To wish my baby was happier

[Newmama93]

I know I should just be grateful, but I am a FTM to a challenging 7 month old. He lasts a maximum of 1 minute in each activity I do with him. Screams in the car to the point of heaving and being sick, screams in the pram the whole time. Is ok in the carrier although he’s a big boy weighing 9kgs so I can’t walk far with him in it.

I’m now staying at home all day every day as whenever we go out he’s screaming the whole time in the pram. If we go to picnic it’s just not worth the car ride and then he’s fussy within 10 minutes of being there and bored. He’s a horrible sleeper, I’m up hourly at the least all night long, I have been since he was 4 months. I feed him back to sleep for all day naps.

I’m in tears tonight after I hung out with some friends and their babies, mine was cranky the whole time. They sat down with their wines and their babies played and laughed while mine whinged so I never sat once, just carried him the whole time to new environments and things to do. I don’t get a second to breathe.

I feel like I can’t do this. It’s so hard, i can’t make him happy unless I’m 24/7 being super animated which I can’t keep up, I know it may get better but it feels like I’m drowning.

Thanks for listening anyway

I sympathise - I had 2 high needs babies. Lovely, easy going tween and teen now. Have you read The Fussy Baby Book? Horrible title but I recall it being some help for me

He sounds like he's in pain. Agree with PP; non-ige allergies won't show up in tests. Go dairy and soya free for your own diet for AT LEAST 4 weeks and check you also don't give him any food with this in. He may also well have silent reflux; ask your GP for omeprazole.

My DD was diagnosed at 5.5 months and it was 5.5 months of utter hell. I'd also recommend the FB group "CMPA support - main group" - lots of people with similar babies there.

I think it's pointless to sleep train as long as he's in pain.

A sling that’s went on my back was game changer for me with high needs baby of similar age. I also got a baby carrying coat.

Good luck, it’s not easy but keep trying to figure out something that works.

@MaryShelley1818

This will be no help whatsoever but just wanted to say I'm exactly where you are now! My DS (nearly 4) was a constantly poorly baby but inbetween the hospital visits he was delightful. We'd spend hours on walks, feeding the ducks, picnics on blankets in the park etc I loved my maternity leave with him.

DD is 8mths and the most miserable baby in the world. She takes whinging and crying to another level. She hates the buggy, hates the car seat, hates the Jumperoo, hates being held, hates being put down. I have to contact nap and Co sleep(last night was a good night with 4-5 wake ups, the night before she woke every 20-30mins but was cutting a tooth to be fair). I've stopped taking her anywhere because it's just horrible and not enjoyable. If I go to a shop the second I stop moving she screams like a strangled cat. There's nothing wrong with her, she's not on pain, and is a brilliant eater but just hates being a baby.
I'm back at work next week and honestly feel so guilty that I'm looking forward to a break.

Do not feel guilty !! It is the hardest thing in the world. Thank you - it’s nice to not feel like you’re the only one going through it as I’m surrounded by happy go lucky babies.

Meanwhile this is him right now... looking like a little angel haha.

I can relate and you have my sympathy. My DS was high-needs. He had reflux and woke every hour until we got meds - he wouldn't nap in the house so I had to be on the move constantly. He also had sensory issues and teething was extra awful for him. He's a very chilled teenager now and it's all a distant memory. Sending 🍰 and 💕. I do get it, I used to want to throw him out of the window. My subsequent DD was very placid and she's the fiestier child now...?

He's gorgeous btw 💙

He sounds beyond exhausted poor lamb. That’ll be making him fractious and irritable. My friend’s little girl wakes every hour or two all night long (still at nearly two) and she bashes her head against things because she’s just so overtired.

I would knock the nursing all night long on the head immediately and implement sleep training, it gets harder the older they get to help them learn good sleep habits and these early months are crucial for their development.

Also couldn’t agree more with @FlyingPandas. A lot of the so called ‘gentle’ child led parenting methods end up with a struggling parent and unhappy child. If what you’re doing is working for you then crack on, but if it isn’t have the courage to make a change.

I would also encourage you to research bedsharing and the risks that come with it. Even absent all other risk factors, bed-sharing nearly TRIPLES the risk of SIDS, plus adds new risks for suffocation, strangulation, and other types of sleep-related infant death. The very best thing for your baby right now would be to move into a safe sleep space for every single sleep (contact naps are okay if you’re awake), whether or not you sleep train. There’s a reason the NHS, AAP and Lullaby Trust ALL strongly advise against bedsharing. At least if you’re informed you can make a choice with knowledge of the risks.

@cheeseismydownfall

I agree with the PP who says he may be chronically overtired, and the poor sleep is the cause, not a symptom, of his unsettled behaviour. If he is waking up every hour overnight and frequently during naps then he is simply not getting the sleep he needs.

My DS was exactly the same. Utterly miserable every waking moment and a horrific sleeper. I was BF and was obsessed with gentle/baby-led patenting. My mental health was shot and I was on my knees.

When he was was 10 months I broke and we sleep trained him, something I would have said I would do over my dead body. Within three days he was sleeping though and his personality transformed over the next few weeks as he slowly caught up on sleep.

