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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I go back to my maiden name or keep my married name?

136 replies

lipglossandblusher · 23/10/2021 23:32

I’ve decided to come on Munster for some advice so here it goes.

I’m 36 and going through a divorce at the moment, I’ve been married to DH for 5 years, I was 31 when I married him. Once my divorce is finalised should I go back to my maiden name or keep my married name? Neither me or DH have any children.

OP posts:
supercritter · 25/10/2021 06:50

My cousin decided to change to her mother's birth name when she got divorced

QuitMoaning · 25/10/2021 07:24

@Newwifeatnumber10

Keeping a married name for the sake of the children is just a convenient excuse. Why a woman would want the same name as her ex husband baffles me but her choice, just don’t use a bullshit excuse as having the same name as your kids.
It is not a bullshit excuse. In my case it was a valid reason and I expect it was with many others. It made many things easier especially travel with a young child.

Why is this site filled with so many woman who come here to judge rather than support?

SoupDragon · 25/10/2021 07:32

Why a woman would want the same name as her ex husband baffles me

Because it's her name.

All the faux bafflement is pathetic.

gofg · 25/10/2021 07:34

Why a woman would want the same name as her ex husband baffles me

Maybe, just maybe, not everyone hates their ex husband?

ftw163532 · 25/10/2021 07:37

It's so fucking depressing that not only do so many women still view their surname as on temporary loan from men (without any apparent inkling of how disturbing that is), but that so many other women see fit to use shame and judgment to try and enforce that dysfunctional mindset.

fashionSOS · 25/10/2021 07:45

If it ended amicably, I think it would be largely based on which name I liked best.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/10/2021 07:47

Firstly your 'maiden' name is just your name.
Secondly, you have as much right to continue using the name you share with your ex husband if you want to.
Personally I would never change my name in the first place but in your situation I'd change back and then never change it again!

Roselilly36 · 25/10/2021 07:48

I would go back to maiden name, as my maiden name was different to my surname at birth.

MimiDaisy11 · 25/10/2021 08:03

@Newwifeatnumber10

Keeping a married name for the sake of the children is just a convenient excuse. Why a woman would want the same name as her ex husband baffles me but her choice, just don’t use a bullshit excuse as having the same name as your kids.
It’s not an excuse though. It makes travel easier. I’ve seen people questioned on their relationship with a child they’re travelling with as they have different surnames. I’m sure as well there are other situations where it’s easier to identify or contact someone because of it. Of course there’s the option of the child changing name as well as the mother to mother’s birth name but then I imagine that would be extra hassle and might need permission of both parents.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/10/2021 08:08

It’s not an excuse though. It makes travel easier. I’ve seen people questioned on their relationship with a child they’re travelling with as they have different surnames.

This old chestnut

How often do you travel abroad with your kids? A couple of times a year at most? And all you have to do is have a photo of their birth certificate saved on your phone. Half the time they don't ask anyway, so the ' inconvenience' of having a different surname represents the time it takes to show someone a photo on your phone a maximum of 4 times per year. Totally worth changing your entire surname for Hmm

HouseOfFire · 25/10/2021 08:09

@Newwifeatnumber10

Keeping a married name for the sake of the children is just a convenient excuse. Why a woman would want the same name as her ex husband baffles me but her choice, just don’t use a bullshit excuse as having the same name as your kids.
How is it bullshit to want the same name as your children?

If you have decided to use a name for any reason (including marriage) then it's YOUR name.

NearLifeExperience · 25/10/2021 08:21

If I divorced now (unlikely) I'd keep my name. I call it "my name" not "my married name"; it's my name because I chose it. I didn't have to. And I've had it for longer than I had my birth name, which I didn't choose. And I prefer it to my birth name.

Sure, DH had it first, but others had it before him. It's my name. It's idiotic to suggest that it's "controlling" (controlling whom? How?Confused) or "sad" to continue to use your own name that you've been using for years or decades.

OP use whichever name you like.

Floofsquidge · 25/10/2021 08:26

I kept my married name on divorce in my professional life as that was the name I had an established reputation in. Plus I am very private and did not want any questions on changing my name back and keep having to answer questions from clients who would likely assume I'd just got married and try to congratulate me. No children and amicable-ish.

donemeover · 25/10/2021 08:42

It’s not an excuse though. It makes travel easier. I’ve seen people questioned on their relationship with a child they’re travelling with as they have different surnames.

It's the shittest excuse ever. Do you really think with the number of unmarried couple and broken families that exist in 2021 that customs at airports are still unfamiliar with children who have different surname to their parents?

Give it a rest!

zafferana · 25/10/2021 08:45

The OP doesn't have DC.

