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Original poster

Should I go back to my maiden name or keep my married name?

136 replies

lipglossandblusher · 23/10/2021 23:32

I’ve decided to come on Munster for some advice so here it goes.

I’m 36 and going through a divorce at the moment, I’ve been married to DH for 5 years, I was 31 when I married him. Once my divorce is finalised should I go back to my maiden name or keep my married name? Neither me or DH have any children.

OP posts:
mustlovegin · 25/10/2021 10:21

I kept MY married name because it’s a great name and I much preferred it to my birth name. It’s not ‘his name’ or ‘a constant reminder’ it’s simply a better surname and I like it

I don't understand how some can find it so easy to feel no emotional attachment to their birth family (or their birth surname) at all

maofteens · 25/10/2021 10:29

Go back to your old name. You were that for so much longer than your married name. No kids - that's the main reason I'd keep a married name so I'd have the same one, but not the case for you.
My husband's ex was married for over 20 years and she went back - sort of re-establishing her identity.

parkrunner1977 · 25/10/2021 10:29

I kept my married name after my divorce because I read somewhere that to go back to maiden meant changing it by deed poll, that it wasn't just something that could be automatically updated like when you get wed (not sure how correct that actually was?). We didn't have any kids either. I remarried roughly 18 months after the divorce was finalised anyway so I didn't actually have to keep it long!

FluffyBooBoo · 25/10/2021 10:40

I don't understand how some can find it so easy to feel no emotional attachment to their birth family (or their birth surname) at all

Don't you? What if the surname was utterly uninspiring, like 'Smith'? Or is the kind of name people might snigger at, like 'Gaywood' or 'Shufflebottom'? Locally, the surname 'Twatt' disappeared, mainly because some people dropped the first 'T'. I don't think I would be emotionally attached to any of those names.

NavigatingAdolescence · 25/10/2021 10:41

@Finknottlesnewt

I kept my married name after divorce because it had become MY name. I didn't 'borrow' it from my ex husband. I changed my name to his upon marriage - being of sound mind and an actual grown adult female with the agency if CHOICE. I chose to call myself by the same surname as him simply because I liked his name better than the one given to me at birth. (That one was just ugly and slightly 'amusing' - think along the lines of 'Pratt' ) A few years later I again changed my surname to that of my new husband. Again - nothing to do with the fucking patriarchy - but everything to do with my choice . My name that I shared with my ex - although prettier than my birth name - was foreign and I had got bored of spelling it out... and new DH came with an easy to spell plain surname (Think something like Robinson) .. and marriage gave me the free opportunity to make the change without hassle and cost of deed poll.

Really fucking makes me angry when women ACCUSE other women of being in some way thick as shit and controlled by a man because they CHOOSE to share their husbands name. Give women the credit of the ability to consider their options and making a choice that is what they WANT !!

How often are men expected to think about making a choice about their name?
claireb7rg · 25/10/2021 12:25

@mustlovegin

I kept MY married name because it’s a great name and I much preferred it to my birth name. It’s not ‘his name’ or ‘a constant reminder’ it’s simply a better surname and I like it

I don't understand how some can find it so easy to feel no emotional attachment to their birth family (or their birth surname) at all

Try having a surname that has rude connotations or similar. Then you will see how it's possible
claireb7rg · 25/10/2021 12:29

@pinkyredrose

I kept my married name after divorce because it had become MY name. I didn't 'borrow' it from my ex husband. I changed my name to his upon marriage - being of sound mind and an actual grown adult female with the agency if CHOICE. I chose to call myself by the same surname as him simply because I liked his name better than the one given to me at birth. (That one was just ugly and slightly 'amusing' - think along the lines of 'Pratt' ) A few years later I again changed my surname to that of my new husband. Again - nothing to do with the fucking patriarchy - but everything to do with my choice . My name that I shared with my ex - although prettier than my birth name - was foreign and I had got bored of spelling it out... and new DH came with an easy to spell plain surname (Think something like Robinson) .. and marriage gave me the free opportunity to make the change without hassle and cost of deed poll.