I would try and tackle the sleep issue.

I also did sleep training. I did it at 12 months and wish I had done it 6 months sooner. My daughter was so much happier when well rested and I coped much better with the odd bad day when I knew I generally slept OK

It sounds like you have really been doing your best. At that age I found sensory play got me a lot more breathing space than toys and don't be afraid to use TV if you just need 5 minutes to catch your breath

@cheeseismydownfall

Asking gently, why are you against sleep training?

Looking back, I feel I was completely brainwashed by the baby-led-parenting cult. I'm actually quite angry at the pressure it puts on women with the notion that the solution to every problem is for the mother to martyr herself yet further - BF more, cosleep more, sling-wear more.

Now I am a long way out the other side (three times over) my perspective is very different. A baby waking up hourly overnight isn't a cue for a mother just to dug deeper into her reserves of innate motherliness. It is a problem that needs taking seriously because actually it is causing a significant problem for the baby, not just the mother. Sometimes being a parent means making hard decisions and doing things you find very difficult because it is the best thing for the child, and I would put sleep training a chronically overtired baby firmly in this category.

Every word of this is gold.

@HWLA

Also couldn’t agree more with *@FlyingPandas*. A lot of the so called ‘gentle’ child led parenting methods end up with a struggling parent and unhappy child. If what you’re doing is working for you then crack on, but if it isn’t have the courage to make a change.

I would also encourage you to research bedsharing and the risks that come with it. Even absent all other risk factors, bed-sharing nearly TRIPLES the risk of SIDS, plus adds new risks for suffocation, strangulation, and other types of sleep-related infant death. The very best thing for your baby right now would be to move into a safe sleep space for every single sleep (contact naps are okay if you’re awake), whether or not you sleep train. There’s a reason the NHS, AAP and Lullaby Trust ALL strongly advise against bedsharing. At least if you’re informed you can make a choice with knowledge of the risks.

Have to agree to disagree on that one, many countries it is the norm to co sleep and they have the smallest SIDS death rates. I feel very comfortable in the safety of our co sleeping arrangement :)

Unfortunately whether bedsharing is safe in another country or not isn’t relevant. There is a wealth of evidence that it’s unsafe here.

I’m guessing you’re referring to places like Japan. You’ve made your mind up but here’s some info for onlookers on that topic. It’s important to get info from evidence based reliable sources so don’t take just my word for it.

Japan’s SUDI rate is much higher and comparable with those in Australia, Canada, Germany and England and Wales. Unusual coding schemes such as Japan’s use of R96 can have important implications beyond national boundaries. For instance, bed-sharing has been shown in many epidemiological studies to increase the risk of SIDS. Japan has been used as an exemplar of a culture in which bed-sharing is the norm, but SIDS rates are low, and many have used this as evidence that bed-sharing is a safe practice. It is likely, however, that Japan’s SIDS rates are so low because most of these deaths are coded as R96 rather than R95."

adc.bmj.com/cgi/pmidlookup?view=long&pmid=26163119

Also, even though they're held up as an exemplar bed-sharing community, only about a third of parents in Tokyo and Yokohama bed-share.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/11245994/

Most Japanese infants are in the same room with their parents but in/on a separate bed or sleeping mat.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/25191281/

[quote HWLA]Unfortunately whether bedsharing is safe in another country or not isn’t relevant. There is a wealth of evidence that it’s unsafe here.

I’m guessing you’re referring to places like Japan. You’ve made your mind up but here’s some info for onlookers on that topic. It’s important to get info from evidence based reliable sources so don’t take just my word for it.

Japan’s SUDI rate is much higher and comparable with those in Australia, Canada, Germany and England and Wales. Unusual coding schemes such as Japan’s use of R96 can have important implications beyond national boundaries. For instance, bed-sharing has been shown in many epidemiological studies to increase the risk of SIDS. Japan has been used as an exemplar of a culture in which bed-sharing is the norm, but SIDS rates are low, and many have used this as evidence that bed-sharing is a safe practice. It is likely, however, that Japan’s SIDS rates are so low because most of these deaths are coded as R96 rather than R95."

adc.bmj.com/cgi/pmidlookup?view=long&pmid=26163119

Also, even though they're held up as an exemplar bed-sharing community, only about a third of parents in Tokyo and Yokohama bed-share.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/11245994/

Most Japanese infants are in the same room with their parents but in/on a separate bed or sleeping mat.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/25191281/[/quote]
I don’t have time to read all of that information. Like I said, I’m comfortable with how I bedshare. He’s at the top of the floor mattress and my head is where his ankles are, it isn’t possible for him to reach a blanket. We are spread out during the night too we don’t touch each other unless feeding and then I go back to the bottom of the bed. It’s working for us at the moment.

