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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my child a brat??

151 replies

Covidsucks · 25/10/2021 11:26

My 2 year old is going through what I thought was a normal stage of not wanting to dressed/refusing to wear clothes (even when she's chosen them) including shoes.

My DM seems to think this is a massive behavioural issue and tells me I need to nip it in the bud, my approach is to give limited options (this or that) and then if she still refuses I leave her to calm down and eventually we get there, trying to force it does end in an epic tantrum.

My DM brought DD some clothes and shoes and wasnt impressed when DD didn't react in excitement. She then of course refused to try the shoes on and my DM got childish and moaned how much they cost and how she wasn't grateful etc. I tried to explain she's not being ungrateful and that my DM doesn't have to buy stuff for her.

Maybe my DD's behaviour isn't typical and I should be being more strict, my DM has made me feel like she's a brat.
AIBU in this or is my DM?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 25/10/2021 14:38

Most 2 year old don't get excited by new clothes. If you try really hard and find a Boden top with a ladybird hidden under a flap then they may be excited though. Shoes, not unless the flash and even then they probably won't want to try them on.

FatBettyintheCoop · 25/10/2021 14:40

I partly agree with your DM on this one (although I don’t think a 2 year old needs to understand about gratitude just yet).

I don’t think it’s a good idea to give toddlers choices about every little aspect of their lives at that age. I think they need to learn that you’re their parent and in charge and they have to follow your rules. I’d only give them choices when it’s convenient to do so and more as an occasional treat rather than an everyday expectation.

For instance, they might not be given any choices when on a play date at another home or completing a task at nursery or school but if they have an expectation of always being asked for their opinion, it can cause a perfectly sanguine child to become bratty.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2021 14:40

@ThatNameAgainItsMrPlow

That’s really not normal behaviour to expect a 2 year old to be impressed with expensive clothes. My mum buys my 2yo clothes all the time but she just hands the bag of clothes to me. I’d be giving her a Hmm look if she suggested we let dc open the bag and see what dc thinks of the clothes.
Yes it’s not normal is it. I get it maybe if it was a pair of Elsa wellies that lit up, played music and had wheels on, but past that a two year old really doesn’t give a crap unless playing dress up. They don’t even recognise themselves In a mirror till eighteen months plus.

The reason kids this age often don’t like to get dressed is because they are trying to show autonmy. It’s normal development ans a good sign. The issue that makes it hard is they aren’t capable of making rational decisions yet, that’s a way off. Children learn gratitude at about four years old.

Your mother is not behaving normally at all but more than that she’s being judgemental, controlling and quite mean to you and your child.

As said though, I suspect she was the same with you.

YouJustFoldItIn · 25/10/2021 14:44

I was gearing up to say 'yes your nine year old who screams and runs around in restaurants and is outspokenly rude to adults is a brat.'

But a two year old having perfectly normal tantrums and not wanting to get dressed? Absolutely not. Your DM is being ridiculous.

peachgreen · 25/10/2021 14:47

Hmm. I have a slightly different view on this - always dangerous!

I wouldn't have expected my 2 year old to be grateful for new clothes but I absolutely would expect them to say thank you (after being prompted), and I would be modelling the behaviour I wanted to see (i.e. being excited myself, talking about the new shoes, their colour etc). And I would voice my disappointment if she didn't join in ("That's a shame DD, Granny bought these lovely shoes for you and it's kind to say thank you when somebody buys you a present").

LolaSmiles · 25/10/2021 14:51

It's normal for a 2 year old to behave like that.

What's not normal is expecting a toddler to be excited about clothes that have been chosen to bring another adult joy, and then being moody when a 2 year old doesn't perform sufficient gratitude to boost an adult's ego. Your mum's behaviour is weird.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 25/10/2021 14:54

I've been thinking about this OP and to be frank I'm shocked your toddler hasn't written a well-worded thank you note on the spot, with beautiful calligraphy of course, to express her undying gratitude for such generous, guilt-trip free treasures.

It's abominable and I'm gasping in horror as I type.
You have brought shame on your child, your mother and on yourself for failing to raise your child to display the very minimum of polite mannerisms.
To the guillotines with you!

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2021 14:57

That’s it exactly. It’s expecting a two year old to perform like a monkey, to habe no understanding of development, capability or normal behaviour for that age range, or not to care about it, and to effectively wish to punish because they don’t have the brain capacity yet for rational thought.

EdenFlower · 25/10/2021 15:11

I wouldn't expect a 2 year old to get excited about clothes and shoes- some might but certainly normal not to!

