To wish my baby was happier

[Newmama93]

I know I should just be grateful, but I am a FTM to a challenging 7 month old. He lasts a maximum of 1 minute in each activity I do with him. Screams in the car to the point of heaving and being sick, screams in the pram the whole time. Is ok in the carrier although he’s a big boy weighing 9kgs so I can’t walk far with him in it.

I’m now staying at home all day every day as whenever we go out he’s screaming the whole time in the pram. If we go to picnic it’s just not worth the car ride and then he’s fussy within 10 minutes of being there and bored. He’s a horrible sleeper, I’m up hourly at the least all night long, I have been since he was 4 months. I feed him back to sleep for all day naps.

I’m in tears tonight after I hung out with some friends and their babies, mine was cranky the whole time. They sat down with their wines and their babies played and laughed while mine whinged so I never sat once, just carried him the whole time to new environments and things to do. I don’t get a second to breathe.

I feel like I can’t do this. It’s so hard, i can’t make him happy unless I’m 24/7 being super animated which I can’t keep up, I know it may get better but it feels like I’m drowning.

Thanks for listening anyway

I think that age is super frustrating - as a baby they are aware and want to do a lot of things they can't yet! I found it really hard as my boy wanted to sit and play but would then fall flat on his face, couldn't crawl or roll so would just cry...

Definitely look into other carriers if he's happy like that. I found the baby bjorn was really bad for my shoulders and back. I got an ergo baby and can still carry my 16 month old who is also a big baby (over two stone now).

How is weaning going? i also found that once i started giving him a bit more food he was happier. He's low sleep needs so i don't struggle with naps but as a big boy he needs to eat a lot!

x

My son was like this, he probably had silent reflux, but that wasn't a thing when he was born. At least it wasn't mentioned.....
He has been diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 21. He's incredibly intelligent but basically was completely overstimulated all the time as a baby. I have no advice, he's a wonderful man now, but bloody hell. Until he could crawl, he was a nightmare......

I really feel for you and if you live near me I would gladly help you look after your baby to give you a break, pm me if you want to discuss, I'm serious!

My DC2 was exactly like this. It was a living hell and I'm afraid I tried so much sleep training / diet changes and nothing I tried helped. I very nearly lost my marbles. The only thing that did make a difference was time, in my case.

I wish SO MUCH I'd looked after myself better and paid for more help - instead I spent all my time trying to fix things, which was stressful and didn't work. It's so so so important that you are in as good a place as you can be, for yourself and your child.

My first was exactly as you describe. It was bloody tough. In fact, on reflection I wish I'd gone back to work earlier as we were all miles happier once I worked PT and he went to nursery a bit.

Happy to say he grew out of it once he could walk and a delight once he could talk. No terrible twos here... his first year was the tough part so every other phase has been much easier! He's always been a bit on the grumpy side though, but once he could move and talk he is able to get himself out of it much quicker and isn't reliant on me to entertain him so I get space.

Hang in there. It'll get easier quite soon!

Some babies are just like that. My middle son was a nightmare baby, his first year was hard. DS1 & DS3 had such different personalities & a lot easier! DS2 is still very stubborn now at 4 (he’s amazing, such a character, but very stubborn & quite introvert).
I feel for you as it’s bloody hard work

Could he be hungry ? Try giving him some more food maybe introduce a morning bottle of formula to see if it satisfys him more

I know you don't want to sleep train and people have such strong opinions on the subject, but I see it as mother's have to teach babies how to eat, how to talk, walk etc. You also have to teach them how to sleep. You don't have to CIO, there are lots of softer versions of sleep training.
At the end of the day you are at breaking point. If you can sleep train gently and it solves your problems, surely it's worth it? You're worried it is cruel, but having a baby distressed constantly from exhaustion is surely far more damaging - for you both.