I know it’s not what you want, but honestly, he needs his sleep sorted. My first son was EXACTLY the same. Hated life. Was always miserable. Cried all day every day. Woke every hour all night, poor day sleeps. He was exhausted! I was so against sleep training because he already cried all the time and was very very stubborn. I put it off for so bloody long. I finally cracked when he was 1.5, I was having suicidal thoughts, I was so exhausted and my mental health was so bad. I found an amazing, gentle sleep consultant who was really holistic and helped us sort out our whole routine. Within a couple days he was sleeping through the night and having a great nap. He was a whole new child! I can’t even explain the difference in his personality! I wish I had done it much much earlier. I don’t even remember most of his first 1.5 years because I was just in a sleep deprived fog.

I've been here and it was an absolute shitty slog. Truly horrific so I hear you.

You're an amazing person to keep responding to your baby's needs despite the drain on you.

I want you to know it really honestly is better now. He's nearly two but things started to improve around 16-18 months.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

I had a screamer-unless asleep and eating. He hated his car seat with a passion. I'd enter the pediatric pulmonologist office doorframe and they'd say "Oh Robert's here!!" and laugh cause they loved us and sympathized. He actually woke up happy one morning at eight months smiling-it was like a switch flipped and from then on he was bubbly and friendly (was in video and print advertisements) He's now 21-this phase will pass I promise you. It would be so hard to listen as his Mom and very difficult for all his providers for his numerous medical appointments- best of luck!

Cranial osteopathy

I just wanted to join the people reassuring you that some babies are just like this and you're doing nothing wrong! I used to wonder why other babies would sit for hours looking delighted and mine wouldn't - he was also incredibly colicky in the early days and I can remember pacing the floor in tears because I didn't know what to do! He's now a young toddler and incredibly active- the way he was as a baby now makes perfect sense because he never stops and he's interested in absolutely everything! So I think he was like that as a baby but frustrated that he couldn't make me understand what he wanted to do and where he wanted to go. He's so much fun - I wouldn't describe him as easygoing but he's absolutely full of energy and fun and I really enjoy spending time with him. He had to be in hospital recently and he was making all the nurses and doctors laugh and desperate to see everything and everyone, which was amazing because for a lot of toddlers, I think they'd have been terrified- there are huge pros to being spirited! The harness helped me enormously- he loved facing out and doing things like pressing the buttons on traffic lights, and as he got older he would point out all the things he saw along the way. He went through spells of hating getting into the car and needing to be bribed in with a wee rice cake, but playing his nursery rhymes on Spotify helped so much and he really likes it now. The best decision I made was to stop comparing myself to others, and for me that meant actively avoiding baby groups etc (pretty easy during lockdown) and not worrying that anything I was doing would create really harmful problems in the future, so doing what I needed to do to manage - e.g. co sleeping and bribing into the car! You definitely don't need to spend time with mums of "easy" babies who look all surprised if yours cries. Try not to get too bogged down and get out of the house- it will honestly help, even if you go to a new place every twenty minutes so that your baby is interested. It will get so much better in the blink of an eye.

You poor thing, your bringing back memories! Three boys like this, especially my last who I used to pace the floor with music on. Only time they were quiet if I kept moving or feeding , remember trying to hoover with him in a sling at 7 months but back breaking/exhausting. In hindsight I think it is boredom as seems to improve once they can move independently (whether crawling or walking). Hang on in there, shouldn't be long before he improves💐

I was in your position. Felt like my DC would never be one of those perky happy babies. It's much easier now they are 18mo. I think it improved after 12mo and has been better since. I really do think babies have phases. Hang in there!

OP I really sympathise. Mine is a bit like yours, very strong willed, determined and a bit shouty and screamy. I really envy people who can sit and drink a coffee (or wine) with their babies happily playing in their prams, or who can drink a cup of tea or have lunch without constantly needing to pick them up. It's exhausting but you're not alone - and it's encouraging to hear it does get easier!

Given how distraught you sound, and how shit your current life is, why in God’s name won’t you try sleep training?

Previous posters who’ve suffered exactly as you, have told you the enormous difference it made, getting their baby to sleep during the night.

The baby doesn’t know you’ve decided to be a ‘gentle’ parent 🙄

Get a sleep Consultant on speed dial and reclaim your life.

So sorry OP. I would suggest trying a course of cranial osteopathy - quite a few Mums I know were at the end of their tether & it turned out that their babies had problems due to their birth. The osteopathy was like a miracle. Worth a try if your little one is so unhappy.

OP you have my sympathy. DC1 (now 3.5 years) was like this but did like the pram as long as it was moving, so I walked alot and ignored the looks whilst DC screamed till fell asleep. I used to dread the evening coming as I knew I would be pacing up and down every 1-2 hours with a screaming baby. I was a shell of myself and none of the sleep training methods I tried worked. I felt like a failure. The more independent DC1 became the better it got. At age 2 gradual retreat finally worked and DC1 slept in own room and is a lovely human now (mostly). Sleeping through is still not every night but much better. Looking back I should have been much kinder to myself. It was gruelling. DC2 is a completely different baby, the first 3 months were a dream, a bit more challenging now at 5 months but a breeze compared to DC1! You're doing an amazing job surviving right now. Try what feels right for you at the time, if it doesn't work then stop and don't feel guilty. Accept any help offered and keep going. It will get better!