To wish my baby was happier

[Newmama93]

I know I should just be grateful, but I am a FTM to a challenging 7 month old. He lasts a maximum of 1 minute in each activity I do with him. Screams in the car to the point of heaving and being sick, screams in the pram the whole time. Is ok in the carrier although he’s a big boy weighing 9kgs so I can’t walk far with him in it.

I’m now staying at home all day every day as whenever we go out he’s screaming the whole time in the pram. If we go to picnic it’s just not worth the car ride and then he’s fussy within 10 minutes of being there and bored. He’s a horrible sleeper, I’m up hourly at the least all night long, I have been since he was 4 months. I feed him back to sleep for all day naps.

I’m in tears tonight after I hung out with some friends and their babies, mine was cranky the whole time. They sat down with their wines and their babies played and laughed while mine whinged so I never sat once, just carried him the whole time to new environments and things to do. I don’t get a second to breathe.

I feel like I can’t do this. It’s so hard, i can’t make him happy unless I’m 24/7 being super animated which I can’t keep up, I know it may get better but it feels like I’m drowning.

Thanks for listening anyway

I feel for you, it is soul crushing, especially when everyone else seems to be having a lovely time with their smiley, happy, contented baby.

My DS2 was such an unhappy, unsettled baby from 6 weeks to 12 months. He screamed almost non-stop and was the most unsettled sleeper of any baby I've ever known. Photos taken over that period of time show happy, excited me turn into a shell of my former self.

It was dismissed as a bit of colic until I insisted he see a consultant. He was then diagnosed with cows milk protein allergy. He was prescribed hydrolysed formula (he hated it and refused it) but slowly and gradually as he got older it improved. He turned into the sweetest, most easy-going toddler.

The fact your baby hates the car and pram makes me think this is worth investigating reflux, CMPA and anything else similar.

I would suggest not putting any additional pressure on yourself and make your life as simple as possible while you're navigating through this time. My DS2 never wore fancy outfits only quick on/off babygro's. I didn't cook elaborate meals and DH had to step up and do more as I was permanently attached to the baby.

Good luck - it will get better.

@ScienceSensibility

Given how distraught you sound, and how shit your current life is, why in God’s name won’t you try sleep training?

Previous posters who’ve suffered exactly as you, have told you the enormous difference it made, getting their baby to sleep during the night.

The baby doesn’t know you’ve decided to be a ‘gentle’ parent 🙄

Get a sleep Consultant on speed dial and reclaim your life.

Unfortunately a lot of people who refuse to sleep train take that stance because of their own discomfort/anxiety around it, but tell themselves it’s because what they’re doing is somehow best for baby.

It boggles the mind to hear ‘I’m too tired to sleep train’ when it can be done within a few nights/a week and takes much less intervention and effort than is already happening. Versus potentially months of years of continuing to get atrocious sleep.

You can provide info and lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. From this thread OP absolutely has the information, support and guidance to start teaching her baby to get better sleep (which it sounds like he desperately needs) but if she chooses not to take it then nobody can magically do it for her

Allowing a baby to continue being this sleep deprived and fractious/distraught is unfair. Maybe OP just needs to hear it from her health visitor or a referral to the child sleep clinic before she feels ready to start getting on top of it.

I can't believe there are people on this thread pissed because op is refusing to take their advice about leaving her child to scream alone at night.

Also op sounds like you're doing an amazing job. I'd do an elimination diet and see what happens. Maybe a small intolerance. My baby couldn't tolerate when I ate chocolate she'd be miserable for days. I cut it out but now at 20 months it's not a problem.

This sounds really really hard.

What struck me is that he is happy in the carrier. Could you look into getting a different carrier? I still wear my three year old in a sling and he is a very big boy!! There are carriers that spread the weight out much better to enable you to carry for longer.

@almaonao

I can't believe there are people on this thread pissed because op is refusing to take their advice about leaving her child to scream alone at night.

Nice try

Also, don't sleep Train because people here are telling you to.

Sleep training is a big decision! It's not for everyone and that's ok. You need to do what's right for you.

I don't get the advocation for sleep training. It is biologically normal to sleep close to or beside our offspring.

A baby doesn't know they are being born into our new lovely world with cots and spare rooms. They cry when they are away from us because they are wired to believe they are in danger when they cry because they think a predator may show up if they are alone.

They stop crying because they realise no one is coming and want to conserve energy because they can't be sure when or if ever you will be back. They are not understanding of our needs or desires. They don't have that ability yet.