You sound like you're finding lots of excuses as to why changing name was your 'choice'. If your previous surnames were so unpalatable then why did you wait until marriage to change them to that of your husband(s)?

It's free to change your name and it's no more 'hassle' changing it whether you're married or not.

It's not free if you need a new passport etc. And it's a lot of hassle, which is why lots of us haven't changed names outside of marriage.

Banks, driving licence, passports, email addresses etc.

I have the wrong title on one of my bank accounts, they want me to take proof of the change into a branch. The nearest branch is 10 Miles away, somewhere I don't go that often and what proof can I provide of the change of a wrong title. I don't have any evidence of changing to that title in the first place... After my divorce (and keeping my married name) I reverted to using Ms, the bank have miss. I've never been miss married name.

Sorberret · 25/10/2021 12:34

Go back to your birth name or choose a completely new name for yourself. I find women taking their husband's name after marriage really archaic.

AnnieSnap · 25/10/2021 12:52

@claireb7rg If your bank is so obtuse, maybe change your bank and open the new account with Ms. There is nothing legal about a title, it’s just a choice. That’s why it’s never included on a passport or driving licence!

claireb7rg · 25/10/2021 12:54

[quote AnnieSnap]@claireb7rg If your bank is so obtuse, maybe change your bank and open the new account with Ms. There is nothing legal about a title, it’s just a choice. That’s why it’s never included on a passport or driving licence![/quote]
Unfortunately it's my mortgage account and we're fixed for 4 1/2 more years... Not so easy to move but it's why I haven't bothered sorting it out.

I was just saying why it's not always so easy to change your name....

StoneColdBitch · 25/10/2021 12:54

Surprised by all the people who make decisions about which name to have based on the logistics of taking their children abroad. I'm married but work under my birth name so have kept my passport and driving licence in that name. My children have my husband's surname. Nobody has ever assumed I'm not their mother! Sometimes people assume we're not married, but when I correct them, they understand perfectly easily! (In fairness, it may be easier because the children's birth certificates have both my names on: I am listed as "Firstname Middle Married otherwise Firstname Middle Birth".)

In this situation I would choose whichever name you prefer, OP. If you are already established professionally as your married name then that is a perfectly mainstream reason to keep it! You don't need to justify your choice to others: it's your name.

That said, I don't think it's unreasonable that some posters have pointed out that keeping your married name if you don't have kids may raise eyebrows - the only person in my social circle who kept her married name after divorce was certainly gossiped about, with people assuming she was still hung up on her ex and hoping for a reconciliation. (It turned out she was, which was a bit awkward Confused) The decision you make may cause others to gossip, but you can't let that dictate your life choices - just be prepared for it.

claireb7rg · 25/10/2021 12:56

@StoneColdBitch

Surprised by all the people who make decisions about which name to have based on the logistics of taking their children abroad. I'm married but work under my birth name so have kept my passport and driving licence in that name. My children have my husband's surname. Nobody has ever assumed I'm not their mother! Sometimes people assume we're not married, but when I correct them, they understand perfectly easily! (In fairness, it may be easier because the children's birth certificates have both my names on: I am listed as "Firstname Middle Married otherwise Firstname Middle Birth".)

In this situation I would choose whichever name you prefer, OP. If you are already established professionally as your married name then that is a perfectly mainstream reason to keep it! You don't need to justify your choice to others: it's your name.

That said, I don't think it's unreasonable that some posters have pointed out that keeping your married name if you don't have kids may raise eyebrows - the only person in my social circle who kept her married name after divorce was certainly gossiped about, with people assuming she was still hung up on her ex and hoping for a reconciliation. (It turned out she was, which was a bit awkward Confused) The decision you make may cause others to gossip, but you can't let that dictate your life choices - just be prepared for it.

