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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wish my baby was happier

148 replies

Newmama93 · 25/10/2021 10:19

I know I should just be grateful, but I am a FTM to a challenging 7 month old. He lasts a maximum of 1 minute in each activity I do with him. Screams in the car to the point of heaving and being sick, screams in the pram the whole time. Is ok in the carrier although he’s a big boy weighing 9kgs so I can’t walk far with him in it.

I’m now staying at home all day every day as whenever we go out he’s screaming the whole time in the pram. If we go to picnic it’s just not worth the car ride and then he’s fussy within 10 minutes of being there and bored. He’s a horrible sleeper, I’m up hourly at the least all night long, I have been since he was 4 months. I feed him back to sleep for all day naps.

I’m in tears tonight after I hung out with some friends and their babies, mine was cranky the whole time. They sat down with their wines and their babies played and laughed while mine whinged so I never sat once, just carried him the whole time to new environments and things to do. I don’t get a second to breathe.

I feel like I can’t do this. It’s so hard, i can’t make him happy unless I’m 24/7 being super animated which I can’t keep up, I know it may get better but it feels like I’m drowning.

Thanks for listening anyway

OP posts:
SmellyOldOwls · 25/10/2021 13:42

My son was like this too. It was just his temperament, he's still really high energy and really smart and needs a lot of mental stimulation.

If it helps at all, you friends are in for the shock of their lives in a year or so when their easy babies turn into toddlers. But you'll be finding every day a bit easier than the day before.

SmellyOldOwls · 25/10/2021 13:48

I feel every word of @FlyingPandas and @cheeseismydownfall posts by the way. Gentle parenting seems wonderful but it isn't always gentle on the parent. My relationship with my child was fraught when I tried to do things the Sarah Ockwell Smith way. Eventually I read a Jo Frost book that i had been given, tried her techniques, and everything fell into place. We got on a lot better when I had better techniques for managing boundaries and behavior - it was really positive for both of us.

SueSaid · 25/10/2021 13:50

'I contact nap after he wakes in the day to ensure he gets good naps. I also co sleep all night to try and help'

But, with respect, it isn't helping is it if he is waking constantly.

He may well be the kind of baby that needs his own room, his own space and just to be left to sleep. Yes he'll cry if he is used to your constant presence but as I say it may be that that is keeping him from settling.

Over tired babies and toddlers are very unsettled and cry a lot ime.

CharlieParley · 25/10/2021 13:59

NewMama93 I am sorry you're having such a hard time. It really is exhausting caring for a baby 24/7, let alone a high maintenance one. And yes, feeling like you're at the end of your tether is completely natural in your situation.

My youngest didn't tolerate being put down at that age, so I carried him everywhere but he hated all the normal carriers, so I got a sling made from t-shirt fabric and it was just such a relief to have a solution that worked for both of us.

My oldest didn't sleep through the night until he was four, looking back I don't know how I functioned at all. I really feel for you on that front - sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture for good reason after all - it can break even the strongest of us.

And I too would veer towards looking at sleep and structure at this point, especially if there's no medical issues. My mother (who worked with small children for 35 years) instilled in me that children thrive on structure, so I followed the same schedule every day, for meal times, nap times, bath time etc. On the dot. And at that age my kids had three naps through the day (mid morning, lunchtime, mid afternoon).

But like PP I would caution against sleep training according to the most common method (crying it out). We tried it at this age with our oldest and he used to cry until he got sick or exhausted, and as soon as I cleaned him up or he had a wee rest, he'd just start screaming again.

It wasn't until I talked to our pediatrician about this that I found out that contrary to claims being made by many proponents of the crying it out method, it does not work for every child.

So not knowing what else to do, I did the baby-led thing and co-slept with my oldest until he was three. Then I sleep trained him, but I did it my own way (gradual withdrawal). When my youngest showed the same patterns of behaviour around sleeping, I knew I did not want to co-sleep that long again, so I used the same method but from 6 months old. And my method worked even at that age, although I sure would have loved it had the crying it out method worked for my kids. Because it is so much quicker.

