Wedding guests

[Neapwind]

My granddaughter is getting married and only has one female cousin. She is not inviting her to the wedding as she is only 11 and they want NO children there. This has hurt me and surely one little girl who thinks she is going to the wedding will be very upset. Asking her to be a flower girl would be wonderful.
Other peoples thoughts please.

I understand, OP. Age 11 is old enough to behave well. Assuming I've understood correctly she's the only child in the family, so it would be very easy and logical to treat her as the only exception to the "no kids" rule - especially since this makes it logistically easier for other close family members.

That said, if they're the ones paying then the decision is for the bride and groom. Your GD would probably be bored on her own anyway.

I totally get a no child wedding I had one myself. My fear was their would have been lots of crying babies.
Not what I wanted. If they allow an 11 yr old they have to invited them all.
It's honestly not your call

I don’t like the vitriol reflected from some of these responses.

However, to the OP, I’m sorry you are hurt by this decision but it is one for the B&G to make themselves. There could be a host of reasons why they have chosen no children, and one of these could be financial - whilst the 11 year old GD is the only one on your side, there could be others on the other side not to mention friend’s children.

I do think that you and your DH not attending the wedding is going to run a lot deeper and longer than the lack of invite for the 11yr old. What might you do in say 10 years time if the now 11yr old decides to have a non child wedding? Are you going to be affronted for the future children of the current bride and groom?

Surely, the best answer is that whichever of the parents is less close to the B&G, they stay at home. Maybe take her somewhere special. The other, along with you and your DH, attend the wedding and reception.

Your 11yr old GD gets a special day, the B&G get the day they want/need and there need be NO long term failing out for a knee jerk overreaction B’s DGP non attendance.

But like I said, I don’t think it odd or strange that you feel hurt/disappointed on behalf of the 11 year old, but pleas don’t make it worse.

**Family weddings used to be the one time you'd have everyone together.

In the days when the parents paid for everything. These days it's more common to invite friends etc rather than family you hardly see because when paying for your own wedding you invite who you want rather than who your parents feel should be invited

@Poolhater

I don’t like the vitriol reflected from some of these responses.

However, to the OP, I’m sorry you are hurt by this decision but it is one for the B&G to make themselves. There could be a host of reasons why they have chosen no children, and one of these could be financial - whilst the 11 year old GD is the only one on your side, there could be others on the other side not to mention friend’s children.

I do think that you and your DH not attending the wedding is going to run a lot deeper and longer than the lack of invite for the 11yr old. What might you do in say 10 years time if the now 11yr old decides to have a non child wedding? Are you going to be affronted for the future children of the current bride and groom?

Surely, the best answer is that whichever of the parents is less close to the B&G, they stay at home. Maybe take her somewhere special. The other, along with you and your DH, attend the wedding and reception.

Your 11yr old GD gets a special day, the B&G get the day they want/need and there need be NO long term failing out for a knee jerk overreaction B’s DGP non attendance.

But like I said, I don’t think it odd or strange that you feel hurt/disappointed on behalf of the 11 year old, but pleas don’t make it worse.

This

I totally understand how OP is feeling, and many (most?) of the responses here are unnecessarily unpleasant. At this point she's bound to be feeling protective of the vulnerable DGD.

But the advice above is right. There must be someone close to DGD who can give her a nice day out or something, so that you can attend the wedding, OP. Hopefully her parents will have this under control one way or another.

Please don't plant a bomb under family relationships. If you stay away for the 11 year old's benefit, you will absolutely not be helping her. She will then become a focus for people's resentment, which is the last thing she needs.

It is their choice and her dad or whoever isn’t blood related to bride should be looking after the 11yo not you.

^^
I do think this is the answer and would really like to know (invested now unfortunately) why he can’t do this? And do an activity completely unrelated to the wedding.

Surely your order DGD needs her GPs there more than an uncle by marriage, unless there’s a particularly close relationship between them for some reason (he gave her work experience when she really needed it or similar)?

Please don't plant a bomb under family relationships. If you stay away for the 11 year old's benefit, you will absolutely not be helping her. She will then become a focus for people's resentment, which is the last thing she needs.

Please listen to the wise advice from saraclara and Poolhater, OP. The best thing you can do is to go to the wedding.

@Nanny0gg thé vitriol is because of OP’s clear favouritism
And as I recall weddings used to be family occasions - meaning family help as well.

@NessieMcNessface

You have every right to feel a bit hurt over this OP and some of the replies here have been unnecessarily harsh, one or two quite nasty and disrespectful. You’re only expressing your feelings on an anonymous forum and from what I can gather you haven’t shown your displeasure to the B and G. If you were being demanding, or trying to influence your granddaughter’s decision that would be different. I find it sad that you are not able to go to the wedding. Your granddaughter who is getting married is presumably aware of this as she must know that you will have to look after your younger granddaughter if she will only stay with you or her parents. So by excluding the younger child she is also excluding you. But if that is her decision it has to be respected.