I've never once been accused of being hung up on my ex. I was with a new partner (and still am) before my divorce was finalised (he wasn't on the scene when I left my ex though) and no one has batted an eye lid at my name...
ElevenBells · 25/10/2021 12:57

They are both your names. You didn’t “take” your husband’s name (such an old fashioned term) you changed it so your names would match. As soon ad you changed it that name was as much yours as it is his. So pick whoever one your prefer. Or choose a completely new one 😊

PaperMonster · 25/10/2021 13:03

@StoneColdBitch I’m not married to my daughter’s father and she has a different surname to me. The only time I travelled abroad with her alone, she got a grilling from the passport people when we returned to the UK - she was about six and was exhausted and could hardly keep her eyes open. The passport chap was quite officious and rude. It was quite an unpleasant experience. But not enough to make me consider changing my name!!!

AnnieSnap · 25/10/2021 13:42

I think the Spanish approach is good. Children are given both parents last names and they don’t have a tradition of changing names. This is their culture. It’s interesting, since, to my knowledge, Spain has in the past, probably due to being a predominantly a RC country, been more patriarchal than than most of the UK.

Skeumorph · 25/10/2021 13:44

Well, it's your name now too. You can do anything you want really.

Maybe tell him he should change his - it's only his father's name after all.

:)

Sorberret · 25/10/2021 14:20

12:57ElevenBells

They are both your names. You didn’t “take” your husband’s name (such an old fashioned term) you changed it so your names would match. As soon ad you changed it that name was as much yours as it is his. So pick whoever one your prefer. Or choose a completely new one

Funny though how women end up 'changing' their name to match their husband's but not men

ElevenBells · 25/10/2021 15:34

It’s becoming increasingly common in my circles for men to change or double barrell their names. I just don’t get why it’s such a contentious issue. I don’t think any less of friends who changed their surname after marriage nor do I think they’re ‘bad feminists’. Jesus, there are enough issues regarding women’s rights and equality without arguing over what surname a woman has. Let her decide for herself!

trappedsincesundaymorn · 25/10/2021 16:30

@mustlovegin

I kept MY married name because it’s a great name and I much preferred it to my birth name. It’s not ‘his name’ or ‘a constant reminder’ it’s simply a better surname and I like it

I don't understand how some can find it so easy to feel no emotional attachment to their birth family (or their birth surname) at all

When your birth name looks like a cat has randomly walked over the keyboard when it's typed out, then you might understand. When I told my parents that I would not be reverting back to my birth name their response was " We don't blame you darling".
TroysMammy · 25/10/2021 16:57

Call yourself what you like. Remember on Mumsnet "no-one owns a name".

NearLifeExperience · 25/10/2021 17:15

I don't understand how some can find it so easy to feel no emotional attachment to their birth family (or their birth surname) at all

I had to think for a second to recall what my birth name even was! I have no emotional attachment to it whatsoever. That does NOT mean I (or anyone else happy to ditch birth name) have no connection with my birth family; I'm connected to people, not words.

MojoJojo71 · 25/10/2021 18:20

I don't understand how some can find it so easy to feel no emotional attachment to their birth family (or their birth surname) at all

In turn I don’t understand how you can possibly think that because I like my current surname more than the one I was given at birth means I have ‘no emotional attachment to my birth family’. 🤔

junglejane66 · 25/10/2021 18:24

I would say chose the one you like best, you might have had an awful maiden name

user1471538283 · 25/10/2021 18:25

Change it back or change it. My DM kept my DFs name while although common seemed mad to me.

ToddlerMumma · 25/10/2021 18:58

I got divorced at 30 and kept my married name for 10yrs until I remarried. It was just too much of a faff to change name on everything plus the 'oh, have you got married?' Questions when I'd just got divorced. Strangely, my ex husband and I got remarried the same year and our spouses had the same surname so it was like the universe setting things right again Grin