Is my child a brat??

[Covidsucks]

My 2 year old is going through what I thought was a normal stage of not wanting to dressed/refusing to wear clothes (even when she's chosen them) including shoes.

My DM seems to think this is a massive behavioural issue and tells me I need to nip it in the bud, my approach is to give limited options (this or that) and then if she still refuses I leave her to calm down and eventually we get there, trying to force it does end in an epic tantrum.

My DM brought DD some clothes and shoes and wasnt impressed when DD didn't react in excitement. She then of course refused to try the shoes on and my DM got childish and moaned how much they cost and how she wasn't grateful etc. I tried to explain she's not being ungrateful and that my DM doesn't have to buy stuff for her.

Maybe my DD's behaviour isn't typical and I should be being more strict, my DM has made me feel like she's a brat.
AIBU in this or is my DM?

I agree with the general consensus here. Your mom sounds like a brat.

My DD likes new clothes and will always say thank you out of politeness but if she didn't want to wear them I wouldn't expect anyone to get upset about how much they cost

Yup. Your mum is behaving bratishly and has ridiculous expectations over expecting a child of two to give clothes any thought at all!

I miss-read your OP and thought your DD was 12 and therefore rude

I then realised she is 2 and a normal child. Your DM is being U though you could have a little chat with DD about being grateful for presents but she's only tiny so.......

All 2 year old have the potential to act up on occasion, that’s just what they do. Their tantrums and ‘brat like’ outbursts are a totally normal part of growing up and necessary for their development.
That said, it doesn’t sound AT ALL like she behaved badly to me. Your mother is being ridiculous

your DD isn't a dolly for your Mum to dress as she chooses

@Briony123

Your DM has massive behavioural issues and you need to nip it in the bud.

Yep. I’d honestly cut down on seeing her, she’ll drive you nuts.

Your child's not a brat - your mother is.

I'm a gran. Your DM is the unreasonable one.
Perhaps you were "hard work" as a child because your DM had unreasonable notions then too?

I was expecting you to be talking about a much older child. 2-year-olds can be a pain in the arse at times, but they're too young to be truly bratty.

In my professional opinion - the only footwear a 2 year old will get excited about is a pair of (to big) wellies... in the middle of a heatwave!

Your child isn’t the brat here

If your mother wants your 2 year old to fawn over her because of presents, she needs to bring chocolate, stickers or a small toy. My DM gets a lot of attention from my 3yo DC, partly because they love her a lot but also because she rarely arrives without an animal bar/chocolate frog or a small toy car (they're collecting the hot wheels ones together).

It's just a personal view from your Mother, especially if she is of a certain age. Children years ago, didn't have so much choice in clothes and shoes etc, something was bought for them, and they had to wear stuff, without much ado, not the same these days, as little ones tend to be picky, and have tantrums about clothes and lots of stuff.

I am staggered at the amount of people who expect two year olds to have to the same level of emotional capacity and social awareness as adults with a full life experience.
Your mum is beyond unreasonable.
Your DD is a normal two year old and your mum needs to look at her expectations.

Of course a 2yo isn't excited by new clothes! Her brain isn't yet adequately developed to moderate her reactions due to prioritising someone else's feelings, and it won't be for years!

Your dm's expectations are totally off.

My DM seems to think this is a massive behavioural issue and tells me I need to nip it in the bud

Then, my dear, you need to arm yourself with a handy list of memorised & unprovoking statements:

"Mum, you raised me & I turned out all right, trust me that I will raise DD well too. Do you want a cuppa?"

"Mum, you've done your bit, it's a new generation now, & we do things a bit differently. Are you still getting your hair done on Thursday?"

"Mum, she's just being a normal 2 year old. Her behaviour is an expected phase of acting out. Nothing needs nipping in the bud - do you want some cake?"

"Mum, it's so sweet you remember my toddler years with rose-tinted specs! - I'm sure I was just the same, all 2 year olds are. Do you want to come to the park on Tuesday?"

Bright, breezy, unconcerned.
No JADE - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain (not suggesting DM is a narc - this is just a v useful site).
And remember the deflection to a safe, boring subject at the end of each phrase you trot out.

Good luck - you're the mum now, & you've got this :)

Excitement for DD at the minute is bubble baths and blueberries (not together) 🤣

Aaaaw ... spoilsport!

The problem is your mother.
Expecting a 2yo to get excited about new shoes is frankly laughable.

Your toddler is fine. Some kids hate wearing clothes, underwear, shoes etc.
Most of my kids were/are totally fine walking around the house naked (at various ages) or running around in the garden especially in warm weather.
Tell your mum to stop lashing out at a small child who doesn't even understand what grateful is.

She is two. This is completely normal. Don’t let your mum think your child is a brat when she is perfectly normal for her age!

Excitement for DD at the minute is bubble baths and blueberries (not together

Love that :)

Clothes are boring for most kids.

Your mum sounds like brat. 2 year olds don't really get excited over clothes and I would say refusing to get dressed is just a normal phase.

The stubbornness about clothes etc is normal aged 2. It’s normal aged 3, 4, 5 and beyond! The older they get the easier it is to reason and explain consequences, but aged 2 it sounds like you’re doing exactly the right thing.

As for behaving excitedly about a gift…your DM is expecting social and emotional development FAR beyond the capacity of a 2 year old. Kids are still working on this aged 12!

I'm in my 50s & can probably count on one hand the amount of times I got excited about clothes/shoes-and I wouldn't need all fingers!

Your DM is the one acting like a brat

Totally normal 2 year old behaviour. Mines 3 now and slowly becoming less resistant to dressing but now resisting bathtime which he loves. It's a control thing I think. You're doing what I would do, offer choices, walk away etc. My son also found it funny if I pretended the clothes were for me and making a big thing of it being too small etc then he would out it on to show me. She'll grow out of it. Try giving her lots of choice in the day to give her a sense of control but only choices you're happy with i.e. Weetabix or shreddies for breakfast, or red socks or blue socks, water or milk etc etc