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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guests

346 replies

Neapwind · 25/10/2021 19:32

My granddaughter is getting married and only has one female cousin. She is not inviting her to the wedding as she is only 11 and they want NO children there. This has hurt me and surely one little girl who thinks she is going to the wedding will be very upset. Asking her to be a flower girl would be wonderful.
Other peoples thoughts please.

OP posts:
jamandmarmalade · 25/10/2021 20:36

@Neapwind

My granddaughter is getting married and only has one female cousin. She is not inviting her to the wedding as she is only 11 and they want NO children there. This has hurt me and surely one little girl who thinks she is going to the wedding will be very upset. Asking her to be a flower girl would be wonderful. Other peoples thoughts please.
It's up to your grandaughter and groom. Not you or anyone else.

I can't imagine why the 11 year old female cousin thinks she is going without an invitation unless someone has planted that idea of being a flower girl in her head......

TaraR2020 · 25/10/2021 20:37

@Neapwind

No one said she was going but her parents were asked to save the date and naturally mentioned it. Very sadly 3 days earlier my granddaughter was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum which is why I am upset . Sorry to bother you all other Mumsnets.
Well within this context, I think it's that you feel hurt - they could have managed expectations better especially as child is autistic. Perhaps you can have a low key special family meal in the run up to the wedding for your gd to feel a bit more part of things?
Disfordarkchocolate · 25/10/2021 20:45

Did the save the day not say who was included?

I can't remember what the ones I've seen say.

Palava57 · 25/10/2021 20:46

People on MN always say “your wedding, your choice” but it doesn’t ring true to me. If you are so self absorbed & fixated on the day I do not think it bodes well for the marriage!
We got married 6 weeks ago and made a lot of effort to ensure the guests’ happiness on the day. We invited our favourite people - why would we not think about them enjoying the day?
I can’t imagine not inviting your one cousin - perhaps particularly aged 11. Surely the most understandable exception would be a close relative?

I think the OP is seeing the bigger picture here & I can understand why she is upset on behalf of her granddaughter.

toastofthetown · 25/10/2021 20:49

It's up to your granddaughter and her partner who attend their wedding, not extended family members. Is the wedding imminent or in the earliest planning stages? If the wedding has been planned for a while then it would have been better all around to make it clear soon as possible it was childfree, so the child didn't get too exited for too long about the wedding she wasn't invited to. And certainly no-one other than the bride and groom should have been talking about being a flower girl to her.

godmum56 · 25/10/2021 20:51

@Palava57

People on MN always say “your wedding, your choice” but it doesn’t ring true to me. If you are so self absorbed & fixated on the day I do not think it bodes well for the marriage! We got married 6 weeks ago and made a lot of effort to ensure the guests’ happiness on the day. We invited our favourite people - why would we not think about them enjoying the day? I can’t imagine not inviting your one cousin - perhaps particularly aged 11. Surely the most understandable exception would be a close relative? I think the OP is seeing the bigger picture here & I can understand why she is upset on behalf of her granddaughter.
we are only hearing one side here. I am feeling that there is another aspect to this.
ImInStealthMode · 25/10/2021 20:52

@Neapwind Your Granddaughter isn't being at all unreasonable not to have any children at the wedding, cousin or not. I can see why it bothers you but it's their choice and it's possible that making an exception would open the floodgates for more upset elsewhere.

@HoundofHades Your Daughter and her fiancé on the other hand are being wildly unreasonable not to give 'two shits' about the Groom's own child being there. Fuck me, she's buying into the Wicked Stepmother role early doors, isn't she?

whynotwhatknot · 25/10/2021 20:54

The parents were wrong to mention it to their daughter unless theyd been told she would be invited

toastofthetown · 25/10/2021 20:56

@Palava57

People on MN always say “your wedding, your choice” but it doesn’t ring true to me. If you are so self absorbed & fixated on the day I do not think it bodes well for the marriage! We got married 6 weeks ago and made a lot of effort to ensure the guests’ happiness on the day. We invited our favourite people - why would we not think about them enjoying the day? I can’t imagine not inviting your one cousin - perhaps particularly aged 11. Surely the most understandable exception would be a close relative? I think the OP is seeing the bigger picture here & I can understand why she is upset on behalf of her granddaughter.
Maybe she is thinking about the guests enjoying the day and thinks they will have a better day without any children there. It's a stretch to say that marriage doesn't bode well because the wedding was childfree.
Cryalot2 · 25/10/2021 20:59

Sorry she is autistic.
But surely a wedding would be more difficult for her.
Has someone told her she might be at the wedding?
I still don't understand why you think she should be a flower girl/bridesmaid. Yes she has been diagnosed but that is no reason .
Perhaps you and her could do something special just both of you which be an enjoyable day for you both.

