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AIBU?

To not be able to cope with this?

132 replies

saveusernamee · 23/10/2021 21:31

Newborn baby that just cries, all the time, I mean literally from the minute it opens it’s eyes from a nap/sleep to the second it goes back. It sleeps great to be fair but I am definitely struggling to bond, so is DH, we just can’t face looking after a tiny ball of rage anymore.

Toddler that screams and throws anything/everything. Climbs everything. Tries to hurt newborn every second of the day.

Tonight toddler cried from getting out of the bath to going to sleep so just shy of an hour (been whining since about 3) and baby cried from 6:30 - just now as I write this. Nothing would console either of them. What the fuck are we meant to do? Just live with this chorus of tears? It’s absolute hell.

In the end I just ended up crying the whole time the baby did and saying I can’t do this anymore, not that that means anything.. there’s nowhere to go, this is our life now. DH is on antidepressants and waiting CBT. I called the GP but didn’t see the point so didn’t go to my appointment. Everyone tells us it’s normal and not to wish the time away…. are they even serious? Have they not seen how bad life is?

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jamandmarmalade · 24/10/2021 05:53

if he is drawing his legs up it is probably trapped painful wind.

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Smartiesandhugs · 24/10/2021 07:36

If it’s CMPA then try longer on a special formula. Can take 6 weeks to get the milk out of their system. For us it took 1 week on neocate to help and stop reflux completely (sadly she was 8 month by the time a dietician actually listened) neocate or sma alfamino are the only completely dairy free formulas and need to be prescribed. Push for this and stick with it. It could just make a difference.

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saveusernamee · 24/10/2021 07:57

Thanks for all the replies I will try and answer some questions.

Lots of people saying cmpa: if it was cmpa wouldn’t it be worse, at least a tiny bit, on Norma milk formula compared to breast? The cmp in breastmilk simply has to be less than in full fat milk? That’s why I’m not sure it is that, it stopped our first from sleeping too.

The reason both HV and gp gave said ‘don’t rock the boat’ is because he sleeps great for such a tiny human, that because he does go down for 2-3 hour stretches in the day and night he can’t be in that much pain. I tend to agree, with our first baby who had cmpa he could get to or stay asleep because he was so incredibly uncomfortable.

The birth was ok for him I think not ok for me. His head was engaged but his body was transverse and the cord was wrapped around his neck. Contractions and pushing did nothing so we had cat 2 emcs.

Lactose intolerance: in infants that’s called galactosemia and is a super rare genetic condition which is life threatening and would have been picked up before we’d even left hospital. Sometimes the body doesn’t produce enough lactase due to inflammation (solving whatever is causing the inflammation will fix it too) so coleif drops which contain lactase should solve it if it’s that.

His legs, ah another interesting point, they always are up squished and tight looks like he has trapped wind. But again he came out like that, his hips/ankles were checked three times because he looked so crumpled up. All ok. He still looks like it though, it makes nappy change’s difficult because they’re tight up and crossed across his genitals.

Lots saying cranial osteopath, with the positioning of his body/legs point to that working? We don’t have lots of money but we’re desperate to spend if it’ll work.

Re: leaving the baby to cry if fed/changed. I physically can’t do that, neither can DH, that’s why we get so frantic trying to help. New positions, new belly stroking rhythms, new heights bouncing around the room.. whilst awake we are constantly trying to soothe him it is exhausting mentally.

I know calling him it is sad, most of all for me, I grew him for 9 long months went through a major abdominal surgery to get him out, felt a rush of love and protective instinct the second I held him and … now.. I get anxious the moment he stirs, I can’t wait for DH to take him shopping/out or for someone else to hold him. It’s awful. I want it to change, that’s why we’re desperately trying anything anyone says.

I probably do have pnd, that’s why I called the gp about me, I’m just not sure I see much point? Medication takes up to a month to kick in, cbt waiting list is about the same length of time here. I do have bupa but I recently changed it to family cover which is more diagnosis rather than cure so can’t help with this. I have absolutely no doubt that if he just stopped crying our moods would improve enormously. We could then leave the house to exercise and get some fresh air. At the moment the day is spent swaying between anxiousness when he’s about to wake up to pure stress when he is awake. Like I said up thread we both get to the point where we’re sweating trying to soothe him we’re so stressed. Breathing techniques don’t work, we used those lots to help our first baby to sleep when he had cmpa, really helped calm him.

All of the otc medicine has been tried for > 2 weeks, except the probiotics that’s 5 days. Dentinox is great and he burps enormous man sized burps.