@Franca123

I think there's an awful lot of nonsense thrown around about damaging your child by leaving them to cry a bit. I've heard more than one person describe it as child abuse. I've seen so many friends broken by co-sleeping and not teaching their children to sleep threw the night. Personally we've let ours cry a bit since they were a couple of months old and I'm very glad we did. Unless you have a handful of people to share the nights with, no human can do it alone night after night. Humans needs unbroken sleep! Plus, I'm never sure why people think it's a good idea for the child to be up multiple times through the night? I totally appreciate however that you feel you're in a place where you can't deal with the crying so you feel you need take the path of least resistance and feed during the night....... I've definitely felt like that too. Could you start off small. Carry on feeding in the nights but try to structure structure day and improve day time naps?

With respect your post is also damaging nonsense to many parents of babies like the one described in the OP with whom leaving them to cry "a bit" often doesn't work. All posts like yours do is make them feel like they're a failure, why can't their baby learn like the other babies do, what are they doing wrong etc etc.

It didn't bloody work for our DC2, despite us persisting for several days at a time and trying it multiple times. It did for dc1 so I know what I'm talking about.

No one thinks it's a good idea for their baby to be up all night ffs. No one wants that. Some people don't have a choice.

You obviously had easier babies if all you had to deal with was a bit of crying and not several hours of ear splitting screaming that didn't change no matter what you did.

My daughter was like this. It was HARD. I felt like I was such a crap mum and fretted about her and felt guilty for not enjoying her baby toddler days more. One of my friends once observed that ‘crying seems to be the default setting’

I never did work out what the problem was, but she started to get better around the age of three, and now at nine, she’s the most amazing, funny, caring, creative little human ever. I tell her stories (exaggerated for comic effect) about what she was like as a baby and she kills herself laughing at them.

You just need to somehow get through each day and remember it won’t always be like this. I was at softplay with my niece at the weekend and she was a dead placid baby/toddler but now aged seven has developed some slightly histrionic tendencies. I was thinking to myself maybe I was better off having had the arsey baby?!

If you have a partner, get their support and make sure you get plenty of breaks from your baby as it’s quite draining when they are like this.

Remember, this won’t be forever and in my experience kids get better with age (although I’ve not hit the teenage years yet; may reconsider that position then)

@Keladrythesaviour

I know you don't want to sleep train and people have such strong opinions on the subject, but I see it as mother's have to teach babies how to eat, how to talk, walk etc. You also have to teach them how to sleep. You don't have to CIO, there are lots of softer versions of sleep training. At the end of the day you are at breaking point. If you can sleep train gently and it solves your problems, surely it's worth it? You're worried it is cruel, but having a baby distressed constantly from exhaustion is surely far more damaging - for you both.

I didn't teach my child how to walk, or eat, or talk actually - I just talked to them? They fed themselves? And also managed to walk when they were ready too? Amazingly they can do all of those things fine now, including sleep (and not one type of sleep training ever worked on one of my DCs, so they didn't learn from that either - they did however get there when they were ready)

My second was like this. Honestly she drove me up the wall. I ended up on anti depressants and off work for months because I just couldn't cope anymore. She had every test under the sodding sun and nothing helped.

She eventually outgrew it- I swear she just hated being a baby, she walked early and talked early and then it all seemed to get a bit easier as she could do more herself and communicate. She's 5 now and still has the propensity to be whingy or bad tempered, still sleeps badly BUT is a million times better than what she was. I remember taking her out for a long walk in a pram with headphones in so I couldn't hear the screaming and wishing I had the nerve to leave her somewhere safe and walk away.

It was honestly awful. I hated myself and there were times I hated her. How much of that was down to my mental health deteriorating from 2-3 hours of broken sleep a night for a couple of years/ logic as she was an awful baby to be around I don't know. It destroyed me as I felt like an absolutely awful mum. I still struggle now looking back on it all and don't think I'll ever forgive myself for reacting the way that I did but I wouldn't change her for the world now.