Caterinasballerinas · 25/10/2021 21:01

I do generally think it is the choice of a couple, however, do you know how many people would be upset by what appear to be double standards if the 11 year old is invited? Is your GD close to the 11 year old? I’m just wondering if you did ask, whether the 11 year old would be top of the list as being the exception? Are all other kids boys/younger so less likely to be interested?

FuckingFabulous · 25/10/2021 21:06

Really not up to you. I was pretty much bullied into inviting a 10 year old cousin to mine when there were to be no children except our own. The girl sulked all day because she wasn't a bridesmaid, refused to eat the food, ruined her parents experience and the meal for the whole table she was sat at by constantly going "mummeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" and then following up with some demand. She slapped my daughter across the arm and called her a show off because she was posing for a bridesmaid photo and she even snatched my bouquet off the table and over arm hurled it to the floor and broke half the stems because she wanted to know what it was like to throw a bouquet.

People said "oh, jealousy! Never mind, FuckingFabulous, you'll laugh about this in a few years." It's been five years and I still bristle with annoyance when I see her sulky face in the pictures.

Original poster
Neapwind · 25/10/2021 21:08

I am not asking them to get my granddaughter to be a bridesmaid. This means I cannot go to the wedding as my daughter and husband will go so I will need to look after GD as she is mildly autistic and will only stay with me or her parents. Sorry Mumsnet for asking this question but some of the replies were unnecessary.
I

OP posts:
AspCommie · 25/10/2021 21:11

Was the GDs name on the invite?

Her parents really shouldn't have gotten her hopes up if not.

Is she the only child/cousin in the family?

Original poster
Neapwind · 25/10/2021 21:14

The only message was ‘keep the date free’

OP posts:
Original poster
Neapwind · 25/10/2021 21:16

Yes she is the only female child in the family and her autism does not affect her behaviour. Just makes her quiet.

OP posts:
jamandmarmalade · 25/10/2021 21:18

@Neapwind

I am not asking them to get my granddaughter to be a bridesmaid. This means I cannot go to the wedding as my daughter and husband will go so I will need to look after GD as she is mildly autistic and will only stay with me or her parents. Sorry Mumsnet for asking this question but some of the replies were unnecessary. I
that is a massive dripfeed. you should have said this in the OP.
toastofthetown · 25/10/2021 21:18

@Neapwind

Yes she is the only female child in the family and her autism does not affect her behaviour. Just makes her quiet.
Are any male children invited? Not sure why her being female makes a difference.
godmum56 · 25/10/2021 21:19

so there are other children?

neededafart · 25/10/2021 21:20

@Neapwind

I am not asking them to get my granddaughter to be a bridesmaid. This means I cannot go to the wedding as my daughter and husband will go so I will need to look after GD as she is mildly autistic and will only stay with me or her parents. Sorry Mumsnet for asking this question but some of the replies were unnecessary. I
That's quite the drop feed op.

I think you would have got a very different response if you had worded your op differently.

In this case surely you go and the non blood related parent stays at home with granddaughter.

Cosyblankets · 25/10/2021 21:23

@Neapwind

The only message was ‘keep the date free’
This is why save the date cards are an absolute waste of space and money. When did they become a thing anyway? Sorry but their wedding their choice
MichelleScarn · 25/10/2021 21:23

Is the 10 yos parent your fav child? Why are you so focused on what is affecting her over the grandchild who's actual wedding it is?
You can't make out like they are doing this because of the new diagnosis when you then state the diagnosis came after they said it was child free wedding.

Original poster
Neapwind · 25/10/2021 21:24

No other children under 18 except the 16 year old brother of the bride to be. Obviously he should go .

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 25/10/2021 21:25

This should absolutely not mean that you miss your granddaughters wedding. Your granddaughter that is getting married would likely be very upset if you weren’t there.

I can completely understand why you are so disappointed, I think in reality most people would be in your position.

Goblina · 25/10/2021 21:26

@Neapwind

Yes she is the only female child in the family and her autism does not affect her behaviour. Just makes her quiet.
But there are male children?

You absolutely can't ask for an exception for a female child.