This morning for example woke up for food at 6:20 had few oz, burped, led down and cried until a moment ago when he dropped back off. In that time I tried rocking, shhing, tiger in the tree, bouncing around and swaying, tight cuddles skin on skin and nothing soothed him. Then I just sat there wide him draped over my leg rubbing his back and he eventually stopped crying and went to sleep.

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saveusernamee · 24/10/2021 07:58

Our first baby couldn’t* not could.

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saveusernamee · 24/10/2021 08:10

Also yes, we do have support, they invariably want to take the toddler away though to ‘lighten the load’ but he’s the only thing keeping me going at the minute. He’s so much fun and the only thing that gives me any endorphins so I’m reluctant to accept that too much.

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Theunamedcat · 24/10/2021 08:19

Sounds like something more medical is needed here the legs shouldn't be like that

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Daisychainsandglitter · 24/10/2021 08:20

I'm not sure if breast milk is worse compared with formula for CMPA as I only formula fed but I do know that even some broken down milks for CMPA don't make any difference.
Like a PP, sadly I had 8 months of hell before I was prescribed Neocate for DD1.
DD1 was an excellent sleeper too. Probably as she was exhausted from screaming from the moment she woke until she went to sleep.
I would really push for a Neocate trial for a couple of weeks. It may really help you Thanks

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Daisychainsandglitter · 24/10/2021 08:22

I just wanted to add that my DD1 is 7 now and it's all very much a distant memory. It really affected my bonding with her but there will be an end to this and it will get better I promise.

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saveusernamee · 24/10/2021 08:27

Legs are like this little guy, this isnt him obviously since it’s from 2015 but like she describes: hard to change nappy because it’s difficult to unstretch them.

community.babycenter.com/post/a57028585/5_mos_old_still_keeps_his_legs_curled_up_-_normal

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Sceptre86 · 24/10/2021 08:28

You don't sound in a great place mentally so make an appointment with the Gp and go. Ask family, friends, get a babysitter to stay with the kids so you can have your appointment in peace. Reach out to the hv as you aren't happy and are struggling to bond with baby.
Lower your expectations right down. Get the shopping ordered in for now. If baby doesn't have a dummy, start introducing one. Do things with the baby and toddler together, so tummy time with baby, toddler plays on playmat. Try to coordinate their nap times so that you can sleep too, don't use that time to cook or clean. When your partner is home take some time to either batch cook meals at the weekend, or if you can afford something like Gusto go for it, if not reach out to family for some spare meals.

It was never going to be easy having two kids so close on age (been there, done that). Ultimately you need to get to the bottom of the excessive crying and be forceful in demanding help. It will get easier but for now be kind to yourself x

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saveusernamee · 24/10/2021 08:28

Thank you.
Since we’re on formula full time now I don’t see a problem changing it. I’ll speak to the go again this week.

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Newmum29 · 24/10/2021 08:52

If you have PND, I really would consider AD. Didn’t take a month for me, I noticed a huge difference by day 10.

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Theunamedcat · 24/10/2021 08:57

Having the legs tucked up all the time will be bad for digestion won't it?

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sleepingrabbits · 24/10/2021 09:38

Have you tried a baby carrier walking about ( exhausting I know) My theory has always been crying = hungry, even if just fed, but maybe it's colic crying ? Not that's there's anything you can do.

For Toddler I suggest little games like orchard first games or simple things like snap/ pair with a few cards ( not whole pack) whilst you sit on the sofa feeding and then copious amounts of hey dugee, Paw patrol, Paddington bear 🙂

www.orchardtoys.com/dept/first-games-age-18-months_d0117.htm

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saveusernamee · 24/10/2021 09:55

Oh that’s reassuring Newmum thanks for sharing.

Yes he doesn’t like stretchy wrap or structured carrier unfortunately, hates being confined. I reached out to baby wearing U.K. to check position for hips and all ok there for both carriers. Toddler doesn’t really sit still for tv, he’s a whirlwind.

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sleepingrabbits · 24/10/2021 10:24

Integra carriers are good, not stretchy and not the mega bulky structured, but both Dc only liked it walking so either laps of the house/ garden or out of the house. I did a lot of walking around looking at things, pictures, out the window ( even though they can't see much) but just chatting. We have a dog so did walk a lot.

Dare I say it ( as there's another post on it) but they also liked the car seat on the pram base as hated lying flat.