My middle one was completely different from birth. He had no patience, so if I didn't respond immediately, he would just cry for a couple minutes and then stop. And his needs around getting settled could be summed up as "just leave me alone". I couldn't believe my luck. And yet he's the one that drove me to despair the most once he outgrew the baby stage.

And yes, sticking to such a strict schedule did impact on my social life. But it helped me manage at a difficult time, so I would do it again. (Well, I did it with all three of mine and it worked for us.)

I don't know what will work for you, NewMama93 but at this point I would have been tempted to try something different from my normal routine.

P.S. the average attention span of a seven-month-old is only about a minute. So please don't despair that your baby is only paying attention for a minute, because that is completely normal at this age.

Prettypennies · 25/10/2021 14:00

My baby completely changed when they could start crawling. Fingers crossed things improve soon!

fretnot · 25/10/2021 14:01

Totally agree with what you say, @cheeseismydownfall - it sounds like we had very similar journeys. What brought it home for me was my time with DC2, who was really similar to how OP describes. I co-slept, fed on demand, all that good stuff, and I couldn’t just ramp up my self-sacrifice as I had DC1 to think of too. We were all a bit broken! It took 3-5 days to resolve with a good routine and sleep training.

fretnot · 25/10/2021 14:03

Sorry, I know that sounded as glib and “silver bullet” as anything, it was just such a surprise to me at the time, having read all kinds about the likely damage of such an approach. For my first I could cope (just about) and would never have considered it.

converseandjeans · 25/10/2021 14:10

Is he getting enough solids? He might be hungry.

I would also go out twice a day at the same time to get away from the house & give him something to look at to stop him getting bored. Fresh air will tire him out (I sound like a granny here but it's true!)

Can you switch now to a bottle? You have done 7 months & now need a break. Then someone else can feed him.

Can you afford a childminder for say 2 mornings or afternoons a week to give you a break?

I would also agree about sleep training.

I was back at work when mine were 4 months & then 6 months with second one. So they can cope without you - mine had no choice.

ilkleymoorbartat · 25/10/2021 14:13

I think there's a big issue with focus tbh. He looses focus very quickly and I wonder if in a big loud classroom that makes it harder for him?

I don the know if that indicates Add or adhd or anything else. I'm worrying about absolutely everything now. He is a bit forgetful, but so is my husband (who as it happens is a writer but also a terrible speller) and he's not been pathologised.

I'm just looking at everything he does now thinking is he displaying x, y or z behaviours. I'm feeling very stressed!

ilkleymoorbartat · 25/10/2021 14:14

Wrong thread! Sorry!

Sprintfinish · 25/10/2021 14:15

DS2 was like this for much of his first year. Hit and miss with pram which was difficult as i have an 18m gap so if out with double buggy was pretty much impossible trying to hold DS2 to soothe him while pushing DS1. He was happiest in harness and luckily he's light so even now can still put him in it.

He changed overnight around his 1st birthday when he started to bum shuffle. Suddenly i could leave the room without a meltdown and he began enjoying life. Honestly, by 13m we were calling him "new ds2" as he was like a completely new baby.

2bazookas · 25/10/2021 14:27

"Picnics" have zero appeal to a baby that age. OF COURSE he's bored and whiny.

My mum-friends and I NEVER got together for a glass of wine and adult chat by day. Again, no wonder your baby gets bored. He's too small to be interested in playing with other babies in a strange place.

If you let him sleep all day that explains why he doesn't sleep at night.

A baby that age wants a familiar, regular, predictable domestic routine, and you don't have to be constantly in his face holding and entertaining him. Put him on his back on the floor on a blanket with something to look at . Mine used to like stuff like a piece of bright fabric, egg cartons, a clean plastic clear bottle filled with small items and sealed; wooden spoons. While he's there, in sight of you, you can get on with whatever you need to do; cooking, laundry, reading a book, a cup of tea with your feet up.

