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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guests

346 replies

Neapwind · 25/10/2021 19:32

My granddaughter is getting married and only has one female cousin. She is not inviting her to the wedding as she is only 11 and they want NO children there. This has hurt me and surely one little girl who thinks she is going to the wedding will be very upset. Asking her to be a flower girl would be wonderful.
Other peoples thoughts please.

OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 25/10/2021 21:57

@Lunde

Is it possible for her to attend the church but not the reception? This way she will see the wedding but not be subjected to the noise/crowds that would be difficult for a child with autism
Child free wedding means no kids at any part of it.

This is not about an autistic child being able to cope with a wedding, it is about a bride and groom who do not want any children at their wedding as is their right

TractorAndHeadphones · 25/10/2021 21:58

@Lunde

Is it possible for her to attend the church but not the reception? This way she will see the wedding but not be subjected to the noise/crowds that would be difficult for a child with autism
But the issue is that the bride/groom don't want any children there. And we don't even know if they particularly care whether OP or her other children are at the wedding or not.
OwlinaTree · 25/10/2021 21:59

@HoundofHades

My daughter's planning her wedding right now - and is adamant that she wants NO children there. Problem is that her partner has a 3 year old little girl whose grandmother has automatically assumed that the little darling is going to be a flower girl...

My future SIL couldn't give two shits as to whether his daughter (who's a sweetheart, to be fair) attends or not - all he cares about is keeping out of the row between my daughter and his mother. In other words? He's picked his battle. Not every bride wants her vows drowned out by small children screeching, her dress potentially touched by sticky fingers, or everyone "ah..."ing over cute toddlers carrying flowers and/or looking terrified. Your older granddaughter is probably wiser than you about these things, @Neapwind

He can't seriously not care whether his own child attends or not?!
DBI78 · 25/10/2021 22:01

I think you are valid to feel upset on behalf of your grandchild who's not invited particularly as unfortunately she believed she would be.
However I do feel the couple should get the wedding they want and it would be unfair to include one child and not everyone else's.
I've never assumed my children are invited and on several occasions they haven't been which is fine.
I'm not sure why you would want to miss your granddaughters wedding? Surely there's other people the 11 year old can stay with who aren't invited? Also doing a mini wedding sounds strange if you are on babysitting duties surely it would be better to plan a nice day out?

theremustonlybeone · 25/10/2021 22:02

Lunde well supposedly this DC has only been diagnosed 3 days ago and according to OP has no behavioural issues just goes quiet with strangers. So assuming the invites have been sent a long time ago its clear they dont want DC there.

PinkiOcelot · 25/10/2021 22:02

@LocalHobo don’t think @HoundofHades needs to worry about her DD! She sounds lovely all by herself! Not.
It’s the 3 year old getting her as a stepmother I’d be worried about.

2pinkginsplease · 25/10/2021 22:08

Excluding a step child is vile! Not exactly building a good foundation for the child.

OP, you don’t stay home to watch your granddaughter, you go to the wedding to see your older granddaughter get married and one of the 11yr olds parent stay home with her.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 25/10/2021 22:08

Does the bride realise that this decision will mean you can't go? I know i would have done anything to have my grandmother at my wedding.
I can understand it's her wedding but i can also understand your sadness x

OwlinaTree · 25/10/2021 22:10

Tbh I don't really get the 'no children' thing at weddings. Two families are joining - that's the point of the wedding reception for them to meet. The bride and groom are likely to have a family statistically, yet aren't able to acknowledge that their nearest and dearest already have a family.

Yes, if there are individual annoying children it can cause an issue of course, but I'm so surprised that so many of you see this as no issue.

MichelleScarn · 25/10/2021 22:12

So @Notgoodatchoosingnames the bride basically has to accept other people's demands over ride what happens on the one bloody day which she is paying for I expect?
If the bride to be demanded she gets to decide what happens at other people's birthdays/events is that OK?

Sally872 · 25/10/2021 22:15

Grandparents are more of a priority over Aunt and Uncle in our family. You should go to the wedding and parents watch granddaughter. Or one of the parents watch granddaughter.

