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Original poster

Should I go back to my maiden name or keep my married name?

136 replies

lipglossandblusher · 23/10/2021 23:32

I’ve decided to come on Munster for some advice so here it goes.

I’m 36 and going through a divorce at the moment, I’ve been married to DH for 5 years, I was 31 when I married him. Once my divorce is finalised should I go back to my maiden name or keep my married name? Neither me or DH have any children.

OP posts:
NavigatingAdolescence · 24/10/2021 09:34

@Purplecatshopaholic

I went back to my birth name. A bit of a hassle, yes, but worth it. Why on earth would anyone keep their married name.. A couple of my friends picked completely new names when they divorced.
Your ex-husband did, presumably……..
QuitMoaning · 24/10/2021 09:37

@smoko

When no kids are involved it seems a bit sad to keep your married name. I'd think the person had a lack of identity, struggling to move on & possibly controlling if they kept their married name in those circumstances.
What a judgemental post. I kept my ExH surname when I divorced as I did have a son but he is an adult now and I am in a long term relationship (probably getting married in a couple of years) and still have my exH surname. I just cannot be bothered to go through the hassle and change my name to anything else I am very confident in my own identity but surprised that I would get this judgement from other women.

When I remarry, I will change my name as it is from my first husband but I have the choice of doing whatever I want without any judgement.

SoupDragon · 24/10/2021 09:38

Why on earth would anyone keep their married name

Because it's their name and they want to keep it?

HouseOfFire · 24/10/2021 09:41

@smoko

When no kids are involved it seems a bit sad to keep your married name. I'd think the person had a lack of identity, struggling to move on & possibly controlling if they kept their married name in those circumstances.
Really? You wouldn't think, oh thats their name??

Controlling? As Erin's mum would say "catch yourself on" I think you're probably projecting Hmm

fluoropostit · 24/10/2021 09:41

@WomanStanleyWoman

Like Sarah Millican. I wonder sometimes what she and her XH feel about her being successful with his name. It was an amicable split though so maybe neither of them is bothered.

Demi Moore and Lucy Lawless also became famous with surnames from their first marriages. I can see why you wouldn’t revert to your maiden name if you’re just getting established in an industry where name recognition is everything. It almost becomes like a stage name.

And it’s not like any of these women were ‘trading on a man’s name’ - it wasn’t a surname that made them successful! Who could pick Freddie Moore out of a line-up?

And Agatha Christie! The greatest ex-husband-tease. Grin
NavigatingAdolescence · 24/10/2021 09:52

Imagine how many (tens/hundreds of thousands) of hours of admin could be saved for women every year if the societal expectation was that they kept their own names and passed them on to their children automatically rather than the outdated, sexist 1800s bollocks perpetuated by so many still. The spas would be full!

trappedsincesundaymorn · 24/10/2021 10:04

Why on earth would anyone keep their married name

In my case (I've been divorced 22 years and never reverted back to my birth name), it's easier to spell, pronounce and doesn't result in endless "ooooh that's a bit of a mouthful" comments. So I prefer to keep my married name if that's ok with you.

pinkyredrose · 24/10/2021 10:06

Why don't you pick a new name?

trappedsincesundaymorn · 24/10/2021 10:08

Oh and DD has her dad's surname because I refuse to saddle her with my birth name

Stompythedinosaur · 24/10/2021 10:50

You can use either name as is your preference!

The surname you have used for the last five years is not owned by someone else. It wasn't loaned to you for only as long as you kept shagging the original owner. It is your name and you can keep using it as long as you like.

Thr idea that women aren't other owners of their own names is deeply sexist.

EmotionalSupportBear · 24/10/2021 10:54

i'm having this dilemma, but we do have kids. I'm leaning more lately to going back to my birth name tbh though.

I don't want to be mrs 'abusive ex name' any more i don't think.. whats making me hesitate a bit is the PITA of changing it everywhere as i've been using my married surname for 17 years.