Her non-attendance will voice her displeasure emphatically and with no room for any doubt about favouritism.

And it will definitely be a talking point.

The bride is not excluding OP. It is OPs decision that she and her DH will not attend. It would be perfectly possible for the parent who is not related to the 11 year old to look after them for the day. Indeed, OP gives no indication she has spoken to the parents about this and unilaterally decided she is not going to the wedding. The parents might be furious about being unable to make their own plans for their own child.

In all, there could not be a better way to stir up family discord.

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling with your granddaughter’s diagnosis, OP.

Like a lot of people, I don’t understand why it has to be you and your husband who miss the wedding and stay at home to look after her. I get that it’s not as simple as hiring a babysitter from the phone book - but why can’t one of her parents miss the wedding instead of both of the bride’s grandparents?

I’m afraid that the obvious interpretations are that you’re either trying to make a public point, or force your other granddaughter to change her mind - or both. Neither will do much good for your long-term relationship.

It’s kind of you to want to look out for your granddaughter. Just remember that you have granddaughterS, plural. You owe them both some consideration. If it was me, I don’t think I’d be able to forgive my grandmother for not attending my real wedding so that she could play dress-up with an 11 year-old at a fake one.

You sound like a lovely DGM

Towards one grandchild, yes…

@WomanStanleyWoman

You sound like a lovely DGM

Towards one grandchild, yes…

One is a selfish cow who is leaving out ONE family member from the wedding. One is a child who is the ONE family member being excluded from a wedding. I wouldn’t find it hard to choose a side in this instance.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s your GC’s wedding. If the bride and groom have the right to invite whoever they want, they guests have a right to decide if they attend or not.

Of course she has the right not to go. No one is suggesting forcing her at gunpoint. I’m just saying I think she’d regret it. I think a woman old enough to have a grandchild get married is too old to be ‘choosing sides’.

One is a child who is the ONE family member being excluded from a wedding

OP has only spoken about the brides maternal family. It doesn’t appear she has any information about the brides paternal relatives, or either side of the grooms family.

So one person from 25% of the family. There is no information about the other 75%.

@TrashyPanda

One is a child who is the ONE family member being excluded from a wedding

OP has only spoken about the brides maternal family. It doesn’t appear she has any information about the brides paternal relatives, or either side of the grooms family.

So one person from 25% of the family. There is no information about the other 75%.

The other side of the family is irrelevant. One one side of the family, ONE person is being left out. It’s nasty.

If it also turns out ONE person is being left out on the other side of the family, it doesn’t make it less hurtful to the 11 year old girl.

As someone who has just got married (September) I can only emphasise not your wedding not your decision.

We had children at our wedding, but that was our choice.

The thing is, once you invite one child you have to open the invites to everyone else’s children too- it may only be her cousin in her side, but what about the grooms family, and friends?

No kid weddings are weird. One of the funniest memories at ours was when a few of the kids found the photo booth downstairs and came into the meal wearing it! The photographer took some great pics and half the guests ended up wearing something during the wedding breakfast which got people talking 😂

*wearing the props

The other side of the family is irrelevant. One one side of the family, ONE person is being left out. It’s nasty

If it also turns out ONE person is being left out on the other side of the family, it doesn’t make it less hurtful to the 11 year old girl

It is 100% relevant to their decision to have a child free wedding. There may be 20 other first cousins, and the venue may not hold that number, or the bride and groom may not be able to afford to pay for another 21 people.

So it could be 1 child on brides maternal side not included, plus 20 from her paternal side and both sides of grooms family. It would be outrageous to suggest that makes the 11 year old more special than the other 20.

@Derbee There is nothing 'selfish' about choosing to have the wedding you want. Or having adults only at an adult function (wedding).

@Derbee The other side of the family is irrelevant.

Wow. That you think half of the wedding is 'irrelevant' says everything about the selfishness of people who think like this. The other 50% of the union have the right to have a say.

@BigYellowHat

No kid weddings are weird. One of the funniest memories at ours was when a few of the kids found the photo booth downstairs and came into the meal wearing it! The photographer took some great pics and half the guests ended up wearing something during the wedding breakfast which got people talking 😂

I'm glad I wasn't there, it sounds trashy and like the parents weren't controlling their children. Actually your post pretty well proves my point of why children should never be at weddings.

@maddy68

I totally get a no child wedding I had one myself. My fear was their would have been lots of crying babies. Not what I wanted. If they allow an 11 yr old they have to invited them all. It's honestly not your call

They really don't, you just say close family children only.

Mind your own business