Cosyblankets · 25/10/2021 22:19

@Notgoodatchoosingnames

Does the bride realise that this decision will mean you can't go? I know i would have done anything to have my grandmother at my wedding. I can understand it's her wedding but i can also understand your sadness x
It doesn't mean she doesn't go. It means someone needs to look after the child. Non blood relative parent of 11yo stay at home and grandmother goes to the wedding
DILevil · 25/10/2021 22:19

Okay, with the drip feeding, still strange. The other granddaughter just stays with one parent who’s not the brides sibling. You sound like you prefer this 11year old grandchild over your grandchild getting married. Don’t have a mini wedding at your house, that’s just weird.

saraclara · 25/10/2021 22:21

@cuttlefishgame

What is it with child-free weddings these days, even when the children are family members?

Why do so many people shun their young relatives?

That.

I'm astonished that the vast majority of responses on this thread seem to think there's no problem with the bride not inviting her only cousin. It's not like she's a small child who'll disrupt anything. She's 11.

And if the bride's friends have children that aren't invited, why should that be an issue? They're not family. The cousin is.

The OP is Grandma to both. Of course she's upset and sad for the younger DGD. What decent GM wouldn't be?

WhatsNewPussycatWoOhOhOhOhOhO · 25/10/2021 22:22

I think it's mean not to invite the 11yo. And a shame it means you can't go.

MichelleScarn · 25/10/2021 22:24

@saraclara the 11 yo is not the only cousin, she's the only female cousin. Op hasn't mentioned all the upset for any boys in the family who are not attending or their role in the mini wedding she's planning.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/10/2021 22:24

@Neapwind

I am not asking them to get my granddaughter to be a bridesmaid. This means I cannot go to the wedding as my daughter and husband will go so I will need to look after GD as she is mildly autistic and will only stay with me or her parents. Sorry Mumsnet for asking this question but some of the replies were unnecessary. I
Is the bride aware that you will be unable to go if her cousin is not at the wedding?
Cosyblankets · 25/10/2021 22:25

Doesn't say only cousin. Doesn't even say only child. Says only female cousin.
What about the groom? Does he have any?
We don't know. I can't see any answers to that

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 25/10/2021 22:26

Stay out if it, none of your business, don’t be that person, don’t make the couple trying married know you feel this way.
Stop blowing it out of proportion.

IT’S NOT YOUR WEDDING.

But if you decide to get married, be sure to have your GD as flower girl.

11 is too old for flower girl by the way

saraclara · 25/10/2021 22:27

You realise that inviting one child and not others open up the floodgates if they're not immediate family? No matter the excuse everyone else will throw a hissy fit about why their little darling wasn't invited, and having to pay for childcare.

There are no other children in the family. Family are treated differently from friends' children in any sanely arranged wedding.

It is perfectly easy to say to any friend having a hissy fit "X is my cousin. She's my family. Of course she is the single exception"

TractorAndHeadphones · 25/10/2021 22:30

@saraclara

You realise that inviting one child and not others open up the floodgates if they're not immediate family? No matter the excuse everyone else will throw a hissy fit about why their little darling wasn't invited, and having to pay for childcare.

There are no other children in the family. Family are treated differently from friends' children in any sanely arranged wedding.

It is perfectly easy to say to any friend having a hissy fit "X is my cousin. She's my family. Of course she is the single exception"

Where has the OP said that there aren’t any other family children? All she said was that this was the only female cousin. Unless they’re the only surviving members of an ancient clan it’s highly improbable that there are no outer family children
saraclara · 25/10/2021 22:30

OP, what do the girl's parents think about this? If anyone is going to bring it up with the bride, it should be them.

Also can you clarify whether there are any more cousins of the bride and groom and whether they are invited?

TractorAndHeadphones · 25/10/2021 22:31

*other

0DAAT · 25/10/2021 22:31

The cousins must be a decade apart in age, so likely not close. I had a cousin at my wedding at my mother's insistence, whom I have not laid eyes on in the 15yrs since.

I find it sad that grandparents will not go to their DGD wedding. Your language is telling, mini & main weddings, there is only one wedding. You are effectively giving the bride an ultimatum, if the 11yo doesn't go, neither do we. It is clear who you favour.

TractorAndHeadphones · 25/10/2021 22:33

@0DAAT

The cousins must be a decade apart in age, so likely not close. I had a cousin at my wedding at my mother's insistence, whom I have not laid eyes on in the 15yrs since.

I find it sad that grandparents will not go to their DGD wedding. Your language is telling, mini & main weddings, there is only one wedding. You are effectively giving the bride an ultimatum, if the 11yo doesn't go, neither do we. It is clear who you favour.

It’s not like the child has two parents one of whom could look after her while the other goes to the wedding…oh wait…