bride and grooms choices but you don't see threads criticising couples for excluding elderly/disabled guests.

Hopefully the bride has the maturity to understand that their choices have consequences (even if unintended) and not take it personally.

OP is the brides grandmother. The child’s parent is the aunt of the bride, not her sister.

OP does not appear to have discussed her grand gesture with the child’s parents, who may not want her to look after their child and miss the wedding.

As you say, choices have consequences. Refusing to attend your granddaughters wedding is certainly a good way to divide a family. The child’s parents might be mortified when they hear of all the grandstanding.