Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guests

346 replies

Neapwind · 25/10/2021 19:32

My granddaughter is getting married and only has one female cousin. She is not inviting her to the wedding as she is only 11 and they want NO children there. This has hurt me and surely one little girl who thinks she is going to the wedding will be very upset. Asking her to be a flower girl would be wonderful.
Other peoples thoughts please.

OP posts:
TheGirlCat · 26/10/2021 18:44

Sorry OP but threads like these always reinforce my beliefs that children shouldn't be at adult functions.

WomanStanleyWoman · 26/10/2021 18:45

The other side of the family is irrelevant. One one side of the family, ONE person is being left out. It’s nasty. If it also turns out ONE person is being left out on the other side of the family, it doesn’t make it less hurtful to the 11 year old girl.

Okay - so what if, in years to come, the bride wishes she’d done things differently? Will she think ‘Actually, Grandma was right to skip my wedding to babysit in protest’? Or will she think ‘I made a decision that felt at the time - should my grandparents really have refused to attend because they disagreed with it, or could they have accepted my wishes and come to my wedding?’

And what if the bride doesn’t change her mind in years to come? This could cause a long-term rift. Where does it end? Will the OP be posting again in a couple of years, upset that she hasn’t been able to meet her great-grandchild because her granddaughter can’t forgive her for not attending her wedding?

PuzzlingPieces · 26/10/2021 18:46

Surely your bride to be granddaughter will be very hurt by you not going? Far more so than a 11 year old who misses a wedding?! I think you should find a way to try and go. Presumably the bride doesn't realise the child can only stay with you or parents....

Derbee · 26/10/2021 18:46

[quote TheGirlCat]**@Derbee* The other side of the family is irrelevant.*

Wow. That you think half of the wedding is 'irrelevant' says everything about the selfishness of people who think like this. The other 50% of the union have the right to have a say.[/quote]
@TheGirlCat you’ve spectacularly missed my point. It’s irrelevant if the other side is also excluding family members. It’s irrelevant because it doesn’t make it less nasty of one side. It makes both sides nasty, but doesn’t make it right

WomanStanleyWoman · 26/10/2021 18:47

They really don't, you just say close family children only.

Or say ‘No children’.

Oh, wait - they did.

TheGirlCat · 26/10/2021 18:47

@ancientgran 'close family children' aren't any less immune to acting up or 'wearing the photo booth' as someone cringingly said above (I would have died of humiliation yet they were almost bragging about it, wtf), than strangers. Children are children, are children. Are children. And a wedding, with all the adult connotations that means, is not a place for children. Close family or not.

TheGirlCat · 26/10/2021 18:49

@Derbee If both sides excludes children, then it makes them sensible. If one side includes children then imo that side is nasty and tacky. Having one side include children doesn't make it right. The point is, they shouldn't be there! Neither side should have children at an adult's occasion.

VeganCheesePlease · 26/10/2021 18:49

If she says yes to her, then how does she say no to other kids?
It is their choice and nobody else's. Plus, if there's no other kids there the girl will likely be bored.

TheGirlCat · 26/10/2021 18:51

@PuzzlingPieces

Surely your bride to be granddaughter will be very hurt by you not going? Far more so than a 11 year old who misses a wedding?! I think you should find a way to try and go. Presumably the bride doesn't realise the child can only stay with you or parents....
Yep, the 11 year old can surely spend the day with schoolfriends. It's not like she is a toddler that needs to be babysat.
Peach01 · 26/10/2021 18:52

We've invited children and it's up to the parents whether they bring them or not. Some are, some aren't. We've given the parents the choice to make it easier for them. The cost to include them is buttons in comparison to an adult.
We're not having an intimate wedding so it's not just "our day". We've tried to consider what will make the day easy and comfortable for our guests. It's a long day and often guests spend a lot to get there.

It's ultimately the bride and grooms decision. I wouldn't exclude the only child in the family, but then I've never known a wedding irl where children weren't invited.

LizzieAnt · 26/10/2021 18:54

Your wedding sounds like great fun to me BigYellowHatSmile
Each to their own TheGirlCat.

EmoIsntDead · 26/10/2021 18:55

@Neapwind

No one said she was going but her parents were asked to save the date and naturally mentioned it. Very sadly 3 days earlier my granddaughter was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum which is why I am upset . Sorry to bother you all other Mumsnets.
What has her autism got to do with it?
LizzieAnt · 26/10/2021 18:56

Yep, the 11 year old can surely spend the day with schoolfriends. It's not like she is a toddler that needs to be babysat.