If he hates his pram, does it face away from you?  He might be happier in one where he's looking at you and you can  talk to him.
Summerfun54321 · 25/10/2021 14:35

My 2nd DC was the same. Sometimes I just had a relative around to babysit while I was there just to give me some hands free time. He wouldn’t do the pram AT ALL, only a carrier and insisted on co sleeping with me all the time. I don’t have any advice apart from to say by 10 months he was a totally different baby, considerably less clingy and way less demanding than my first. It’s all a phase, everything passes. Try not to wish the time away but just aim to do less, drive less and invite more people round instead to help entertain him.

Pbbananabagel · 25/10/2021 14:42

Ok Op just offering support here and a few tips that helped me

  1. An app called Huckleberry for tracking sleep and figuring out ideal nap times, he might need fewer longer naps than he’s currently getting as it’s so easy for them to fall asleep feeding.
  2. The Wonder Weeks app - tells you what stage of brain development he’s at and what to expect from his behaviour

Both of these were game changers for us.

Finally- keep experimenting with different parts of your pram if you have a travel system- each of my DC’s have preferred a different section and setting. If your DC likes being in the sling look at the hip seat type carriers that are easier on your back and can be used into toddler years. Try a few diff types of things off eBay or market place then you can sell what doesn’t work. Your piece of mind is way more valuable!
Good luck you’re doing an amazing job

Mandate · 25/10/2021 18:00

I read your post earlier and had to come back to reply. I could have written your post when my baby was 4 months old (in fact I did on BabyCenter, hadn't found Mumsnet then,). That was nearly 17 years ago now and my hard work, very irritable, needing attention and movement all the time baby is an independent, hard-working, funny 17-year old (she can still be irritable...!)

Things which helped when she was a baby:

  • Time was the main thing - she wanted to be able to do things herself and the older she got the more she was able to do, and the happier she was. Someone described her as one of those babies who doesn't like being a baby and that made total sense
  • Getting a good carrier, so I could continue to carry her as she got bigger and not force us both to endure the pram. Try and find a sling library or a baby wearing consultant near you so you can try some out, something where you can back carry will let you carry him as he gets bigger
  • I don't drive so I didn't try and drive her places but when me and my husband did she would cry and cry in the car seat unless she had just woken up from a nap and then we would only get 20 minutes or so. What worked better was taking her on the bus so she could stay in the sling or sit on my knee and see what was going on around
  • Go with the feeding to sleep for naps if it's working, I did too. I would feel guilty or like I was making a rod for my own back but it is survival parenting with a full on baby like ours! It will pass in time.
  • Don't compare your baby with other babies! They all have different personalities and they express them earlier or later - I can still see my stubborn and hard work baby in my daughter, but letting her be herself and being gentle with her means she is a lovely person who works hard and has a lot of good friends. And many people I knew who had an easy baby first got a big shock when number 2 was harder...!
  • Getting DH to use the sling have him a way to comfort her and meant I could take some time away - short stretches at first but it built up and gave me essential breathers.

Good luck and have lots of hugs from someone who had been there and for the t-shirt!

TomDaleysCardigan · 25/10/2021 19:07

@Newmama93 what about self referring to home start? You get some lovely peer support for a couple of hours a week. Non judgemental, company for you, distraction for baby.

Bluedabadeeba · 25/10/2021 19:21

So sorry to hear this. My friend had something similar. Could it be worth going to an Lactation Consultant to do a 'weighted feed'? She found out that her baby had essentially been ravenous for 3 months because her supply had dropped... once she upped his formula feeds, he was the happiest baby... but then you said they were 9kg, so maybe it's not that.. Just an idea Confused

nanbread · 25/10/2021 20:03

@cheeseismydownfall but I think it IS normal for at least some babies to wake at night, if it wasn't sleep training wouldn't be a thing .. I think there's a big difference between it being normal and WANTING it.

Newmama93 · 25/10/2021 20:13

@2bazookas

"Picnics" have zero appeal to a baby that age. OF COURSE he's bored and whiny.

My mum-friends and I NEVER got together for a glass of wine and adult chat by day. Again, no wonder your baby gets bored. He's too small to be interested in playing with other babies in a strange place.