@almaonao

I don't get the advocation for sleep training. It is biologically normal to sleep close to or beside our offspring.

A baby doesn't know they are being born into our new lovely world with cots and spare rooms. They cry when they are away from us because they are wired to believe they are in danger when they cry because they think a predator may show up if they are alone.

They stop crying because they realise no one is coming and want to conserve energy because they can't be sure when or if ever you will be back. They are not understanding of our needs or desires. They don't have that ability yet.

I'm sorry but this is a complete load of twaddle. These are your believes. Plenty of babies are absolutely fine in a cot and those babies aren't any less 'biological'.

@almaonao

I don't get the advocation for sleep training. It is biologically normal to sleep close to or beside our offspring.

A baby doesn't know they are being born into our new lovely world with cots and spare rooms. They cry when they are away from us because they are wired to believe they are in danger when they cry because they think a predator may show up if they are alone.

They stop crying because they realise no one is coming and want to conserve energy because they can't be sure when or if ever you will be back. They are not understanding of our needs or desires. They don't have that ability yet.

Perfect example of what you were talking about, @cheeseismydownfall. Right on cue.

chameleon, it's a hugely persuasive picture you've painted and before I had my particular baby I would have agreed with you, it makes perfect sense.

But when you've tried cosleeping for months next to a baby that never truly relaxes, when you've tried wearing a baby until your back is breaking while all the time you can feel their rigid little body arching away from you, when you've sobbing over screaming infant that has no idea how to nurse for comfort rather than feed for nutrition - at that point, you realise it is a crock of shit and that some babies just don't want it.

I don't know why. Gentle parenting makes absolute logical sense. But it doesn't always work. My baby wanted to be alone, in the dark, and for me to piss right off.

To add - personally I think a telltale sign for over tiredness and over stimulation is when the gentle parenting stuff works a bit. An overtired/stimulated baby will be slightly less pissed off being held than out down, interacted with rather than being left alone, fed rather than not, shown lots of new things rather than being stuck in the same place. BUT the effect is temporary and the restlessness and fussiness quickly kicks in.

The trouble is is that because it seems to work a bit, it leaves mothers feeling that if they could only do more if it, or be better at it, then they would find the magic formula that makes their baby happy. Whereas in fact what is needed is a total reset, much less stimulation, not more. And to achieve that reset is likely to involve a pretty unhappy baby in the short term. But overstimulation is never addressed properly by gentle parenting, at least not when I was in the thick of it a decade ago (and I read the lot at the time).

Sorry, I misdirected that at chameleon - should have references almaonao

My son definitely fell into the 'leave me the fuck alone' camp. And to a lesser extent, my daughter too. The only way to calm them, is / was to put them down in a quiet, dark room, and back away. It's dangerous nonsense to suggest all babies want / need to be coddled all the time.

Apologies for not reading the whole thread. Re. Silent reflux, is he fine sleeping on you sitting up, but then when he lays down he screams? This is how I knew with mine. Wanted to share in case helps. Sorry not read all posts.

Oh god I've been exactly in your position.
My eldest had to be entertained permanently. Hated slings or being put in a seat.
She was not in pain but I believe was just bored and tired as she also didn't sleep at night.
I eventually cracked and did sleep training and it worked! She slept well and was happier in the daytime, although still very energetic.
I agree with another poster, once she was about one I had a much easier time than the parents with easy babies. She was walking and had begun talking by this age and so was less frustrated. She's 11 now, bright, energetic and happy.
Remember my dear "this too shall pass"

Haven’t read the full thread but just wanted to add my voice to say my daughter was like this. I used to sob when I got back from seeing friends’ babies happily lying on playmats!

For us it all changed when she could walk. She took her first steps at 10 months and it was a total game changer. She’s now 15 months and honestly, while she has the usual tantrums for that age she’s 10000 times better. You don’t need to be constantly on her to make her smile! I remember feeling like you but I promise promise it gets better. Currently just praying #2 doesn’t follow suit 🙈