No, it's been explained that won't work TheGirlCat.

TheGirlCat · 26/10/2021 18:57

@LizzieAnt

Yep, the 11 year old can surely spend the day with schoolfriends. It's not like she is a toddler that needs to be babysat.

No, it's been explained that won't work TheGirlCat.

No, it hasn't been explained, the OP hasn't been back, and only said her parents will be going. No mention of friends or anyone else.
TheGirlCat · 26/10/2021 18:59

EmoIsntDead What has her autism got to do with it?
Nothing. It really doesn't add much to the issue. In fact, if anything, it says more about why she shouldn't go if she is quiet and feels crowds overwhelming. All the more reason why she shouldn't go and it wouldn't be healthy for her to go.

LizzieAnt · 26/10/2021 19:00

@TheGirlCat
The OP said
I will need to look after GD as she is mildly autistic and will only stay with me or her parents

TheGirlCat · 26/10/2021 19:02

[quote LizzieAnt]@TheGirlCat
The OP said
I will need to look after GD as she is mildly autistic and will only stay with me or her parents[/quote]
I took that to be in the context of family. The OP didn't mention best school friend.

LizzieAnt · 26/10/2021 19:05

I doubt there are many options for babysitters or this wouldn't be such a problem TheGirlCat. It's probably at least one of the reasons autism has been mentioned, another being that, as a grandmother, the OP is feeling upset and protective of her young granddaughter right now.

LizzieAnt · 26/10/2021 19:16

Also, not everyone with autism is the same. Many are sociable and can really enjoy family events as long as accommodations are made.
I'm not suggesing that the bride and groom should change their plans. Just that people saying things like the 11 year old shouldn't go as it wouldn't be healthy for her to go are being discriminatory.

LizzieAnt · 26/10/2021 19:21

*suggesting

whistleryukon · 26/10/2021 19:30

It's obvious that you're just being brattish about this and trying to punish your granddaughter by excluding yourself and her grandad from her wedding. Oh, and also trying your hardest to hype the 11 year old up about this non-issue and encourage her to feel as sad and disappointed as possible. I envision you as a sad daily mail picture.

If this was an issue which actually related to autism or child care, that's what you would have said in your first post. The child care and autism are both irrelevant because this is about you thinking that the 'only female child' (suss as fuck that she's now suddenly just the only child) should have a starring role in the wedding. You're using this new child care issue as a way of deliberately not attending because you're in a sulk. And your husband too. Why not just one of you? Why not just one of the actual parents? Because it's not about child care.

Doesn't matter whether some other people don't agree with child free weddings, or whether they suggest the bride and groom compromise by letting her come to part of it. It's not their wedding.

All the dramatic comments about feeling so hurt really smack of toxic family traits. They're always 'very hurt' by everything too.

glitterfarts · 26/10/2021 19:41

I don’t understand why YOU would be one missing your own granddaughters wedding to look after the other child? It’s your granddaughters wedding! One of the child’s parents (the one not directly related to the bride) should be staying home to look after her!!
^^ agree

Or the 11 yr old can stay with a school friend.

You are being a right cow to miss the wedding. Not your child, not your responsibility to miss one grand daughters wedding to baby sit another.

Also, maybe the bride and groom have many friends with children they're close to who they would then feel the need to invite.

Kite22 · 26/10/2021 20:36

Derbee has made some very strange judgements on this thread.

@Neapwind Please don't make any hasty decisions about this. Read through all the posts, and remember you don't just have one Grandchild here. Don't miss your other DGD's wedding for some sort of distorted thinking about what you ought to do. I am confident you would regret it if you do.

Derbee · 26/10/2021 20:51

[quote TheGirlCat]@Derbee If both sides excludes children, then it makes them sensible. If one side includes children then imo that side is nasty and tacky. Having one side include children doesn't make it right. The point is, they shouldn't be there! Neither side should have children at an adult's occasion.[/quote]
You and I will never agree, because I do not believe that weddings are adult occasions. They are the joining of two families, and a fun exciting day for everyone to celebrate.

Derbee · 26/10/2021 20:54

@Kite22 yes, very strange judgments to think that a grandparent can’t feel disappointed that their little granddaughter is left out of a family wedding. Very strange judgment that weddings are family occasions, rather than events to ban children from. Very strange to suggest that EVEN if they were insisting on a child free wedding, that an 11 year old cousin would be included, rather than the one family member left out deliberately.

More than happy to be “strange” according to your outlook.