If you let him sleep all day that explains why he doesn't sleep at night.

A baby that age wants a familiar, regular, predictable domestic routine, and you don't have to be constantly in his face holding and entertaining him. Put him on his back on the floor on a blanket with something to look at . Mine used to like stuff like a piece of bright fabric, egg cartons, a clean plastic clear bottle filled with small items and sealed; wooden spoons. While he's there, in sight of you, you can get on with whatever you need to do; cooking, laundry, reading a book, a cup of tea with your feet up.

If he hates his pram, does it face away from you?  He might be happier in one where he's looking at you and you can  talk to him.</div></div>

Ahh, thanks for the tips but my baby doesn’t just lay on a mat and play with things, if he did I wouldnt be posting this, I can’t get anything done, ever. He lasts 1 min with anything I give him.
Other babies his age love picnics and playing with the other babies.

Why are you assuming I let him sleep all day? I don’t, he wakes after 10 min and I contact nap so he gets a decent nap.

OP posts:
Newmama93 · 25/10/2021 20:15

Thank you SO much everyone.

I have read every comment and thanks for everyone sharing the tips that worked for them and how they’ve also had babies like this - it’s very hard for people to understand that have easy going bubs! It’s so nice to not feel alone. I’ll check out some solid carriers. Thank you all again, virtual hugs from a tired mama 💐

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 25/10/2021 20:27

Another vote for sleep training here!! It will help you and your baby! It is hard but worth the effect. My first was a feck for sleeping so I sleep trained him and it was the best thing I did for us.

Rosesarere · 25/10/2021 20:34

My Ds was exactly the same, he is now 7 and the most chilled well behaved little boy, fingers crossed you have the same experience, it does get easier I promise.

Corilee2806 · 25/10/2021 20:56

Just posting in solidarity as I have an 8 month old DS and have been through - still going through - very similar. It’s so hard and I fully resonate with everything you’ve said! And have also found this thread very reassuring and very useful, so thank you.

For me it seemed to peak at 7 months and even though he still is challenging now I’m seeing slow and small signs of improvement in his temperament, of course interspersed with harder days when he’s been ill, tired, teething - there’s always something it seems!

Like you’ve I’ve tried to find reasons why he might be like this and concerned there’s an underlying reason but I do think it probably is just frustration and like others have said, I don’t think he likes being a baby! He has a big sister (nearly 3, was very different and seemed a lot easier at this stage so it’s been a shock) and just wants to do what she is doing. I’m hoping it will improve once he is on the move, can communicate in some way etc.

Good luck and feel free to message me if you need someone to commiserate with on those tough days!

ArtfulScreamer · 25/10/2021 20:57

No advice but my 4 month DS is the same so much so his nickname is the ginger whinger. I also have a DD aged 2 who was so much more chilled as a baby albeit she's a typical demanding toddler now but DS is a whole different ball game. I just keep myself going by the knowledge that it likely won't last forever given how quickly his big sister is growing up. We'd already decided to stop at 2 but if we hadn't he'd have definitely have helped us make the decision Grin

MaryShelley1818 · 25/10/2021 20:59

This will be no help whatsoever but just wanted to say I'm exactly where you are now!
My DS (nearly 4) was a constantly poorly baby but inbetween the hospital visits he was delightful. We'd spend hours on walks, feeding the ducks, picnics on blankets in the park etc I loved my maternity leave with him.

DD is 8mths and the most miserable baby in the world. She takes whinging and crying to another level. She hates the buggy, hates the car seat, hates the Jumperoo, hates being held, hates being put down. I have to contact nap and Co sleep(last night was a good night with 4-5 wake ups, the night before she woke every 20-30mins but was cutting a tooth to be fair). I've stopped taking her anywhere because it's just horrible and not enjoyable. If I go to a shop the second I stop moving she screams like a strangled cat. There's nothing wrong with her, she's not on pain, and is a brilliant eater but just hates being a baby.
I'm back at work next week and honestly feel so guilty that I'm looking forward to a break.