Just throwing my hat into the ring to say my DD is also a high needs baby and i empathise with a lot of what you are saying. Weirdly she mostly always slept very well at night but during the day she screamed in the car, the pram (could only take her out asleep, if she was awake woe betide me, and I had to keep moving constantly - no chance of a coffee stop), in a bouncer, on her mat. She wants to be held always and not just held sitting down, I must be moving and bouncing. My back has suffered badly. Now at 9 months she is still undoubtedly clingy and the separation anxiety with settling at nursery is unreal, but things did get better and better from 6 months. Things that helped were (I) finally medicating her reflux. She had always been very sick but I hadn’t associated her upset with it but now think it was all linked. Her reflux has finally gone away and she is now not sick at all. (Ii) sleep training. She had always slept well at night but naps were only in the pram and very short and sporadic. Following sleep training she sleeps 3 hours in the day in her cot and is a well rested and happy baby. She will always be more clingy but I think that’s just her personality and I love her so much and her little arms that reach out for me. I’m sure one day I’ll miss those. In summary though I have had to radically change my expectations of maternity leave. I stick to our routine and stay close to the house. I am just about starting to be able to do lunches out if I take sufficient toys and food for her, and we did soft play once the other day, but I have to manage the situation carefully and only meet the most accepting and accommodating friends. Good luck OP - it’s got to be up from here.

I really feel for you as I had one like this, it was always low level whinging for no apparent reason. I did take him to the gp who didn't diagnose anything "he's just being a baby!"

He did improve when he was mobile, and was the most delightful toddler/child, but interestingly he did seem to get a lot of upset tummies and even now as an adult has IBS. I do wonder if he's just had bellyache all his life!

Oh gosh I could have written your post myself this was me a year ago! My DS has always been high needs from the minute he woke up BAM he was grumpy unless I was walking him round showing him new things etc etc all my antenatal groups were meeting for coffees with their babies happily sleeping in the pram for hours and I couldn't even put him down for more than 2 minutes (so no extended coffee shop outings for me id be gulping down a cold drink and then having to leave again to show him something else!) he hated buggy / being strapped in. Nothing medically wrong with him. All I can say is it does get better - once he could move he became soo much happier. Yes def still high needs compared to the other babies (eg he would cry as soon as I spoke to anyone he didn't know at one stage! So I had no chance having any actual conversations with anyone!) but I could cope more because he started giving more back too and as he became more independent I realised this is just what he wanted all along!! He's a very strong willed toddler but to be honest he was so tough the first 6 months of his life I do think once your through this not a lot will phase you and all those "easy" babies now might not be quite so easy in another few months

I had to wrestle him in pram or car seat to get out as I just needed that for my own mental health. It didn't help me particularly to meet other mums/babies at that time as I just came away feeling awful but I just made sure I had a trip out each day whether it was a walk in fresh air or going to my mums for an hour or a close friend who really got it x

Hang in there you'll soon be chasing after him and it'll all be different - hard still but for those of us with high needs babies it does feel sooo much easier

Also the sleep thing it's v challenging phase for sleep 7-8 months, and feels like it's never ending but they will sleep more eventually - can you nap in day when he does (do you feed lying down?) - have you read any Sarah okwell smith articles I found those helpful

Bjorn carriers aren't very supportive, have a look at brands with a wider base and straps like ergo, most areas have a sling library so may be worth checking out so you can try different ones.
Did you have skin prick testing? This doesn't show all types of allergy, if it's Cows milk protein allergy that's non I've the best way to know is just to not eat anything containing cow's milk for a fortnight and see if it makes a difference, it's commonly also soya allergy so worth cutting both out at once just for 2 weeks incase, my first baby was high needs and it was CMPA. She would feed and feed and feed to soothe herself bit bless her it was all making her worse :(.
Can any partner or close friend bounce them in the sling for you for part of the day or evening? Just so you can get a nice bath or a quick trip to the shop alone to recharge a bit and help you survive the exhaustion xx

@cheeseismydownfall

chameleon, it's a hugely persuasive picture you've painted and before I had my particular baby I would have agreed with you, it makes perfect sense.

But when you've tried cosleeping for months next to a baby that never truly relaxes, when you've tried wearing a baby until your back is breaking while all the time you can feel their rigid little body arching away from you, when you've sobbing over screaming infant that has no idea how to nurse for comfort rather than feed for nutrition - at that point, you realise it is a crock of shit and that some babies just don't want it.

I don't know why. Gentle parenting makes absolute logical sense. But it doesn't always work. My baby wanted to be alone, in the dark, and for me to piss right off.

I think you have maybe misunderstood my post, or I’ve misunderstood mine? I was saying that the poster was a perfect example of the kind of mummy martyr pro ‘gentle parenting’ stuff you highlighted in your earlier post. That just encourages mothers (only mothers) to try harder, nurse more, bedshare, meet every whimper instantly. I’m by far not an advocate of attachment or gentle parenting!

@cheeseismydownfall

Sorry, I misdirected that at chameleon - should have references almaonao

Just saw this after I hit post!