I can understand your mum getting excited about how cute your dd will look in outfits she buys for her though. And if someone had gifted my dd an outfit I would show my appreciation by showing excitement for dressing her in ti. Maybe if you showed some appreciation for her gifts that would be enough and she wouldn't be as upset that dd doesn't.

MrsToothyBitch · 25/10/2021 15:11

That sounds really normal for a 2 year old and I like your approach to getting her past tantrums. I would not expect a 2 year old to really get excited about clothes or thank me! I think your mum is being precious! You need to set some expectation boundaries there.

For the record, I do like thank yous- but I don't expect them, certainly not from such a little one! DPs niece is newly 1- will be 14mo at Christmas. She's getting two tops from us. I fully expect her to rip the pretty, crinkly paper off, turn to the next gift and be more into her toys. She'd be bloody advanced to say thank you and grasp the concept of gratitude. I expect that for quite a few years yet because that's what being a child is. As long as SiL lets us know all is ok & says thanks- as I'm sure you have yourself, OP- all is fine.

Derbee · 25/10/2021 15:20

Your DM is going through a behaviour issue of being selfish and treating a person as a dress up toy. Your DD is behaving like a completely typical 2 year old

Redjumper1 · 25/10/2021 15:54

I've learnt through life, experience and mumsnet that for every kind, giving, considerate GM/GMIL there seems to be a demanding, intolerant, selfish and inconsiderate one. They are all not packaged the same. Your 2 year old is behaving as a normal 2 year old one. She is not a fashionista.

MadMadMadamMim · 25/10/2021 15:56

I remember my mother being furious one Christmas Day when my then 3 or 4 year old DD opened a present from her and said, Pants. Boring! before casually tossing them aside.

I was silently cheering for the kid. Who wants pants for Christmas?

RudestLittleMadam · 25/10/2021 16:05

The only brat you’ve described is your mother. I feel your pain, my mum has form for being a whingebag about shit like this.

I think how you deal with your daughter is fine. She’s perfectly normal btw. Basically all toddlers I’ve known including my own have all been like that at one time or other. Most of them don’t have behaviour problems now they’re past that stage. The ones that do will be coincidental.

Pinkandpink · 25/10/2021 16:10

God I remember the 2s and 3s with my daughter. She was a nightmare. Wellies with everything, even at parties with her party dress lol. Just normal for that age. They grow out of it. She’s not a brat

FreeBritnee · 25/10/2021 16:11

I think it’s obvious who is acting like a brat out of your daughter and your mother 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Lavender24 · 25/10/2021 16:13

Sounds like normal toddler behaviour to me. My DD is 3 and has gone through several awful challenging stages.

Lavender24 · 25/10/2021 16:13

@Pinkandpink

God I remember the 2s and 3s with my daughter. She was a nightmare. Wellies with everything, even at parties with her party dress lol. Just normal for that age. They grow out of it. She’s not a brat
Lol my three year old loves her wellies too! She wears them in all weather. I cba to argue with her about it.
EKGEMS · 25/10/2021 16:18

Your daughter sounds more mature than her grandmother

MissMaple82 · 25/10/2021 16:22

My 5 year old is super unimpressed with clothes, so I'm not at all surprised a 2 year old had no interest. What a crap gift for a child. No child wants clothes. The terrible twos are named such for a reason! It's not a behavioural "issue" it's normal

OLLIEEEB · 25/10/2021 16:22

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peachgreen · 25/10/2021 16:38

Okay now I feel like a tyrant expecting far too much from poor DD! Blush

Cryalot2 · 25/10/2021 16:40

I am a mum and will get flamed.
My children were told to get dressed and put footwear on. They were given help if needed, but there was no refusing to wear clothes or footwear. Both were put on for their own good.
At that age they are dressed in practical clothes

3peassuit · 25/10/2021 16:43

Apart from dressing up clothes, my daughters only started caring about what they wore from about 10/11. Your mum is being ridiculous.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 25/10/2021 16:51

@peachgreen

Okay now I feel like a tyrant expecting far too much from poor DD! Blush
@peachgreen come on sweets, you are not a tyrant. I think modelling behaviour is good, teaching them to say thank you is the absolute minimum, even the gift is no good the effort must be appreciated. so you are spot on.

I think voicing disappointment to a 2yo is pointless because they won't understand it. Also if a child doesn't like a gift I wouldn't shame them for it.
They are allowed to have their likes, dislikes, interests, individuality.
Gift fail? Nothing to it. You can probably exchange it for something else.
Not worth making a kid feel bad over it....but at that age I guess she'd forget it by dinner time anyway 🤣

You've got this. You are doing well x

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