It is hard with a second one, but I promise you will get through it and it blurs into the past. No harm in finding something the toddler will watch like cocomelon on iplayer or YouTube, both mine loved watching nursery rhymes then short episode things. What's your toddler like to play with?

My DS liked Ricky zoom ( a motorbike cartoon), fireman Sam, paw patrol, DD likes paw patrol too and something on milkshake on 5 in the mornings with animals, think it's called Pip, but hey duggee and sometimes Peppa or that annoying rabbit bing.

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Thatsplentyjack · 24/10/2021 10:38

Mine wasn't quite as bad as this but enough to make me need to do something. My 2 babies before were the same and I used colief for months, but it oy helped slightly. With the third I had a revelation when I discovered you can actually buy lactose free milk over the counter (I don't know how long that has been available). Colief doesn't breakdown all the lactose. I spoke to the health visitor and the doctor about it (they were convinced it was reflux and had her on some pretty strong medication that didn't make a blind bit of difference and didn't want to give me lactose free milk). I found it in the shops a few days later and switched her over and she was like a different baby. Maybe worth a shot if you've tried everything else.

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EmotionalSupportBear · 24/10/2021 10:48

i haven't got any more advice, but i did just want to pop on today to send some internet love and support. You've got this, it WILL get better, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Flowers

If you can, leave baby with your H today and take toddler for a walk, (or just yourself) get some fresh air, watch some leaves fall.. go bug hunting, anything, just give yourself a little break. Brew

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Mummyford · 24/10/2021 11:47

I'm sorry @saveusernamee, that sounds so hard. I don't have experience with the constantly screaming baby, but I do want to say that I think even under easier circumstances, it's pretty normal for it to take longer to feel the same bond with a second baby.

With the first, you're so wrapped up in the pregnancy and experience, it's almost like you know the baby by osmosis by the time they're born. I remember being taken by surprise at how much DC2 was a totally different person than DC1 from the first day (and again with DC3). I remember just kind of faking the feeling at first and then by 3 months, it was fully there.

Also, please don't underestimate the physical and emotional toll of an emergency c-section.

I hope both you and the baby find some relief soon.

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QuestionableMouse · 24/10/2021 14:10

Don't worry about him crying outside. Put him his pram and just go for a walk. It's a lot easier to cope outside and the fresh air will do you all good.

I'd also press for his legs to be checked again, maybe with x-rays or a scan. Something isn't right there.

Off the top of my head, I can't remember the age range for calpol but it might be worth checking to see if he can have some. If the crying gets better with pain relief, then you have an avenue to explore.

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steppemum · 24/10/2021 15:20

I have absolutely no doubt that if he just stopped crying our moods would improve enormously. We could then leave the house to exercise and get some fresh air.

this really struck me.
Put him in the pram and go out for the walk/fresh air.
If he is crying on your lap ondoors, or crying in a sling/pram there is no difference. EXCEPT that you will feel 100 times better for the walk and fresh air, you will wear out some toddler energy and the movement of the pram may just sooth and settle baby.

And crying never seems as bad outside, as the sound is spread out more Grin

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Worried74 · 24/10/2021 15:21

With my second she cried constantly after birth and we kept being told it's colic and to wait for the miraculous 12 week stage when all this would be a distant memory. She was so unhappy, always sick, hated baths etc. At 7 weeks I noticed she was only really looking to one side, a visit to the cranial osteopath diagnosed a neck injury due to CS birth. On the way home I spotted lactose free formula in the supermarket and went with my instinct and changed her formula, from that day onwards she was a different child, happy and content. It only took 2 osteopath visit at £30 each to put the injury right. There is so little support out there from medical professionals, I hope things get better soon.

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Branleuse · 24/10/2021 16:26

Does calpol help? Maybe somethings hurting him

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Mymycherrypie · 24/10/2021 16:35

My first and third were the same, very high needs baby, you could not get one moments peace. Legs tucked up like that for the first one for the first 8 weeks I think, he was a tiny little thing and born early quite traumatically so I felt like he wasn’t ready for anything and that made him hyper sensitive. Once we got to 3 months he changed to an entirely different baby and was a joy.

My third is just high needs all round and she’s 4 now and still a drama queen.

Looking back i don’t know how we got through those first 3 months.

Hold in there OP, get to the doctor for yourself x

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PheasantsNest · 24/10/2021 16:37

My DC2 was like this. We tried cranial osteopathy in the end and it worked. We tried infacol, dentinox colic drops, colief, soya milk, sleeping propped up, putting them in a sling. This went on for six months.

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