OP, unless you hate your maiden name I would change it back.

smoko · 25/10/2021 08:48

I can understand if your maiden name was something grim like "Whitehead" or if you had a toxic relationship with your family & didn't want to carry that family name.

But still don't get the argument that you're married so it's "your name" now

It's the name of a bloke you've married & since split with. If you'd never met him you wouldn't have that name! You'd have the name you were given at birth. If you've split why have his name attached to you like a bad smell?

But I once broke up with someone because they said they'd be hurt if I didn't take their name when we got married, so am coming from a place where I like my name & wouldn't want to change it in the first place.

Movingsoon21 · 25/10/2021 08:52

This is why women shouldn’t automatically change their name on marriage - avoids situations like this. Oh and always give your kids your surname, not your husband’s (and definitely not your partner’s).

It might be “tradition” to change your name but it’s a crap tradition for women!

mustlovegin · 25/10/2021 09:00

Go back to your maiden name OP

ToastieSnowy · 25/10/2021 09:01

Your choices are stick with married name, go back to maiden name, choose a new name. It’s up to you. Is there something about your married name you like or something about your maiden name you hate? Or vice versus?

I kept my married name as I have DCs and did not want to go back to my maiden name. I would have gone with an entirely new name if not for the DCs.

Finknottlesnewt · 25/10/2021 09:12

I kept my married name after divorce because it had become MY name. I didn't 'borrow' it from my ex husband. I changed my name to his upon marriage - being of sound mind and an actual grown adult female with the agency if CHOICE. I chose to call myself by the same surname as him simply because I liked his name better than the one given to me at birth. (That one was just ugly and slightly 'amusing' - think along the lines of 'Pratt' )
A few years later I again changed my surname to that of my new husband. Again - nothing to do with the fucking patriarchy - but everything to do with my choice . My name that I shared with my ex - although prettier than my birth name - was foreign and I had got bored of spelling it out... and new DH came with an easy to spell plain surname (Think something like Robinson) .. and marriage gave me the free opportunity to make the change without hassle and cost of deed poll.

Really fucking makes me angry when women ACCUSE other women of being in some way thick as shit and controlled by a man because they CHOOSE to share their husbands name. Give women the credit of the ability to consider their options and making a choice that is what they WANT !!

NearLifeExperience · 25/10/2021 09:35

But still don't get the argument that you're married so it's "your name" now

It's the name of a bloke you've married & since split with.

No, it's "your name" if you choose for it to be. Whether you're currently married to someone who had it first or not.
I'd say it's more someone's name than one they didn't choose. It's not a loan to give back; husbands, whether ex or current, don't own names.

NearLifeExperience · 25/10/2021 09:36

And everything @Finknottlesnewt said!

MimiDaisy11 · 25/10/2021 10:08

@donemeover

It’s not an excuse though. It makes travel easier. I’ve seen people questioned on their relationship with a child they’re travelling with as they have different surnames.

It's the shittest excuse ever. Do you really think with the number of unmarried couple and broken families that exist in 2021 that customs at airports are still unfamiliar with children who have different surname to their parents?

Give it a rest!

Maybe give a rest to judging other women about how they live their lives and what they choose to do with their name!

And obviously customs in a lot of countries will be aware of it but they still check more frequently. It's not the only reason. That was an example. I've heard women complain about different kind of mix-ups because of the difference.

pinkyredrose · 25/10/2021 10:09

I kept my married name after divorce because it had become MY name. I didn't 'borrow' it from my ex husband. I changed my name to his upon marriage - being of sound mind and an actual grown adult female with the agency if CHOICE. I chose to call myself by the same surname as him simply because I liked his name better than the one given to me at birth. (That one was just ugly and slightly 'amusing' - think along the lines of 'Pratt' )
A few years later I again changed my surname to that of my new husband. Again - nothing to do with the fucking patriarchy - but everything to do with my choice . My name that I shared with my ex - although prettier than my birth name - was foreign and I had got bored of spelling it out... and new DH came with an easy to spell plain surname (Think something like Robinson) .. and marriage gave me the free opportunity to make the change without hassle and cost of deed poll.

You sound like you're finding lots of excuses as to why changing name was your 'choice'. If your previous surnames were so unpalatable then why did you wait until marriage to change them to that of your husband(s)?

It's free to change your name and it's no more 'hassle' changing it whether you're married or not.

MojoJojo71 · 25/10/2021 10:15

Just use whichever is the best one.

I was married for 8 years, been divorced for 20. He was an arsehole but I kept MY married name because it’s a great name and I much preferred it to my birth name. It’s not ‘his name’ or ‘a constant reminder’ it’s simply a better surname and I like it.

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