Muchmorethan · 24/10/2021 11:25

I asked MN this same question previously as a friend made me question my decision to keep my name as XH was getting remarried.

I kept my name on divorce mainly as we have DC but also l couldn't be hassled to change all documents etc.

I also like my married surname and l don't like "Miss" or "Ms"

laurenGame · 24/10/2021 22:03

@VillKrill

Why on earth would you keep his name in those circumstances?! Change it and make a fresh start!
I kept mine after divorce. It's not a borrowed name, it's legally mine. It sounds better too and it's my choice to keep it.
Willyoujustbequiet · 25/10/2021 00:48

As soon as a woman changes her name on marriage it's her name. It's not on loan. It belongs to her as much as it does him.

Men are not the gatekeepers of names. A few posters need to check their internalised misogyny. There is nothing to justify. It's not her married name to be gotten rid of on divorce - it's simply her name.

We dont go around asking men to change theirs on divorce Hmm

ItsNotNormalLove · 25/10/2021 01:31

I love my married name and detest my birth name. So should DH and I ever divorce, I'm keeping this name, no question. Pretty sure he wouldn't be at all bothered as he knows my history.

FancyNan · 25/10/2021 04:53

Birth name as you're entering a new chapter in your life so start it without any ties to the old one. I kept my birth name after marriage as it's part of my identity. I haven't experienced any problems travelling with my dc.

Marvellousmadness · 25/10/2021 05:00

Id keep my ex dh's name as thats a way cooler name than my birthnameBlush
Fuck that. You can choose whatever you want. Your life.
Its just a name. And if you wanna keep it. Keep it. And if you wanna revert back. Do that. There is no right or wrong:)

Newwifeatnumber10 · 25/10/2021 05:43

Keeping a married name for the sake of the children is just a convenient excuse. Why a woman would want the same name as her ex husband baffles me but her choice, just don’t use a bullshit excuse as having the same name as your kids.

lmpeachment · 25/10/2021 06:08

I went back to my birth name after short marriage only because it sounded silly with my first name - think Jane Lane or Annie Penney

lmpeachment · 25/10/2021 06:10

How about us Mumsnetters choose you a new name??
How about Goldsmith??

TroysMammy · 25/10/2021 06:31

I kept my married name because I was too lazy to change mortgage, car, passport, driving licence, etc etc. It was a less common name than my other surname. It was an amicable, drifted apart divorce and I'd perfected my signature during 13 years of marriage Smile.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 25/10/2021 06:33

It's easy enough to do. Which name do you prefer? My married name was awful and I loved my maiden name, but I'd not have bothered if I liked my married name. Or you could use it as an opportunity to give yourself a really cool name

claireb7rg · 25/10/2021 06:40

@smoko

When no kids are involved it seems a bit sad to keep your married name. I'd think the person had a lack of identity, struggling to move on & possibly controlling if they kept their married name in those circumstances.
Wow!!!!

Really??

I was married for 7 years, have now been divorced for 5 but kept my married name. I didn't particularly like my birth name (got bullied at school for it), but all my work colleagues knew me as married name. I started my career properly just after I got married so colleagues have never known me as birth name.

I definitely have an identity so piss off with your comments

gofg · 25/10/2021 06:46

When no kids are involved it seems a bit sad to keep your married name. I'd think the person had a lack of identity, struggling to move on & possibly controlling if they kept their married name in those circumstances.

Well I would say you think wrong. I couldn't be bothered going through the hassle of changing my name and I wasn't particularly keen on my birth name. How does that make me "controlling"? I most certainly don't have a lack of identity, and I have moved on with great joy. I find people who make ridiculous judgements and feel the need to voice them beyond irritating.

OP, for goodness sake, use whichever name you want to - the choice is yours and yours alone.

gofg · 25/10/2021 06:48

Ha, ha - I hadn't got to the end of the thread when I wrote my comment just after yours @claireb7rg. I totally agree with your last line Grin