A better sling definitely sounds like it might help. I could and can walk for hours with a child in my connecta/ integra. X

OP, in the nicest possible way, what you are killing yourself to do currently isn't working. Books and 'experts' don't know your baby, you do. Previous posters are absolutely correct - you need - for yourself as much as your baby - for him to sleep for solid periods of time. Sleep training doesn't make you a terrible mum. All of our mothers did it and MOST of us are ok...

@myheartskippedabeat

"They sat down with their wines"?????

Very responsible with small babies!!!!

Oh come on.

You really think it’s irresponsible to enjoy a glass of wine? In what way, exactly? We’re presumably not talking about getting wasted, but a small bit of enjoyment in a day (and night) that’s otherwise almost completely devoted to meeting the baby’s needs 24/7.

What risk, exactly, do you think a mother having one glass of wine poses to her baby?

Absolutely no need to be rigidly perfectionist about things. Or to be sanctimonious and upset mothers who are just trying to do their best.

OP, this sounds very challenging and it sounds like you’re doing a great job at trying to meet his needs.

Like pps I was wondering about food intolerances. Might be worth doing a trial without dairy, soy, gluten and egg. Perhaps best to speak to a HCP about that.

Just seeing @nanbread 's kind offer has reminded me of Homestart who I volunteer with. Please self refer to your local group. We can provide support in lots of ways, even looking after baby while you go for a bath /nap. Sometimes it's just a friendly ear and a cuppa. All the best @Newmama93

DS1 was like this. I lasted four months. Stopped bf, put him in nursery pt and went back to work. We had zero family help so I paid for it for my own sanity and to get a break.
Instantly he slept better and life improved 100%.
Now 18, just gone to uni and all bonded just fine.

Agree with others that say he's chronically over tired, as are you by the sound of it. It's very difficult. Does he nap well?

At 7 months they often get over stimulated. You really do not need to do any entertaining at all. The world around then really is enough so I would try to do a lot less and work on a solid routine of trying to get a good regular nap in. My daughter was the same, constant crying, hated everything wouldn't nap in the park etc. Eventually I gave in and stayed at home to encourage a good nap, she resisted initially but after a a few days would nap for a good 2/3 hours and it was a game changer. She was happier and I had some downtime to chill.

Park should read pram!!

Some babies are just like this I think, unfortunately there isn’t always a reason for it. The great news is they do grow out of it eventually! So by all means explore things with a HV or doctor but some babies are just way harder work than others. Just find what works for you. Trial and error. Take everything one day at time.

Op you need a break and an hour from your dm isn't enough.

Book him in to hursery a couple of mornings a week so you get chance to recharge your batteries and have a rest. Or a childminder. You sound at breaking point .

Agree with others he is grouchy because he is chronically overtired. Some dc learn to sleep independently, others need parents to help. It isn't easy, our youngest was like this but you need to pick a night, sleep during the day to prepare you and just sssh and pat him when he cries overnight but that's it. Don't fuss on, don't feed, do not pick up. All these things prolong the agony of having an hourly waker who then becomes a constant screamer who is so sensory overloaded. He needs a full night's sleep. Good luck.

No one thinks it's a good idea for their baby to be up all night ffs. No one wants that. Some people don't have a choice.

I disagree with this. I think a lot of "gentle parenting" books take the position that it is normal - indeed positive - for an older baby to still feed multiple times in the night, and completely ignore the fact that for many, many mothers and babies this isn't some primitive, instinctive and deeply bonding activity that happens while both are blissfully half asleep, but instead is a miserable and relentless cycle in which everyone is wide awake multiple times a night and both the mother and baby's sleep is severely compromised.

Although sleep training was an absolute lifeline for us I would never assume to push it on someone else. How could I know what would be best for someone else's baby? But since my own experience of learning the hard way just how much bullshit is preached in baby books I'm always compassionate about mothers who are struggling to "do the right thing".

DC1 was a bit like this, DC2 I could leave on a playmat quietly playing for so long I'd forget they were there & they would fall asleep. It's not anything you're doing wrong, some babies are just like this.
I'd second a wrap sling, I could carry DCs till they were big toddlers.
And going out of the room and shouting or swearing, just something to let your tension out.
And hang on in there, it is SO hard but you will get there.

@cheeseismydownfall

No one thinks it's a good idea for their baby to be up all night ffs. No one wants that. Some people don't have a choice.

I disagree with this. I think a lot of "gentle parenting" books take the position that it is normal - indeed positive - for an older baby to still feed multiple times in the night, and completely ignore the fact that for many, many mothers and babies this isn't some primitive, instinctive and deeply bonding activity that happens while both are blissfully half asleep, but instead is a miserable and relentless cycle in which everyone is wide awake multiple times a night and both the mother and baby's sleep is severely compromised.

Although sleep training was an absolute lifeline for us I would never assume to push it on someone else. How could I know what would be best for someone else's baby? But since my own experience of learning the hard way just how much bullshit is preached in baby books I'm always compassionate about mothers who are struggling to "do the right thing".

Indeed. I know plenty of mothers who believe it's normal and positive for toddlers to be feeding during the night. I also have friends who know the gentle parenting stuff they've been fed is crap but are struggling to through off the guilt of it. I agree it's everyone's choice. Also, I'm sure there's plenty of babies who will never sleep well no matter what you do. But to me, why jump to the conclusion your baby is just difficult? Surely try a routine and improving sleep before just giving up? I don't understand why it's wrong to suggest that the OP give solving the sleep issues a go........ I'm sorry if I made anyone feel shit.

@Franca123 I agree. Sleep is vital to anyones wellbeing. And while I don't think that gentle parenting is crap, I do agree that many parents are scared to sleep train their children as they are not comfortable with their child's quite normal reactions. But in the long run a good nights sleep, good naps all within some kind of routine is in everyone's bests interests when you have a very overtired baby, so that need to become a priority. There are gentle methods that work well but you still have to become more comfortable with a baby's response, as they will resist them for a couple of nights as it's not what they have got use to.

I contact nap after he wakes in the day to ensure he gets good naps. I also co sleep all night to try and help

Ah well done! It has to be reflux or allergies for certain then xx

@cheeseismydownfall

No one thinks it's a good idea for their baby to be up all night ffs. No one wants that. Some people don't have a choice.

I disagree with this. I think a lot of "gentle parenting" books take the position that it is normal - indeed positive - for an older baby to still feed multiple times in the night, and completely ignore the fact that for many, many mothers and babies this isn't some primitive, instinctive and deeply bonding activity that happens while both are blissfully half asleep, but instead is a miserable and relentless cycle in which everyone is wide awake multiple times a night and both the mother and baby's sleep is severely compromised.

Although sleep training was an absolute lifeline for us I would never assume to push it on someone else. How could I know what would be best for someone else's baby? But since my own experience of learning the hard way just how much bullshit is preached in baby books I'm always compassionate about mothers who are struggling to "do the right thing".

This ^

I would go as far as to say that many of the 'gentle parenting' and 'attachment parenting' guides and online forums push a relentless approach that can be massively damaging to the mental health of some (though not all, obviously) parents. Because they promote the idea that it's all normal and beautiful for babies to breastfeed through the day and the night for years and years, and that if you're struggling with any aspect of gentle/attachment parenting then you simply need to reset your mindset and learn to love it all because attachment/gentle parenting is the only way to do it, and to try anything else is wrong.

Which is just an awful way to make already exhausted parents feel worse.

There are so many different ways to parent/encourage healthy sleep etc etc. It doesn't have to be one extreme or another.

OP, another one agreeing with those saying the chances are that your baby is acutely overtired, as are you, no doubt. Even if there's something else going on, chances are the overtiredness will be exacerbating it all. I hope you can get some help and find a solution that works for you all. Sending you in the meantime.